Storybook Maybe’s

So, in my last entry I talked about how I was going to send an email to J just to clear the air. That was back in April. Last week I get an email from him with his phone number. I called him. My goal was for the conversation to simply discuss what I thought was my mis-management of our break-up and maybe catching up a little but ending it there and closing the chapter. But it end up being more than that. We talked for over 9 hours! And it would have been longer than that if I didn't have to catch a flight 1 hour before we stopped talking at 5:30am! It was a fun conversation. It was an interesting feeling talking to him. I was kind of giddy. I'm not sure why. Last time we talked (about a year or so ago) I felt more ambivalent with a twinge of anger, but still more ambivalent than anything. Then I get an email from him and I get this weird mixed-up cautious/happy/curious feeling? Anyway, I enjoyed the conversation. I think I may have enjoyed it too much. Without me mentioning our relationship, he talked about the various things he learned and realized over the past year or so. I then asked him did he know that all of those things affected our relationship. Then we talked about how all of his characteristics showed up in our interactions. He seemed to have grown so much. All the things that I had been trying to say to him over the past 8 years or so, he realized it recently. I think what made me enjoy out conversation "too much" was that before, I knew a relationship between the two of us wouldn't work out because he could be controlling, he thought he is right all the time, he tended to treat people like children, he wasn't very affectionate, he didn't express his feelings, didn't communicate etc. I didn't feel like he was ever intentionally mean, angry, distant, rude or anything like that, but it often times felt that way. He didn't think he did all of those things but now he does. Now that he does realize, he's working on it. That triggered a spark of hope in me. Maybe we could try this again? Maybe we both learned what we needed to learn and we could start over? But I think my heart propelled my mind too far forward. I don't think I like that I still have some left over feelings for him. Or maybe they aren't left over and they have been there all this time. They were just suppressed. I need to just pump the brakes a bit. Stop rehashing all of the storybook "maybe's" and go with the flow. It was just a conversation. We were just catching up; talking about what we learned and things we went through. That's it. I might need to tell myself that a few more times. I believe since I knew we couldn't work out because I didn't feel he could care for me the way I wanted/needed him to, I convinced myself to let him go. But I never did completely. It was as if I constructed a blockade that prevented any of the storybook hopes to enter into my mind. All I had to do is simply remind myself of the way I felt when we were together and know that if we did get back together I would just feel that way all over again. Now I feel like the blockade has been removed and all those relationship hopes are coming back because now he understands all that I had been trying to say.

So, the question is, how do I no longer concern myself with J? How do I stop thinking about what we could be? Well, the first thing is that we still don't live anywhere close to each other. He now lives in Montreal, Canada which is about 11 hours from Columbus. Neither one of us would want a long-distance relationship plus I don't plan on being in Columbus this time next year. Hopefully I will be Atlanta going to get my PhD, which means that we would be even further away from each other. Plus he said he was "kinda" dating someone but she is back in Florida or in his words "I guess we are still dating". I'm not sure how serious it is but I'm not going to be concerned with it. I'm just going to let things happen (or not happen) the way they may. He said I should go to Toronto for Carnival this summer which was something I wanted to do for the past few years. He said he should be there so maybe we will meet up, maybe we won't. I'm relaxing. I'm chilling out and going with the flow of life.