One day back home in Florida I was taking my son to get a haircut and I saw a van parked in the barbershop’s parking lot plastered with the pictures of what I guessed to be a music artist. That wasn’t a big deal because I have seen vehicles like this before. What took me aback was that the name of the artist was Big Koon!!! I was floored. Koon? Really? White people are laughing right now. First it was nigger now we are adopting Koon? I looked him up on MySpace and sent him a message and referenced a time in the Civil Rights movement when Martin Luther King went to the White House and the American Nazis had signs that said “Kill Martin Luther Koon” written on the front. I urged him to reconsider his name and think about how this affects Blacks and hip-hop. Below is what he had to say. After that is my retort:
BIG KOON:
First of all, I am one who believes that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and at the same time I don't let other peoples' opinions of me dictate how I feel, what I do, or what i choose to be called. Lets face it we both know what opinions are like. But i do feel the need to address your opinion of me, as i see you have formed one without knowing anything about me, and you probably have never even taken the time to listen to the music. I am a young black father of 2 soon to be strong world changing young black men. I am the son of a strong black woman, and we come from a strong black family. Lillian Bryant, who has a park named after her outside of Happiness Homes, is my auntie...and she was a pillar in the Ocala community for many years. So contrary to what you may believe, I have a strong sense of family values, morals, and a true love and passion for the history, struggles and goals of our people. I am no angel and have never claimed to be perfect. I am guilty of "doing what I had to do" to provide for my family and myself...but at the same time I understand the need for change. So yes, I do consider myslef part of the problem as I'm sure you do as well, but i also see myself and other black males like me as a big part of the solution. Because it is one thing to talk about change, and express all the negative things wrong in the community, and another to actually take action leading by example and tongue, and see the positive potential in ourselves. Afterall, who would be better to reach young disenfranchised black males than older experienced, black men who have been down the same roads, and can not only understand where they're coming from, but can also lead them in the directions they need to go. Those are my intentions through music and song, and i do plan on implementing more positive communtiy activities for young people as soon I am given the means by God. Because in order to change the community the young people must change and adopt a stronger sense of pride and self worth. As far as the name Big Koon, i never thought people would see it as a negative label and read into it so deeply like I sent us back 100 years with a nickname. My Uncle Willard Brown's nickname was Coon, and everybody in my family felt we look and act alike so I was given the name as well. I am proud to have the same name and character as one of strong male patriarchs of our family. With all the wrong being done to our young black people from the Jena 6 to, God bless the dead, Martin Anderson, surely the last thing holdin us down and back is the nickname Big Koon. Besides I'm sure you have an Ace Boon Koon somewhere out there, and if not feel free to call me your Ace Boon Big Koon.
ME:
A few things and a few questions:
Interesting that you mention disenfranchisement because the reason Martin Luther King Jr. went to the White House was regarding the disenfranchisement of Black voters in the South. Since you mention that then I will assume you understand the systemic issues involving current legislation, felonies, voting and black men. With the voice you have in the community (what ever size it maybe), how are you informing men about disenfranchisement? Are your songs focused on delayed gratification? And not about continuing black people’s current statistic… Black people spend 60% of our income of depreciating items. Meaning we spend more money on things that don’t make us money it just makes us look like we have money. So are your songs talking about candy paint, money, and diamonds (which in reality are pretty worthless, not rare, and the practice of harvesting them are killing Africans, the movie Blood Diamond and Kayne West video on the subject are some nice visual references).
“I don't let other peoples' opinions of me dictate … what i choose to be called.”
Of course you do, that’s the reason you have your stage name. Somebody else thought you looked and acted like your uncle. You didn’t come up with you name by yourself.
You said that you “have a strong …passion for the history, struggles and goals of our people” but if you really did you would know where that name originally came from. You would also know that black people are notorious for self-degradation. We live in a Eurocentric society that tells us that we (black) people are less than equal. It may have been your uncle’s nickname but that doesn’t make it any less horrible. It is the word coon (or Koon) that has relegated black males into a position of ignorance in music and movies (see links below for examples). It was a type cast that personified childishness among other things. The very opposite of what you say you stand for. Historian Donald Bogle in his book “Toms, Coons, Mulattoes, Mammies, & Bucks: An Interpretive History of Blacks in American Films” says “Before its death, the coon developed into the most blatantly degrading of all black stereotypes. The pure coons emerged as no-account niggers, those unreliable, crazy, lazy, subhuman creatures good for nothing more than eating watermelons, stealing chickens, shooting crap, or butchering the English language.” You say, “As far as the name Big Koon, I never thought people would see it as a negative label and read into it so deeply like I sent us back 100 years with a nickname.” Actually you are setting us back 100 year and even more so because it was over 100 year ago when white men called black men Big Koons. The coon caricature was born during American slavery. Slave masters and overseers often described slaves as "slow," "lazy," "wants pushing," "an eye servant," and "trifling" (see ferris.edu link). Also how can you say you never thought people would see it as a negative label? If you knew the history, our history, you would have known that wasn’t a good choice for a name. I think it is great that you are named after a good man in your family. But when people see the name Big Koon on the side of a van on a billboard or hear it coming out of someone’s mouth do you think they heard all that you say your uncle stood for?
Again with history, SNCC and the Black Panther Party (BPP) used the phrase “Black Power” talking about the empowerment of Black people. But it was many white people who didn’t understand what that meant and many didn’t care. Since it was so close to the phrase “white power” which is what the KKK the Arian Nation etc stated as they hung black men from trees, other white people thought SNCC and BPP were trying to get black people to start killing white people. You don’t get much of a chance to explain what your name means. It turns people who know their history off and it reminds white people that we are still in a place of ignorance.
