Metal in the Fire

I’m on a mission. Well, I have been on a mission for the past two years (since I had my son) to discover all parts of myself so that I can be a better self for him and myself. I am discovering a new element of my being. My character. My personality. I started my asking myself why do I feel so uncomfortable about breaking up with Jonathan? But it really isn’t about Jonthan. I’ve had this feeling before. Usually after I’ve decided to change the nature of a relationship, but then I need some comfort. Some intimacy. Not sex. Just comfort. Relaxation. Calmness. Stillness. I feel like I can’t give to myself sometimes. This past quarter (this year!) has been stressful. With a professor that I am not a fan of and Langston being sick most of the quarter thus me having to miss class because the daycare won’t keep him when he is sick just made it a crazy 10+ weeks. I haven’t calmed down from it yet. It’s like a tightness in my guts. A queasiness in my heart. Very uncomfortable. And whenever I have been stressed or wanted comfort I usually had someone (a boyfriend or male friend) who I went to, to make me feel rested or comforted. It didn’t always work. Well most of the time it didn’t work. But for some reason I kept using this technique. This is how my son came about. Being away from home…from everyone, just broke-up a long relationship and I couldn’t calm or relax myself, so I used what was…who was accessible. So then I asked myself why do men play this role in my life? Where does this come from? So I started thinking about the roles men have played in the lives of the women before me.

Let’s start with my grandmother. At 15 she became pregnant with her first of five children from her first boyfriend soon-to-be husband. She lived with her grandmother because her mother wasn’t taking care of her (not sure why) and her father was a rolling stone. Later she was kicked out of high school for being pregnant and her grandmother told her she needed to go find the man that got her pregnant. That man, my grandfather, ended up having multiple relationships with other women resulting in me having outside uncles and aunts. Regardless she stayed with him. Why? Well it was the 1950s and 60s, so to be single with multiple kids was harder than it is now. Plus, he was all she had. He was the bread winner. Her mother was gone. Her grandmother telling her to find her boyfriend. But what is most important is that her father was never around. He wasn’t a permanent part of her life until he needed some where to stay about 30+ or so years later. Also, maybe most important, her husband was having multiple affairs while she working full-time as a cook and taking care of five kids as he left for months to work on the other side of the country. Then, when his many baby mamas came to him and said, “take your kids it’s your turn,” SHE took care of them. SHE took care of her husband’s bad a** kids from his adulterous affairs. Is that not out of control?! How does a woman feel during and after something like that? Is that love or the manifestation of powerlessness and a poor sense of self worth? I always wondered why she didn’t get a divorce, but she doesn’t know anything else. She became a woman at 15. In the 10th grade. By 21 years old she had 5 kids and was basically a single mother. I feel that women learn how to be treated by a man and the role a man is suppose to play in her life from the older men in their lives. Her father was a rolling stone. Thus she married a rolling stone. But everyone won’t marry the same kind of person their father was/is. The woman who is cautious but not introspective will notice the obvious flaws of her father and choose a man who does not have those elements. But her lack of introspection (the ability AND willingness to self evaluate thus able to do the same to others) will prevent her from recognizing the subliminal elements. My mother might be that cautious non-introspective woman. Every issue that I ever remember her ever having , occurred because of a man. She remembers my grandfather hitting my grandmother. Her first love suddenly leaving her to marry another woman. Seems like the best man in her life was my father who seemed to have loved her. But had his own issues. He told her she couldn’t gain weight so she over exercised. I don’t think she could see his insecurities. With a two-year old daughter, them both being in school, financially struggling, his mother recently passing he decided to kill himself. I think there was a lot going on with him that she couldn’t see. Didn’t want to see. It manifested itself in the way he felt she needed to be and his ultimate cause of death. After that, it was my mom and I for a while. When I was in 1st grade she met my brother’s father. They dated for a couple of years and talked about marriage. Once it was time to go to the hospital to have my brother it was me at 8 years old, my aunt who lived with us and my mom. He never showed up. He was virtually absent from then on. My brother is 18 years old and hasn’t seen his father in over 10 years. Many times he said he was coming and never did. AND we he was dealing with my mother he was married (or separated) with multiple other kids. There was something there that was over-looked and not questioned. After my brother’s birth all my mother talked about was how she wished she wasn’t doing this alone. How she wished she had a man to help her. Finally, two years ago she married a guy. My feelings on him is another story, but also found out that he was married after she went to the get their marriage license and couldn’t. For years she has be wanting and wishing for a man who she believed to be the key to her comfort, security, and happiness. Now she is married not much has changed. Why did she leave the possibility of happiness and comfort in someone else’s hands? Why did she rely on someone else to make her feel secure? To make her feel beautiful? To make her feel worthy only to remain at the same bliss-less level she has been most of her life? Why has her life been bliss-less? Because she didn’t take charge of her destiny, her happiness, her comfort and develop joy out of her circumstances. But someone who isn’t introspective won’t ask themselves the tough questions.
Next are my aunts. My mother’s sister has never been married but has had many boyfriends. I know of at least two who have beat her and she always went back to them. I remember when I was young she had me call and ask for a man for her. Probably because she had called so many times she didn’t want to look desperate. Very childish. The man she is with now is married to a sick woman who is blind do to her sickness. BLIND! Not only is he messing with my aunt and married but also has/had another girlfriend. Who my aunt got in a street fight with and ultimately went to jail over. He tells her he is going to get a divorce but hasn’t yet after I don’t know how many years. But that isn’t the core issue. That’s the surface. The real questions are “how has this man treated the women in his life? How is he treating me? Does he treat me the way I want to be treated?” Why can’t she see that he is cheating on his SICK WIFE! On top of that he is cheating on her! My other aunt, my dad’s sister continues to have failed relationships with guys who don’t cherish her. When I went to visit her, Irode with her in the middle of the night to find the guy she was dating. I also watched her conduct her own private investigation looking for names and phone numbers trying to find out more information on him. This is too much for a 50+ year old woman. What she needs to ask is “why am I doing this? What do I hope to gain from this? What is the worst case scenario? If I get the worst case scenario, how or will I alter my interactions with this man? Why am I devoting this much energy to this person and this situation and are they worth it? Are there any similarities in this person that are in any of the people in my past relationships? How have I conducted myself in this relationship? What do these investigative actions say about me? What does it say about how I view myself, men, and our supposed interactions?”

