Dear Future... maybe

"To Whom it May Concern" by Choklate


Ok, (some thing you will learn about me is that I have to get things off my chest. I always have to communicate). So my concern is also on a deeper level. A level I haven't successfully come to terms w/. 1st, I'm very giving in a relationship. I give of myself. Kind of like stocks. You potentially get a better return the more u invest. Especially if u feel/know/think its a good company. But stocks are also the riskiest type of investment. I said I was nervous (& u r too) but I'm willing 2 invest in u but I need to feel u r willing to do the same. I don't want us just to be friends. I want us to date, spend time w/ each other. Go out, spend the night... All of those things. I need to know where ur heart and mind is. However, here is the deeper challenge. As much as I love God, I have my vices. And none of my serious relationships were w/ devout Christians. They were either disconnected from the church somehow (maybe only went if I dragged them) or were atheists. I think, subconsciously, I allowed this b/c I wouldn't be reminded of my challenge of w/ sex. I want God to bless me w/ a good husband...But Im also a deeply intimate and sexual person. I told u love experiences more than anything so I believe one way express ur care for some one is to make love to them, be intimate with them. Its a way to show connectedness. The problem is, as we know as Christians, that should done in marriage. But its difficult for me when I'm w/someone a care about. So if they see sex as a large part of the relationship or don't have a relationship with God, they may not understand my struggle, or if I don't think I have the strength to say no I push them away. Also if they aren't Christians I won't think about how we shouldn't be having sex so much because they won't be. ultimately I want the best for my son & I. I'm a good woman and I want a good man but very few are willing to wait (shoot I want to and I can't) and sometimes I feel like I'm compromising my blessing. But also, some times I think that maybe I will be blessed with a good and loving man even with my vices and I should just hope and pray that my future husband and I will work out our vices along the way (what's good is that my vice ends after I say "I do!"). Now, I'm not talking to you about marriage because I know that's where we r or where we r headed for sure. But also I'm not interested in dating just to be dating. I'm interested in figuring out if you could be a potential mate. So my strong reaction to this other person is two-fold: I need to be clear about where heart and mind is because I'm willing to invest and all investment takes some risk, but I want the risk to be about an unknown but potentially bright future not starting off with someone in the picture (at what ever level they may be). The second is building a healthy relationship that will be blessed by God. And I say this knowing that I'm not good at removing sex but the risk of me "blocking my blessing" is always in the back of my mind. Also hearing you talk about your celibate friend and how sex should be apart of ur relationship gave me pause (and this isn't new for me). Its kind of like being an recovering alcoholic then you date someone who says "I have to have alcohol in the house at all times." On one hand you're like "nice!" Or the other your like "whoa..." The difference, of course, is that people can be total alcoholics when they are married (umm maybe the analogy has gone too far...and making love isn't harmful the way alcohol is...anyway u know what I mean). Deep down, although I'm telling you this in all honesty I secretly wish you would choose someone else because I'm scared that if I choose you and you choose me, we invest in each other, and we can't compromise, then that would hurt worst than you leaving now. Because you wouldn't be leaving me because of who I am and who I want to be, I would be convincing you that you should choose someone else because they are a better fit for you whether they really are or not. (Sigh)I've never shared that before but hey this is me. Exposure exposure exposure (can ya handle it?) Again, its something I haven't come to terms with but trying to. So as you are considering me...us, this is a little bit more about me. (That was a nice release...)

Sincerely,
Possibly... Your "One"

Spiked Boomerangs: Philosophies on relationships for my Black Movie Lovers

Langston is in Florida, classes are over, (I do have a couple projects to finish but…no biggie) and I'm sitting in my house with first day off (no work no school). So what have I been doing…nothing, mostly, and it feels great. However, one of the things I have been doing (along with traipsing around Columbus in search of live music ) is catching up on my movie time. This has come with some thinking. Hmmm…thoughts thoughts thoughts...

