I own that...

Eric Roberson "Too Soon" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxpIybrkVxY
 Sunday School homework...

 "The purpose of dating is to practice and experiment. Its a training ground for marriage.This fact causes a built-in conflict. When we date we have the freedom to say at any time 'this isn't working out' and to end the relationship. What does this mean for the person who boundaries have been injured? Often she brings immature, undeveloped aspects of her character to an adult romantic situation. In an arena of low commitment and high risk, she seeks the safety, bonding and consistency that her wounds need. She entrusts herself too quickly to someone who she is dating because her needs are so intense. And she will be devastated when things 'don't work out'. This is a little like sending a three-year-old to the front lines of battle. Dating is a way for adults to find out about each other's suitability for marriage; it is not a place for young, injured souls to find healing."

 #ThatsReal,OwnThat

"Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

 That is all...

Boundaries

God is soo interesting. His precision and attention to detail and miraculous level of patience is beyond of comprehension…

For the past few months I have been watching Joyce Meyer’s show in the evenings before I go to bed. We studied one of her books in Sunday school (didn’t really read it…sorry). But somehow she stuck with me more than any other author we studied. During the end of her T.V. program she informed her readers of her latest book “Living Beyond Your Feelings.” Somehow, I can’t remember the name of any other book she announced but that book stuck with me. Something told me (the Holy Spirit) “You need to get that…” I passively agreed.

About a month later another one of her books “Battlefield of the Mind” happened to be mentioned in my bible study group. One member said to me “Melissa, you would like that book.” Out of however many books were mentioned, that stuck with me. I had an overwhelming urge one day to buy it. I prayed about it and fasted until I finished it. Seven intense days. Weeks later I eventually bought “Living Beyond Your Feelings” audio book. Our new Sunday school book is called “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.” I just finished the first two chapters and it has already blown my mind. These three books TOGETHER, being read consecutively has been a beckon of light. A continuous part of my self-revelation journey.

I recently left a relationship. By far the most difficult situation I have been in. Let’s call him Anthony. Although I do (and did in the relationship) place much blame upon him for our challenges, I must take responsibility for my thinking, feelings, and lack of boundaries.

1. Being nice out of fear isn’t working. At least once a week Anthony would be angry about something. He would yell, be frustrated, and once implied that he would do physical harm. Never did, but implied. Knowing his temperament I learned (for the most part) to be calm and quiet during these fits of rage. Also every holiday there was something he yelled about… Sweetest Day, Valentine’s Day, his birthday, I spent a decent amount of money on his birthday gift. At this point I paid my mortgage two months ahead so I had a little extra month to spend. I bought tickets to a show and jacket he selected. He yelled at me for spending too much money. I hoped in getting him tickets to something he liked and a jacket he picked would “smooth his edges….” Not so. I remember spending Mother’s Day in a nice restaurant after his fit of rage being silent most of the meal. Then being angry that my son had to see him talk to me in that way and me saying nothing about it in front of him. Once I rented a hotel room when we were living together, just to get out of the intensity of the house. I said we needed to live in separate spaces. He said we should break up if I am kicking him out, and I said fine. He later said during few emotional moments that he knew we were supposed to be together, he was sorry, and that we should be married. I wasn’t sure. I felt like “I could help him…this is what relationship work is…right?” Not so…

2. Self-control not “other-control.” Although I have consistently said I am not in the business of changing people, in this instance, I saw relationship work as an “Anthony Project.” And I thought it was ok since he said “You have to work on me.” But God tells us that we are responsible to others not for others. It is my responsibility to aide others within the boundaries God has set. God says “guard your heart with diligence for it is the well-spring of life.” I can’t “help” an enraged partner if it is abusive… If it doesn’t allow for me to guard my heart but only hurts it.

“Anthony Project” Theme Song: Adele “Make You Feel My Love”



3. Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries. In the “Boundaries” workbook it asks two questions: Where are you watering someone else’s yard while your own grass withers and dies? Where are you letting someone else water your yard? The “Anthony Project” would be me watering his yard. I would be giving him the love and affection he desires while white-knuckling through his verbal and emotional abuse in hopes that he would be loved so much that he would be a better person…which really meant, being the person I wanted him to be. Then all the stress and white-knuckling would have been worth it… right? Not so. Ultimately, his “change” would be so that he could water my yard upon command/request. I expected him to make me feel better when I didn’t. Whenever I was overwhelmed, tired, sad, had a bad day at school/work, with Langston or something I wanted him to be the cheerleader. Tell me everything is going to be alright. That I’m doing a great job and to help me wherever I needed him…making sure the house was clean, fixing dinner etc. Now, I do believe in helping each other. And I do very much believe that there were times when Anthony really should have done more BUT I should not have laid the burden of making me happy at his feet. Many times, I felt overwhelmed because I was simply doing too much and wasn’t managing my time well. He would say, “why do I have to clean up now just because you want me too?” “Or why do I have the responsibility of doing X,Y, and Z when you aren’t fulfilling your duties?” In his way, he was setting his boundaries. And although it felt unloving at the time (and still does), I have a better understanding. My challenge with his boundary setting is how he set them. To yell, “YOU shouldn’t have taken on so much! If you didn’t get dinner made and the kitchen clean that’s your fault!”is not productive or loving. As opposed to, “I will help you in x,y and z ways that I know will support you but I am not going to overextend myself because you chose to. I do want to help but let’s work on self-control when taking on new projects and some time management skills.” It may have felt harsh but it would have been true and I would not have been able to deny his caring gestures, ability to set his own boundaries, AND how I was not going to be enabled in continuing to keep an unhealthy busy schedule.

