Anxiety and Love… or something like that. Men are stupid...Just kidding

Im not sure how I feel right now. Not very good. Uncomfortable. I've felt this before. Like I want to, need to get a whole lot of stuff done but I anticipate it being so overwhelming that I don't want to do it, but so want to do it at the same time. And I also need to do it.

1. I have sign up for 3 classes this quarter. I just ordered my books. About 20 books total. They come out to be over $500. That's ate a large part of my budget since I only set aside $150. I'm going to look into auditing the English class I signed up for. The topic really fits my thesis but it's a lot of reading.
   
2. I took out a student loan in order to pay for my Ghana plane ticket, but I had to pay $400 towards my son's daycare, need to get insurance for my care (which ran out a while ago), I'm want to travel to LA and NYC to visit my potential schools which is going to cost at least $700 and that's with staying with friends, I had to pay almost double my rent, and not to mention the $500 in books. All of this means that it doesn't look like I will be buying my ticket this quarter unless I find some more money somewhere.
   
3. I will be starting the high school political arts program in 2 weeks which is the result of 6 months of preparation. I feel like there is much that needs to happen, that needs to be solidified, so that I need to learn, and get together even though I have done so much thus far.
   
4. I'm graduating this year and I have a thesis to write. Even though I am maybe farther along that my cohorts in the writing process, I feel like there is so much more to write. (I'm might be making this harder, writing feeling like a lot).
   
5. I'm concerned about being accepted in the PhD programs I applied for even though I'm not supposed to be. Everyone is saying I shouldn't be. Plus I'm supposed to…I am leaving it n God's hands, thus I'm not supposed to worry. But I don't feel like I'm "worrying" per se but I am thinking about it… with concern. I think that is probably worry. One reason I really want to visit the schools. But that probably isn't a good idea. I feel like that's me trying to make things happen when it is already determined. Geez. I probably can't go anyway since my money is looking funny.
   
6. And, of course, these dumb man troubles. Not that the men are dumb. The troubles are dumb. Someone told me my tire was slashed. I think I might have hit something or my tire brushed against something but I was told it really looks like two knife marks. I think it was "Todd." I don't know anyone else who would do that. Still don't know what I did to him for him to be like this. But again I don't how it happened. I never heard of a ma doing something like this. It like that Jasmine Sullivan song or that Boondocks episode. It's all a tad bit much. I do pray for him. And I do care for him. I just not sure how much of that is pity.
   
