Working Through Faith

Theme song: "They the Wait" Fred Hammond ft John P. Kee

God is seriously testing me for the past year, really hard. I will ask him for things, and he will tell me "ok but you have to work for it." Sometimes I pass the test. Sometimes, I do what I want to do (rearrange the orders in some way). Or I simply fail. My general prayer for most of my adult life is to "be the woman that God wants me to be" whatever that is. God has his/her (I need to start saying him or her, sometimes I forget) own way of molding people. I think most (if not the only) people's methods of learning by the hands of God are through trials and tribulations. Tests.

I have asked God for:

Wisdom

Strong faith

A greater ability to forgive

High level of discernment

The ability to hear him clearly

Each of these easily translates into everyday life: men, school, career, motherhood etc.

The bible says be careful what you wish for. As the Pussycat Dolls say "you just might get it."

Hmm where should I begin…Let's start with men.

I'm not excited about my recent interactions with men. It seemed like the moment I say, "God I want to make better choices with men," he brings another one into my life. A test. And I fail. I get involved in ways that I shouldn't. They were unhealthy both emotionally and physically. But a progression happened. Things began to change. I believe the way life/God/the universe works is that, God whispers for you to do something. You don't do it, then he gets louder, then he yells, then you hit a brick wall. Each of those stages manifest differently. We have all heard of "brick wall" stories. Something traumatic happens, a near-death experience, then the person's life changes. They have some new outlook.

From about May last year to November this year, the men seemed to be coming in my life back to back: J, Todd, Jonathan, Mohamed, Monk, Elvis, Darrius, Cornell, Dwaun, Chris and Kay. I have written extensively about J and Jonathan, and I have a post about Todd and one (or two) about Monk, so no need to reiterate too much. The first two are ex-boyfriends and the latter two were friends of varying levels (Monk was more so an associate). I have a post about Elvis on my other blog. Elvis was the oddest situation. Not quite sure why I decided to me intimate with him. But my poor choice with ended up the termination of an unwanted pregnancy. I had never had an abortion before that. And it was like a non-issue. "Of course I'm getting an abortion." It was an outer body experience. And although it wasn't something God wanted me to do, I didn't hear him tell me "no" like he did with Langston. It was part of the lesson. This was my brick wall. I thought Langston was, but he brought wisdom and a level of emotional strength that I didn't think I ever had in me. An 8 pound source of inspiration given to me by God wrapped up in a hospital blanket. He looked at me and didn't cry when he was born. Just looked at me. Like we knew each other all along but just met.

When I found out I was pregnant with Elvis' child it was a "you've got to be kidding me" feeling. There wasn't a question about what I was going to, but I needed to talk to someone. I told my mother. And she was supportive. I don't think I realized how great of a mother I had until then. I felt no judgment her voice. Only love, concern, and the belief that I knew what was right for me. I love her so much. I really needed her then but she couldn't be here, in Ohio. I mentioned I needed to talk to Jonathan. Before this, he told me her was "over me" and we were cool. We had been talking consistently as friends for awhile. But he showed his ugliest again. That was the last straw. There was no need for him to be mean to me. And he had judged me before. Questioning my allegiance to God regarding my choices. But it wasn't questioning out of curiosity or concern, but inquires of condemnation. A while back he wanted me to read his post on nature of evil. I finally read it and responded. I don't think he realizes that he is evil. Or at least has a higher propensity for negative actions towards others driven by hope of a self-centered reprieve from his owe insecurities at the sacrifice of someone else (their feelings, property, reputation, or life). Selfishness often leads to evil actions. I was forced to see who he really was and my hope for wanting him to be a different man, a better man, left my heart and mind. Maybe it took for me to be in that state of mind to see that. To hear and pay attention to my feelings of discernment that had been there all along.

So this new found discernment was coupled with a new sense of self. A new a surety a reliance on God that was clearer, louder, and grounded in more certainty. So then came Darrius, Cornell, Dwaun, Chris and Kay. None of them are important enough to talk about at length, but they are they all are either very attractive guys, look very good on paper, or both. But with each of them, I found it very easy to notice that they weren't for me. I didn't convince myself to stick around in hopes that there is some great part of them that I had not seen (then, because I stick around, a get attached then disappointed because the "great part" I was hoping for doesn't exist). We were never intimate. I barely hugged them. Not because I was putting up a wall or I felt the need to protect myself in some standoff-ish manner. I engaged them and my level of discernment was kicked into high gear. I could hear everything they were saying and the things they weren't. It was quiet comforting. I think I finally passed this time.