4. God designed a world where we all live, “within” ourselves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up “us.”
a. “Victims of physical and sexual abuse often have a poor sense of boundaries. Early in life they were taught that their property did not really begin at their skin. Others could invade their property and do whatever they wanted. As a result, they have difficulty establishing boundaries later in life.”
b. “Our desires lie within our boundaries. Each of us has different desires and wants, dream and wishes, goals, and plan, hungers, and thirsts. We all want to satisfy ‘me’…Part of the problem lies in the lack of structures boundaries within our personality. We can’t define who the real ‘me’ is and what we truly desire. Many desires masquerade as the real thing. They are lusts that come out of not owning our real desires…sex addicts are looking for sexual experiences, but what they really desire is love and affection”

Anthony and I have experienced some form of physical or sexual abuse in our childhood. Also, both of us have looked to intimacy as a physical form and primary display of love. I believe, as adults, our boundaries were not firmly established and our way of defining and expressing love were not healthy. Because I have come to new understandings of love, I thought that I could shed some light on Anthony during the “Anthony Project.” But we must be “responsible for the things that make up ‘us’”, including how we respond to past abuse, our feelings, reactions, and how we abuse other people. Only he can take responsibility for his past, his boundaries, and his soul. And I…mine.

Responsibility Theme Song: India Arie “Get it Together”



5. They give not out of their heart and free will, but out of compliance, and they resent us for what they give. Neither one of us comes out ahead…Making decisions based on others’ approval or on guilt breeds resentment, a product of our sinful nature. We have been trained by others on what we “should” do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion. I think Anthony and I held (holds) resentment toward each other. I felt like I was holding my tongue at times not because I wanted to or felt it was best, I just did it because I didn’t want an argument and I wanted to avoid more negativity. He felt like he was making changes in the way he would act and talk to me but it wasn’t because he felt the need to change. He still believes that this is just how he is and being controlled by his feelings is normal. He felt like he was trying to change for me and I didn’t appreciate it. We were both changing our behavior not out of love for each other, but out of compulsion. It was a “duty” and not acts of love, support, or self-reflection.

6. We need self-control without repression. Although I am pretty outspoken, I need to exhibit more self-control when responding to my emotions. And Anthony who has challenges communicating, needs to figure out a way to not repress his feelings.

7. Feelings are immature and will always be irrational. What signals maturity is how we handle our feelings and how we are able to voice our feelings. I believe this is key. I am pretty good at expressing how I felt but Anthony found this to be a challenge. So, he reacts and lacks self-control. This is where the rage comes but he doesn’t seem to be getting a hold of it. As long as people allow him to act that way without consequence he will continue. As long as I enter into relationships in an emotional-drought or feeling overwhelmed by life circumstances, I will continue to give people too high expectations when it comes to who is responsible for my emotional health. I must be aware of my feelings, desires and needs as I choose to enter (or choose not to enter) into my next relationship.

8. Our loving heart, like our physical one, needs an inflow as well as outflow of lifeblood. And like its counterpart, our heart is a muscle, a trust muscle. This trust muscle needs to be used and exercised; if it is injured it will slow down and weaken. I think Anthony and I have given others the responsibility of making us happy too many times. And every time those people have failed us. Why? It not their responsibility! They are merely humans and they are going to fail us in some way. But they will ALWAYS fail us when we give them expectations not person can meet. Our “trust muscles” have weakened and will continue to if we continue to trust people with our hearts too quickly. Ultimately we are wanting to be loved but not doing all the self-work needed to guarantee healthy interactions.

More reading to come… until then…

Healthy Relationship Theme Song: India Aire “Can I Walk with You”

“Role Revolution” in Relationship: Are Women Becoming More Masculine?

Insert Chaka Khan here… “I’m every woman! Its all in me!”


Women's roles are evolving. Many contemporary women want to embrace both traditional and modern roles and want to be recognized by her male counter-parts as having both. "I'm every woman!" But black men’s roles are not evolving at the same rate. Therefore, many contemporary women are moving through their dating lives with modern/traditional “double-consciousness” and asking men to satiate their desire to fulfill the demands of both roles. But many men are still socialized to perpetuate traditional notions of black masculinity. Many of those notions of maleness conflict with a modern understanding of her place in society.

Historically black women have been forced into positions traditionally reserved for men. During U.S. slavery (contrary to Michele Bachmann), many black women were often left to be single mothers due to their husbands and male partners being sold, killed or escaping as runaways. They needed to maintain emotional, spiritual and physical strength to endure rape, children being sold, challenging physical labor, and other detrimental effects of a bonded existence. Media outlets during World War II may have focused on encouraging white women to join the work force in sacrifice of their domestic duties, but black women were also encouraged.

