Dear Future... maybe

"To Whom it May Concern" by Choklate


Ok, (some thing you will learn about me is that I have to get things off my chest. I always have to communicate). So my concern is also on a deeper level. A level I haven't successfully come to terms w/. 1st, I'm very giving in a relationship. I give of myself. Kind of like stocks. You potentially get a better return the more u invest. Especially if u feel/know/think its a good company. But stocks are also the riskiest type of investment. I said I was nervous (& u r too) but I'm willing 2 invest in u but I need to feel u r willing to do the same. I don't want us just to be friends. I want us to date, spend time w/ each other. Go out, spend the night... All of those things. I need to know where ur heart and mind is. However, here is the deeper challenge. As much as I love God, I have my vices. And none of my serious relationships were w/ devout Christians. They were either disconnected from the church somehow (maybe only went if I dragged them) or were atheists. I think, subconsciously, I allowed this b/c I wouldn't be reminded of my challenge of w/ sex. I want God to bless me w/ a good husband...But Im also a deeply intimate and sexual person. I told u love experiences more than anything so I believe one way express ur care for some one is to make love to them, be intimate with them. Its a way to show connectedness. The problem is, as we know as Christians, that should done in marriage. But its difficult for me when I'm w/someone a care about. So if they see sex as a large part of the relationship or don't have a relationship with God, they may not understand my struggle, or if I don't think I have the strength to say no I push them away. Also if they aren't Christians I won't think about how we shouldn't be having sex so much because they won't be. ultimately I want the best for my son & I. I'm a good woman and I want a good man but very few are willing to wait (shoot I want to and I can't) and sometimes I feel like I'm compromising my blessing. But also, some times I think that maybe I will be blessed with a good and loving man even with my vices and I should just hope and pray that my future husband and I will work out our vices along the way (what's good is that my vice ends after I say "I do!"). Now, I'm not talking to you about marriage because I know that's where we r or where we r headed for sure. But also I'm not interested in dating just to be dating. I'm interested in figuring out if you could be a potential mate. So my strong reaction to this other person is two-fold: I need to be clear about where heart and mind is because I'm willing to invest and all investment takes some risk, but I want the risk to be about an unknown but potentially bright future not starting off with someone in the picture (at what ever level they may be). The second is building a healthy relationship that will be blessed by God. And I say this knowing that I'm not good at removing sex but the risk of me "blocking my blessing" is always in the back of my mind. Also hearing you talk about your celibate friend and how sex should be apart of ur relationship gave me pause (and this isn't new for me). Its kind of like being an recovering alcoholic then you date someone who says "I have to have alcohol in the house at all times." On one hand you're like "nice!" Or the other your like "whoa..." The difference, of course, is that people can be total alcoholics when they are married (umm maybe the analogy has gone too far...and making love isn't harmful the way alcohol is...anyway u know what I mean). Deep down, although I'm telling you this in all honesty I secretly wish you would choose someone else because I'm scared that if I choose you and you choose me, we invest in each other, and we can't compromise, then that would hurt worst than you leaving now. Because you wouldn't be leaving me because of who I am and who I want to be, I would be convincing you that you should choose someone else because they are a better fit for you whether they really are or not. (Sigh)I've never shared that before but hey this is me. Exposure exposure exposure (can ya handle it?) Again, its something I haven't come to terms with but trying to. So as you are considering me...us, this is a little bit more about me. (That was a nice release...)

Sincerely,
Possibly... Your "One"