Theme song: "Melt My Heart to Stone" by Adele
I never considered myself much of a writer. Not a bad writer, just never thought of it as something I would do often or how important it would be in my life… to my growth. My catharsis. I would consider myself an emotionally mature person. Meaning, I have the ability to articulate my thoughts and feelings especially if I have been given some time to dwell on them. But even if I haven't, I am able to say, "I'm not sure how I feel about that. I need to think about it more." For me, that is the easiest thing to say. I'm pretty comfortable with my feelings… emotions. So if I am in a space where I need to express them I will do so. And I will ask for a response. Feedback. What do you think? How did what I say make you feel? Tell me something? This usually happens when I sense a problem between someone and I. Tension that I feel needs to be fleshed out.
An ex-boyfriend and I have been battling how to successfully execute a friendship. We have not successfully done so. I had a discussion with someone who proclaims to hate emotions but has recently come to, at least, attempt to embrace them…from a safe distance. My ex-boyfriend has the ability to be very cold. Emotionless. So I went to them to seek some insight. His coldness seems to happen when there is a circumstance that creates a flood of emotions that overwhelms him. Emotions that he can't control. That he may not quite understand. But he seems to take that out on me.
My anti-emotion confidant said, "is it that he is being mean, or is it that he is offering you the type of response he is emotionally capable of?" That gave me pause… The confidant continues, "I used to hate emotions, I still don't like them so I can understand where he is coming from. You are more emotionally mature than he is. You can handle your emotions differently. I don't think he is out to purposefully hurt you, I believe all he is doing is what he can do. He is responding the way he can, the way he is capable of responding." This may be true, but I am having an issue with not seeing many of his actions as mean and emotionally abusive. A coldness that I don't deserve. I'm working on understanding or embracing that.
So it made me ask myself why am I, did I, put so much energy in this man even after I broke up with him? He can be very loving. And we have both said we are each other's best relationship. And he is someone I would always want in my life because I know he has great value. But I also don't think he really knows, appreciates, and/or values his worth. I say to myself, "does he REALLY know how great of a man he is? He has no idea what he is capable of doing!" As a friend, I want to be his encourager, his cheerleader, his reassurance… but why? Does it really matter if he doesn't see it himself? Does it matter how many times I forgive him or assist him through stopping his emotional wall-building if he continues to see me as an intruder? Someone who can and will hurt him? He says that he says things that he doesn't mean and then takes them back but can you really? Out of this I have realized a few things. I can see all the potential in the world in someone but if they are too afraid, to concerned about how much they can or can't control the outcome, there is nothing I can do but be available when they decide they are no longer afraid. But if they have fought me for so long I can't say how willing I am to be there. And maybe I'm not supposed to be. Maybe its my fault for pushing for him to stay. This is him pushing back. I have also realized the importance of my mate being emotionally mature. Being able to handle emotions and articulate them. He doesn't seek to withdraw but rather engage. If I have hurt him, I need him to not lash out or say things he doesn't mean in order to hurt me, to make himself feel better like some type of emotional bully. But rather takes some silent time and addresses the issue and WE seek solutions. He wasn't like this when we were together. That shouldn't happen in any relationship whether its loved ones, friends, or romantic interactions. If we care about each other then we should care about the success of this relationship. But he and I have not successfully established what that friendship is going to look like and it appears that he has ruined any possibility of us having such a friendship.
Maybe the way I handle emotions is too much for him. Or he doesn't like it. Or doesn't think its appropriate, or what have you. Maybe… But that me. And his method of handling emotions… that him. It's things like this that lets you know how people are and who your real friends are. Maybe we will be apart long enough where we can try again. Maybe not. But I feel as though I have put in my fair share of love, forgiveness, and caring. At some point we have to decide who is really worth our time and if they even really want us there.
He was the focus of my "peanut butter" post. He was my friend. He is my first "grass" incident. (Accident?) It had its great and not to great moments. I have found myself going back to the tracks sense our break up. Then re-remembering why I left in the first place. I am no longer asking him to stay and keep me company on the grass or requesting another sandwich. Instead, I'll let him leave on his motorcycle. Say thank you for lunch and continue to enjoy the breeze and sunshine that doesn't leave just because he is gone. I've lost my friend. His presence brought comfort to this new place, but it isn't comfortable anymore. He's no longer a friend. I have a nice blanket in my backpack and some cool jazz on my ipod. I think I'll do just fine.
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