After this massive and influential campaign, we find that white and black women no longer saw their societal roles the same. During the U.S. Civil Rights Movement black women were at the forefront of landmark demonstrations such as the Montgomery Bus Boycott but The Women’s Political Council becomes absent from history, Rosa Parks the educated community organizer becomes relegated to a seamstress who is simply tired or being sick and tired.



Through women’s desire for credit for their abilities and the demands for equality through education and the workforce, the modern woman is able to be independent. Contrary to the traditional social structure where women had limited access to education or lucrative employment, today, women have access. Women no longer need men. Yet many women want men. Therefore we need a “Role Revolution.” Via the Feminist/Womynist Movements women have demanded and are taking on more traditionally masculine roles but there has been no movement where men are requesting to be more feminine…especially black men.

A friend of mine, black woman, is a lawyer, has her own firm, and recently ran for judge. Her husband has a degree in history and wished to be an educator. By the time baby number three came along, they realized that it didn’t make fiscal sense for both of them to work. He quit his job and became a “house-husband.” We can easily see a woman making the choice to be a housewife but a house husband feels awkward…sounds awkward. I think what makes my friend’s situation unique is that her husband is white. Traditional masculinity is grounded in the ability to provide (monetarily), protect (physically), and procreate (creating a legacy). But with more black men disproportionately given felonies, longer sentences, targeted by law enforcement, more likely to have a subpar education, and less likely to attend college we find a sizable black male population who find it incredible challenging to fulfill all of the facets of traditional masculinity. Mostly likely, the average black man will make less money and have less formal education than black females yet, many women uncompromisingly want their “equal” and many men do not wish to play second fiddle to a successful wife.

Arguably, there has been a change in how white men have defined power. From power as demonstrated by force (i.e. physical sports, conquering lands and people), to power demonstrated by access to resources (i.e. business acumen, acquisition of money and assets) (see previous post) so how will black men change their definition? Can black men be like my friend’s husband and be willing to take on more traditionally feminine roles without believing it compromises their masculinity? How will black women alter their roles and their requests of black men? What is our reasoning for holding on to traditional roles? Are we grounding too much of our identity in however we may be defining “independence”? Masculinity? Femininity?

“Role Revolution” First Rule of Engagement and Take-Home Activities

I’ll start with our first rule of engagement in modern dating. Feel free to add new rules, complete activity suggestions and share as we build on ideas of relationships

Rule #1 Going Dutch: Let’s consider how black women’s modern/traditional double-consciousness effects how we want our knight and shining armor to manifest. Often times, it doesn’t compliment us in our entirety. For example, traditionally, men demonstrated their abilities to provide and protect during the courting stage in an effort to show the lady that he is capable of taking care of her. But, if needing to see the plentitude of his pockets is no longer the goal, then should we consider Dutch as an option for the first three to five dates? In this way, as equals, we are both investing in the possibility of a future and we both have something to gain (or lose).

Activity #1 Media Influences:
a) List the songs throughout the years that have encouraged women to take on traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine roles. Listen to the words. Are these songs encouraging a modern/traditional double-consciousness in many women? Are there any songs that encourage men to assume a similar modern/traditional double-consciousness? What are they?




b) List movies where women are revered for their ability to be traditionally masculine and feminine. What are the character’s traits? Are there similar movies for men?



Activity #2 Using the Feminine to Demean: Note how often friends, family, media, (or you) use words often connected to femininity to demean a man: “Don’t be a pussy.” “Stop bitchin.’” Consider how these interactions effect how men construction masculinity as something in opposition to femininity. As something they should avoid…As something “less than”, bad or dirty. How might that encourage or discourage some men to reconsider their societal roles?



Now granted, I love being taken out, wined and dined…thus I’m not saying I’m against it. I’ve definitely had some really good black men in my life who have been able to strike a good balance. But, how might our expectations of each other be too idealistic? How might the construction of our identities be detrimental fabrications?