Do you know your hip-hop history? For example do you know what Tupac Shakur’s name means? He was named after an Incan revolutionary. He mother was a member of the Black Panther Party…true revolutionaries. That is why he spoke on issues like police brutality, teen pregnancy etc. He knew is history. The very mention of a name like that will tell anyone who knows Central American history that this man is about something and knows something. What is you name saying to people? Especially people who don’t get to hear your music or hear your explanation but just hear your name?
You said, “I am a young black father of 2 soon to be strong world changing young black men. “ Why do you say soon to be world changing black man? You can make change right were you are. You are on the internet you have been on stage, don’t you have a CD? What are you doing with the notoriety you have right now? What are you doing to help the failing educational school system in our hometown of Ocala that your children are or soon will be apart of? Have you told your audiences about voting in the primaries and for local government? I don’t know where you live but my grandparents stay by Madison Street School. Did you know over there, in the black neighborhood, black people are paying more for electricity because the city won’t update the wiring but they did so in the white community? Why wont they, because many black people are too complacent. To busy worrying about rims on their car and new outfits.
You said, “I understand the need for change.” Then what are you doing to implement change?
You said, “… I do consider myself part of the problem as I'm sure you do as well, but i also see myself and other black males like me as a big part of the solution.” First you can't be a part of the problem and the solution. Then you aren't making any progress and you are just fighting yourself and going no where, I don’t consider myself the problem by any means please only speak for yourself. For example, I don’t purchase rap but I do buy hip-hop. Yes there is a difference. I listen to people who are talking about something. People aren’t talking about how much money they have or want to have all the time. I listen to people who are acknowledging the discrepancies in our legal, school systems, issues over seas and other things. For example, maybe you can check out, Lupe Fiasco and Dead Presidents (Dead Prez). Some main stream artists are Talib , Mos Def, some stuff from Andre 3000, Kanye West, and Common.
“Because it is one thing to talk about change, and express all the negative things wrong in the community, and another to actually take action leading by example ... and see the positive potential in ourselves.”
Well then how are you leading Ocala, leading your family, and representing black men? Did you know Marion County has one of the highest HIV rates? What are saying about that? What about the many single mothers and fathers not taking care of their children? How are you encouraging them to be better men? How are you empowering black women as you implied black women in your family have empowered you?
“After all, who would be better to reach young disenfranchised black males than older experienced, black men who have been down the same roads, and can not only understand where they're coming from, but can also lead them in the directions they need to go.”
What are you saying to them that is uplifting them and not just reminding them of where they are or that you have been where they have been?
“Those are my intentions through music and song, and i do plan on implementing more positive community activities for young people as soon I am given the means by God.”
You have means. Just do it. If you know your history. You would know a lot of the change came from grassroots organizations and local people. Poor people with little to no money making a difference. You don’t need money you just need to give you time and your voice.
“Because in order to change the community the young people must change and adopt a stronger sense of pride and self worth.”
Again, how are doing that?
“With all the wrong being done to our young black people from the Jena 6 to, God bless the dead, Martin Anderson, surely the last thing holding us down and back is the nickname Big Koon. “ If you knew your history, you would know its things like nicknames that continue to put black people in a terrible position in relation to the rest of the world.
It’s just so unfortunate that black men who have the capability to do better don’t. You are supposed to lead, but its women who have to continually step to the plate. Its so unfortunate that ever time someone sees your van, your posters, your CD’s , your name they don’t think of the man you say you are named after they see ignorance and another black man who doesn’t even know he's ignorance. I hope you get an awakening soon.
For more information on the history of Coon, the meaning of other artists names, hip-hop and other things you can try the links below:
http://www.zulunation.com/hip_hop_history_2.htm
http://www.bgsu.edu/departments/acs/1890s/ragmusic/music.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tupac_Shakur#Early_life
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talib_Kweli
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_prez
http://www.ferris.edu/jimcrow/coon/
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=coon
http://parlorsongs.com/insearch/coonsongs/coonsongs.asp
Monday, December 17, 2007
Metal in the Fire
I’m on a mission. Well, I have been on a mission for the past two years (since I had my son) to discover all parts of myself so that I can be a better self for him and myself. I am discovering a new element of my being. My character. My personality. I started my asking myself why do I feel so uncomfortable about breaking up with Jonathan? But it really isn’t about Jonthan. I’ve had this feeling before. Usually after I’ve decided to change the nature of a relationship, but then I need some comfort. Some intimacy. Not sex. Just comfort. Relaxation. Calmness. Stillness. I feel like I can’t give to myself sometimes. This past quarter (this year!) has been stressful. With a professor that I am not a fan of and Langston being sick most of the quarter thus me having to miss class because the daycare won’t keep him when he is sick just made it a crazy 10+ weeks. I haven’t calmed down from it yet. It’s like a tightness in my guts. A queasiness in my heart. Very uncomfortable. And whenever I have been stressed or wanted comfort I usually had someone (a boyfriend or male friend) who I went to, to make me feel rested or comforted. It didn’t always work. Well most of the time it didn’t work. But for some reason I kept using this technique. This is how my son came about. Being away from home…from everyone, just broke-up a long relationship and I couldn’t calm or relax myself, so I used what was…who was accessible. So then I asked myself why do men play this role in my life? Where does this come from? So I started thinking about the roles men have played in the lives of the women before me.