Reaching into my DVD collection, within my top five movies is "Boomerang," the 1992 movie with Eddie Murphy, Robin Givens, and Halle Berry. The rest are, for the most part, Spike Lee joints…among them being "She's Gotta Have It" (Spike Lee's first film in 1986). I am/have been intrigued by Jacqueline (Robin Givens). There is something powerful about Jacqueline's easy nonchalant dismissiveness. "Ok Marcus, it's over." The end. Cut and scene. She catches a cab and it's a wrap. We can imagine that she teared up on her way home or secretly has some deep-seated emotional challenges but we don't get that from her character in the movie. We just believe she has moved on. I would imagine that a lot of women wish they could channel their inner Jacqueline. Throw those pesky emotions away. But for many of my friends and I we find ourselves much more like Angela (Halle Berry). Ok, ok. I was hoping to avoid this gene (passed down from my mother) but…sigh…its true. I'm a romantic (DAYUM!). Like Angela, we see this nice attractive guy, he's cool, (we may see some potential red flags but the obvious good seems to outweigh the possible bad) and so we dedicate our time and energy in the person and then…see what happens. Nola Darling (She's Gotta Have it) also appears to have her emotions "in check" (if you will). There has been a lot of writing surrounding this film (much if it about the "new" display of black women's sexual power). Although some argue her sexual desires ended in tragedy, there is something intriguing about having (or appearing to have) complete control over your emotions. Not drifting off into fantasy land.

Introducing Nola Darling (and the dudes I run into somehow made it into the movie)

So, I started thinking, "How are these movies informing our philosophies on relationships?" Mine in particular. Hmmm… Angela and I…

Angela and I are both artists. We do community work as a release from the "corporate world." (I guess mine would be a scholastic universe). We are "down to earth" and pretty easy to please. I don't think Angela and Marcus ever went on a date. They cooked and cleaned the kitchen together. Marcus volunteered with her at the community center. They were home spending time together etc. etc.

But what was the turning point? Ahhh you remember! When Jacqueline called after Angela stayed the night and Marcus and Angela had been spending a substantial amount of time together and he said to Jacqueline "Oh that's just Angela. She came by to drop off something." OOHHH Snap! Did your heart not sink for her?!

She thought she was in there like swimwear until she was "checked." Didn't even see it comin'! I, like Angela, can get caught up in the moment(s) because, hey, aren't all artists whimsical fantasy-seeking creatures?! (joking…kind of). I'm sure after over-hearing that conversation, Angela wished to have channeled her inner-Jacqueline and set the proper boundaries way before it got to that point. But on the other hand you want to be free and organic and happy and fun and…well whimsical. Well, we know the movie ends with Marcus realizing that he really loves the art-sy emotional and loving Angela and, we assume, they live happily ever after. But, of course, we live in reality. And boundary-less interactions can lead to weird awkward grey-filled areas of foggy uncertainty. Yes…all of that. So how do we successfully blend the Jacqulines/Nolas and Angela's together? Do we want to blend them? Should we choose one over the other? Women, who do you identify with? Would you blend? Men…what are your thoughts?

Gas Station Revelations: Toughening up to relax

Theme song "Alright" by Ledisi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqsc3ih3_Po

I have noticed a trend in much of my adult life. Being an activist at heart is a rewarding burden. Having an emotional attachment to things you want accomplished and people in your life you can also be over-whelming. But only at moments. Specific moments. For now, we will call them "eruptive moments/periods." Those moments are when you feel like you are being pulled in one thousand different directions and everyone needs, requested, and has some piece of you. Some of those people ask for that piece because they choose me and believe I can be of some assistance. Others ask, or I make a decision to give of myself, because I placed myself in that position of responsibility. A characteristic of that "eruptive moment" is that I want the emotional need to be reversed. Meaning I feel so spread out, so need someone to focus on me for the time being. In these moments, there is a bubbling over of "over-whelmed-ness" that has a direct connection to my love life… but only when I am not in a relationship. I have had a few eruptive periods…and each of them manifested differently and lasted about a month or two. The most challenging one was when I left home to come to graduate school. My mother was marrying a man that we all knew was not a good choice, there was a lot of tension at home, I was moving over 1,000 miles away from everything I knew, and my boyfriend throughout my undergrad and I were breaking up (and I just KNEW we were going to get married…but I realized that I was in my own fantasy. I was young…I learned…). So what happened? Subconsciously I was looking for someone to replace him…quickly. For years (up until now) I blamed it on that post-breakup "rebound stage" but it was much more than that. So I met my son's father. He looks good on paper but if I was not in my "eruptive moment" I would not have interacted with him. We are just… different people. I realized it really wasn't about my son's father when I would do things like call him by my ex's name or I would think it weird when he didn't do certain things that my ex would do. As I type this I'm thinking "that doesn't make much sense Melissa, why would you expect someone to be someone else?" Well…I did. So out of this "eruptive moment" I become pregnant. Oddly enough having my entire life change because I was bringing another life into this world didn't propel me into another "eruptive moment" (per se) but made me think "whoa…what just happened?" Its like the fog was cleared. And there stood a man (and not a very nice one) that I really didn't know, a pregnant me in my first year of grad school in a place where I knew almost no one. Mantra to self "TIME TO TOUGHEN UP MELISSA!" And I, with the grace of God, did. My son has been my propulsion for the last five years.