Dear Future... maybe

"To Whom it May Concern" by Choklate


Ok, (some thing you will learn about me is that I have to get things off my chest. I always have to communicate). So my concern is also on a deeper level. A level I haven't successfully come to terms w/. 1st, I'm very giving in a relationship. I give of myself. Kind of like stocks. You potentially get a better return the more u invest. Especially if u feel/know/think its a good company. But stocks are also the riskiest type of investment. I said I was nervous (& u r too) but I'm willing 2 invest in u but I need to feel u r willing to do the same. I don't want us just to be friends. I want us to date, spend time w/ each other. Go out, spend the night... All of those things. I need to know where ur heart and mind is. However, here is the deeper challenge. As much as I love God, I have my vices. And none of my serious relationships were w/ devout Christians. They were either disconnected from the church somehow (maybe only went if I dragged them) or were atheists. I think, subconsciously, I allowed this b/c I wouldn't be reminded of my challenge of w/ sex. I want God to bless me w/ a good husband...But Im also a deeply intimate and sexual person. I told u love experiences more than anything so I believe one way express ur care for some one is to make love to them, be intimate with them. Its a way to show connectedness. The problem is, as we know as Christians, that should done in marriage. But its difficult for me when I'm w/someone a care about. So if they see sex as a large part of the relationship or don't have a relationship with God, they may not understand my struggle, or if I don't think I have the strength to say no I push them away. Also if they aren't Christians I won't think about how we shouldn't be having sex so much because they won't be. ultimately I want the best for my son & I. I'm a good woman and I want a good man but very few are willing to wait (shoot I want to and I can't) and sometimes I feel like I'm compromising my blessing. But also, some times I think that maybe I will be blessed with a good and loving man even with my vices and I should just hope and pray that my future husband and I will work out our vices along the way (what's good is that my vice ends after I say "I do!"). Now, I'm not talking to you about marriage because I know that's where we r or where we r headed for sure. But also I'm not interested in dating just to be dating. I'm interested in figuring out if you could be a potential mate. So my strong reaction to this other person is two-fold: I need to be clear about where heart and mind is because I'm willing to invest and all investment takes some risk, but I want the risk to be about an unknown but potentially bright future not starting off with someone in the picture (at what ever level they may be). The second is building a healthy relationship that will be blessed by God. And I say this knowing that I'm not good at removing sex but the risk of me "blocking my blessing" is always in the back of my mind. Also hearing you talk about your celibate friend and how sex should be apart of ur relationship gave me pause (and this isn't new for me). Its kind of like being an recovering alcoholic then you date someone who says "I have to have alcohol in the house at all times." On one hand you're like "nice!" Or the other your like "whoa..." The difference, of course, is that people can be total alcoholics when they are married (umm maybe the analogy has gone too far...and making love isn't harmful the way alcohol is...anyway u know what I mean). Deep down, although I'm telling you this in all honesty I secretly wish you would choose someone else because I'm scared that if I choose you and you choose me, we invest in each other, and we can't compromise, then that would hurt worst than you leaving now. Because you wouldn't be leaving me because of who I am and who I want to be, I would be convincing you that you should choose someone else because they are a better fit for you whether they really are or not. (Sigh)I've never shared that before but hey this is me. Exposure exposure exposure (can ya handle it?) Again, its something I haven't come to terms with but trying to. So as you are considering me...us, this is a little bit more about me. (That was a nice release...)

Sincerely,
Possibly... Your "One"

Spiked Boomerangs: Philosophies on relationships for my Black Movie Lovers

Langston is in Florida, classes are over, (I do have a couple projects to finish but…no biggie) and I'm sitting in my house with first day off (no work no school). So what have I been doing…nothing, mostly, and it feels great. However, one of the things I have been doing (along with traipsing around Columbus in search of live music ) is catching up on my movie time. This has come with some thinking. Hmmm…thoughts thoughts thoughts...

Reaching into my DVD collection, within my top five movies is "Boomerang," the 1992 movie with Eddie Murphy, Robin Givens, and Halle Berry. The rest are, for the most part, Spike Lee joints…among them being "She's Gotta Have It" (Spike Lee's first film in 1986). I am/have been intrigued by Jacqueline (Robin Givens). There is something powerful about Jacqueline's easy nonchalant dismissiveness. "Ok Marcus, it's over." The end. Cut and scene. She catches a cab and it's a wrap. We can imagine that she teared up on her way home or secretly has some deep-seated emotional challenges but we don't get that from her character in the movie. We just believe she has moved on. I would imagine that a lot of women wish they could channel their inner Jacqueline. Throw those pesky emotions away. But for many of my friends and I we find ourselves much more like Angela (Halle Berry). Ok, ok. I was hoping to avoid this gene (passed down from my mother) but…sigh…its true. I'm a romantic (DAYUM!). Like Angela, we see this nice attractive guy, he's cool, (we may see some potential red flags but the obvious good seems to outweigh the possible bad) and so we dedicate our time and energy in the person and then…see what happens. Nola Darling (She's Gotta Have it) also appears to have her emotions "in check" (if you will). There has been a lot of writing surrounding this film (much if it about the "new" display of black women's sexual power). Although some argue her sexual desires ended in tragedy, there is something intriguing about having (or appearing to have) complete control over your emotions. Not drifting off into fantasy land.

Introducing Nola Darling (and the dudes I run into somehow made it into the movie)

So, I started thinking, "How are these movies informing our philosophies on relationships?" Mine in particular. Hmmm… Angela and I…

Angela and I are both artists. We do community work as a release from the "corporate world." (I guess mine would be a scholastic universe). We are "down to earth" and pretty easy to please. I don't think Angela and Marcus ever went on a date. They cooked and cleaned the kitchen together. Marcus volunteered with her at the community center. They were home spending time together etc. etc.

But what was the turning point? Ahhh you remember! When Jacqueline called after Angela stayed the night and Marcus and Angela had been spending a substantial amount of time together and he said to Jacqueline "Oh that's just Angela. She came by to drop off something." OOHHH Snap! Did your heart not sink for her?!

She thought she was in there like swimwear until she was "checked." Didn't even see it comin'! I, like Angela, can get caught up in the moment(s) because, hey, aren't all artists whimsical fantasy-seeking creatures?! (joking…kind of). I'm sure after over-hearing that conversation, Angela wished to have channeled her inner-Jacqueline and set the proper boundaries way before it got to that point. But on the other hand you want to be free and organic and happy and fun and…well whimsical. Well, we know the movie ends with Marcus realizing that he really loves the art-sy emotional and loving Angela and, we assume, they live happily ever after. But, of course, we live in reality. And boundary-less interactions can lead to weird awkward grey-filled areas of foggy uncertainty. Yes…all of that. So how do we successfully blend the Jacqulines/Nolas and Angela's together? Do we want to blend them? Should we choose one over the other? Women, who do you identify with? Would you blend? Men…what are your thoughts?

