Before I began writing this, I was going to cite scholarly works that focus on implementing or discussing the need for "African-Center Pedagogy." I decided against it because I already know I'm right. Yes, and I mean that. I was going to cite articles upon articles that discuss multiculturalism and the challenges of clashing cross-race and socio-economic authority-pupil relationships. But I've seen it. I know it already. And although is it often my duty as an academic, scholar, and researcher to "justify" my position with evidence to render the "quality" of such a position by other scholars who have received the accolades the academy deems necessary to "justify" one's existence in the academy… today I decline. Instead I will speak from what I know…what I know I know. Not because I read it. Not because someone told me, but because I feel it. I have experienced it… I know it. I address this to the ambiguous world. Not addressing any particular reader…The reader doesn't make this matter. It's the fact that it exists, makes it matter.
There are two people that will be informing my "Trials and Tribulations" response that I have been told to write. I was highly inspired by the bell hooks lecture that I inconspicuously sat in on. Also I am currently reading "On Spiritual Strivings: Transforming an African American Woman's Academic Life" by Dr. Cynthia Dillard, a professor at The Ohio State University. I will use this text to assist me in gathering and utilizing the words I need to express what I know in ways that others may not know or understand. I have used both of these women's words to gather strength and understanding about my place as a student, researcher, and educator.
Yesterday my supervisor and I had a meeting. She emailed me and called because she said we needed to talk and it was important. I was in trouble. I had done something that was perceived as wrong and I needed to be "talked to." That's what it felt like. It's not what she said exactly. Usually I see things like this coming. Me and my transgressive self has "started somethin" but this time… this, was out of the blue. I had no clue. At first I thought the school I taught in on Fridays didn't like the music I played. I would like to call it "feminist music." Songs sung by women of color that was meant for uplift of black women (women in general… people in general). Maybe there was a curse word I missed or something.
I went into the office. Sat down. She shut the door behind me. After initial greetings she asked, "So how was your interaction with teacher last week?" I am working in her department and it is my job to link the school I am working with and OSU through writing programs. I go there every Friday, all day, for all periods and create my own curriculum.
I'm not sure what my face looked like but in my head I was thinking "umm, nothing really. Chit chatted once between periods."
She says, "After your conversation with her, she felt extremely hurt, said that you critiqued her curriculum, your assignment was 'elementary' (such that her third grade niece could complete), you felt her curriculum wasn't 'urban enough', she felt she had to defend her curriculum to you and doesn't want you in her classroom anymore."
Shocked. What?!
I went on to tell my supervisor, my side of the story. It was extremely frustrating. I was very angry, and disappointed. So with any of my extreme emotions I cry. I used to hate crying. I've gotten a bit used to it lately…given the "proper occasion."
She lied. She out right lied. And my supervisor apologized to her. That added to the hurt. Definitely. A friend of mine said to me once, "when you apologize for something, you are admitting you are wrong and the other person is right." The apology is to "right" your wrong. That's fine if you are wrong but what if you aren't? What happens when someone is supposed to go to bat for you but before that say they will (or can or does), they have already placed you in the wrong before they even know your story? (My supervisor apologized to the teacher because of the way the teacher felt, but did the principal apologize to my supervisor saying "I'm sorry your graduate student was personally disgusted by our teacher's curriculum?" Of course they didn't. Not saying that they should have… which is exactly my point). My supervisor says she is going to go bat for me after I told her my story… I'm not sure how that is going to look but I have decided that I can't worry about that. The teacher outright lied about me and she gets an apology? Really? And I have lessons to learn and things to "fix"? I have to write a paper? That's not fair. Life isn't fair BUT when we have the opportunity and ability to make it fair we should and that was the basis of my conversation with the teacher.
