One day back home in Florida I was taking my son to get a haircut and I saw a van parked in the barbershop’s parking lot plastered with the pictures of what I guessed to be a music artist. That wasn’t a big deal because I have seen vehicles like this before. What took me aback was that the name of the artist was Big Koon!!! I was floored. Koon? Really? White people are laughing right now. First it was nigger now we are adopting Koon? I looked him up on MySpace and sent him a message and referenced a time in the Civil Rights movement when Martin Luther King went to the White House and the American Nazis had signs that said “Kill Martin Luther Koon” written on the front. I urged him to reconsider his name and think about how this affects Blacks and hip-hop. Below is what he had to say. After that is my retort:
BIG KOON:
First of all, I am one who believes that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and at the same time I don't let other peoples' opinions of me dictate how I feel, what I do, or what i choose to be called. Lets face it we both know what opinions are like. But i do feel the need to address your opinion of me, as i see you have formed one without knowing anything about me, and you probably have never even taken the time to listen to the music. I am a young black father of 2 soon to be strong world changing young black men. I am the son of a strong black woman, and we come from a strong black family. Lillian Bryant, who has a park named after her outside of Happiness Homes, is my auntie...and she was a pillar in the Ocala community for many years. So contrary to what you may believe, I have a strong sense of family values, morals, and a true love and passion for the history, struggles and goals of our people. I am no angel and have never claimed to be perfect. I am guilty of "doing what I had to do" to provide for my family and myself...but at the same time I understand the need for change. So yes, I do consider myslef part of the problem as I'm sure you do as well, but i also see myself and other black males like me as a big part of the solution. Because it is one thing to talk about change, and express all the negative things wrong in the community, and another to actually take action leading by example and tongue, and see the positive potential in ourselves. Afterall, who would be better to reach young disenfranchised black males than older experienced, black men who have been down the same roads, and can not only understand where they're coming from, but can also lead them in the directions they need to go. Those are my intentions through music and song, and i do plan on implementing more positive communtiy activities for young people as soon I am given the means by God. Because in order to change the community the young people must change and adopt a stronger sense of pride and self worth. As far as the name Big Koon, i never thought people would see it as a negative label and read into it so deeply like I sent us back 100 years with a nickname. My Uncle Willard Brown's nickname was Coon, and everybody in my family felt we look and act alike so I was given the name as well. I am proud to have the same name and character as one of strong male patriarchs of our family. With all the wrong being done to our young black people from the Jena 6 to, God bless the dead, Martin Anderson, surely the last thing holdin us down and back is the nickname Big Koon. Besides I'm sure you have an Ace Boon Koon somewhere out there, and if not feel free to call me your Ace Boon Big Koon.
ME:
A few things and a few questions:
Interesting that you mention disenfranchisement because the reason Martin Luther King Jr. went to the White House was regarding the disenfranchisement of Black voters in the South. Since you mention that then I will assume you understand the systemic issues involving current legislation, felonies, voting and black men. With the voice you have in the community (what ever size it maybe), how are you informing men about disenfranchisement? Are your songs focused on delayed gratification? And not about continuing black people’s current statistic… Black people spend 60% of our income of depreciating items. Meaning we spend more money on things that don’t make us money it just makes us look like we have money. So are your songs talking about candy paint, money, and diamonds (which in reality are pretty worthless, not rare, and the practice of harvesting them are killing Africans, the movie Blood Diamond and Kayne West video on the subject are some nice visual references).
“I don't let other peoples' opinions of me dictate … what i choose to be called.”
Of course you do, that’s the reason you have your stage name. Somebody else thought you looked and acted like your uncle. You didn’t come up with you name by yourself.