Let’s start with my grandmother. At 15 she became pregnant with her first of five children from her first boyfriend soon-to-be husband. She lived with her grandmother because her mother wasn’t taking care of her (not sure why) and her father was a rolling stone. Later she was kicked out of high school for being pregnant and her grandmother told her she needed to go find the man that got her pregnant. That man, my grandfather, ended up having multiple relationships with other women resulting in me having outside uncles and aunts. Regardless she stayed with him. Why? Well it was the 1950s and 60s, so to be single with multiple kids was harder than it is now. Plus, he was all she had. He was the bread winner. Her mother was gone. Her grandmother telling her to find her boyfriend. But what is most important is that her father was never around. He wasn’t a permanent part of her life until he needed some where to stay about 30+ or so years later. Also, maybe most important, her husband was having multiple affairs while she working full-time as a cook and taking care of five kids as he left for months to work on the other side of the country. Then, when his many baby mamas came to him and said, “take your kids it’s your turn,” SHE took care of them. SHE took care of her husband’s bad a** kids from his adulterous affairs. Is that not out of control?! How does a woman feel during and after something like that? Is that love or the manifestation of powerlessness and a poor sense of self worth? I always wondered why she didn’t get a divorce, but she doesn’t know anything else. She became a woman at 15. In the 10th grade. By 21 years old she had 5 kids and was basically a single mother. I feel that women learn how to be treated by a man and the role a man is suppose to play in her life from the older men in their lives. Her father was a rolling stone. Thus she married a rolling stone. But everyone won’t marry the same kind of person their father was/is. The woman who is cautious but not introspective will notice the obvious flaws of her father and choose a man who does not have those elements. But her lack of introspection (the ability AND willingness to self evaluate thus able to do the same to others) will prevent her from recognizing the subliminal elements. My mother might be that cautious non-introspective woman. Every issue that I ever remember her ever having , occurred because of a man. She remembers my grandfather hitting my grandmother. Her first love suddenly leaving her to marry another woman. Seems like the best man in her life was my father who seemed to have loved her. But had his own issues. He told her she couldn’t gain weight so she over exercised. I don’t think she could see his insecurities. With a two-year old daughter, them both being in school, financially struggling, his mother recently passing he decided to kill himself. I think there was a lot going on with him that she couldn’t see. Didn’t want to see. It manifested itself in the way he felt she needed to be and his ultimate cause of death. After that, it was my mom and I for a while. When I was in 1st grade she met my brother’s father. They dated for a couple of years and talked about marriage. Once it was time to go to the hospital to have my brother it was me at 8 years old, my aunt who lived with us and my mom. He never showed up. He was virtually absent from then on. My brother is 18 years old and hasn’t seen his father in over 10 years. Many times he said he was coming and never did. AND we he was dealing with my mother he was married (or separated) with multiple other kids. There was something there that was over-looked and not questioned. After my brother’s birth all my mother talked about was how she wished she wasn’t doing this alone. How she wished she had a man to help her. Finally, two years ago she married a guy. My feelings on him is another story, but also found out that he was married after she went to the get their marriage license and couldn’t. For years she has be wanting and wishing for a man who she believed to be the key to her comfort, security, and happiness. Now she is married not much has changed. Why did she leave the possibility of happiness and comfort in someone else’s hands? Why did she rely on someone else to make her feel secure? To make her feel beautiful? To make her feel worthy only to remain at the same bliss-less level she has been most of her life? Why has her life been bliss-less? Because she didn’t take charge of her destiny, her happiness, her comfort and develop joy out of her circumstances. But someone who isn’t introspective won’t ask themselves the tough questions.
Next are my aunts. My mother’s sister has never been married but has had many boyfriends. I know of at least two who have beat her and she always went back to them. I remember when I was young she had me call and ask for a man for her. Probably because she had called so many times she didn’t want to look desperate. Very childish. The man she is with now is married to a sick woman who is blind do to her sickness. BLIND! Not only is he messing with my aunt and married but also has/had another girlfriend. Who my aunt got in a street fight with and ultimately went to jail over. He tells her he is going to get a divorce but hasn’t yet after I don’t know how many years. But that isn’t the core issue. That’s the surface. The real questions are “how has this man treated the women in his life? How is he treating me? Does he treat me the way I want to be treated?” Why can’t she see that he is cheating on his SICK WIFE! On top of that he is cheating on her! My other aunt, my dad’s sister continues to have failed relationships with guys who don’t cherish her. When I went to visit her, Irode with her in the middle of the night to find the guy she was dating. I also watched her conduct her own private investigation looking for names and phone numbers trying to find out more information on him. This is too much for a 50+ year old woman. What she needs to ask is “why am I doing this? What do I hope to gain from this? What is the worst case scenario? If I get the worst case scenario, how or will I alter my interactions with this man? Why am I devoting this much energy to this person and this situation and are they worth it? Are there any similarities in this person that are in any of the people in my past relationships? How have I conducted myself in this relationship? What do these investigative actions say about me? What does it say about how I view myself, men, and our supposed interactions?”
It seems as if none of them asked “why do I feel this way? What am I ignoring? What was I suppose to learn from the last relationship? What do I carry over into this one? What about me hindered/hinders the development of this past/present relationship? Is that element present in this one? What isn’t he giving me? What is it that I need from him?”