She brought to my attention the challenges she was having in her classroom. She is a young white senior high school English teacher in a majority black school. I talked to her about how we as educators have to connect the curriculum to our students. She was focusing on memoirs, so I suggested having the students read memoirs about African Americans. She showed me her curriculum. I told her that I hadn't read any of those books on the list except "Heart of a Woman" by Maya Angelou and I don't really remember it. I told her about some other African American memoirs…
She said her students don't know how to talk to adults because they aren't getting those lessons at home. "She is grouping these students" I thought to myself. As if all of them come from the same stereotypical single parent impoverished home where all the suffering known to man occurs and school is the only place they are able to have a release. But what a terrible place for such a release. In an Eurocentric environment that continues to perpetuate the negative idea the world and US society already places on them, "those" students she groups may not have a healthy release. So they release on her in the best way they know how.
The struggle to bring dignity to the practice of teaching is as much a part of the activity of teaching as is the respect that the teacher should have for the identity of the student, for the student himself or herself, and his or her right to be. ~ Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of Freedom
The first time I went to her class a student yelled at her saying, in his own words, how she groups them and places them in a negative light. He was saying what I was thinking. He just didn't have the words. He had words but there was too much behind them, in front of them, connected to them. The average listener would not be able to hear him. At least not clearly. So much passion. So much anger. The way he talked to her and "went off" on her so quickly let me know a few things A) they have a negative history B) he has had negative interactions with people of authority C) he has a limited respect for women. I got in front of him. Close enough to let him know I am in his space and he knows I am talking to him. Talked to him in a firm tone to let him know even if he doesn't respect her he is going to respect me. And that whatever problems he has with her is not going to translate into what I have going on. I am in control of this workshop. Not him. I said, "That is NOT what is about to happen in here. Not now." He stopped. He, the gentleman that was once putting his head down to go to sleep because he was "sick" was now actively participating. Willingly read multiple times without me asking. He knew where I was coming from even if I didn't say it. I didn't tell him to shut up, or said that his feelings were unimportant. What I DID tell him is right now is NOT the place, but we CAN create that place later. He heard that and he knew it. There was tension in the room. I sensed it. I purposefully sat down in a desk facing the students. Literally and symbolically joining them at their level. I shared a story about my problems with teachers. And assured all of them that you don't have to like all of your teachers. You aren't going to like all of your bosses BUT we have to learn how to deal with the situations. Your feelings of anger are warranted, I told them. I am not here to dismiss them, BUT we have to be better. Because at the end of the day, if we break the rules we get in trouble, not the person who offended us. They listened. Maybe the most attentive they had ever been. I was being real with them. On the way to gaining their trust. I told them, especially the young man, to tell me problems with being in the classroom. I listened. We all listened. It was as if he had been waiting for this day because no one asked him. Did anyone care? I asked him, "if I gave you a gift box wrapped in colorful silk, what would you do with it?"
A look of confusion as if the answer was obvious."Open it," he said.
"Ok. What if I gave you a greasy dirty paper bag, what will you do with it?"
With a look of disgust, "I would ask you why you were giving me this dirty bag. I wouldn't take it."
"Right," I said. "But both of them had diamonds inside… You have a diamond. You have important insights to offer and you have things to say that people need to hear them. But you are giving them to people in dirty paper bags. You don't have to like everyone you come in contact with. You aren't always going to like all people in authority, but we have to learn how to present our diamonds to people so that they receive them. You understand?"
He face changed. Relief almost. I could see he understood. He smiled.
"Yes, I understand."
"Good," I said..
The teacher said with a tad or a cup full of sarcasm, "Now that you all gotten this with great bond with Ms. Crum how can we work on our situation." I didn't say anything. Why wasn't this done before?
A couple weeks later would be my first time in her class with my own curriculum. Focusing on memoirs, I used a poem by Nigerian poet Wole Soyinka "Telephone Conversation" and an Erykah Badu's song "Southern Girl" to get the students thinking about other forms of memoirs and getting them thinking about creative ways of expressing themselves. I gave them an outline, a worksheet and example of how to talk about who they are and where they are from. This is what the teacher called "elementary." The goal of the worksheet was to get them thinking about creative ways to expressed themselves and build on that. Which is why I requested to work with a consistent group of students. If she would have ASKED the goal behind the worksheet she would have understood (it is an exercise suggested not only by other English teachers in the district but discussed in my graduate level "Teaching English" course, mind you) but, her comment wasn't about the worksheet or the supposed juvenile nature of the activity. It was about how I challenged her thinking in ways that she invited …and it needed to happen.