Second: School

When I started applying for PhD programs last year, I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to be involved with popular culture, I knew I wanted to teach students history and teach them to be critical thinkers through some creative method. I applied to NYU and USC's film schools since I am always critical of films, I can to go school to learn how to make my own. It made sense to me. God told me, "this isn't for you." And I didn't believe him. Crazy huh? There are many Christians who wish to hear God, I do and I tell him what I know to be right. (sigh, smh) What was I thinking? Well, what I was thinking was, "God if you don't want me to do this then what should I do? You didn't tell me soooo, I'm 'bout to do this. Make it work please. Thanks." To make sure I was accepted I flew to USC, before they reviewed my application, met the professors I was interested in working with so they could put a face with a name. Before I flew out there God said, "this is a waste of time." I ignored him. I went to study for the GRE and I found it nearly impossible to study. Like I couldn't focus. I had the same feeling when I was in the digital animation at OSU (come to find out I wasn't supposed to be an animator, its not my calling). It was the weirdest feeling. Like something was like mentally pushing the information away. I got to USC and all the professors I met with loved what I didn't. They loved my work. No one else was doing what I was doing. I talked to the professor that I would have wanted as my advisor. He said, "what you want to do it great, but let me be honest, they won't want you to do that here. I have been able to do what I want do because I have been here forever and I do it in spite of what they want me to do. You talking about people of color in this traditional film-oriented department AND you want to make them too? I'm just being honest with you. Students have tried to do what you do and they get burnt out because they don't get any help and I can't be everybody's advisor. I just don't want you to waste your time." I felt sad. Broken in a way. But also a sense of "but I can be the person that DOES do it." The whole time I was there I felt like I was wasting my time. Not because the professor said that, his words just confirmed what God already told me. I didn't get in to USC or NYU. So then, I didn't know what to do. I thought about Art Education. A full professor in the department (meaning she carries some "weight") said she really wanted to work with me and it would be no problem getting me transferred into the department's PhD program. I told her I wasn't excited about my GRE scores. She said she could get me in so it wouldn't be a problem. Meanwhile God has been saying to me "you need to apply to education's teaching and learning department." I ignored it and went ahead with what looked like was going to be an easy switch. The professor in Art Education emailed me and said, "Recently, unbeknownst to me, the Art Education department was told by the Dean to stick to the higher GRE scores for acceptance. I have written many letters on people's behalf if they didn't met the criteria for them to be accepted but this new Dean says those will no longer be accepted from our department. I will keep trying." Randomly, all of a sudden stuff changes when I'm trying to get in. I talked to the professor and she said, "Have you thought about education's school for teaching and learning? I have a friend over there. I'll call to let her know I'm sending you over there." I'm thinking "Really God? Really!" So now I'm applying to the department of education's PhD program. Finally. This seems like what God wants me to do, so that mean everything will work out they way its supposed to. In addition, when I was in Ghana, my host father introduced me to a community that needed a school built. God said, "Buy ten plots of land." Quick to argue with him I decided not to, pulled the money from my account and bought them. Come to find out, there is a professor in the school for teaching and learning who has also built a school in the same region. I talked to her and she wants to help me. God is moving.

Third: House

God told me to buy a house. Random huh? So, given my experience with not listening to him, I said I better do right this time. Whatever he said do, I did, not knowing what was going to happen next. I was going to staying in my on-campus apartment while in Ghana over the summer until it was time to move in the house. But, as God does, create some situation out of the blue. OSU decided (IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL YEAR!) to change my building into an undergrad building so all of the graduate students had to move out. "Really God? Really!" So I moved my stuff into storage and stayed in Jonathan's empty apartment for about a week before I left for Ghana. In the mean time I found a house, got a realtor and a lender. The house was a nice house but it wasn't exactly what I wanted. The loan was going to go through, except, last minute, the lender told me I needed to show that I had received child support in the last three months. Ironically, Damon stopped paying three months ago. After having to get all types of court documents etc etc, it still didn't matter, the loan didn't go through. So I was like, "ok God…guess you didn't want me to have that house." I get back from Ghana, and I said, "God, don't you want me to live in an apartment, month to month maybe, until I get a house?" "Nope," he said. "Okie dokie," I said. Before I left Nadine (my "landlord" have a post about her too) told me that she had a room for rent and I could rent a room from her. I said "cool", thinking I would be there for two weeks max since I found another home already, an even better house. Got a new lender. Got approved without including the child support, but they needed a letter saying that my loans would be deferred for at least two years (something the other lender didn't ask for). I couldn't give them that until I was accepted into a PhD program (which I am applying to now). All the school can give me now is a letter showing my loans are deferred until next summer. So, then I didn't have a lender, and I had to let the house go. So I found another lender and another house, even BETTER house. (Meanwhile, to put everything in perspective, I had already found out I was pregnant, got an abortion and Jonathan was being… well Jonathan). Everything going well with the house then my lender said that just a week before the bank changed their debt-to-ratio requirements so I couldn't be approved for the loan any more. "Really God? Really?" Still trying to figure out what God is wanting from me, I am still sticking to his commands. Nadine told me I couldn't stay in her house anymore (that was after the letter I sent to her which God told me to send) but before I sent the letter God told me that I would have to leave her place soon. I thought it was because I was going to get the house, so when she told me to leave I was shocked (but not entirely). God gave me insight into her personality. So I'm waiting. These are tests to make my faith stronger, my spiritual endurance last longer, the spirit of discernment and God's voice to be clearer. I don't feel sad, or distraught. I'm just moving along doing what God wants me to do and I can't wait to get back on here and post the greats that have happened. Just wait on the Lord, that's what I'm trying to do.

Fortress People: A letter to my “landlord”

To my "landlord":

I'm not sure if another discussion about our interactions would be productive. But, I don't often leave situations without addressing them. If you were anyone else I would ask for us to have a discussion but instead I have opted to write this so that you may see where I am coming from. This is not to encourage a discussion, but if you find it necessary then I will participate.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. And those occurrences come about for us learn how to better understand ourselves and understand others, thus making our ways of maneuvering through this world easier and more productive. What has been happening is that I continue to come in contact with persons I have recently deemed "fortress people." These people are not people I simply pass by or a meet somewhere, each of these people has, in some form (been in a relationship with, lived with…something), has been a part of my intimate space: My son's father, Jonathan, and you. Because this continues to happen, God/the universe is telling me that I am supposed to learn something from each of these individuals and I need to learn how to deal with them, because there is something in my future where will have to intimately deal with a "fortress person": A future mate, a business partner, or my son. I pray to God it's not Langston or my future husband but that is more so for me to think about and find out, and not to discuss here.