These are just some of the women in my family but these are the women I have had the most contact with. It looks like this started with my great grandfather. Maybe be even before him. My great grandfather did not treat the women in his life well. My grandmother internalized that behavior and believed that is how she (women) are suppose to be or destined to be treated. She ultimately married a man that emulated her father regardless of how she may not have appreciated how her father treated her or her mother. Her children were given a role model. Her three sons have multiple children from multiple women and never married .Her daughters are unfilled depending on men to give them happiness. No I ask myself , “What have they said to me without words? How have their actions taught me? What have I internalized?” My mother is a hopeless romantic escapist who feels it’s too hard to face reality. I think many people…most people are escapist. It’s hard to face what is wrong within us. It is extremely uncomfortable to not only to recognize your faults but purposefully seek out your faults. I will face reality and ask the hard questions. Where we are a like it that I am a romantic. And probably always will be. I do find myself seeking whatever that euphoric feeling is and I think that is where my problem lies. I am placing the possibility of getting that feeling in someone else’s hands. I think that is consistent among all the women in my family. They are looking for something that they have never seen and only imagined. They don’t know where it comes from or who has it. This search has left them empty and unfulfilled. I think that is how people lose themselves in other people. Not being able to sleep at night, calling the person all the time, feeling lost or empty when that person isn’t around isn’t healthy. That’s not love. They are trying to fill a void. I think I have been searching for security and a level of happiness in the men in my life. It isn’t healthy. But I grew up being taught that men had the key. My older cousin asks me every time she sees me, “you have a boyfriend?” Why does it matter so much? She is divorced and wishing to be married again. Not fulfilled or gain a better sense of self or discover joy on her own but just to be married. Because that is the key to everything that is joyful. Really? This is a detrimental mentality. I want to be married but I want to be a whole person first. My constant prayer is that I become the woman, mother, daughter, sister, cousin and Christian that I am suppose to be. And I know that in order for metal to be shaped it must be placed in the fire. There has been a lot of fire and I am feeling the pain and discomfort of being twisted into a new form but I know it is all for a good reason. I know it is all for the betterment of me. I feel it’s more important to experience that discomfort and become a better person instead of repeating mistakes. I will charge of my destiny, my happiness, my comfort and develop joy out of my circumstances. It takes time. But recognition is the first step.
Let’s start with my grandmother. At 15 she became pregnant with her first of five children from her first boyfriend soon-to-be husband. She lived with her grandmother because her mother wasn’t taking care of her (not sure why) and her father was a rolling stone. Later she was kicked out of high school for being pregnant and her grandmother told her she needed to go find the man that got her pregnant. That man, my grandfather, ended up having multiple relationships with other women resulting in me having outside uncles and aunts. Regardless she stayed with him. Why? Well it was the 1950s and 60s, so to be single with multiple kids was harder than it is now. Plus, he was all she had. He was the bread winner. Her mother was gone. Her grandmother telling her to find her boyfriend. But what is most important is that her father was never around. He wasn’t a permanent part of her life until he needed some where to stay about 30+ or so years later. Also, maybe most important, her husband was having multiple affairs while she working full-time as a cook and taking care of five kids as he left for months to work on the other side of the country. Then, when his many baby mamas came to him and said, “take your kids it’s your turn,” SHE took care of them. SHE took care of her husband’s bad a** kids from his adulterous affairs. Is that not out of control?! How does a woman feel during and after something like that? Is that love or the manifestation of powerlessness and a poor sense of self worth? I always wondered why she didn’t get a divorce, but she doesn’t know anything else. She became a woman at 15. In the 10th grade. By 21 years old she had 5 kids and was basically a single mother. I feel that women learn how to be treated by a man and the role a man is suppose to play in her life from the older men in their lives. Her father was a rolling stone. Thus she married a rolling stone. But everyone won’t marry the same kind of person their father was/is. The woman who is cautious but not introspective will notice the obvious flaws of her father and choose a man who does not have those elements. But her lack of introspection (the ability AND willingness to self evaluate thus able to do the same to others) will prevent her from recognizing the subliminal elements. My mother might be that cautious non-introspective woman. Every issue that I ever remember her ever having , occurred because of a man. She remembers my grandfather hitting my grandmother. Her first love suddenly leaving her to marry another woman. Seems like the best man in her life was my father who seemed to have loved her. But had his own issues. He told her she couldn’t gain weight so she over exercised. I don’t think she could see his insecurities. With a two-year old daughter, them both being in school, financially struggling, his mother recently passing he decided to kill himself. I think there was a lot going on with him that she couldn’t see. Didn’t want to see. It manifested itself in the way he felt she needed to be and his ultimate cause of death. After that, it was my mom and I for a while. When I was in 1st grade she met my brother’s father. They dated for a couple of years and talked about marriage. Once it was time to go to the hospital to have my brother it was me at 8 years old, my aunt who lived with us and my mom. He never showed up. He was virtually absent from then on. My brother is 18 years old and hasn’t seen his father in over 10 years. Many times he said he was coming and never did. AND we he was dealing with my mother he was married (or separated) with multiple other kids. There was something there that was over-looked and not questioned. After my brother’s birth all my mother talked about was how she wished she wasn’t doing this alone. How she wished she had a man to help her. Finally, two years ago she married a guy. My feelings on him is another story, but also found out that he was married after she went to the get their marriage license and couldn’t. For years she has be wanting and wishing for a man who she believed to be the key to her comfort, security, and happiness. Now she is married not much has changed. Why did she leave the possibility of happiness and comfort in someone else’s hands? Why did she rely on someone else to make her feel secure? To make her feel beautiful? To make her feel worthy only to remain at the same bliss-less level she has been most of her life? Why has her life been bliss-less? Because she didn’t take charge of her destiny, her happiness, her comfort and develop joy out of her circumstances. But someone who isn’t introspective won’t ask themselves the tough questions.
Next are my aunts. My mother’s sister has never been married but has had many boyfriends. I know of at least two who have beat her and she always went back to them. I remember when I was young she had me call and ask for a man for her. Probably because she had called so many times she didn’t want to look desperate. Very childish. The man she is with now is married to a sick woman who is blind do to her sickness. BLIND! Not only is he messing with my aunt and married but also has/had another girlfriend. Who my aunt got in a street fight with and ultimately went to jail over. He tells her he is going to get a divorce but hasn’t yet after I don’t know how many years. But that isn’t the core issue. That’s the surface. The real questions are “how has this man treated the women in his life? How is he treating me? Does he treat me the way I want to be treated?” Why can’t she see that he is cheating on his SICK WIFE! On top of that he is cheating on her! My other aunt, my dad’s sister continues to have failed relationships with guys who don’t cherish her. When I went to visit her, Irode with her in the middle of the night to find the guy she was dating. I also watched her conduct her own private investigation looking for names and phone numbers trying to find out more information on him. This is too much for a 50+ year old woman. What she needs to ask is “why am I doing this? What do I hope to gain from this? What is the worst case scenario? If I get the worst case scenario, how or will I alter my interactions with this man? Why am I devoting this much energy to this person and this situation and are they worth it? Are there any similarities in this person that are in any of the people in my past relationships? How have I conducted myself in this relationship? What do these investigative actions say about me? What does it say about how I view myself, men, and our supposed interactions?”