She told me that she wanted to use the "The Autobiography Malcolm X" as an example of a memoir but she didn't want to offend the one white girl one of her classes. She said Malcolm X's anti-whiteness would offend her, but she clarified, that she had only read half the book. Well, I told her that once she reads the rest of the book, she will see that Malcolm has a change of heart and mind. The conversation extended to the Black Power Movement and how there were whites apart of both the African American Civil Rights Movement and the Black Power Movement namely Bob Zellner who got his eye gouged out during a protest rallying for equal voting rights for Southern blacks. In addition, I noticed that her students read "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad. A book, torn apart by many scholars especially in Black studies because it depicts blacks as savage, unintelligent, and uncivilized. I asked her, were the black students' feelings considered when they had to read that book? Time and time again, African American children's history is grounded in negativity. "You are the descendants of slaves" U.S. curriculum teaches our Black students. And as they read a book that talks about their descendants before they were held captives and forced onto American soil, the students are presented with books like "Heart of Darkness" that further explain their history grounded in supposed degeneracy. She was silent. I continued.
Its not that "Heart of Darkness" can't be read by the students, but we have to be sure that we couple that reading with something else. Something that does not hinder the growth of our students. That helps in their identity construction.
She said she was having trouble with students that have obstacles to overcome. But she couldn't see that "The Autobiography of Malcolm X" not only discusses the obstacles he overcame but unabashedly denounced his former way of knowing for what he deemed was a more productive form. AND not only does it assist students in positive identity construction but also teaches them an element of black history that is often suppressed during the 29 days (30 on leap year) where many schools are shoved brief biographies of the same African American figures every year (Martin Luther King Jr., Harriet Tubman, and Fredrick Douglas). No Huey P. Newton, no Ella Baker, no Kwame Ture, no DuBois, Washington, Ida B. Wells. No Shirley Chisholm, Baynard Rustin, or Equiano. No bell hooks, Paula Giddings, Deborah Gray-White or Patricia Hill-Collins. No Yaa Asantawa Miriam Makeba or Patrice Lumumba… no no no. And NOW you have the opportunity to make things right… or better. You have the opportunity to make an unfair education fairer. YOU… YOU! (I didn't say all of this...at least not like this.)
She said, "But every since middle school these students have been reading urban urban urban. I want to expose them to something different."
I asked, "Is anyone saying in Upper Arlington, 'These students are reading way too many books about white people?"
Silence… still.
"If we continue to offer to the communities we engage something that they don't need or readings and representations where they cannot recognize themselves or see themselves more clearly, we are not being as researchers in love with them or ourselves. Maybe more important, we have also not yet embraced the intimate nature of re-search that ultimately forces us to surrender our sense of separateness, to see ourselves in the lives of another (84)."
I look back at my AP and honors summer reading list: "Mythology" by Edith Hamilton, "To Kill a Mockingbird", "Sials Marner", "The Scarlet Letter," Mary Shelly's "Frankenstein," "Huck Finn"… the only book that had potential was "Animal Farm" but that depended on how the teacher taught it. (I didn't learn the colonial/capitalism twists until college.) White White White. "To Kill a Mockingbird" had a black character, but of course he wasn't put in the best light, and let's not talk about racist Mark Twain and "Nigger Jim." Really people?
"But they do like some of the things I do," she says.
"That's great, but are they connected? Can they see themselves in their work?" If they aren't focusing in class, she doesn't have their attention. We as educators don't just want to aim to make students have to learn we should instead find ways to bring out the knowledge that they already have, they will enhance their everyday lives which will, in turn, encourage them to WANT to learn. Currently the education system is set up in such a way that students are given information in a certain form, they are to regurgitate that information in that same form, and who ever regurgitates the information the closest to the form given to them gets the "A". How can we trouble that?
"Defining oneself in relation to one's cultural and social community also defines one's participation within that community, both one's connection and affiliation as well as one's responsibility. Thus if one claims that one is of the group…there must be a simultaneous assessment of a person's character, values, motives, and ethics in relation to that group…regardless of the identity position claimed (e.g., Black white, male, female etc)" (19).