Gas Station Revelations: Toughening up to relax

Theme song "Alright" by Ledisi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqsc3ih3_Po

I have noticed a trend in much of my adult life. Being an activist at heart is a rewarding burden. Having an emotional attachment to things you want accomplished and people in your life you can also be over-whelming. But only at moments. Specific moments. For now, we will call them "eruptive moments/periods." Those moments are when you feel like you are being pulled in one thousand different directions and everyone needs, requested, and has some piece of you. Some of those people ask for that piece because they choose me and believe I can be of some assistance. Others ask, or I make a decision to give of myself, because I placed myself in that position of responsibility. A characteristic of that "eruptive moment" is that I want the emotional need to be reversed. Meaning I feel so spread out, so need someone to focus on me for the time being. In these moments, there is a bubbling over of "over-whelmed-ness" that has a direct connection to my love life… but only when I am not in a relationship. I have had a few eruptive periods…and each of them manifested differently and lasted about a month or two. The most challenging one was when I left home to come to graduate school. My mother was marrying a man that we all knew was not a good choice, there was a lot of tension at home, I was moving over 1,000 miles away from everything I knew, and my boyfriend throughout my undergrad and I were breaking up (and I just KNEW we were going to get married…but I realized that I was in my own fantasy. I was young…I learned…). So what happened? Subconsciously I was looking for someone to replace him…quickly. For years (up until now) I blamed it on that post-breakup "rebound stage" but it was much more than that. So I met my son's father. He looks good on paper but if I was not in my "eruptive moment" I would not have interacted with him. We are just… different people. I realized it really wasn't about my son's father when I would do things like call him by my ex's name or I would think it weird when he didn't do certain things that my ex would do. As I type this I'm thinking "that doesn't make much sense Melissa, why would you expect someone to be someone else?" Well…I did. So out of this "eruptive moment" I become pregnant. Oddly enough having my entire life change because I was bringing another life into this world didn't propel me into another "eruptive moment" (per se) but made me think "whoa…what just happened?" Its like the fog was cleared. And there stood a man (and not a very nice one) that I really didn't know, a pregnant me in my first year of grad school in a place where I knew almost no one. Mantra to self "TIME TO TOUGHEN UP MELISSA!" And I, with the grace of God, did. My son has been my propulsion for the last five years.

So fast forward a bit.

I know that I make poor choices in men when I am stressed. So, when I recognize that I am in a stressful period, I pretty much avoid men. But I'm not always successfully at it. Because for some reason someone (or many) pop-up at the wrong time. So recently I have found myself in an eruptive period. But, to start, there has been some recent successes. I wanted to buy a house and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done (that is a long story for another time). But we are in our new home and it's great. My educational career was taking odd turns and I wasn't sure what was going to happen. But I LOVE my department and I can't imagine myself anywhere else. On another note, I am building a school in Ghana and it is not moving as fast as they (or I) would like. In order for me to take advantage of many monetary opportunities for the school I need to get a 501 c (3) status which I am in the process of doing. I volunteered at my church's pantry, realized that they needed some assistance, found out they needed a director, and I became it. Realizing that more African Americans need to visit Africa and knowing it's a way to fundraise for the school, I have linked up with my church's missions department (which I am now a member of) and I am coordinating a trip for my church along with my Ghanaian host family for next year. After making all of these connections I realized that I could offer The Black Graduate and Professional Student Caucus my resources, so I was elected president. I want to do a community mural project with students in the Linden area and have been blessed to have very influential institutions excited about the project. So now its about grant writing and meeting these organizations to get stuff done. In not so great news…my son's father is trying to sue me for visitation rights (which he already has) so had someone try and hunt me down (unsuccessfully) to serve me papers. So I had to write to the judge blah blah blah… I think that's over now but who knows with him. Franklin County has denied my son child care benefits (which should have been approved and I had to figure out how to pay $165 per week for pre-school) but I have a rude and terrible caseworker and now I've been told by local people and leaders of social justice organizations that I have to appeal and request a state hearing. So since this affects the women I work with at my job (non-traditional female students, many with children), I have taken this on as a legislative project. On a positive note, deans and administrators (who have a direct connection to governing bodies because OSU is a land-grant public institution) are noticing that this is an issue to pay attention to. A professor stole merchandise from me (over 400 books that I collected to be donated to the HIV/AIDS orphans I worked with in Ghana) and have realized that I have entered into the "good ole boys club" of academia and have been pointed an numerous directions to have meeting with everyone from one up and down the bureaucratic ladder. I think that they think I'm just going to give up and not pursue it any longer…but they don't know me very well. And to top it off, Langston got bit in the face by a dog. Thank God, in the mist of my son screaming a bleeding I got him taken care of and had the where-with-all to get the man's name and number. I talked to Langston about how there are SOME mean dogs and SOME nice dogs and he doesn't appear to be traumatized and the dog had all of his shots. This, of course, doesn't take into account day-to-day things like getting dinner done, bills paid, bedtime stories read…oh and I'm taking three classes this summer and my work hours doubled this summer. So this is prime opportunity for an eruptive moment. 90% of the time I feel like I've got it together. I have my handy Black/crackberry. Got my calendar. I know where I need to be and when. Got my to-do list scratching things off. You know, getting it done. But sometimes its a bit much and often, on cue, a man appears (It's the devil I just know it! Lol! Or God helping me understand knew things about myself). On the surface it seems like the right time "oh here is someone who will distract me, treat me, and make me feel calm and relaxed." But in reality, it's a terrible time. More so because that is a lot for expectation for a new person.