It seems as if none of them asked “why do I feel this way? What am I ignoring? What was I suppose to learn from the last relationship? What do I carry over into this one? What about me hindered/hinders the development of this past/present relationship? Is that element present in this one? What isn’t he giving me? What is it that I need from him?”
These are just some of the women in my family but these are the women I have had the most contact with. It looks like this started with my great grandfather. Maybe be even before him. My great grandfather did not treat the women in his life well. My grandmother internalized that behavior and believed that is how she (women) are suppose to be or destined to be treated. She ultimately married a man that emulated her father regardless of how she may not have appreciated how her father treated her or her mother. Her children were given a role model. Her three sons have multiple children from multiple women and never married .Her daughters are unfilled depending on men to give them happiness. No I ask myself , “What have they said to me without words? How have their actions taught me? What have I internalized?” My mother is a hopeless romantic escapist who feels it’s too hard to face reality. I think many people…most people are escapist. It’s hard to face what is wrong within us. It is extremely uncomfortable to not only to recognize your faults but purposefully seek out your faults. I will face reality and ask the hard questions. Where we are a like it that I am a romantic. And probably always will be. I do find myself seeking whatever that euphoric feeling is and I think that is where my problem lies. I am placing the possibility of getting that feeling in someone else’s hands. I think that is consistent among all the women in my family. They are looking for something that they have never seen and only imagined. They don’t know where it comes from or who has it. This search has left them empty and unfulfilled. I think that is how people lose themselves in other people. Not being able to sleep at night, calling the person all the time, feeling lost or empty when that person isn’t around isn’t healthy. That’s not love. They are trying to fill a void. I think I have been searching for security and a level of happiness in the men in my life. It isn’t healthy. But I grew up being taught that men had the key. My older cousin asks me every time she sees me, “you have a boyfriend?” Why does it matter so much? She is divorced and wishing to be married again. Not fulfilled or gain a better sense of self or discover joy on her own but just to be married. Because that is the key to everything that is joyful. Really? This is a detrimental mentality. I want to be married but I want to be a whole person first. My constant prayer is that I become the woman, mother, daughter, sister, cousin and Christian that I am suppose to be. And I know that in order for metal to be shaped it must be placed in the fire. There has been a lot of fire and I am feeling the pain and discomfort of being twisted into a new form but I know it is all for a good reason. I know it is all for the betterment of me. I feel it’s more important to experience that discomfort and become a better person instead of repeating mistakes. I will charge of my destiny, my happiness, my comfort and develop joy out of my circumstances. It takes time. But recognition is the first step.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
" White People are interesting" My Book Response to Local People: The Struggle for Civil Rights in Mississippi
I have heard of, and read some, about the conspiracies involving J. Edgar Hoover targeting African Americans and presidents slow action to defend Blacks, but to have these vivid illustrations of Hoover’s plight against African Americans prior to his COINTELPRO actions against the Black Panther Party, Martin Luther King Jr. etc. and the president agreeing with Hoover’s methods, was enlightening and generally upsetting. It was not as if Hoover was inconspicuously plotting against Blacks. He publicly said, “We most certainly do not and will not give protection to civil rights workers…” But in the same speech, he stated that the law enforcement should “comply with the new civil rights law.” But his efforts in trying to convince the local terrorists to obey weren’t for the welfare of African Americans, it was meant for those who dared to harm whites. Apparently, his message of applying the civil rights law to only certain Americans was clearly internalized by local terrorists when two African American men’s mutilated bodies were discovered in a river.
The Lyndon Johnson presidential administration’s delayed reaction to the violence in Mississippi is reminiscent of our recent Katrina tragedy and the Bush administration’s lackadaisical response. How interesting that we still vote into office ambivalent “leaders” who make conscious efforts to attempt to negate and not build upon the progress (arguably minimal) made by their predecessors. As the supposed leaders of the free world constantly developing a “Great Society” they continue to make plans that are not all encompassing. Presidents such as Lincoln, Roosevelt, Kennedy and Johnson did implement laws pivotal in the progress of African Americans, but the adoration offered to them is undeserved. Each of them made decisions under pressure and when their ideal ways of satiating the public was unsuccessful. Lincoln only signed the Emancipation Proclamation because he could not allocate the funds to remove Blacks from the country, Roosevelt didn’t want Blacks to march so he instituted a new labor law, Kennedy took his time with Little Rock’s school integration issues and now we read about Johnson’s apprehension to resolve issues in McComb via military action. It’s not the first time, but to have more evidence of consistency in leniency towards those who don’t uphold democratic laws and the utilization of political tactics to circumvent injustices targeting the country’s minority is all too frustrating. What makes President Lyndon Johnson’s story so similar to those before him is that Blacks benefited only because the government’s lack of action began to negatively affect whites. It was when Governor Johnson feared military occupation of his state that he acted against the Klan. It wasn’t until two young middle-class white men died that the White House moved into action. It was not until after tension was created as a result of numerous bombings and white business owners’ livelihood began to suffer because the threat of the federal government imposing on their town was scaring away patrons that the bombers were finally arrested.