This teacher claimed she needed assistance… and rightfully so. Not simply because I saw a disconnect but because as educators, as people, we should always maneuver through life knowing that everyone have insight to offer us. She asked and I answered. If she didn't ask, there is a good chance our conversation would not have occurred. And this situation would not have transpired, but I don't regret our conversation. I wouldn't take anything back. For two reasons: 1) I claim to be a part of the community the students come from…are in currently. And that community is (in all of its complexity) the black community. And we, regardless of your class or gender, moves throughout this country in a certain way. Ways not always seen or known by those who do not claim our community. And as a member of this community, I have a responsibility to everyone I am given the opportunity to teach and learn from. It should be our personal responsibility to assist those who are working in our community, especially when asked. 2) It is not my job or my will to assess anyone character, values, motives, and ethics, but it is everyone's job to assess their own. Some times that occurs via self-induced self-reflection, or someone has challenged our thinking. Either way it is uncomfortable but growth does not occur during relaxation. That is why they are called growing pains. I believe my talk with the teacher motivated her (unexpectedly and unwillingly) to check her character, values, motives, and ethics. If we are going to work in any community, that has to happen. She was made uncomfortable. And discomfort is often good. But we have to know that before hand in order to embrace the discomfort and seek out the knowledge that is supposed to come from it.
Lesson learned? Perception is reality and no one has control over another perception. But that should not limit opportunities for growth. I could have refrained from discussing the issues she has with her class that I did not have when I taught and refuse to assist her with her classroom and curriculum suggestions in order to prevent this situation. But she could have taken that the wrong way. "You have come to my classroom because we have asked for you assistance, you are able to handle my class differently than I am, but you won't talk to me about it?"That could have easily happened. I could have told her to talk to my supervisor, but how can my supervisor adequately explain and discuss what I DO in the classroom? If I was her, I would have taken offense to such a suggestion. We have to know our purpose, speak truth and hope that the truth that we speak has its proper effect. I rest with a surety that the teacher has at least thought about the conversation we had. She thought about it and it bothered her so much that she fabricated our discussion and SHE scrutinized MY curriculum, not the other way around. The things that bother us, that change our mood, that guide our actions have power. And it has power because we gave it power. Our conversation had power, and I hope that, sooner or later, the character, values, motives and ethics "check" that I indirectly gave her, will become a self-check and she will no longer need others to show to her, her TRUE colors… whether they realize it or not.
"From an endarkened epistemology ground, all views expressed and actions taken related to educational inquiry arise from a personally and culturally defined set of beliefs that render the researcher responsible to the members and the well-being of the community from which their very definition arises: To know something is to have a living relationship with it, influencing and being influenced by it, responding to and being responsible for it (20)."
"…That we conduct ourselves in such a way as to leave our students and others as though we may never meet again. Such a practice would clearly help us to transform the ways that we act, talk, and interact with others. And it is a way for us to live in a conscious manner, recognizing that every moment that we have breath is an eternal moment, connected to all other moments past, present, and future. Thus every moment can be a moment of re-search, of searching again, of change and growth in our spiritual lives (73)."
"How can I be an educator if I do not develop in myself a caring and loving attitude toward the student, which is indispensable on the part of one who is committed to teaching and to the education process itself." Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of Freedom
All students that I teach are my students. My students for the day, the hour, the year, a lifetime. I am responsible for educating them for the time that I have them. That also means engaging in a dialogue with people who are also responsible for them. This engagement can happen in different ways and can be initiated by either party. How am I to determine your reception of my information if you haven't initiated the dialogue? Or if the adequate space or time has not been created in order for us to have a discussion? Often times, I wait for such an occasion. BUT if you engage me… then I have received your request for dialogue, keeping in mind my dedication and responsibility to my community and my respect for the educational process.