So what do I mean by "fortress person" and what have I learned about them? Fortress people tend to be emotionally immature, in that they don't embrace all emotions and those that they do, they don't want to express or openly embrace the emotions' full capacity [they don't mind being sad but to be depressed (however you define it) is going too far. They don't mind loving someone but to be deeply in love may be disturbing]. In my experience, "fortress people" think a lot about their feelings and associate a set of logic that they feel should correspond with those feelings. They don't see thinking and feeling as mutually exclusive, rather the former being logical, rational, and "right" and the latter being illogical, irrational, and can leave one too vulnerable for decisions that may not be in their best "common sense" interest. They spend so much time and brain power separating the two, when in reality one drives the other. Often times that which they deem rational and logical is directly tied to what we feel. To give a somewhat drastic example, many thought it logical for blacks to be separate from whites. That "logic" was grounded in centuries of "scientific" articles experiments (eugenics movement seen in the US, Brazil and Europe, enlightenment theories, social Darwinism etc). There was plenty of "logic" that grounded those ideas but they were really driven by how people felt. How they felt about their social, political, and economic standing and how that would be troubled by other equally capable people possible impeding on their opportunities for success etc.

Although "fortress people" do think a lot about emotions, they tend to not do a few things. They think about their emotions on a very surface level. And when they do think about it, most of the thought is focused on how to stop feeling that way and how to not feel that way again. They don't really "sit inside" those feelings and pick apart the history that may be tied to them. Because they don't take the time to really shift through to get to a deeper meaning and they focus on trying to not feel that way anymore, their reactions or proposed solutions are quick for immediate gratification. Someone made them feel a certain way, so they do something to that person to make themselves feel better. An emotional bully. My mom used to say when I was in school "people pick on other people in order to make themselves feel better." So the bully picking on the other person had less to do with the person (they are just the bully's outlet) but more to do with the bully, whether the bully realizes it or not. So, the "fortress person" "lashes out" in some form. That form usually lies somewhere in a tangent from immature to malicious. The interesting thing about "fortress people" is that they don't see it that way. Their actions were really for them to feel better. But what they discover, is that there is another person involved and another set of feelings involved. Then when the other person's feelings, which are often negative (possible hurt), the "fortress person" has some type of revelation. As if they didn't realized their actions has an effect on other people. They then often feel some type of embarrassment or shame. Because at the time of their "bully-ing" the only person they were really thinking about was themselves. They weren't trying to be malicious, but that doesn't mean that aren't. If they took the time to dig deeper into why they retaliated (or why they retaliate at all) in such a way, then they would find more productive solutions. Often times it deals with a history (or a set of histories) that they may have never considered. These histories have laid the foundation for how they feel about themselves and how that determines (and compromises) how they operate within the world. For example, my son's father has treated me terribly. He has even said that I have done nothing to him but he continues to be rude, uncaring, obnoxious, and overall immature about being a father. Although it is difficult for me to not take his actions personally, I know his actions have less to do with me and more to do with him even though he doesn't realize it.

Langston was not planned, and he and I were not in a relationship. This is not how he expected to have his child. So that made him angry. I didn't have an abortion like he wanted. He couldn't be in control. So he lashed out. But I didn't. His parents did not have a healthy relationship. And he has friends who, the mother of their child(ren), is using that child as a pawn to get more resources (money etc) attention etc. He also doesn't have a high self-esteem. His college education, his car, and his physical appearance is what he uses to feel good about himself and what he uses to attract people (women) to him. Therefore, his interactions with me are coming from an emotional place where he doesn't feel completely apt as a father because he doesn't feel prepared (emotionally, economically, geographically, etc) to be the father that he wants to be (and maybe never had). His limited interactions with positive independent woman forces him to only see me in a limited "my son equals a paycheck" type way. By getting to know me as the mother of his child and not some women he "got pregnant" will force him to interact with me in a way that may make him vulnerable and put him in a space that he isn't very familiar with. I have tried, to no avail, to do things that help him to change that perspective. To let him know that I don't operate that way in hopes of him trying harder to be a better father. I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't understand why he would continue to be crass and heartless. Then a met Jonathan and you and it became very clear.