You said that you “have a strong …passion for the history, struggles and goals of our people” but if you really did you would know where that name originally came from. You would also know that black people are notorious for self-degradation. We live in a Eurocentric society that tells us that we (black) people are less than equal. It may have been your uncle’s nickname but that doesn’t make it any less horrible. It is the word coon (or Koon) that has relegated black males into a position of ignorance in music and movies (see links below for examples). It was a type cast that personified childishness among other things. The very opposite of what you say you stand for. Historian Donald Bogle in his book “Toms, Coons, Mulattoes, Mammies, & Bucks: An Interpretive History of Blacks in American Films” says “Before its death, the coon developed into the most blatantly degrading of all black stereotypes. The pure coons emerged as no-account niggers, those unreliable, crazy, lazy, subhuman creatures good for nothing more than eating watermelons, stealing chickens, shooting crap, or butchering the English language.” You say, “As far as the name Big Koon, I never thought people would see it as a negative label and read into it so deeply like I sent us back 100 years with a nickname.” Actually you are setting us back 100 year and even more so because it was over 100 year ago when white men called black men Big Koons. The coon caricature was born during American slavery. Slave masters and overseers often described slaves as "slow," "lazy," "wants pushing," "an eye servant," and "trifling" (see ferris.edu link). Also how can you say you never thought people would see it as a negative label? If you knew the history, our history, you would have known that wasn’t a good choice for a name. I think it is great that you are named after a good man in your family. But when people see the name Big Koon on the side of a van on a billboard or hear it coming out of someone’s mouth do you think they heard all that you say your uncle stood for?
Again with history, SNCC and the Black Panther Party (BPP) used the phrase “Black Power” talking about the empowerment of Black people. But it was many white people who didn’t understand what that meant and many didn’t care. Since it was so close to the phrase “white power” which is what the KKK the Arian Nation etc stated as they hung black men from trees, other white people thought SNCC and BPP were trying to get black people to start killing white people. You don’t get much of a chance to explain what your name means. It turns people who know their history off and it reminds white people that we are still in a place of ignorance.
Do you know your hip-hop history? For example do you know what Tupac Shakur’s name means? He was named after an Incan revolutionary. He mother was a member of the Black Panther Party…true revolutionaries. That is why he spoke on issues like police brutality, teen pregnancy etc. He knew is history. The very mention of a name like that will tell anyone who knows Central American history that this man is about something and knows something. What is you name saying to people? Especially people who don’t get to hear your music or hear your explanation but just hear your name?
You said, “I am a young black father of 2 soon to be strong world changing young black men. “ Why do you say soon to be world changing black man? You can make change right were you are. You are on the internet you have been on stage, don’t you have a CD? What are you doing with the notoriety you have right now? What are you doing to help the failing educational school system in our hometown of Ocala that your children are or soon will be apart of? Have you told your audiences about voting in the primaries and for local government? I don’t know where you live but my grandparents stay by Madison Street School. Did you know over there, in the black neighborhood, black people are paying more for electricity because the city won’t update the wiring but they did so in the white community? Why wont they, because many black people are too complacent. To busy worrying about rims on their car and new outfits.
You said, “I understand the need for change.” Then what are you doing to implement change?
You said, “… I do consider myself part of the problem as I'm sure you do as well, but i also see myself and other black males like me as a big part of the solution.” First you can't be a part of the problem and the solution. Then you aren't making any progress and you are just fighting yourself and going no where, I don’t consider myself the problem by any means please only speak for yourself. For example, I don’t purchase rap but I do buy hip-hop. Yes there is a difference. I listen to people who are talking about something. People aren’t talking about how much money they have or want to have all the time. I listen to people who are acknowledging the discrepancies in our legal, school systems, issues over seas and other things. For example, maybe you can check out, Lupe Fiasco and Dead Presidents (Dead Prez). Some main stream artists are Talib , Mos Def, some stuff from Andre 3000, Kanye West, and Common.
“Because it is one thing to talk about change, and express all the negative things wrong in the community, and another to actually take action leading by example ... and see the positive potential in ourselves.”
Well then how are you leading Ocala, leading your family, and representing black men? Did you know Marion County has one of the highest HIV rates? What are saying about that? What about the many single mothers and fathers not taking care of their children? How are you encouraging them to be better men? How are you empowering black women as you implied black women in your family have empowered you?
“After all, who would be better to reach young disenfranchised black males than older experienced, black men who have been down the same roads, and can not only understand where they're coming from, but can also lead them in the directions they need to go.”
What are you saying to them that is uplifting them and not just reminding them of where they are or that you have been where they have been?
“Those are my intentions through music and song, and i do plan on implementing more positive community activities for young people as soon I am given the means by God.”
You have means. Just do it. If you know your history. You would know a lot of the change came from grassroots organizations and local people. Poor people with little to no money making a difference. You don’t need money you just need to give you time and your voice.
“Because in order to change the community the young people must change and adopt a stronger sense of pride and self worth.”
Again, how are doing that?