7. J called me on my birthday. Damn. I saw that I had a missed call and voice mail from an unknown number. The other I was talking to (the one that apparently isn't that into me) calls from an unknown number so I thought it was probably him. I listened to the voice mail and it was J. Damn. I called him back and said, "Why do you keep doing this to me?" He said, "What? Call you?" "Yes!" I said. Then we proceeded to talk until 5am the next morning. In that conversation I discovered that he is still in a relationship that sounds pretty so-so. They broke and then got back together because they said they really didn't have a reason to break up in the first place. And he didn't her that we were intimate while in Toronto. He said, "She knows." But he didn't tell her straight up. I'm not sure why I want him to tell her. Partly because I think that he should but I think mostly because I want them to break up and I want him to choose me. But that sounds like one of those Maury Povich/ Dr. Phil/ Ricki Lake type stories. I can hear the audience member now, "Girl, if her cheated on her with you he is going to cheat on you! Leave that n*gga alone!" And it's true. I think. (Sigh). I do. So he asks me about any relationships I had been in since Toronto and I told him about Todd and the drama. I than asked him why does he always ask me about my relationships. He said so he can see if they are good enough for me since he knows what I like and what I need. He judges them based on him. Well that's with the assumption that he is the right man for me. This is questionable since he isn't with me. That has the potential to be pretty depressing, LOL. Following his logic, the best man for me doesn't want to be with me. That's unfortunate. Anyway, I said "then that means that you are the best man for me. So why aren't you with me?" He paused as if he either never thought about it or had but never came up with a good answer. He said, in so many words, that he doesn't have any room to mess up with me. He would have to be completely monogamous and he knows he is easily tempted by other women. I guess that goes back to Toronto. And since he didn't tell her, it makes me wonder about him cheating on me when we were together. But I'm not going to stress or worry about it. I may never know. But what is concerning me is why do I feel like he is the best man for me given all of this that I know? I am basically asking for a failed relationship. Am I asking to be with a man that I know will cheat on me? Why do I want to be with a man who is unsure about the success of a relationship with me before a serious shot at it? One thing I can say, five plus years ago I would have never gotten such insight into his feelings. That's something I wish for when we were together. So there are a few things I am unclear about: Why doesn't he want to maintain contact with me? He lives in another country and we will almost never see each other so he isn't keeping around for sex or anything. He isn't perusing a relationship with me and I find it hard to believe a man wants to maintain contact with his ex-girlfriend just have another female friend around. And why would he want to do this after I told him how I feel about him? Is this some kind of ego stroking? Some kind of carrot on stick type stuff to get his rocks off? That's not him though. He also mentions, "You know every time we have a fight you end up dating someone right after." That caught me off guard. Never thought about it. Then I did. When we were first in this weird non-labeling stage of our relationship in undergrad (it's a long, weird and confusing story which is also a bit much and sometime I should not have put up with) I got a call from an ex from high school and he wanted to fly to Florida form New York to see me for Valentine's Day. Since I apparently didn't have a man told him sure. Then J came by my house on Valentine 's Day with a flower and candy after I told him not to come over because I had company. I guess he didn't believe me. All I asked was for him to be straight up with me about my status in his life and he never gave me a clear answer and then he wanted to get upset that I had someone else who wanted to spend time with me when he was playing games. We got back into good graces (still not labeled sure left me very insecure because I didn't understand the rules of this weird gray relationship area), then it got rocky again and I started dating a friend of mine. He continued to find his way in my life some kind of way. He would call to ask how I was doing, when I called myself getting over this man who wasn't sure about putting a label on our relationship. I didn't understand why he still wanted to talk to me if he didn't want to be with me because all I wanted to do was be with him. This I was preparing to leave for graduate school and I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I didn't want to be his friend I want to be his woman and he apparently wasn't ready for that. It was really hard. I cried a lot. I got to Ohio and found myself messing with this (horrible) guy. I knew something had to be wrong because up to that point I dating guys that were their friends or ex's so I knew they cared about me. This guy was SO random I don't know what was going on in my head. Well I discovered that I was with-child. I can't remember who called who first when I reach Ohio, but J and I were talking intermittingly once I got up there. I told him I was pregnant and he was pretty mean about it. AGAIN, I didn't know why he would be upset if he wasn't interested in being with me. If I was just his friend. Anyway he flew up to Ohio to see me. At the point I was about 5 or 6 months pregnant. He took me with him to Michigan while he visited his family. This would have been the second time he took me to meet a part of his family. The other time was when he paid for me to go to Miami and stay with him and his family for a few days over New Year's. My mom invited him to her wedding, which I really didn't want her to do, and of course he showed up. All those stupid feelings came back. Well I found myself all wrapped up in him again. He came to visit me and my son while we were in Florida and he brought my son gifts for his first birthday. But of course he never attempted to solidify a relationship with me. And I decided that I couldn't be in this weird friend state and said I couldn't interact with him and that it was too hard. About a month later, I found myself in a relationship with Clarance. Then after the Toronto fiasco I got involved with Todd. Each time I got involved with a guy it seems to always be about one month after J and I have some kind of eruption. He said I am trying too hard to remove him from my life and he may be right. Ahh!!! This is so stupid. Why doesn't it have to be like this? He asked me what is it about him that makes me want to be with him. And I gave him a list: Goal-oriented, caring, would make an excellent father (watching him take care of his brother and cousin), emotionally strong, responsible (fiscally and in regards to integrity), family oriented, etc. But am I allowing this to overshadow the obvious? If he isn't "that into" me why isn't that enough to make me not "that into" him? If this all had to do with me subconsciously "needing" a man then why isn't this same feeling directed towards anyone? Or other ex's? I remember being soo attached to Kevin (the ex from high school who came from New York to spend Valentine's Day with me) but I got over him pretty quickly. And as much as I love Clarance, his recent actions are making the bond between us weaker and weaker (maybe I'll talk about that later). It not I'm on some "bad boy" type thing or the I want something that I can't have. At least I don't think so, because I really don't want to want him more so because he doesn't want me. At least that is how it appears. He said from the beginning I have been more mature about relationships that him. I guess he is referring to my focus on commitment. I'm not sure what he meant since he never really made that clear. I can't say it's as easy as him deciding to be with me because I'm still unsure about how he operates in a relationship given the one he is in right now. (Sigh). This is all a bit much. More self work to be continued.