It seems as if none of them asked “why do I feel this way? What am I ignoring? What was I suppose to learn from the last relationship? What do I carry over into this one? What about me hindered/hinders the development of this past/present relationship? Is that element present in this one? What isn’t he giving me? What is it that I need from him?”
These are just some of the women in my family but these are the women I have had the most contact with. It looks like this started with my great grandfather. Maybe be even before him. My great grandfather did not treat the women in his life well. My grandmother internalized that behavior and believed that is how she (women) are suppose to be or destined to be treated. She ultimately married a man that emulated her father regardless of how she may not have appreciated how her father treated her or her mother. Her children were given a role model. Her three sons have multiple children from multiple women and never married .Her daughters are unfilled depending on men to give them happiness. No I ask myself , “What have they said to me without words? How have their actions taught me? What have I internalized?” My mother is a hopeless romantic escapist who feels it’s too hard to face reality. I think many people…most people are escapist. It’s hard to face what is wrong within us. It is extremely uncomfortable to not only to recognize your faults but purposefully seek out your faults. I will face reality and ask the hard questions. Where we are a like it that I am a romantic. And probably always will be. I do find myself seeking whatever that euphoric feeling is and I think that is where my problem lies. I am placing the possibility of getting that feeling in someone else’s hands. I think that is consistent among all the women in my family. They are looking for something that they have never seen and only imagined. They don’t know where it comes from or who has it. This search has left them empty and unfulfilled. I think that is how people lose themselves in other people. Not being able to sleep at night, calling the person all the time, feeling lost or empty when that person isn’t around isn’t healthy. That’s not love. They are trying to fill a void. I think I have been searching for security and a level of happiness in the men in my life. It isn’t healthy. But I grew up being taught that men had the key. My older cousin asks me every time she sees me, “you have a boyfriend?” Why does it matter so much? She is divorced and wishing to be married again. Not fulfilled or gain a better sense of self or discover joy on her own but just to be married. Because that is the key to everything that is joyful. Really? This is a detrimental mentality. I want to be married but I want to be a whole person first. My constant prayer is that I become the woman, mother, daughter, sister, cousin and Christian that I am suppose to be. And I know that in order for metal to be shaped it must be placed in the fire. There has been a lot of fire and I am feeling the pain and discomfort of being twisted into a new form but I know it is all for a good reason. I know it is all for the betterment of me. I feel it’s more important to experience that discomfort and become a better person instead of repeating mistakes. I will charge of my destiny, my happiness, my comfort and develop joy out of my circumstances. It takes time. But recognition is the first step.