So fast forward a bit.

I know that I make poor choices in men when I am stressed. So, when I recognize that I am in a stressful period, I pretty much avoid men. But I'm not always successfully at it. Because for some reason someone (or many) pop-up at the wrong time. So recently I have found myself in an eruptive period. But, to start, there has been some recent successes. I wanted to buy a house and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done (that is a long story for another time). But we are in our new home and it's great. My educational career was taking odd turns and I wasn't sure what was going to happen. But I LOVE my department and I can't imagine myself anywhere else. On another note, I am building a school in Ghana and it is not moving as fast as they (or I) would like. In order for me to take advantage of many monetary opportunities for the school I need to get a 501 c (3) status which I am in the process of doing. I volunteered at my church's pantry, realized that they needed some assistance, found out they needed a director, and I became it. Realizing that more African Americans need to visit Africa and knowing it's a way to fundraise for the school, I have linked up with my church's missions department (which I am now a member of) and I am coordinating a trip for my church along with my Ghanaian host family for next year. After making all of these connections I realized that I could offer The Black Graduate and Professional Student Caucus my resources, so I was elected president. I want to do a community mural project with students in the Linden area and have been blessed to have very influential institutions excited about the project. So now its about grant writing and meeting these organizations to get stuff done. In not so great news…my son's father is trying to sue me for visitation rights (which he already has) so had someone try and hunt me down (unsuccessfully) to serve me papers. So I had to write to the judge blah blah blah… I think that's over now but who knows with him. Franklin County has denied my son child care benefits (which should have been approved and I had to figure out how to pay $165 per week for pre-school) but I have a rude and terrible caseworker and now I've been told by local people and leaders of social justice organizations that I have to appeal and request a state hearing. So since this affects the women I work with at my job (non-traditional female students, many with children), I have taken this on as a legislative project. On a positive note, deans and administrators (who have a direct connection to governing bodies because OSU is a land-grant public institution) are noticing that this is an issue to pay attention to. A professor stole merchandise from me (over 400 books that I collected to be donated to the HIV/AIDS orphans I worked with in Ghana) and have realized that I have entered into the "good ole boys club" of academia and have been pointed an numerous directions to have meeting with everyone from one up and down the bureaucratic ladder. I think that they think I'm just going to give up and not pursue it any longer…but they don't know me very well. And to top it off, Langston got bit in the face by a dog. Thank God, in the mist of my son screaming a bleeding I got him taken care of and had the where-with-all to get the man's name and number. I talked to Langston about how there are SOME mean dogs and SOME nice dogs and he doesn't appear to be traumatized and the dog had all of his shots. This, of course, doesn't take into account day-to-day things like getting dinner done, bills paid, bedtime stories read…oh and I'm taking three classes this summer and my work hours doubled this summer. So this is prime opportunity for an eruptive moment. 90% of the time I feel like I've got it together. I have my handy Black/crackberry. Got my calendar. I know where I need to be and when. Got my to-do list scratching things off. You know, getting it done. But sometimes its a bit much and often, on cue, a man appears (It's the devil I just know it! Lol! Or God helping me understand knew things about myself). On the surface it seems like the right time "oh here is someone who will distract me, treat me, and make me feel calm and relaxed." But in reality, it's a terrible time. More so because that is a lot for expectation for a new person.