“With all the wrong being done to our young black people from the Jena 6 to, God bless the dead, Martin Anderson, surely the last thing holding us down and back is the nickname Big Koon. “ If you knew your history, you would know its things like nicknames that continue to put black people in a terrible position in relation to the rest of the world.
It’s just so unfortunate that black men who have the capability to do better don’t. You are supposed to lead, but its women who have to continually step to the plate. Its so unfortunate that ever time someone sees your van, your posters, your CD’s , your name they don’t think of the man you say you are named after they see ignorance and another black man who doesn’t even know he's ignorance. I hope you get an awakening soon.
For more information on the history of Coon, the meaning of other artists names, hip-hop and other things you can try the links below:
http://www.zulunation.com/hip_hop_history_2.htm
http://www.bgsu.edu/departments/acs/1890s/ragmusic/music.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tupac_Shakur#Early_life
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talib_Kweli
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_prez
http://www.ferris.edu/jimcrow/coon/
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=coon
http://parlorsongs.com/insearch/coonsongs/coonsongs.asp
Monday, December 17, 2007
Metal in the Fire
I’m on a mission. Well, I have been on a mission for the past two years (since I had my son) to discover all parts of myself so that I can be a better self for him and myself. I am discovering a new element of my being. My character. My personality. I started my asking myself why do I feel so uncomfortable about breaking up with Jonathan? But it really isn’t about Jonthan. I’ve had this feeling before. Usually after I’ve decided to change the nature of a relationship, but then I need some comfort. Some intimacy. Not sex. Just comfort. Relaxation. Calmness. Stillness. I feel like I can’t give to myself sometimes. This past quarter (this year!) has been stressful. With a professor that I am not a fan of and Langston being sick most of the quarter thus me having to miss class because the daycare won’t keep him when he is sick just made it a crazy 10+ weeks. I haven’t calmed down from it yet. It’s like a tightness in my guts. A queasiness in my heart. Very uncomfortable. And whenever I have been stressed or wanted comfort I usually had someone (a boyfriend or male friend) who I went to, to make me feel rested or comforted. It didn’t always work. Well most of the time it didn’t work. But for some reason I kept using this technique. This is how my son came about. Being away from home…from everyone, just broke-up a long relationship and I couldn’t calm or relax myself, so I used what was…who was accessible. So then I asked myself why do men play this role in my life? Where does this come from? So I started thinking about the roles men have played in the lives of the women before me.
Let’s start with my grandmother. At 15 she became pregnant with her first of five children from her first boyfriend soon-to-be husband. She lived with her grandmother because her mother wasn’t taking care of her (not sure why) and her father was a rolling stone. Later she was kicked out of high school for being pregnant and her grandmother told her she needed to go find the man that got her pregnant. That man, my grandfather, ended up having multiple relationships with other women resulting in me having outside uncles and aunts. Regardless she stayed with him. Why? Well it was the 1950s and 60s, so to be single with multiple kids was harder than it is now. Plus, he was all she had. He was the bread winner. Her mother was gone. Her grandmother telling her to find her boyfriend. But what is most important is that her father was never around. He wasn’t a permanent part of her life until he needed some where to stay about 30+ or so years later. Also, maybe most important, her husband was having multiple affairs while she working full-time as a cook and taking care of five kids as he left for months to work on the other side of the country. Then, when his many baby mamas came to him and said, “take your kids it’s your turn,” SHE took care of them. SHE took care of her husband’s bad a** kids from his adulterous affairs. Is that not out of control?! How does a woman feel during and after something like that? Is that love or the manifestation of powerlessness and a poor sense of self worth? I always wondered why she didn’t get a divorce, but she doesn’t know anything else. She became a woman at 15. In the 10th grade. By 21 years old she had 5 kids and was basically a single mother. I feel that women learn how to be treated by a man and the role a man is suppose to play in her life from the older men in their lives. Her father was a rolling stone. Thus she married a rolling stone. But everyone won’t marry the same kind of person