Working Through Faith

Theme song: "They the Wait" Fred Hammond ft John P. Kee

God is seriously testing me for the past year, really hard. I will ask him for things, and he will tell me "ok but you have to work for it." Sometimes I pass the test. Sometimes, I do what I want to do (rearrange the orders in some way). Or I simply fail. My general prayer for most of my adult life is to "be the woman that God wants me to be" whatever that is. God has his/her (I need to start saying him or her, sometimes I forget) own way of molding people. I think most (if not the only) people's methods of learning by the hands of God are through trials and tribulations. Tests.

I have asked God for:

Wisdom

Strong faith

A greater ability to forgive

High level of discernment

The ability to hear him clearly

Each of these easily translates into everyday life: men, school, career, motherhood etc.

The bible says be careful what you wish for. As the Pussycat Dolls say "you just might get it."

Hmm where should I begin…Let's start with men.

I'm not excited about my recent interactions with men. It seemed like the moment I say, "God I want to make better choices with men," he brings another one into my life. A test. And I fail. I get involved in ways that I shouldn't. They were unhealthy both emotionally and physically. But a progression happened. Things began to change. I believe the way life/God/the universe works is that, God whispers for you to do something. You don't do it, then he gets louder, then he yells, then you hit a brick wall. Each of those stages manifest differently. We have all heard of "brick wall" stories. Something traumatic happens, a near-death experience, then the person's life changes. They have some new outlook.

From about May last year to November this year, the men seemed to be coming in my life back to back: J, Todd, Jonathan, Mohamed, Monk, Elvis, Darrius, Cornell, Dwaun, Chris and Kay. I have written extensively about J and Jonathan, and I have a post about Todd and one (or two) about Monk, so no need to reiterate too much. The first two are ex-boyfriends and the latter two were friends of varying levels (Monk was more so an associate). I have a post about Elvis on my other blog. Elvis was the oddest situation. Not quite sure why I decided to me intimate with him. But my poor choice with ended up the termination of an unwanted pregnancy. I had never had an abortion before that. And it was like a non-issue. "Of course I'm getting an abortion." It was an outer body experience. And although it wasn't something God wanted me to do, I didn't hear him tell me "no" like he did with Langston. It was part of the lesson. This was my brick wall. I thought Langston was, but he brought wisdom and a level of emotional strength that I didn't think I ever had in me. An 8 pound source of inspiration given to me by God wrapped up in a hospital blanket. He looked at me and didn't cry when he was born. Just looked at me. Like we knew each other all along but just met.

When I found out I was pregnant with Elvis' child it was a "you've got to be kidding me" feeling. There wasn't a question about what I was going to, but I needed to talk to someone. I told my mother. And she was supportive. I don't think I realized how great of a mother I had until then. I felt no judgment her voice. Only love, concern, and the belief that I knew what was right for me. I love her so much. I really needed her then but she couldn't be here, in Ohio. I mentioned I needed to talk to Jonathan. Before this, he told me her was "over me" and we were cool. We had been talking consistently as friends for awhile. But he showed his ugliest again. That was the last straw. There was no need for him to be mean to me. And he had judged me before. Questioning my allegiance to God regarding my choices. But it wasn't questioning out of curiosity or concern, but inquires of condemnation. A while back he wanted me to read his post on nature of evil. I finally read it and responded. I don't think he realizes that he is evil. Or at least has a higher propensity for negative actions towards others driven by hope of a self-centered reprieve from his owe insecurities at the sacrifice of someone else (their feelings, property, reputation, or life). Selfishness often leads to evil actions. I was forced to see who he really was and my hope for wanting him to be a different man, a better man, left my heart and mind. Maybe it took for me to be in that state of mind to see that. To hear and pay attention to my feelings of discernment that had been there all along.

So this new found discernment was coupled with a new sense of self. A new a surety a reliance on God that was clearer, louder, and grounded in more certainty. So then came Darrius, Cornell, Dwaun, Chris and Kay. None of them are important enough to talk about at length, but they are they all are either very attractive guys, look very good on paper, or both. But with each of them, I found it very easy to notice that they weren't for me. I didn't convince myself to stick around in hopes that there is some great part of them that I had not seen (then, because I stick around, a get attached then disappointed because the "great part" I was hoping for doesn't exist). We were never intimate. I barely hugged them. Not because I was putting up a wall or I felt the need to protect myself in some standoff-ish manner. I engaged them and my level of discernment was kicked into high gear. I could hear everything they were saying and the things they weren't. It was quiet comforting. I think I finally passed this time.