Its important to really focus on people's history to put them and their actions into perspective. Things have happened in "fortress people's" lives that have made them question their worth. Made them feel bad as a person. And it started at a relatively young age. It can be anything from being picked-on in school to being in an abusive home (physically and/or emotionally/verbally abusive. It must also be noted that a lack of deep and sincere love by those who are said to love you the most, can be perceived as a passive abuse). These various forms of abuse troubles the fortress person's self-worth. Their negative experiences have made them think excessively about who they are, what they are in relation to these negative experiences. They have determined that they will never feel that way again. So fortress people move through life feeling very vulnerable. They often think of themselves as being more vulnerable than the average person. So its important that they protect themselves. That often manifests in being very controlling. They want to control their space and those who are in it. Which isn't too surprising that they often enter into occupations that offer them a sense of control (law, science and other empirical/positivist-like occupations). This false sense of control comes from the desire to control something because there are things or have been things in their lives that they felt they couldn't control. This lack of control resorted in, at best hurtful and at worst traumatic, outcomes. Therefore they have built a fortress. Not a castle. A fortress. What is interesting about a fort (like those made centuries ago) is that its purpose is to be a place to live but it purpose really is to protect those inside from battle. With a fort, everything is taken into account. It should be close to the ocean so attackers cannot sneak up on them. The attackers can't pull up to the shore because the boat is large and must anchor far away. The fort should have cannons all around the fortress especially facing the ocean just in case they do try to make in attack. The fort should sit on a hill so possible attackers can be seen far away. And just in case they do make it pass the cannons or they aren't seen from a distance, there is a deep mote that surrounds the fortress. Along with seven story walls made of stone and a gate with sharp large metal protruding cones to prevent anyone from using a log or bodies to break through.

In the same way, fortress people focus their energy on creating an emotional space that protects them. They tweak their personality that helps them ward off most people (consciously or subconsciously)… often time seen as (consciously or subconsciously) as potential attackers. Therefore, fortress people's controlling ways, dismissive attitudes, and selfishness feels necessary to them. And I use the word feel purposefully. The foundation of the fortress is made up of experiences and feelings produced by those experiences. Those experiences have motivated them to move through life in a way that they believe is logical and rational based on feelings that they haven't recognized or may know are there but don't' want to deal with. Feelings are ignored because a substantial part of their "feeling history" is not positive. Or at least they perceive it as such. Because that's to say that people who aren't fortress people haven't had unfortunate life experiences. They have. Most people have. But its about accessing the tools to deal with those experiences. And that can't happen while in the fortress.

So because "fortress people" perceive themselves to be vulnerable they are often hyper-sensitive to anything that makes them feel a way that they don't want to. For example, while in the fortress, the occupant hears something hit the wall outside. It ignites in them a series of emotions and questions: What's that noise? Whose outside? Why are they attacking me? They feel anger, confusion, worry, anxiety, frustration, concern…fear. They then deploy the cannon and kill/harm whoever whatever was outside. They see that the noise has stopped, so the fortress occupant feels better but they also see that the "attacker" has been harmed. It was the "logical" move. Now this "attacker" outside is yelling in pain because they have been harmed. You look outside and find out that it was some kids playing soccer and the ball hit the wall. Now the fortress-er feels bad. The fortress person had this reaction because they are… in a fortress. There is a certain mentality that accompanies living in such a place. Always ready and prepared for battle. Always on the look-out for things/people who may not make them feel secure. If they didn't feel that way, they wouldn't have built the fort.

The difference in someone living in a house is that they hear a noise and ask, What's that noise? Whose outside? They may feel anger, confusion, worry, anxiety, frustration, concern and fear. … but they then go look. Its them facing their fear. Its making sure that a complete understanding of the situation is understood before any action is taken. Anything from "If you all need a place to play I would rather you all go to the back" to "Get outta my yard!" No one is hurt. For me that is the "logical" and "rational" approach. For me, deploying the cannon ball so quickly is an act of emotions. The very thing fortress people pride themselves on avoiding.

There is one thing that is different about the set of questions that went on in the fortress person's head and the person in the house. The fortress person asked Why are they attacking me? That is an automatic defense mode that, as we found out, didn't need to be charged. You thought I was being rude because I didn't put the computer back the way I found it. So to "get back at" me you created a situation where I couldn't use the computer. An emotional reaction. You deployed the cannon to make yourself feel better. A bully of sorts. From my perceptive, I saw that you have left the computer in two places: the living room and the office. So, in my mind, it didn't matter where I left the computer as long as it was left in places where you have left it. I would have thought it was rude if I used the computer and left it in my room, in the kitchen, in the basement or someplace where you wouldn't know to look for it. I thought I was being a responsible user of your things. Just like the kids thought they were being responsible and played soccer outside instead inside of their homes. But their decision cost them physical harm because someone deployed the cannon when that really didn't need to happen.

But what makes this odder and challenging for me to understand is that the fortress person, who wants to veer away from many emotions, often creates situations where they have to feel more emotions or address negative emotions more than they wish to. Now the fortress person (because they aren't intentional bad people) feels the need to go outside, face the little boy they just harmed, help him, take him to the doctor, apologize etc. All of that could have been avoided if the fortress-er reacted to the noise differently. Just looked outside to see what was happening. Fortress people avoid fear. Fear of being hurt, possibly feeling the hurt they once felt before.

I feel as though I can safely say I'm a good person. And I give people chances. Give them the benefit of the doubt. But in my experiences, giving fortress people such considerations does not result in anything productive. When I did want to continue a friendship with Jonathan, I felt myself having to build that same fort because who knows what he is going to say. I was then wondering when is he going to say something hurtful not if. I'm done with dodging cannons deployed by people who react to situations that I didn't even know existed. Me thinking to myself "How is putting a computer back where she puts it something rude? How am I being rude to her if I have my paper neatly stacked in a communal space that she rarely uses and she deliberately leaves communal spaces untidy (i.e. the blankets in the office, told me about a loud party last minute when I had work to do, the spaghetti sauce all over the stove that I cleanup and didn't say anything about) but I'm being inconsiderate?" So, for me, interacting with fortress people is much like playing Russian roulette. It has the ability to build anxiety in me that I don't need or want because, even though I have an understanding of where fortress-ers are coming from, that doesn't mean the canons hurt any less or make situations any more comfortable for me, and doesn't make their actions any less immature or malicious (regardless of whatever they perceive their intentions to be). So, as I said, I don't think a discussion is going to be productive because I belive that, at best, there will be acknowledgement that the canon shouldn't have been deployed and thoughts or promises of working on not reacting in such away in the future will be said, but its inevitable that it will. Canons will stop being deployed when they come out of the fortress and that is a life changing experience. I can't change anyone's life.