their father was/is. The woman who is cautious but not introspective will notice the obvious flaws of her father and choose a man who does not have those elements. But her lack of introspection (the ability AND willingness to self evaluate thus able to do the same to others) will prevent her from recognizing the subliminal elements. My mother might be that cautious non-introspective woman. Every issue that I ever remember her ever having , occurred because of a man. She remembers my grandfather hitting my grandmother. Her first love suddenly leaving her to marry another woman. Seems like the best man in her life was my father who seemed to have loved her. But had his own issues. He told her she couldn’t gain weight so she over exercised. I don’t think she could see his insecurities. With a two-year old daughter, them both being in school, financially struggling, his mother recently passing he decided to kill himself. I think there was a lot going on with him that she couldn’t see. Didn’t want to see. It manifested itself in the way he felt she needed to be and his ultimate cause of death. After that, it was my mom and I for a while. When I was in 1st grade she met my brother’s father. They dated for a couple of years and talked about marriage. Once it was time to go to the hospital to have my brother it was me at 8 years old, my aunt who lived with us and my mom. He never showed up. He was virtually absent from then on. My brother is 18 years old and hasn’t seen his father in over 10 years. Many times he said he was coming and never did. AND we he was dealing with my mother he was married (or separated) with multiple other kids. There was something there that was over-looked and not questioned. After my brother’s birth all my mother talked about was how she wished she wasn’t doing this alone. How she wished she had a man to help her. Finally, two years ago she married a guy. My feelings on him is another story, but also found out that he was married after she went to the get their marriage license and couldn’t. For years she has be wanting and wishing for a man who she believed to be the key to her comfort, security, and happiness. Now she is married not much has changed. Why did she leave the possibility of happiness and comfort in someone else’s hands? Why did she rely on someone else to make her feel secure? To make her feel beautiful? To make her feel worthy only to remain at the same bliss-less level she has been most of her life? Why has her life been bliss-less? Because she didn’t take charge of her destiny, her happiness, her comfort and develop joy out of her circumstances. But someone who isn’t introspective won’t ask themselves the tough questions.
Next are my aunts. My mother’s sister has never been married but has had many boyfriends. I know of at least two who have beat her and she always went back to them. I remember when I was young she had me call and ask for a man for her. Probably because she had called so many times she didn’t want to look desperate. Very childish. The man she is with now is married to a sick woman who is blind do to her sickness. BLIND! Not only is he messing with my aunt and married but also has/had another girlfriend. Who my aunt got in a street fight with and ultimately went to jail over. He tells her he is going to get a divorce but hasn’t yet after I don’t know how many years. But that isn’t the core issue. That’s the surface. The real questions are “how has this man treated the women in his life? How is he treating me? Does he treat me the way I want to be treated?” Why can’t she see that he is cheating on his SICK WIFE! On top of that he is cheating on her! My other aunt, my dad’s sister continues to have failed relationships with guys who don’t cherish her. When I went to visit her, Irode with her in the middle of the night to find the guy she was dating. I also watched her conduct her own private investigation looking for names and phone numbers trying to find out more information on him. This is too much for a 50+ year old woman. What she needs to ask is “why am I doing this? What do I hope to gain from this? What is the worst case scenario? If I get the worst case scenario, how or will I alter my interactions with this man? Why am I devoting this much energy to this person and this situation and are they worth it? Are there any similarities in this person that are in any of the people in my past relationships? How have I conducted myself in this relationship? What do these investigative actions say about me? What does it say about how I view myself, men, and our supposed interactions?”
It seems as if none of them asked “why do I feel this way? What am I ignoring? What was I suppose to learn from the last relationship? What do I carry over into this one? What about me hindered/hinders the development of this past/present relationship? Is that element present in this one? What isn’t he giving me? What is it that I need from him?”