Interestingly Hoover’s own words reveal the paradoxical actions and propaganda disseminating from the past and current presidential administrations, “In recent years, a campaign of falsehood and vilification has been directed against the FBI by some ignorant and subversive elements. In the world-wide struggle of free people, the truth is still one of the most potent weapons. And the record of the FBI speaks for itself.” How can a governmental figure acknowledge “the world-wide struggle of free people” when his own FBI agents are assisting in keeping Blacks captive in the country he was hired to make safe for all residents?
The Lyndon Johnson presidential administration’s delayed reaction to the violence in Mississippi is reminiscent of our recent Katrina tragedy and the Bush administration’s lackadaisical response. How interesting that we still vote into office ambivalent “leaders” who make conscious efforts to attempt to negate and not build upon the progress (arguably minimal) made by their predecessors. As the supposed leaders of the free world constantly developing a “Great Society” they continue to make plans that are not all encompassing. Presidents such as Lincoln, Roosevelt, Kennedy and Johnson did implement laws pivotal in the progress of African Americans, but the adoration offered to them is undeserved. Each of them made decisions under pressure and when their ideal ways of satiating the public was unsuccessful. Lincoln only signed the Emancipation Proclamation because he could not allocate the funds to remove Blacks from the country, Roosevelt didn’t want Blacks to march so he instituted a new labor law, Kennedy took his time with Little Rock’s school integration issues and now we read about Johnson’s apprehension to resolve issues in McComb via military action. It’s not the first time, but to have more evidence of consistency in leniency towards those who don’t uphold democratic laws and the utilization of political tactics to circumvent injustices targeting the country’s minority is all too frustrating. What makes President Lyndon Johnson’s story so similar to those before him is that Blacks benefited only because the government’s lack of action began to negatively affect whites. It was when Governor Johnson feared military occupation of his state that he acted against the Klan. It wasn’t until two young middle-class white men died that the White House moved into action. It was not until after tension was created as a result of numerous bombings and white business owners’ livelihood began to suffer because the threat of the federal government imposing on their town was scaring away patrons that the bombers were finally arrested.
Interestingly Hoover’s own words reveal the paradoxical actions and propaganda disseminating from the past and current presidential administrations, “In recent years, a campaign of falsehood and vilification has been directed against the FBI by some ignorant and subversive elements. In the world-wide struggle of free people, the truth is still one of the most potent weapons. And the record of the FBI speaks for itself.” How can a governmental figure acknowledge “the world-wide struggle of free people” when his own FBI agents are assisting in keeping Blacks captive in the country he was hired to make safe for all residents?
An Immigrant Revolution!!!
I think America is about to embark on another race-centered Power Movement. I am not well verse in Chicano studies, so we may very well be in the middle of such a movement. But I feel it will soon reach the level of the Black Power Movement if they continue down the path I think they are on. Let me explain. I was in the second session at the Ray Miller Institute which consisted of two speakers presenting on the subject of immigration in America. One speaker was female and Venezuelan and the other was male and Somolian. Both were debunking the myths of immigrants coming to this country. In conclusion she seemed to make a plea to the class, “our nucleus is the same as everyone else. We pray to the same God, we all want a good family and we just want to work to support that family.” It was a plea reminiscent of early non-violent Black civil rights activists trying to pull at the heart strings of white America in hopes that Uncle Sam and his puppets would stop demonizing them. It is no different than when Blacks were saying, “look at us. We aren’t barbarians like you think. We can dress nice, talk nice, and we won’t even fight you when you push us in the face. So please let us integrate. Please. We will be good we promise.” They soon realized that white people were not trying to care about the plight of Black Americans and soon a new mentality was formed…Black Power. I say that the Latino Power Movement is coming because the revelation that white sympathy for brown people doesn’t exist in form for which they hope. It will be police brutality encouraged by the national government that will trigger a new mindset. For example in Irving, Texas the local police are a part of a nationwide Criminal Alien Program were police assist in identifying people suspected of being illegal immigrants after they have been arrested. But interestingly, the police are profiling and stopping Latino motorists when no crime has been committed thus, the number of undocumented immigrants being arrested and deported from Irving has risen significantly. It sounds all too familiar. Local Police in cahoots with the federal government in order to “neutralize” a problem and local police abuse their power. One difference with Latinos is they can be sent back to their place of origin…Blacks couldn’t. So instead they gave “communists” and members of the Black Power movement extended prison terms. What really is the difference between the Americans for the Preservation of the White Race (APWR) of the 1960s who believed that the federal government wasn’t properly handling the civil rights workers threatening the beloved Southern way of life and the Minutemen of today who choose to "do the job our government refuses to do" and "protect America" from the "tens of millions of invading illegal aliens who are devouring and plundering our nation." iSince there tends to be a trend of whites fighting people of color why are black people joining the Minutemen? Organizations like the Crispus Attucks Brigade (interestingly paying homage to another Black man fighting in a white man’s war) and the American Black Citizens Opposed to Illegal Immigration Invasion marching with the belief that illegal immigrants are taking jobs from Blacks. It is that same fear that was that was present in the white auto workers in Michigan and every other majority white-employed business in America. So why is there going to be a Latino Power Movement? It is because, like the Sons of Watts or Us, they have no real allies but themselves. Blacks and other people of color are vehemently requesting a seat on the bandwagon led by whites shoving down our throats the propaganda of “fear the brown people because it you don’t they will take your jobs and then your can’t feed your family and then you will die!” It is the same propaganda utilizing the same media devices and the same police brutality and the same anti-other sentiments that hurt, the Black Power Movement participants. Somolians are going to get tired of arriving in America with college degrees and having to drive a cab (interestingly reminiscent of Black college graduates of the 1950’s) and Latinos are going to get tired of getting beaten by racist Americans (no longer just white people). Then instead of the New Republic of Africa it will be the New Republic of Tenochtitlan. No more Maria or Jose. No more Diaz or Cortez. New names will be created using ancient Mayan and Aztec language. They will want to segregate themselves and they will have grounds to do so since the bottom part of many of the American states bordering America were originally a part of Mexico. There will be a new wave of Latino consciousness. They are asking for a piece of the American pie. Sooner than later they will be taking it by any means necessary. But hopefully, they won’t be interested in being American because (in the words of Malcolm X) America isn’t interested in them. It takes more effort for Blacks to go back to Africa in hopes of preserving the remaining culture that doesn’t have a huge Eurocentric footprint on top of it. Mexicans and all from Central America wanting to transplant themselves in the “land of the free and home of the brave” will recognize every time someone leaves their country and assimilate into white America, a little piece of their history is left behind.