Lesson learned? I will forever be dedicated to my community because I am a responsible member of that community. I handled my engagement responsibly and asked open-ended questions that allowed for, demanded even, a level of introspection, self-inquiry, and contemplation that she may have never done before. Therefore, it needed to be done. She has entered into a community she does not know and doesn't know HOW to know it. Maybe she is a step closer. But I have become a stronger member of my community for it. Those students recognized that they were important, that I knew they were important and that something wasn't right with their classroom environment. It doesn't mean that they understood me better because I am black and the teacher is white. Skin color does not fully explain or determine community membership. But they understood and saw a responsible community member in me and I have learned that I will never stray from that. "There are innumerable well-intentioned bank-clerk teachers who do not realize that they are serving only to dehumanize." Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of the Oppressed.
"Black women cannot afford to be fools of any type, for our objectification as the other denies us the protections that white skin, maleness, and wealth confer. This distinction between knowledge and wisdom, and the use of experience as the cutting edge dividing them, has been key to Black women's survival. In the context of race, gender, and class oppression, the distinction is essential. Knowledge without wisdom is adequate for the powerful, but wisdom is essential to the survival of the subordinate." Patricia Hill-Collins
"In a racist society like this one, the storytellers are usually white and so 'women' turns out to be 'white women.' Why in the face of the challenges from 'different' women and from feminist method itself is feminist essentialism so persistent and pervasive? In my view, as long as feminists, like theorists in the dominant culture, continue to search for gender and racial essences, Black women will not be anything more than a crossroads between two kinds of domination or at the bottom of a hierarchy of oppressions; We will always be required to choose pieces of ourselves to present as wholeness" (26).
"In the narratives, even with the variability that was articulated in the unique individual versions of who we are as Black women researchers, coherence is realized in our collective refusal to be reduced to someone else's terms: To give voice to silenced spaces as an act of resistance" (19).
I have felt silenced during this situation. Interestingly, everyone involved are women. But all were not adequately heard. I cannot ignore the interesting "racial-play," if you will. Some able to give voice to their concerns, others not. Me feeling as if I was put in a place of "wrong" when I was the only person wronged and not given the opportunity to address my accuser. It is interesting reading these quotes then listening to bell hooks today talking about the erasure of black women's voices. How we can be silenced by those who do and don't look like us. I don't see this circumstance (in all of its layers and complexity) as small by any means. It is a microcosm of what happens every day on a macro scale.
Lesson learned? I must be careful about the expectation I have of others and limit my upset feelings and disappointment. Although, I don't appreciate the place I have been put in the circumstance, I can understand why certain decisions have been made. I have reconciled for myself, my limited space in this circumstance with the wishes of those in administration who feel that this is the best move. There are others in compromising positions. I understand that. And if someone has the power to make sure their position is less compromised than someone else's with the thought that they are taking into consideration the program and the schools, then I understand why that decision would be made.
YOU can only "right" the wrong done to you. But you must first decide if its worth your energy to "right." My voice matters, regardless of who hears it. It matters simply because it was voiced, with or without the audience desired. I am content.
"…Such thinking, such behavior, such a belief system…is out of [seeking] consonance with white-male Western thinking which not only teaches dualism of the body and soul, but also elevation of the body over the soul. In a sense, then, I sought validation at the cost of my soul (40)."
"Fundamentally, if we see research and teaching as both intellectual and spiritual endeavors, then the purpose of our research will be to more fully love and serve human beings and to serve life. In this way, the academic life of a teacher or researcher will not be centered in the long-standing, ego driven rewards we've held up in the academy as important, but instead on making the world a better place, on ending oppression, on becoming more fully human ourselves through the work that we do in the world (42)."
"No one can be authentically human while he prevents others from being so." Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of the Oppressed
"I can only dislike what I am doing under the pain of not doing it well." Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of Freedom
"Some people have developed theories about teaching inner-city youth, and most of those theories are predicated on preparing these youth to participate in the mainstream, while never questioning the sanity of joining in a system that has systematically oppressed and exploited the very youth we are teaching. If preparing them to be productive citizens is the bottom line of what we do, then we might as well be teaching courses in suicide. I do not apologize for my stance: I advocate education for liberation, not education for mainstream socialization." Kalamu Ya Salaam