I have recently found myself doing just that. I met someone. I was being pursued. I thought he was interesting. Found him attractive and found myself wanting to speed things up. Wondering about commitment. My mom said, "you are making this guy out to be much more serious than he needs to be." I said, "You're right but I don't know why…" I look at the calendar and say "umm, wait a minute Melissa. Its only been like three-weeks." But it didn't feel like three weeks it felt like an eternity. "Why?" I asked myself. And "why THIS guy?" So this guy is generally a cool guy. And after much thought I realized I was ignoring some red flags (i.e. spitefulness, among others things). But, in reality, I don't really know him. And that is normal when you are getting to know someone. That is normal when you are just kickin' it. Taking it easy. But when I am feeling over-whelmed that is almost impossible. Those three weeks felt like an eternity because I was feeling the strain of feeling myself being depleted. Running on "e". And if you ever been about to run out of gas, that trip to the gas station is full of anxiety. "God I just need to make it to the gas station." And somehow it seems further and further away. So as I feel myself being pulled a numerous directions, as I feel myself running out of gas, I am subconsciously looking for a gas station. A permanent gas station. That I know I can run to, who can hold me and say, "Its going to be fine. You're strong, you got this. It will be over soon, you will be a better woman because of it and other people will benefit too. It's going to be ok." Then I stand up, brush myself off, wipe my face, and finish marking things off the to-do list until its done. Then I can really relax. So when I began to wonder about commitment it was really about wanting a permanent gas station of my own. And in eruptive periods I'm in the car on a long trip driving 80 miles an hour and frequent trips to Mobil becomes a must. A found myself trying to speed up the "getting to know you"/realtionship process cause I felt like "I don't have much time to take in the scenery, I have to get to a gas station." This, on so many levels, is a problematic way of handling stressful times.

So then the question I posed to myself is, "am I detrimentally emotionally dependant on people when I am over-whelmed?" A VERY uncomfortable "AHHH!!!" is my response. "Not me! Not independent-I'm going to change the world- people look to me-I get stuff done ME! No way…right?" I'm ALL about discovering uncomfortable things about ourselves (myself) picking it apart, analyzing it, then growing from it. But it's a dirty job. But who else is going to do it? So, always working to be solution-oriented, I ask: How do I build my own gas station? What does it look like? What does it consist of? And how can I better figure out when I will need one before its too late? I'm pretty good about doing stuff for myself and relaxing when responsibilities creep up, but sometimes I let it creep up to far. How do we make sure we don't get burned out? Maybe occasional burned-out-ness happens, but its about how we deal with it. How we recognized how we operate in those moments and how we can create solutions so that we don't find ourselves in those eruptive moments and bring people in our lives who do not have a long enough track record with us…who don't have enough miles in your car (or you in theirs) to expect them to fill you up. I made a list a while back of the things that bring me joy. I revisit that list when I feel I need to slow down. But, it's when I feel like I can't afford the time to slow down that eruption occurs.

So, in my newfound "gas station" revelation I am making a commitment to toughen up to relax. What does that mean? I'm still working through the word "tough"… because I don't want to be hard or jaded. But there is a need to not give in and of myself too quickly… I will have to think about it some more…A man presents the opportunity for me to be weak. To relax, to not be strong for the moment and just be held, or talk or be quite or just be. To stop, turn my car off and be filled up…to be my gas station. I still want to be able to do that but there is a time and a place for that…an established relationship. In a relationship, its ok to have a moment of selfishness because you have been with each other and have established a track record of reciprocation. He has given, I have given, and now I really need him to give and them I'm ready to really give to him. And, of course, there are more moments of us just "be-ing" and appreciating each other that are in states of anxiety. I have had the opportunity to have great men in my life. But I have also learned to not to assume everyone is capable of that greatness. For me to expect that from a new person, makes me appear terribly needy and selfish and that's not me at all. It's often my self-lessness that makes me have an "e" tank. To "toughen up" is more about not getting to "e", so we won't be so weak, so depleted that we let in the wrong people, so we can be beneficial to ourselves and those who needs us.

The learning process continues…I feel better now.

This quote spoke to me...
"You aren't going to be my first, my last or my only... I've cared about someone else before, and I will again, but if I care for you now, what else matters? I'm not perfect, you aren't either, and the two of us will never be perfect... but, if I can make you laugh at least once, hold on to me and give me the most you can! I'm not going to quote poetry, I'm not going to be thinking about you every moment... BUT, I will be giving you a part of me I know you can break. So, don't hurt me, don't change me and don't expect more than what I can give you… Don't analyze me. Smile when I make you happy, yell when I make you mad and miss me when I'm not there... Who knows? I may turn out to be the ONE. But, if not, I may be the one to help you find your ONE."