It's not fun living as if you're in a literal fortress/prison, it's no fun living in anxiety, and it not fun living in a space where you feel unwanted. So, I am doing my best to leave as soon as possible, to stay as low key as possible, and to use a little of your things as possible. I hope that this keeps the peace… or at least some semblance of it.

Thanks for reading,

Melissa

Trials and Tribulations: Something I was forced to write...I don't think what I wrote was the expected outcome

Before I began writing this, I was going to cite scholarly works that focus on implementing or discussing the need for "African-Center Pedagogy." I decided against it because I already know I'm right. Yes, and I mean that. I was going to cite articles upon articles that discuss multiculturalism and the challenges of clashing cross-race and socio-economic authority-pupil relationships. But I've seen it. I know it already. And although is it often my duty as an academic, scholar, and researcher to "justify" my position with evidence to render the "quality" of such a position by other scholars who have received the accolades the academy deems necessary to "justify" one's existence in the academy… today I decline. Instead I will speak from what I know…what I know I know. Not because I read it. Not because someone told me, but because I feel it. I have experienced it… I know it. I address this to the ambiguous world. Not addressing any particular reader…The reader doesn't make this matter. It's the fact that it exists, makes it matter.

There are two people that will be informing my "Trials and Tribulations" response that I have been told to write. I was highly inspired by the bell hooks lecture that I inconspicuously sat in on. Also I am currently reading "On Spiritual Strivings: Transforming an African American Woman's Academic Life" by Dr. Cynthia Dillard, a professor at The Ohio State University. I will use this text to assist me in gathering and utilizing the words I need to express what I know in ways that others may not know or understand. I have used both of these women's words to gather strength and understanding about my place as a student, researcher, and educator.

Yesterday my supervisor and I had a meeting. She emailed me and called because she said we needed to talk and it was important. I was in trouble. I had done something that was perceived as wrong and I needed to be "talked to." That's what it felt like. It's not what she said exactly. Usually I see things like this coming. Me and my transgressive self has "started somethin" but this time… this, was out of the blue. I had no clue. At first I thought the school I taught in on Fridays didn't like the music I played. I would like to call it "feminist music." Songs sung by women of color that was meant for uplift of black women (women in general… people in general). Maybe there was a curse word I missed or something.

I went into the office. Sat down. She shut the door behind me. After initial greetings she asked, "So how was your interaction with teacher last week?" I am working in her department and it is my job to link the school I am working with and OSU through writing programs. I go there every Friday, all day, for all periods and create my own curriculum.

I'm not sure what my face looked like but in my head I was thinking "umm, nothing really. Chit chatted once between periods."

She says, "After your conversation with her, she felt extremely hurt, said that you critiqued her curriculum, your assignment was 'elementary' (such that her third grade niece could complete), you felt her curriculum wasn't 'urban enough', she felt she had to defend her curriculum to you and doesn't want you in her classroom anymore."

Shocked. What?!

I went on to tell my supervisor, my side of the story. It was extremely frustrating. I was very angry, and disappointed. So with any of my extreme emotions I cry. I used to hate crying. I've gotten a bit used to it lately…given the "proper occasion."

She lied. She out right lied. And my supervisor apologized to her. That added to the hurt. Definitely. A friend of mine said to me once, "when you apologize for something, you are admitting you are wrong and the other person is right." The apology is to "right" your wrong. That's fine if you are wrong but what if you aren't? What happens when someone is supposed to go to bat for you but before that say they will (or can or does), they have already placed you in the wrong before they even know your story? (My supervisor apologized to the teacher because of the way the teacher felt, but did the principal apologize to my supervisor saying "I'm sorry your graduate student was personally disgusted by our teacher's curriculum?" Of course they didn't. Not saying that they should have… which is exactly my point). My supervisor says she is going to go bat for me after I told her my story… I'm not sure how that is going to look but I have decided that I can't worry about that. The teacher outright lied about me and she gets an apology? Really? And I have lessons to learn and things to "fix"? I have to write a paper? That's not fair. Life isn't fair BUT when we have the opportunity and ability to make it fair we should and that was the basis of my conversation with the teacher.

She brought to my attention the challenges she was having in her classroom. She is a young white senior high school English teacher in a majority black school. I talked to her about how we as educators have to connect the curriculum to our students. She was focusing on memoirs, so I suggested having the students read memoirs about African Americans. She showed me her curriculum. I told her that I hadn't read any of those books on the list except "Heart of a Woman" by Maya Angelou and I don't really remember it. I told her about some other African American memoirs…

She said her students don't know how to talk to adults because they aren't getting those lessons at home. "She is grouping these students" I thought to myself. As if all of them come from the same stereotypical single parent impoverished home where all the suffering known to man occurs and school is the only place they are able to have a release. But what a terrible place for such a release. In an Eurocentric environment that continues to perpetuate the negative idea the world and US society already places on them, "those" students she groups may not have a healthy release. So they release on her in the best way they know how.