These are just some of the women in my family but these are the women I have had the most contact with. It looks like this started with my great grandfather. Maybe be even before him. My great grandfather did not treat the women in his life well. My grandmother internalized that behavior and believed that is how she (women) are suppose to be or destined to be treated. She ultimately married a man that emulated her father regardless of how she may not have appreciated how her father treated her or her mother. Her children were given a role model. Her three sons have multiple children from multiple women and never married .Her daughters are unfilled depending on men to give them happiness. No I ask myself , “What have they said to me without words? How have their actions taught me? What have I internalized?” My mother is a hopeless romantic escapist who feels it’s too hard to face reality. I think many people…most people are escapist. It’s hard to face what is wrong within us. It is extremely uncomfortable to not only to recognize your faults but purposefully seek out your faults. I will face reality and ask the hard questions. Where we are a like it that I am a romantic. And probably always will be. I do find myself seeking whatever that euphoric feeling is and I think that is where my problem lies. I am placing the possibility of getting that feeling in someone else’s hands. I think that is consistent among all the women in my family. They are looking for something that they have never seen and only imagined. They don’t know where it comes from or who has it. This search has left them empty and unfulfilled. I think that is how people lose themselves in other people. Not being able to sleep at night, calling the person all the time, feeling lost or empty when that person isn’t around isn’t healthy. That’s not love. They are trying to fill a void. I think I have been searching for security and a level of happiness in the men in my life. It isn’t healthy. But I grew up being taught that men had the key. My older cousin asks me every time she sees me, “you have a boyfriend?” Why does it matter so much? She is divorced and wishing to be married again. Not fulfilled or gain a better sense of self or discover joy on her own but just to be married. Because that is the key to everything that is joyful. Really? This is a detrimental mentality. I want to be married but I want to be a whole person first. My constant prayer is that I become the woman, mother, daughter, sister, cousin and Christian that I am suppose to be. And I know that in order for metal to be shaped it must be placed in the fire. There has been a lot of fire and I am feeling the pain and discomfort of being twisted into a new form but I know it is all for a good reason. I know it is all for the betterment of me. I feel it’s more important to experience that discomfort and become a better person instead of repeating mistakes. I will charge of my destiny, my happiness, my comfort and develop joy out of my circumstances. It takes time. But recognition is the first step.
Let’s start with my grandmother. At 15 she became pregnant with her first of five children from her first boyfriend soon-to-be husband. She lived with her grandmother because her mother wasn’t taking care of her (not sure why) and her father was a rolling stone. Later she was kicked out of high school for being pregnant and her grandmother told her she needed to go find the man that got her pregnant. That man, my grandfather, ended up having multiple relationships with other women resulting in me having outside uncles and aunts. Regardless she stayed with him. Why? Well it was the 1950s and 60s, so to be single with multiple kids was harder than it is now. Plus, he was all she had. He was the bread winner. Her mother was gone. Her grandmother telling her to find her boyfriend. But what is most important is that her father was never around. He wasn’t a permanent part of her life until he needed some where to stay about 30+ or so years later. Also, maybe most important, her husband was having multiple affairs while she working full-time as a cook and taking care of five kids as he left for months to work on the other side of the country. Then, when his many baby mamas came to him and said, “take your kids it’s your turn,” SHE took care of them. SHE took care of her husband’s bad a** kids from his adulterous affairs. Is that not out of control?! How does a woman feel during and after something like that? Is that love or the manifestation of powerlessness and a poor sense of self worth? I always wondered why she didn’t get a divorce, but she doesn’t know anything else. She became a woman at 15. In the 10th grade. By 21 years old she had 5 kids and was basically a single mother. I feel that women learn how to be treated by a man and the role a man is suppose to play in her life from the older men in their lives. Her father was a rolling stone. Thus she married a rolling stone. But everyone won’t marry the same kind of person their father was/is. The woman who is cautious but not introspective will notice the obvious flaws of her father and choose a man who does not have those elements. But her lack of introspection (the ability AND willingness to self evaluate thus able to do the same to others) will prevent her from recognizing the subliminal elements. My mother might be that cautious non-introspective woman. Every issue that I ever remember her ever having , occurred because of a man. She remembers my grandfather hitting my grandmother. Her first love suddenly leaving her to marry another woman. Seems like the best man in her life was my father who seemed to have loved her. But had his own issues. He told her she couldn’t gain weight so she over exercised. I don’t think she could see his insecurities. With a two-year old daughter, them both being in school, financially struggling, his mother recently passing he decided to kill himself. I think there was a lot going on with him that she couldn’t see. Didn’t want to see. It manifested itself in the way he felt she needed to be and his ultimate cause of death. After that, it was my mom and I for a while. When I was in 1st grade she met my brother’s father. They dated for a couple of years and talked about marriage. Once it was time to go to the hospital to have my brother it was me at 8 years old, my aunt who lived with us and my mom. He never showed up. He was virtually absent from then on. My brother is 18 years old and hasn’t seen his father in over 10 years. Many times he said he was coming and never did. AND we he was dealing with my mother he was married (or separated) with multiple other kids. There was something there that was over-looked and not questioned. After my brother’s birth all my mother talked about was how she wished she wasn’t doing this alone. How she wished she had a man to help her. Finally, two years ago she married a guy. My feelings on him is another story, but also found out that he was married after she went to the get their marriage license and couldn’t. For years she has be wanting and wishing for a man who she believed to be the key to her comfort, security, and happiness. Now she is married not much has changed. Why did she leave the possibility of happiness and comfort in someone else’s hands? Why did she rely on someone else to make her feel secure? To make her feel beautiful? To make her feel worthy only to remain at the same bliss-less level she has been most of her life? Why has her life been bliss-less? Because she didn’t take charge of her destiny, her happiness, her comfort and develop joy out of her circumstances. But someone who isn’t introspective won’t ask themselves the tough questions.