Peace.

Working Through Faith

Theme song: "They the Wait" Fred Hammond ft John P. Kee

God is seriously testing me for the past year, really hard. I will ask him for things, and he will tell me "ok but you have to work for it." Sometimes I pass the test. Sometimes, I do what I want to do (rearrange the orders in some way). Or I simply fail. My general prayer for most of my adult life is to "be the woman that God wants me to be" whatever that is. God has his/her (I need to start saying him or her, sometimes I forget) own way of molding people. I think most (if not the only) people's methods of learning by the hands of God are through trials and tribulations. Tests.

I have asked God for:

Wisdom

Strong faith

A greater ability to forgive

High level of discernment

The ability to hear him clearly

Each of these easily translates into everyday life: men, school, career, motherhood etc.

The bible says be careful what you wish for. As the Pussycat Dolls say "you just might get it."

Hmm where should I begin…Let's start with men.

I'm not excited about my recent interactions with men. It seemed like the moment I say, "God I want to make better choices with men," he brings another one into my life. A test. And I fail. I get involved in ways that I shouldn't. They were unhealthy both emotionally and physically. But a progression happened. Things began to change. I believe the way life/God/the universe works is that, God whispers for you to do something. You don't do it, then he gets louder, then he yells, then you hit a brick wall. Each of those stages manifest differently. We have all heard of "brick wall" stories. Something traumatic happens, a near-death experience, then the person's life changes. They have some new outlook.

From about May last year to November this year, the men seemed to be coming in my life back to back: J, Todd, Jonathan, Mohamed, Monk, Elvis, Darrius, Cornell, Dwaun, Chris and Kay. I have written extensively about J and Jonathan, and I have a post about Todd and one (or two) about Monk, so no need to reiterate too much. The first two are ex-boyfriends and the latter two were friends of varying levels (Monk was more so an associate). I have a post about Elvis on my other blog. Elvis was the oddest situation. Not quite sure why I decided to me intimate with him. But my poor choice with ended up the termination of an unwanted pregnancy. I had never had an abortion before that. And it was like a non-issue. "Of course I'm getting an abortion." It was an outer body experience. And although it wasn't something God wanted me to do, I didn't hear him tell me "no" like he did with Langston. It was part of the lesson. This was my brick wall. I thought Langston was, but he brought wisdom and a level of emotional strength that I didn't think I ever had in me. An 8 pound source of inspiration given to me by God wrapped up in a hospital blanket. He looked at me and didn't cry when he was born. Just looked at me. Like we knew each other all along but just met.

When I found out I was pregnant with Elvis' child it was a "you've got to be kidding me" feeling. There wasn't a question about what I was going to, but I needed to talk to someone. I told my mother. And she was supportive. I don't think I realized how great of a mother I had until then. I felt no judgment her voice. Only love, concern, and the belief that I knew what was right for me. I love her so much. I really needed her then but she couldn't be here, in Ohio. I mentioned I needed to talk to Jonathan. Before this, he told me her was "over me" and we were cool. We had been talking consistently as friends for awhile. But he showed his ugliest again. That was the last straw. There was no need for him to be mean to me. And he had judged me before. Questioning my allegiance to God regarding my choices. But it wasn't questioning out of curiosity or concern, but inquires of condemnation. A while back he wanted me to read his post on nature of evil. I finally read it and responded. I don't think he realizes that he is evil. Or at least has a higher propensity for negative actions towards others driven by hope of a self-centered reprieve from his owe insecurities at the sacrifice of someone else (their feelings, property, reputation, or life). Selfishness often leads to evil actions. I was forced to see who he really was and my hope for wanting him to be a different man, a better man, left my heart and mind. Maybe it took for me to be in that state of mind to see that. To hear and pay attention to my feelings of discernment that had been there all along.

So this new found discernment was coupled with a new sense of self. A new a surety a reliance on God that was clearer, louder, and grounded in more certainty. So then came Darrius, Cornell, Dwaun, Chris and Kay. None of them are important enough to talk about at length, but they are they all are either very attractive guys, look very good on paper, or both. But with each of them, I found it very easy to notice that they weren't for me. I didn't convince myself to stick around in hopes that there is some great part of them that I had not seen (then, because I stick around, a get attached then disappointed because the "great part" I was hoping for doesn't exist). We were never intimate. I barely hugged them. Not because I was putting up a wall or I felt the need to protect myself in some standoff-ish manner. I engaged them and my level of discernment was kicked into high gear. I could hear everything they were saying and the things they weren't. It was quiet comforting. I think I finally passed this time.