The struggle to bring dignity to the practice of teaching is as much a part of the activity of teaching as is the respect that the teacher should have for the identity of the student, for the student himself or herself, and his or her right to be. ~ Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of Freedom

The first time I went to her class a student yelled at her saying, in his own words, how she groups them and places them in a negative light. He was saying what I was thinking. He just didn't have the words. He had words but there was too much behind them, in front of them, connected to them. The average listener would not be able to hear him. At least not clearly. So much passion. So much anger. The way he talked to her and "went off" on her so quickly let me know a few things A) they have a negative history B) he has had negative interactions with people of authority C) he has a limited respect for women. I got in front of him. Close enough to let him know I am in his space and he knows I am talking to him. Talked to him in a firm tone to let him know even if he doesn't respect her he is going to respect me. And that whatever problems he has with her is not going to translate into what I have going on. I am in control of this workshop. Not him. I said, "That is NOT what is about to happen in here. Not now." He stopped. He, the gentleman that was once putting his head down to go to sleep because he was "sick" was now actively participating. Willingly read multiple times without me asking. He knew where I was coming from even if I didn't say it. I didn't tell him to shut up, or said that his feelings were unimportant. What I DID tell him is right now is NOT the place, but we CAN create that place later. He heard that and he knew it. There was tension in the room. I sensed it. I purposefully sat down in a desk facing the students. Literally and symbolically joining them at their level. I shared a story about my problems with teachers. And assured all of them that you don't have to like all of your teachers. You aren't going to like all of your bosses BUT we have to learn how to deal with the situations. Your feelings of anger are warranted, I told them. I am not here to dismiss them, BUT we have to be better. Because at the end of the day, if we break the rules we get in trouble, not the person who offended us. They listened. Maybe the most attentive they had ever been. I was being real with them. On the way to gaining their trust. I told them, especially the young man, to tell me problems with being in the classroom. I listened. We all listened. It was as if he had been waiting for this day because no one asked him. Did anyone care? I asked him, "if I gave you a gift box wrapped in colorful silk, what would you do with it?"

A look of confusion as if the answer was obvious."Open it," he said.

"Ok. What if I gave you a greasy dirty paper bag, what will you do with it?"

With a look of disgust, "I would ask you why you were giving me this dirty bag. I wouldn't take it."

"Right," I said. "But both of them had diamonds inside… You have a diamond. You have important insights to offer and you have things to say that people need to hear them. But you are giving them to people in dirty paper bags. You don't have to like everyone you come in contact with. You aren't always going to like all people in authority, but we have to learn how to present our diamonds to people so that they receive them. You understand?"

He face changed. Relief almost. I could see he understood. He smiled.

"Yes, I understand."

"Good," I said..

The teacher said with a tad or a cup full of sarcasm, "Now that you all gotten this with great bond with Ms. Crum how can we work on our situation." I didn't say anything. Why wasn't this done before?

A couple weeks later would be my first time in her class with my own curriculum. Focusing on memoirs, I used a poem by Nigerian poet Wole Soyinka "Telephone Conversation" and an Erykah Badu's song "Southern Girl" to get the students thinking about other forms of memoirs and getting them thinking about creative ways of expressing themselves. I gave them an outline, a worksheet and example of how to talk about who they are and where they are from. This is what the teacher called "elementary." The goal of the worksheet was to get them thinking about creative ways to expressed themselves and build on that. Which is why I requested to work with a consistent group of students. If she would have ASKED the goal behind the worksheet she would have understood (it is an exercise suggested not only by other English teachers in the district but discussed in my graduate level "Teaching English" course, mind you) but, her comment wasn't about the worksheet or the supposed juvenile nature of the activity. It was about how I challenged her thinking in ways that she invited …and it needed to happen.

She told me that she wanted to use the "The Autobiography Malcolm X" as an example of a memoir but she didn't want to offend the one white girl one of her classes. She said Malcolm X's anti-whiteness would offend her, but she clarified, that she had only read half the book. Well, I told her that once she reads the rest of the book, she will see that Malcolm has a change of heart and mind. The conversation extended to the Black Power Movement and how there were whites apart of both the African American Civil Rights Movement and the Black Power Movement namely Bob Zellner who got his eye gouged out during a protest rallying for equal voting rights for Southern blacks. In addition, I noticed that her students read "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad. A book, torn apart by many scholars especially in Black studies because it depicts blacks as savage, unintelligent, and uncivilized. I asked her, were the black students' feelings considered when they had to read that book? Time and time again, African American children's history is grounded in negativity. "You are the descendants of slaves" U.S. curriculum teaches our Black students. And as they read a book that talks about their descendants before they were held captives and forced onto American soil, the students are presented with books like "Heart of Darkness" that further explain their history grounded in supposed degeneracy. She was silent. I continued.

Its not that "Heart of Darkness" can't be read by the students, but we have to be sure that we couple that reading with something else. Something that does not hinder the growth of our students. That helps in their identity construction.