Just FYI... I understand that there was a Chicano Movement during the 1960s but what I mean it there is going to be a Revolution beyond what we have seen in the past 40-50 years.
Just FYI... I understand that there was a Chicano Movement during the 1960s but what I mean it there is going to be a Revolution beyond what we have seen in the past 40-50 years.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Maintaining stability with just three legs
This year has been interesting. A year of growth, confusion, pain, joy, instability, and strength. The year began with me entering my second to last quarter of my supposed last year of my Master’s of Fine Arts program to only find out that I could no longer continue in the program. Not because I had poor grades or issues with staff or anything like that. But because my thesis topic wasn’t “design enough”. They said they sent me a letter notifying me of this but I never got. Sent to the wrong address. So I entered into the spring quarter without a department, couldn’t register for classes, no financial aid, and a side job that couldn't pay my $850 + per month expenses. After receiving a letter from my apartment complex that my rent was going to go up, I had to find a new cheaper place to stay that would take my son and I quickly.
So we moved on campus to family housing. I ended up maxing out my credit card with the last purchases being the security deposit and rent. It wasn’t a big deal that I didn’t have a department “home” I was still a student. Now, since I wasn’t going to school I could get a job. After being three months behind in rent, credit cards over charged, my cell phone off, I finally found two summer jobs which allowed me to catch-up on bills. I also found a department home in African American and African Studies, which supported my thesis topic and understood what I was doing (it sounds like a big jump but it really isn’t in relation to what I’m researching). Also in the January-February period I officially divorced my feeling for my ex-boyfriend from undergrad. We had been going on and off for years. After consistent prayer I felt released from him. It was so liberating. He wasn’t or isn’t a bad guy. If any woman asked me about him I would only have great things to say. I think he would make a great father and a wonderful husband to somebody…just not me. I came to realize what I wanted, what I needed and compared that to what he has given me and what I think he was capable of giving me and it just didn’t add up. I think it was all those great things about him that kept me there in addition to me focused on what he wasn’t doing rather that what I needed to do.
Between March and April, my aunt died in Florida which was unexpected and really hard on my uncle and my cousins, my aunt died in Baltimore which was expected to happen eventually but still troublesome all the same, and (on an up side) I began dating someone. His name is Jonathan.
So we moved on campus to family housing. I ended up maxing out my credit card with the last purchases being the security deposit and rent. It wasn’t a big deal that I didn’t have a department “home” I was still a student. Now, since I wasn’t going to school I could get a job. After being three months behind in rent, credit cards over charged, my cell phone off, I finally found two summer jobs which allowed me to catch-up on bills. I also found a department home in African American and African Studies, which supported my thesis topic and understood what I was doing (it sounds like a big jump but it really isn’t in relation to what I’m researching). Also in the January-February period I officially divorced my feeling for my ex-boyfriend from undergrad. We had been going on and off for years. After consistent prayer I felt released from him. It was so liberating. He wasn’t or isn’t a bad guy. If any woman asked me about him I would only have great things to say. I think he would make a great father and a wonderful husband to somebody…just not me. I came to realize what I wanted, what I needed and compared that to what he has given me and what I think he was capable of giving me and it just didn’t add up. I think it was all those great things about him that kept me there in addition to me focused on what he wasn’t doing rather that what I needed to do.Between March and April, my aunt died in Florida which was unexpected and really hard on my uncle and my cousins, my aunt died in Baltimore which was expected to happen eventually but still troublesome all the same, and (on an up side) I began dating someone. His name is Jonathan.
I told him that I wasn’t ready to begin a relationship (I felt like a guy when I said that) and there was just soo much going on with me that I didn’t think I could give the attention needed to a new romance. So we hung out, discovered we had so many things in common. He absolutely loves my son and I can (and have) spend days on end with him. Something I haven’t been able to do with anyone. Usually something ends up getting on my nerves but not with him. Our attraction began to grow but we didn’t have sex too soon. We agreed that sex can complicate things and get in the way of getting to know someone. In addition, I had issues with intimacy. In the past I have taken it in replacement of something else I was subconsciously lacking or some type of fulfillment (even if I couldn’t put my finger on it) and as a Christian I can’t resolve my flesh issues by continuing to let it led me. In March he left the country for 3 weeks for his dissertation research and we communicated via text message and email. That old adage of “distance makes the heart grow fonder” was definitely true after we sealed our relationship with intimacy once he came back, which we immediately regretted given our stance before he left. Nonetheless we proceeded forward in the relationship getting to know one another more and getting comfortable. Soon we hit what I thought was a speed bump down our path of bliss (lol). He wasn’t a Christian. Now this had come up before and we talked about it but I thought it was a case of someone who simply had bad encounters with overly-judgmental Christians and didn’t know the Bible. So we began to read the Bible together, prayed together, cried together, and engaged in great discussion that challenged my beliefs and forced me to flesh-out some ideas that I never had before. It was truly a growing experience and we both thought we were each other’s potential soul mates. So much so that we went to each other’s family reunions. I had already met his parents when he suggested that my son and I stay at his parents’ house when I went to Baltimore for my aunt's funeral instead of staying in a hotel (because I didn’t want to stay with my family…whole other story). My family couldn’t stop talking about him and his family loved me.