I have recently found myself doing just that. I met someone. I was being pursued. I thought he was interesting. Found him attractive and found myself wanting to speed things up. Wondering about commitment. My mom said, "you are making this guy out to be much more serious than he needs to be." I said, "You're right but I don't know why…" I look at the calendar and say "umm, wait a minute Melissa. Its only been like three-weeks." But it didn't feel like three weeks it felt like an eternity. "Why?" I asked myself. And "why THIS guy?" So this guy is generally a cool guy. And after much thought I realized I was ignoring some red flags (i.e. spitefulness, among others things). But, in reality, I don't really know him. And that is normal when you are getting to know someone. That is normal when you are just kickin' it. Taking it easy. But when I am feeling over-whelmed that is almost impossible. Those three weeks felt like an eternity because I was feeling the strain of feeling myself being depleted. Running on "e". And if you ever been about to run out of gas, that trip to the gas station is full of anxiety. "God I just need to make it to the gas station." And somehow it seems further and further away. So as I feel myself being pulled a numerous directions, as I feel myself running out of gas, I am subconsciously looking for a gas station. A permanent gas station. That I know I can run to, who can hold me and say, "Its going to be fine. You're strong, you got this. It will be over soon, you will be a better woman because of it and other people will benefit too. It's going to be ok." Then I stand up, brush myself off, wipe my face, and finish marking things off the to-do list until its done. Then I can really relax. So when I began to wonder about commitment it was really about wanting a permanent gas station of my own. And in eruptive periods I'm in the car on a long trip driving 80 miles an hour and frequent trips to Mobil becomes a must. A found myself trying to speed up the "getting to know you"/realtionship process cause I felt like "I don't have much time to take in the scenery, I have to get to a gas station." This, on so many levels, is a problematic way of handling stressful times.

So then the question I posed to myself is, "am I detrimentally emotionally dependant on people when I am over-whelmed?" A VERY uncomfortable "AHHH!!!" is my response. "Not me! Not independent-I'm going to change the world- people look to me-I get stuff done ME! No way…right?" I'm ALL about discovering uncomfortable things about ourselves (myself) picking it apart, analyzing it, then growing from it. But it's a dirty job. But who else is going to do it? So, always working to be solution-oriented, I ask: How do I build my own gas station? What does it look like? What does it consist of? And how can I better figure out when I will need one before its too late? I'm pretty good about doing stuff for myself and relaxing when responsibilities creep up, but sometimes I let it creep up to far. How do we make sure we don't get burned out? Maybe occasional burned-out-ness happens, but its about how we deal with it. How we recognized how we operate in those moments and how we can create solutions so that we don't find ourselves in those eruptive moments and bring people in our lives who do not have a long enough track record with us…who don't have enough miles in your car (or you in theirs) to expect them to fill you up. I made a list a while back of the things that bring me joy. I revisit that list when I feel I need to slow down. But, it's when I feel like I can't afford the time to slow down that eruption occurs.

So, in my newfound "gas station" revelation I am making a commitment to toughen up to relax. What does that mean? I'm still working through the word "tough"… because I don't want to be hard or jaded. But there is a need to not give in and of myself too quickly… I will have to think about it some more…A man presents the opportunity for me to be weak. To relax, to not be strong for the moment and just be held, or talk or be quite or just be. To stop, turn my car off and be filled up…to be my gas station. I still want to be able to do that but there is a time and a place for that…an established relationship. In a relationship, its ok to have a moment of selfishness because you have been with each other and have established a track record of reciprocation. He has given, I have given, and now I really need him to give and them I'm ready to really give to him. And, of course, there are more moments of us just "be-ing" and appreciating each other that are in states of anxiety. I have had the opportunity to have great men in my life. But I have also learned to not to assume everyone is capable of that greatness. For me to expect that from a new person, makes me appear terribly needy and selfish and that's not me at all. It's often my self-lessness that makes me have an "e" tank. To "toughen up" is more about not getting to "e", so we won't be so weak, so depleted that we let in the wrong people, so we can be beneficial to ourselves and those who needs us.

The learning process continues…I feel better now.

This quote spoke to me...
"You aren't going to be my first, my last or my only... I've cared about someone else before, and I will again, but if I care for you now, what else matters? I'm not perfect, you aren't either, and the two of us will never be perfect... but, if I can make you laugh at least once, hold on to me and give me the most you can! I'm not going to quote poetry, I'm not going to be thinking about you every moment... BUT, I will be giving you a part of me I know you can break. So, don't hurt me, don't change me and don't expect more than what I can give you… Don't analyze me. Smile when I make you happy, yell when I make you mad and miss me when I'm not there... Who knows? I may turn out to be the ONE. But, if not, I may be the one to help you find your ONE."

Peace.