She said she was having trouble with students that have obstacles to overcome. But she couldn't see that "The Autobiography of Malcolm X" not only discusses the obstacles he overcame but unabashedly denounced his former way of knowing for what he deemed was a more productive form. AND not only does it assist students in positive identity construction but also teaches them an element of black history that is often suppressed during the 29 days (30 on leap year) where many schools are shoved brief biographies of the same African American figures every year (Martin Luther King Jr., Harriet Tubman, and Fredrick Douglas). No Huey P. Newton, no Ella Baker, no Kwame Ture, no DuBois, Washington, Ida B. Wells. No Shirley Chisholm, Baynard Rustin, or Equiano. No bell hooks, Paula Giddings, Deborah Gray-White or Patricia Hill-Collins. No Yaa Asantawa Miriam Makeba or Patrice Lumumba… no no no. And NOW you have the opportunity to make things right… or better. You have the opportunity to make an unfair education fairer. YOU… YOU! (I didn't say all of this...at least not like this.)

She said, "But every since middle school these students have been reading urban urban urban. I want to expose them to something different."

I asked, "Is anyone saying in Upper Arlington, 'These students are reading way too many books about white people?"

Silence… still.

"If we continue to offer to the communities we engage something that they don't need or readings and representations where they cannot recognize themselves or see themselves more clearly, we are not being as researchers in love with them or ourselves. Maybe more important, we have also not yet embraced the intimate nature of re-search that ultimately forces us to surrender our sense of separateness, to see ourselves in the lives of another (84)."

I look back at my AP and honors summer reading list: "Mythology" by Edith Hamilton, "To Kill a Mockingbird", "Sials Marner", "The Scarlet Letter," Mary Shelly's "Frankenstein," "Huck Finn"… the only book that had potential was "Animal Farm" but that depended on how the teacher taught it. (I didn't learn the colonial/capitalism twists until college.) White White White. "To Kill a Mockingbird" had a black character, but of course he wasn't put in the best light, and let's not talk about racist Mark Twain and "Nigger Jim." Really people?

"But they do like some of the things I do," she says.

"That's great, but are they connected? Can they see themselves in their work?" If they aren't focusing in class, she doesn't have their attention. We as educators don't just want to aim to make students have to learn we should instead find ways to bring out the knowledge that they already have, they will enhance their everyday lives which will, in turn, encourage them to WANT to learn. Currently the education system is set up in such a way that students are given information in a certain form, they are to regurgitate that information in that same form, and who ever regurgitates the information the closest to the form given to them gets the "A". How can we trouble that?

"Defining oneself in relation to one's cultural and social community also defines one's participation within that community, both one's connection and affiliation as well as one's responsibility. Thus if one claims that one is of the group…there must be a simultaneous assessment of a person's character, values, motives, and ethics in relation to that group…regardless of the identity position claimed (e.g., Black white, male, female etc)" (19).

This teacher claimed she needed assistance… and rightfully so. Not simply because I saw a disconnect but because as educators, as people, we should always maneuver through life knowing that everyone have insight to offer us. She asked and I answered. If she didn't ask, there is a good chance our conversation would not have occurred. And this situation would not have transpired, but I don't regret our conversation. I wouldn't take anything back. For two reasons: 1) I claim to be a part of the community the students come from…are in currently. And that community is (in all of its complexity) the black community. And we, regardless of your class or gender, moves throughout this country in a certain way. Ways not always seen or known by those who do not claim our community. And as a member of this community, I have a responsibility to everyone I am given the opportunity to teach and learn from. It should be our personal responsibility to assist those who are working in our community, especially when asked. 2) It is not my job or my will to assess anyone character, values, motives, and ethics, but it is everyone's job to assess their own. Some times that occurs via self-induced self-reflection, or someone has challenged our thinking. Either way it is uncomfortable but growth does not occur during relaxation. That is why they are called growing pains. I believe my talk with the teacher motivated her (unexpectedly and unwillingly) to check her character, values, motives, and ethics. If we are going to work in any community, that has to happen. She was made uncomfortable. And discomfort is often good. But we have to know that before hand in order to embrace the discomfort and seek out the knowledge that is supposed to come from it.

Lesson learned? Perception is reality and no one has control over another perception. But that should not limit opportunities for growth. I could have refrained from discussing the issues she has with her class that I did not have when I taught and refuse to assist her with her classroom and curriculum suggestions in order to prevent this situation. But she could have taken that the wrong way. "You have come to my classroom because we have asked for you assistance, you are able to handle my class differently than I am, but you won't talk to me about it?"That could have easily happened. I could have told her to talk to my supervisor, but how can my supervisor adequately explain and discuss what I DO in the classroom? If I was her, I would have taken offense to such a suggestion. We have to know our purpose, speak truth and hope that the truth that we speak has its proper effect. I rest with a surety that the teacher has at least thought about the conversation we had. She thought about it and it bothered her so much that she fabricated our discussion and SHE scrutinized MY curriculum, not the other way around. The things that bother us, that change our mood, that guide our actions have power. And it has power because we gave it power. Our conversation had power, and I hope that, sooner or later, the character, values, motives and ethics "check" that I indirectly gave her, will become a self-check and she will no longer need others to show to her, her TRUE colors… whether they realize it or not.

"From an endarkened epistemology ground, all views expressed and actions taken related to educational inquiry arise from a personally and culturally defined set of beliefs that render the researcher responsible to the members and the well-being of the community from which their very definition arises: To know something is to have a living relationship with it, influencing and being influenced by it, responding to and being responsible for it (20)."