Next are my aunts. My mother’s sister has never been married but has had many boyfriends. I know of at least two who have beat her and she always went back to them. I remember when I was young she had me call and ask for a man for her. Probably because she had called so many times she didn’t want to look desperate. Very childish. The man she is with now is married to a sick woman who is blind do to her sickness. BLIND! Not only is he messing with my aunt and married but also has/had another girlfriend. Who my aunt got in a street fight with and ultimately went to jail over. He tells her he is going to get a divorce but hasn’t yet after I don’t know how many years. But that isn’t the core issue. That’s the surface. The real questions are “how has this man treated the women in his life? How is he treating me? Does he treat me the way I want to be treated?” Why can’t she see that he is cheating on his SICK WIFE! On top of that he is cheating on her! My other aunt, my dad’s sister continues to have failed relationships with guys who don’t cherish her. When I went to visit her, Irode with her in the middle of the night to find the guy she was dating. I also watched her conduct her own private investigation looking for names and phone numbers trying to find out more information on him. This is too much for a 50+ year old woman. What she needs to ask is “why am I doing this? What do I hope to gain from this? What is the worst case scenario? If I get the worst case scenario, how or will I alter my interactions with this man? Why am I devoting this much energy to this person and this situation and are they worth it? Are there any similarities in this person that are in any of the people in my past relationships? How have I conducted myself in this relationship? What do these investigative actions say about me? What does it say about how I view myself, men, and our supposed interactions?”
It seems as if none of them asked “why do I feel this way? What am I ignoring? What was I suppose to learn from the last relationship? What do I carry over into this one? What about me hindered/hinders the development of this past/present relationship? Is that element present in this one? What isn’t he giving me? What is it that I need from him?”
These are just some of the women in my family but these are the women I have had the most contact with. It looks like this started with my great grandfather. Maybe be even before him. My great grandfather did not treat the women in his life well. My grandmother internalized that behavior and believed that is how she (women) are suppose to be or destined to be treated. She ultimately married a man that emulated her father regardless of how she may not have appreciated how her father treated her or her mother. Her children were given a role model. Her three sons have multiple children from multiple women and never married .Her daughters are unfilled depending on men to give them happiness. No I ask myself , “What have they said to me without words? How have their actions taught me? What have I internalized?” My mother is a hopeless romantic escapist who feels it’s too hard to face reality. I think many people…most people are escapist. It’s hard to face what is wrong within us. It is extremely uncomfortable to not only to recognize your faults but purposefully seek out your faults. I will face reality and ask the hard questions. Where we are a like it that I am a romantic. And probably always will be. I do find myself seeking whatever that euphoric feeling is and I think that is where my problem lies. I am placing the possibility of getting that feeling in someone else’s hands. I think that is consistent among all the women in my family. They are looking for something that they have never seen and only imagined. They don’t know where it comes from or who has it. This search has left them empty and unfulfilled. I think that is how people lose themselves in other people. Not being able to sleep at night, calling the person all the time, feeling lost or empty when that person isn’t around isn’t healthy. That’s not love. They are trying to fill a void. I think I have been searching for security and a level of happiness in the men in my life. It isn’t healthy. But I grew up being taught that men had the key. My older cousin asks me every time she sees me, “you have a boyfriend?” Why does it matter so much? She is divorced and wishing to be married again. Not fulfilled or gain a better sense of self or discover joy on her own but just to be married. Because that is the key to everything that is joyful. Really? This is a detrimental mentality. I want to be married but I want to be a whole person first. My constant prayer is that I become the woman, mother, daughter, sister, cousin and Christian that I am suppose to be. And I know that in order for metal to be shaped it must be placed in the fire. There has been a lot of fire and I am feeling the pain and discomfort of being twisted into a new form but I know it is all for a good reason. I know it is all for the betterment of me. I feel it’s more important to experience that discomfort and become a better person instead of repeating mistakes. I will charge of my destiny, my happiness, my comfort and develop joy out of my circumstances. It takes time. But recognition is the first step.
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