To the fiancé????

In response to post

A girl in my cohort (let's call her Amber) told me about this guy that her friend told her she should date. But the guy was in a relationship. So basically, Amber's friend wanted Amber to "steal" this guy away from this girl because Amber's friends believed that Amber was the better woman for him. I said, "Amber. Fa real?" (the "fa" is purposeful). "Haven't black women gone farther than this? A) Can't no man be stolen that don't want to be and B) With all the forces against black women do we REALLY need to be ANOTHER force working against us within ourselves? LEAVE THE BROAD'S MAN ALONE!" I say all that to say, I am for black women coalitions. We need more of them. Interestingly, in this case I'm not sure how to go about it. I was reading your post while in a class I was sitting in on at USC. As I was sitting there a few emotions/thoughts came over me. First, I put my journal online not to have people "all up in business" (not that I mind it too much since it is out there) or to help people fulfill some voyeuristic tendencies they may have, but there is some psychological relief in putting my thoughts out for all to see. It takes guts and I have to be held accountable in some way. Yet there is something….weird about talking about things that I have written. I was reading your post and I was thinking, "Ehhh", this is awkward. Weird. But mostly "Ehhh," as the bottom part of my mouth stretches to my ears and my eyebrows rise in awkwardness. I then re-read my blog post which I almost never do, (I have realized that I may need to do a bit of proofreading), in order to remember what I wrote and get a sense of what you were responding to. Then I thought, how did she find this? J could have told her about the blog (which I doubt because but possible). He told her my name and she searched for me. She is on facebook, saw the pics from caribana, he told her that he went to caribana with an ex-girlfriend and she decided to check to see who I was then found my blog page address located on my facebook page. Then as I clicked on your name I see that I can't see your blog (because it appears to be private) but you can see mind. Its an interesting dynamic. Under and over self exposure but at what cost and at what benefit.? Also what can be gained from the Amber story is that I am not in the business of trying to tamper in people's relationships. Toronto was a special case which was definitely not in the plans. (He wasn't even supposed to stay with us). I'm not making any special moves to be with him or see him. When my friends and I planned the caribana trip J just happened to be going to Toronto as well. I did want to see him because I hadn't seen him in over a year, and we had been talking for a some months before we met up in Toronto but it was all under the premise of two old friends meeting and catching up on old times.

Then I thought about how to give you what you may possibly be looking for. But I'm not sure what that is. I know you want or am expecting something because you provided your email address. Hmm. (????) Something similar has happened to me. I have met a guy. Talked to him maybe once or twice. Then out of nowhere (seemingly nowhere) a woman would call me (never rude) and ask me who I am and how I knew "her man". This has happened at least three times. I tell them that I barely know them. We met in a bar, club, mixer whatever and that's it. I have spent hours talking to the women. Listening mostly, about how they always knew something wasn't right. Now that they know I posed no threat to them, and I didn't really know "their man" and I definitely didn't know them, they could vent because I was willing to listen. I have nothing to hide. One, because the men didn't mean anything to me and second, black women need to be there for black women. So, I'm back my original dilemma. How do I engage you because we are talking about a man we both care about. How much do I share? What do I say? I can't just be a sounding board for you (or can I?) because I know the man this time. Do I be so honest that it might be hurtful? I'm not sure and I don't think I have the answers so I'm just simply going to say what's on my mind.

First, thank you for your comments and I appreciate you keeping my son and me in your prayers. You seem to be a nice person. I think I am nice but we seem like very different people. Maybe not very… but different.

Second, I went through a range of emotions. In my awkwardness I called J but he didn't answer. I left a message for him to call me back which he did. I couldn't talk when he called me so I told him I would call him. I called him and then he couldn't talk. We haven't talked yet. Now I am angry. Well, angry is a strong word. Not sure of the right word. But I feel like I'm in the middle of something that I really don't want to be a part of. This weird triangle thing.

Well, J told me that he was pretty transparent with you. He told me about the woman he has been sleeping with up there. He said you weren't happy with it but your relationship hasn't changed. This made me think back to his and my conversation about why he won't be in a relationship with me because he knows that isn't something I would stand for. So, if that is something he needs. An open relationship, then you appear to be the best person for him. I'm not interested in competing for J. For a while I have been trying to negotiate my relationship with him and it has gotten more challenging lately. Whether or not I should go to Montreal to see him. Whether or not I should go with him to Haiti. Whether or not I should tell him that I am telling you these things and whether or not I should tell them to you in the first place. How does that change, hinder, accelerate his and my relationship? One thing I do know is that I am definitely not interested in this triangle. I was/am really ok with thinking of you as a distant being. Someone that I need to be aware of but don't really need to or want to know. It becomes messy. Is messy. And it is upsetting to me that J is willingly making this messy.Why invite me to Haiti? He knows I have wanted to go since his dad invited me years ago, but that vacation would have NOT been a plutonic one. I told him no because I know he has a girlfriend. PLUS, he was been messing with some other girl in Montreal. All of this makes me very disappointed in J and somewhat disgusted. The other thing is I don't know how he talks about me to you. My initial feeling is that I (or we) am getting played. It's not a nice feeling. But, I'm not in a relationship with him so what he does elsewhere doesn't bother me. Hmmm, that's not accurate. I should say it doesn't bother the nature of our present relationship because we are only friends. However, if he ever was to come to me about getting in a relationship, I would take a serious pause. I would question my trust in him. But as he says, I appear to expect more (or something different) from him than you may. And what I expect does not encompass outside sexual relationships. (sigh). But that's the light you have been cast in whether that's correct or not.

Still not sure how to respond. I was going to wait until after I talked to J, but that didn't happen. And I think the post would have stayed mostly the same whether I talked to him or not. If anything, it would have also said what he and I discussed over the phone. However, I do want to let you know that I don't want to actively be in the middle on you and J' relationship. Whether I am discussed or not between the two of you is up to you all but I don't want to establish a link between you and I. It's really really really messy. Odd. Awkward. Weird. I'm not sure if I should say I appreciate you responding to the post. I don't object to it. At least not initially. Now there is a name associated with a person that I know existed but I'm not sure if I wanted that information. Really really messy. Odd. Awkward. Well, I hope/know/think/pray everything happens the way it is suppose to happen. Thank you for your comments and I wish you well.

Mel