"…That we conduct ourselves in such a way as to leave our students and others as though we may never meet again. Such a practice would clearly help us to transform the ways that we act, talk, and interact with others. And it is a way for us to live in a conscious manner, recognizing that every moment that we have breath is an eternal moment, connected to all other moments past, present, and future. Thus every moment can be a moment of re-search, of searching again, of change and growth in our spiritual lives (73)."

"How can I be an educator if I do not develop in myself a caring and loving attitude toward the student, which is indispensable on the part of one who is committed to teaching and to the education process itself." Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of Freedom

All students that I teach are my students. My students for the day, the hour, the year, a lifetime. I am responsible for educating them for the time that I have them. That also means engaging in a dialogue with people who are also responsible for them. This engagement can happen in different ways and can be initiated by either party. How am I to determine your reception of my information if you haven't initiated the dialogue? Or if the adequate space or time has not been created in order for us to have a discussion? Often times, I wait for such an occasion. BUT if you engage me… then I have received your request for dialogue, keeping in mind my dedication and responsibility to my community and my respect for the educational process.

Lesson learned? I will forever be dedicated to my community because I am a responsible member of that community. I handled my engagement responsibly and asked open-ended questions that allowed for, demanded even, a level of introspection, self-inquiry, and contemplation that she may have never done before. Therefore, it needed to be done. She has entered into a community she does not know and doesn't know HOW to know it. Maybe she is a step closer. But I have become a stronger member of my community for it. Those students recognized that they were important, that I knew they were important and that something wasn't right with their classroom environment. It doesn't mean that they understood me better because I am black and the teacher is white. Skin color does not fully explain or determine community membership. But they understood and saw a responsible community member in me and I have learned that I will never stray from that. "There are innumerable well-intentioned bank-clerk teachers who do not realize that they are serving only to dehumanize." Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of the Oppressed.

"Black women cannot afford to be fools of any type, for our objectification as the other denies us the protections that white skin, maleness, and wealth confer. This distinction between knowledge and wisdom, and the use of experience as the cutting edge dividing them, has been key to Black women's survival. In the context of race, gender, and class oppression, the distinction is essential. Knowledge without wisdom is adequate for the powerful, but wisdom is essential to the survival of the subordinate." Patricia Hill-Collins

"In a racist society like this one, the storytellers are usually white and so 'women' turns out to be 'white women.' Why in the face of the challenges from 'different' women and from feminist method itself is feminist essentialism so persistent and pervasive? In my view, as long as feminists, like theorists in the dominant culture, continue to search for gender and racial essences, Black women will not be anything more than a crossroads between two kinds of domination or at the bottom of a hierarchy of oppressions; We will always be required to choose pieces of ourselves to present as wholeness" (26).

"In the narratives, even with the variability that was articulated in the unique individual versions of who we are as Black women researchers, coherence is realized in our collective refusal to be reduced to someone else's terms: To give voice to silenced spaces as an act of resistance" (19).

I have felt silenced during this situation. Interestingly, everyone involved are women. But all were not adequately heard. I cannot ignore the interesting "racial-play," if you will. Some able to give voice to their concerns, others not. Me feeling as if I was put in a place of "wrong" when I was the only person wronged and not given the opportunity to address my accuser. It is interesting reading these quotes then listening to bell hooks today talking about the erasure of black women's voices. How we can be silenced by those who do and don't look like us. I don't see this circumstance (in all of its layers and complexity) as small by any means. It is a microcosm of what happens every day on a macro scale.

Lesson learned? I must be careful about the expectation I have of others and limit my upset feelings and disappointment. Although, I don't appreciate the place I have been put in the circumstance, I can understand why certain decisions have been made. I have reconciled for myself, my limited space in this circumstance with the wishes of those in administration who feel that this is the best move. There are others in compromising positions. I understand that. And if someone has the power to make sure their position is less compromised than someone else's with the thought that they are taking into consideration the program and the schools, then I understand why that decision would be made.

YOU can only "right" the wrong done to you. But you must first decide if its worth your energy to "right." My voice matters, regardless of who hears it. It matters simply because it was voiced, with or without the audience desired. I am content.

"…Such thinking, such behavior, such a belief system…is out of [seeking] consonance with white-male Western thinking which not only teaches dualism of the body and soul, but also elevation of the body over the soul. In a sense, then, I sought validation at the cost of my soul (40)."

"Fundamentally, if we see research and teaching as both intellectual and spiritual endeavors, then the purpose of our research will be to more fully love and serve human beings and to serve life. In this way, the academic life of a teacher or researcher will not be centered in the long-standing, ego driven rewards we've held up in the academy as important, but instead on making the world a better place, on ending oppression, on becoming more fully human ourselves through the work that we do in the world (42)."

"No one can be authentically human while he prevents others from being so." Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of the Oppressed

"I can only dislike what I am doing under the pain of not doing it well." Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of Freedom

"Some people have developed theories about teaching inner-city youth, and most of those theories are predicated on preparing these youth to participate in the mainstream, while never questioning the sanity of joining in a system that has systematically oppressed and exploited the very youth we are teaching. If preparing them to be productive citizens is the bottom line of what we do, then we might as well be teaching courses in suicide. I do not apologize for my stance: I advocate education for liberation, not education for mainstream socialization." Kalamu Ya Salaam