Dear Future... maybe

"To Whom it May Concern" by Choklate


Ok, (some thing you will learn about me is that I have to get things off my chest. I always have to communicate). So my concern is also on a deeper level. A level I haven't successfully come to terms w/. 1st, I'm very giving in a relationship. I give of myself. Kind of like stocks. You potentially get a better return the more u invest. Especially if u feel/know/think its a good company. But stocks are also the riskiest type of investment. I said I was nervous (& u r too) but I'm willing 2 invest in u but I need to feel u r willing to do the same. I don't want us just to be friends. I want us to date, spend time w/ each other. Go out, spend the night... All of those things. I need to know where ur heart and mind is. However, here is the deeper challenge. As much as I love God, I have my vices. And none of my serious relationships were w/ devout Christians. They were either disconnected from the church somehow (maybe only went if I dragged them) or were atheists. I think, subconsciously, I allowed this b/c I wouldn't be reminded of my challenge of w/ sex. I want God to bless me w/ a good husband...But Im also a deeply intimate and sexual person. I told u love experiences more than anything so I believe one way express ur care for some one is to make love to them, be intimate with them. Its a way to show connectedness. The problem is, as we know as Christians, that should done in marriage. But its difficult for me when I'm w/someone a care about. So if they see sex as a large part of the relationship or don't have a relationship with God, they may not understand my struggle, or if I don't think I have the strength to say no I push them away. Also if they aren't Christians I won't think about how we shouldn't be having sex so much because they won't be. ultimately I want the best for my son & I. I'm a good woman and I want a good man but very few are willing to wait (shoot I want to and I can't) and sometimes I feel like I'm compromising my blessing. But also, some times I think that maybe I will be blessed with a good and loving man even with my vices and I should just hope and pray that my future husband and I will work out our vices along the way (what's good is that my vice ends after I say "I do!"). Now, I'm not talking to you about marriage because I know that's where we r or where we r headed for sure. But also I'm not interested in dating just to be dating. I'm interested in figuring out if you could be a potential mate. So my strong reaction to this other person is two-fold: I need to be clear about where heart and mind is because I'm willing to invest and all investment takes some risk, but I want the risk to be about an unknown but potentially bright future not starting off with someone in the picture (at what ever level they may be). The second is building a healthy relationship that will be blessed by God. And I say this knowing that I'm not good at removing sex but the risk of me "blocking my blessing" is always in the back of my mind. Also hearing you talk about your celibate friend and how sex should be apart of ur relationship gave me pause (and this isn't new for me). Its kind of like being an recovering alcoholic then you date someone who says "I have to have alcohol in the house at all times." On one hand you're like "nice!" Or the other your like "whoa..." The difference, of course, is that people can be total alcoholics when they are married (umm maybe the analogy has gone too far...and making love isn't harmful the way alcohol is...anyway u know what I mean). Deep down, although I'm telling you this in all honesty I secretly wish you would choose someone else because I'm scared that if I choose you and you choose me, we invest in each other, and we can't compromise, then that would hurt worst than you leaving now. Because you wouldn't be leaving me because of who I am and who I want to be, I would be convincing you that you should choose someone else because they are a better fit for you whether they really are or not. (Sigh)I've never shared that before but hey this is me. Exposure exposure exposure (can ya handle it?) Again, its something I haven't come to terms with but trying to. So as you are considering me...us, this is a little bit more about me. (That was a nice release...)

Sincerely,
Possibly... Your "One"

Spiked Boomerangs: Philosophies on relationships for my Black Movie Lovers

Langston is in Florida, classes are over, (I do have a couple projects to finish but…no biggie) and I'm sitting in my house with first day off (no work no school). So what have I been doing…nothing, mostly, and it feels great. However, one of the things I have been doing (along with traipsing around Columbus in search of live music ) is catching up on my movie time. This has come with some thinking. Hmmm…thoughts thoughts thoughts...

Reaching into my DVD collection, within my top five movies is "Boomerang," the 1992 movie with Eddie Murphy, Robin Givens, and Halle Berry. The rest are, for the most part, Spike Lee joints…among them being "She's Gotta Have It" (Spike Lee's first film in 1986). I am/have been intrigued by Jacqueline (Robin Givens). There is something powerful about Jacqueline's easy nonchalant dismissiveness. "Ok Marcus, it's over." The end. Cut and scene. She catches a cab and it's a wrap. We can imagine that she teared up on her way home or secretly has some deep-seated emotional challenges but we don't get that from her character in the movie. We just believe she has moved on. I would imagine that a lot of women wish they could channel their inner Jacqueline. Throw those pesky emotions away. But for many of my friends and I we find ourselves much more like Angela (Halle Berry). Ok, ok. I was hoping to avoid this gene (passed down from my mother) but…sigh…its true. I'm a romantic (DAYUM!). Like Angela, we see this nice attractive guy, he's cool, (we may see some potential red flags but the obvious good seems to outweigh the possible bad) and so we dedicate our time and energy in the person and then…see what happens. Nola Darling (She's Gotta Have it) also appears to have her emotions "in check" (if you will). There has been a lot of writing surrounding this film (much if it about the "new" display of black women's sexual power). Although some argue her sexual desires ended in tragedy, there is something intriguing about having (or appearing to have) complete control over your emotions. Not drifting off into fantasy land.

Introducing Nola Darling (and the dudes I run into somehow made it into the movie)

So, I started thinking, "How are these movies informing our philosophies on relationships?" Mine in particular. Hmmm… Angela and I…

Angela and I are both artists. We do community work as a release from the "corporate world." (I guess mine would be a scholastic universe). We are "down to earth" and pretty easy to please. I don't think Angela and Marcus ever went on a date. They cooked and cleaned the kitchen together. Marcus volunteered with her at the community center. They were home spending time together etc. etc.

But what was the turning point? Ahhh you remember! When Jacqueline called after Angela stayed the night and Marcus and Angela had been spending a substantial amount of time together and he said to Jacqueline "Oh that's just Angela. She came by to drop off something." OOHHH Snap! Did your heart not sink for her?!

She thought she was in there like swimwear until she was "checked." Didn't even see it comin'! I, like Angela, can get caught up in the moment(s) because, hey, aren't all artists whimsical fantasy-seeking creatures?! (joking…kind of). I'm sure after over-hearing that conversation, Angela wished to have channeled her inner-Jacqueline and set the proper boundaries way before it got to that point. But on the other hand you want to be free and organic and happy and fun and…well whimsical. Well, we know the movie ends with Marcus realizing that he really loves the art-sy emotional and loving Angela and, we assume, they live happily ever after. But, of course, we live in reality. And boundary-less interactions can lead to weird awkward grey-filled areas of foggy uncertainty. Yes…all of that. So how do we successfully blend the Jacqulines/Nolas and Angela's together? Do we want to blend them? Should we choose one over the other? Women, who do you identify with? Would you blend? Men…what are your thoughts?