Second: School

When I started applying for PhD programs last year, I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to be involved with popular culture, I knew I wanted to teach students history and teach them to be critical thinkers through some creative method. I applied to NYU and USC's film schools since I am always critical of films, I can to go school to learn how to make my own. It made sense to me. God told me, "this isn't for you." And I didn't believe him. Crazy huh? There are many Christians who wish to hear God, I do and I tell him what I know to be right. (sigh, smh) What was I thinking? Well, what I was thinking was, "God if you don't want me to do this then what should I do? You didn't tell me soooo, I'm 'bout to do this. Make it work please. Thanks." To make sure I was accepted I flew to USC, before they reviewed my application, met the professors I was interested in working with so they could put a face with a name. Before I flew out there God said, "this is a waste of time." I ignored him. I went to study for the GRE and I found it nearly impossible to study. Like I couldn't focus. I had the same feeling when I was in the digital animation at OSU (come to find out I wasn't supposed to be an animator, its not my calling). It was the weirdest feeling. Like something was like mentally pushing the information away. I got to USC and all the professors I met with loved what I didn't. They loved my work. No one else was doing what I was doing. I talked to the professor that I would have wanted as my advisor. He said, "what you want to do it great, but let me be honest, they won't want you to do that here. I have been able to do what I want do because I have been here forever and I do it in spite of what they want me to do. You talking about people of color in this traditional film-oriented department AND you want to make them too? I'm just being honest with you. Students have tried to do what you do and they get burnt out because they don't get any help and I can't be everybody's advisor. I just don't want you to waste your time." I felt sad. Broken in a way. But also a sense of "but I can be the person that DOES do it." The whole time I was there I felt like I was wasting my time. Not because the professor said that, his words just confirmed what God already told me. I didn't get in to USC or NYU. So then, I didn't know what to do. I thought about Art Education. A full professor in the department (meaning she carries some "weight") said she really wanted to work with me and it would be no problem getting me transferred into the department's PhD program. I told her I wasn't excited about my GRE scores. She said she could get me in so it wouldn't be a problem. Meanwhile God has been saying to me "you need to apply to education's teaching and learning department." I ignored it and went ahead with what looked like was going to be an easy switch. The professor in Art Education emailed me and said, "Recently, unbeknownst to me, the Art Education department was told by the Dean to stick to the higher GRE scores for acceptance. I have written many letters on people's behalf if they didn't met the criteria for them to be accepted but this new Dean says those will no longer be accepted from our department. I will keep trying." Randomly, all of a sudden stuff changes when I'm trying to get in. I talked to the professor and she said, "Have you thought about education's school for teaching and learning? I have a friend over there. I'll call to let her know I'm sending you over there." I'm thinking "Really God? Really!" So now I'm applying to the department of education's PhD program. Finally. This seems like what God wants me to do, so that mean everything will work out they way its supposed to. In addition, when I was in Ghana, my host father introduced me to a community that needed a school built. God said, "Buy ten plots of land." Quick to argue with him I decided not to, pulled the money from my account and bought them. Come to find out, there is a professor in the school for teaching and learning who has also built a school in the same region. I talked to her and she wants to help me. God is moving.

Third: House

God told me to buy a house. Random huh? So, given my experience with not listening to him, I said I better do right this time. Whatever he said do, I did, not knowing what was going to happen next. I was going to staying in my on-campus apartment while in Ghana over the summer until it was time to move in the house. But, as God does, create some situation out of the blue. OSU decided (IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL YEAR!) to change my building into an undergrad building so all of the graduate students had to move out. "Really God? Really!" So I moved my stuff into storage and stayed in Jonathan's empty apartment for about a week before I left for Ghana. In the mean time I found a house, got a realtor and a lender. The house was a nice house but it wasn't exactly what I wanted. The loan was going to go through, except, last minute, the lender told me I needed to show that I had received child support in the last three months. Ironically, Damon stopped paying three months ago. After having to get all types of court documents etc etc, it still didn't matter, the loan didn't go through. So I was like, "ok God…guess you didn't want me to have that house." I get back from Ghana, and I said, "God, don't you want me to live in an apartment, month to month maybe, until I get a house?" "Nope," he said. "Okie dokie," I said. Before I left Nadine (my "landlord" have a post about her too) told me that she had a room for rent and I could rent a room from her. I said "cool", thinking I would be there for two weeks max since I found another home already, an even better house. Got a new lender. Got approved without including the child support, but they needed a letter saying that my loans would be deferred for at least two years (something the other lender didn't ask for). I couldn't give them that until I was accepted into a PhD program (which I am applying to now). All the school can give me now is a letter showing my loans are deferred until next summer. So, then I didn't have a lender, and I had to let the house go. So I found another lender and another house, even BETTER house. (Meanwhile, to put everything in perspective, I had already found out I was pregnant, got an abortion and Jonathan was being… well Jonathan). Everything going well with the house then my lender said that just a week before the bank changed their debt-to-ratio requirements so I couldn't be approved for the loan any more. "Really God? Really?" Still trying to figure out what God is wanting from me, I am still sticking to his commands. Nadine told me I couldn't stay in her house anymore (that was after the letter I sent to her which God told me to send) but before I sent the letter God told me that I would have to leave her place soon. I thought it was because I was going to get the house, so when she told me to leave I was shocked (but not entirely). God gave me insight into her personality. So I'm waiting. These are tests to make my faith stronger, my spiritual endurance last longer, the spirit of discernment and God's voice to be clearer. I don't feel sad, or distraught. I'm just moving along doing what God wants me to do and I can't wait to get back on here and post the greats that have happened. Just wait on the Lord, that's what I'm trying to do.