Second: School

When I started applying for PhD programs last year, I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to be involved with popular culture, I knew I wanted to teach students history and teach them to be critical thinkers through some creative method. I applied to NYU and USC's film schools since I am always critical of films, I can to go school to learn how to make my own. It made sense to me. God told me, "this isn't for you." And I didn't believe him. Crazy huh? There are many Christians who wish to hear God, I do and I tell him what I know to be right. (sigh, smh) What was I thinking? Well, what I was thinking was, "God if you don't want me to do this then what should I do? You didn't tell me soooo, I'm 'bout to do this. Make it work please. Thanks." To make sure I was accepted I flew to USC, before they reviewed my application, met the professors I was interested in working with so they could put a face with a name. Before I flew out there God said, "this is a waste of time." I ignored him. I went to study for the GRE and I found it nearly impossible to study. Like I couldn't focus. I had the same feeling when I was in the digital animation at OSU (come to find out I wasn't supposed to be an animator, its not my calling). It was the weirdest feeling. Like something was like mentally pushing the information away. I got to USC and all the professors I met with loved what I didn't. They loved my work. No one else was doing what I was doing. I talked to the professor that I would have wanted as my advisor. He said, "what you want to do it great, but let me be honest, they won't want you to do that here. I have been able to do what I want do because I have been here forever and I do it in spite of what they want me to do. You talking about people of color in this traditional film-oriented department AND you want to make them too? I'm just being honest with you. Students have tried to do what you do and they get burnt out because they don't get any help and I can't be everybody's advisor. I just don't want you to waste your time." I felt sad. Broken in a way. But also a sense of "but I can be the person that DOES do it." The whole time I was there I felt like I was wasting my time. Not because the professor said that, his words just confirmed what God already told me. I didn't get in to USC or NYU. So then, I didn't know what to do. I thought about Art Education. A full professor in the department (meaning she carries some "weight") said she really wanted to work with me and it would be no problem getting me transferred into the department's PhD program. I told her I wasn't excited about my GRE scores. She said she could get me in so it wouldn't be a problem. Meanwhile God has been saying to me "you need to apply to education's teaching and learning department." I ignored it and went ahead with what looked like was going to be an easy switch. The professor in Art Education emailed me and said, "Recently, unbeknownst to me, the Art Education department was told by the Dean to stick to the higher GRE scores for acceptance. I have written many letters on people's behalf if they didn't met the criteria for them to be accepted but this new Dean says those will no longer be accepted from our department. I will keep trying." Randomly, all of a sudden stuff changes when I'm trying to get in. I talked to the professor and she said, "Have you thought about education's school for teaching and learning? I have a friend over there. I'll call to let her know I'm sending you over there." I'm thinking "Really God? Really!" So now I'm applying to the department of education's PhD program. Finally. This seems like what God wants me to do, so that mean everything will work out they way its supposed to. In addition, when I was in Ghana, my host father introduced me to a community that needed a school built. God said, "Buy ten plots of land." Quick to argue with him I decided not to, pulled the money from my account and bought them. Come to find out, there is a professor in the school for teaching and learning who has also built a school in the same region. I talked to her and she wants to help me. God is moving.

Third: House

God told me to buy a house. Random huh? So, given my experience with not listening to him, I said I better do right this time. Whatever he said do, I did, not knowing what was going to happen next. I was going to staying in my on-campus apartment while in Ghana over the summer until it was time to move in the house. But, as God does, create some situation out of the blue. OSU decided (IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL YEAR!) to change my building into an undergrad building so all of the graduate students had to move out. "Really God? Really!" So I moved my stuff into storage and stayed in Jonathan's empty apartment for about a week before I left for Ghana. In the mean time I found a house, got a realtor and a lender. The house was a nice house but it wasn't exactly what I wanted. The loan was going to go through, except, last minute, the lender told me I needed to show that I had received child support in the last three months. Ironically, Damon stopped paying three months ago. After having to get all types of court documents etc etc, it still didn't matter, the loan didn't go through. So I was like, "ok God…guess you didn't want me to have that house." I get back from Ghana, and I said, "God, don't you want me to live in an apartment, month to month maybe, until I get a house?" "Nope," he said. "Okie dokie," I said. Before I left Nadine (my "landlord" have a post about her too) told me that she had a room for rent and I could rent a room from her. I said "cool", thinking I would be there for two weeks max since I found another home already, an even better house. Got a new lender. Got approved without including the child support, but they needed a letter saying that my loans would be deferred for at least two years (something the other lender didn't ask for). I couldn't give them that until I was accepted into a PhD program (which I am applying to now). All the school can give me now is a letter showing my loans are deferred until next summer. So, then I didn't have a lender, and I had to let the house go. So I found another lender and another house, even BETTER house. (Meanwhile, to put everything in perspective, I had already found out I was pregnant, got an abortion and Jonathan was being… well Jonathan). Everything going well with the house then my lender said that just a week before the bank changed their debt-to-ratio requirements so I couldn't be approved for the loan any more. "Really God? Really?" Still trying to figure out what God is wanting from me, I am still sticking to his commands. Nadine told me I couldn't stay in her house anymore (that was after the letter I sent to her which God told me to send) but before I sent the letter God told me that I would have to leave her place soon. I thought it was because I was going to get the house, so when she told me to leave I was shocked (but not entirely). God gave me insight into her personality. So I'm waiting. These are tests to make my faith stronger, my spiritual endurance last longer, the spirit of discernment and God's voice to be clearer. I don't feel sad, or distraught. I'm just moving along doing what God wants me to do and I can't wait to get back on here and post the greats that have happened. Just wait on the Lord, that's what I'm trying to do.