By now my son is with my mom for the summer and Jonathan decides to treat me to a “Melissa Day” doing stuff that I wanted to do and a few surprises. I really wanted to go fishing so we did and I caught me first fish. We dressed up and went to a really nice restaurant and he surprised me with tickets to Cirque de Solie, a show I have been dying to see. A few weeks later, I started having pains in my stomach. I thought maybe it was because of stress. Other things were happening with my body. My face was breaking out, my weight was fluctuating, wasn’t sleeping well and I hair was breaking off. So after the pain became really bad I went to the emergency room, thinking it could be ulcers. It wasn’t and they weren’t sure what it was. Then a week later the pain became worse so I went in again. They ran numerous tests and still wasn’t sure what it was. Then one day in July I missed my period. I attributed it to stress and wasn’t too worried about it. But Jonathan was extremely nervous. While at his house, he decided to buy a pregnancy test. I tried to compose myself before testing myself trying to be mentally prepared for whatever results still thinking its was stress and my cycle would go back to normal any day now. After the applicator showed two very dark lines I was surprisingly calmer that I thought. Not particularly happy but calm. Jonathan, good at being composed, was quietly nervous but comforting. After counting the days back, it was the "Melissa Day" that did us in. I think I wasn’t upset because this situation was very different than it was with my son’s father. And so this pregnancy was a way to simply seal the deal on our life together. We told our parents. I told my mother via email. In retrospect not the greatest idea but my phone was still off and because my feelings on the matter were still on a balancing beam teetering between nervous breakdown and another baby blessing, I knew a bad reaction would send me towards the former. I sent to email to some friends and family to let them know that I was pregnant…again and that Jonathan and I were going to move in together. Later I discover that one of those people I called a friend announced my situation to others before even calling me to see if I was ok. Nevertheless, I longer speak to that person who I incorrectly deemed as someone who had my best interest in mind.
So now I'm pregnant and we are looking for two bedroom cat-friendly apartments that are cost efficient as to allow us to provide for our new little one. For some reason this adventure was fun and felt very “couple-like” looking for a home to raise our child. But the pain was still occurring consistently on a daily basis. One day the pain was so great I couldn’t sit of at my desk at work. I went to the emergency room and they confirmed my pregnancy and said I may be having a miscarriage but they weren’t sure. They said if I start bleeding more that an overnight pad an hour to come back into the emergency room. I later got an appointment with my physician who sent me to get a ultrasound. With Jonathan with me, we saw the heartbeat and got a picture of the small fetus. This was also fun. Maybe because with my son, I did all of this by myself with no family or friends around to help me. We started playing around with names and when to bring my son back up from Florida. We thought about how long it would take to finish our degrees and how we were going to plan our lives after we left OSU since I wanted to get my PhD after I finished my masters. Then one day I started bleeding but not that much. I wasn’t too concerned because my aunt bled the entire time sure was pregnant with my cousin and again it wasn’t that much, but the pain was getting stronger. Soon I bleeding about a pad an hour, more than my normal cycle flow. I was getting tired and woozy so he took me to the hospital again. They said I was having a miscarriage and there wasn’t anything they could do about it. It had to take its course. But the fetus was still there. We left the hospital sad, but interestingly (or maybe not THAT interestingly) more relieved. They told me I could continue to bleed for another 2-3 weeks or more on top of the two weeks or so I had already been bleeding. Then one day at my first job (working with high school students on campus) as I was taking the students to lunch I got really sick and the pain became increasingly bad. I felt nauseous so I went to the bathroom to vomit, but instead stood there dry-heaving. This felt very much like my first pregnancy but then I was vomiting constantly. The cramping continued and it was challenging to walk. So I made my way to the CVS next door to get a heating pad, which is what the doctor told me to do for the cramps outside of over the counter medication. I got into CVS and I couldn’t walk anymore. I called Jonathan who was down the street to help me find the heating pad plus I left my wallet in my car. He found me sitting, crying on the floor in the back of CVS and I couldn’t move. The pain was very intense. Soon a crowd of people stood and watched me cry after asking if I was ok. Jonathan took me to the employees' bathroom to try and put the heating pad on but it didn’t work and I could stand up for long. We sat there in the employee bathroom as he held me and a cried in excruciating pain. The pain slightly sub-sided and I thought that soon it would go away and I could go back to work. So he helped me walk next door which was the next stop for the students. We got there and I had to lie down again. The pain was back and the heating pad wasn’t doing anything. It was like delivering a baby with no anesthesia. After laying there awhile and the pain not going away he called the ambulance. I told them I think I was having a miscarriage and I was in really bad pain. Once we got to the hospital, to my surprise they sat me in the waiting room. Jonathan sat there attempting to comfort me and angry at the hospital as I tried not to cry out loud in public. Then I was nauseous again so he wheeled me into the bathroom where I vomited so violently then I urinated all over my clothes. Something else reminiscent of my former pregnancy. He asked them to give me some more pants and I new pad since I was still bleed profusely. After asking me questions about my insurance and I think I may have signed a few things they sent me back to the emergency room where I was quickly given an IV full of narcotics that eased the pain and put me to sleep. I woke up to find out that the fetus had passed, I will continue to experience cramps for another week or so, so they gave me a prescription to fill. After the hospital drug wore off the pain came back and Jonathan was there with me the whole time. During that time I would find out that a close family member died unexpectedly. She found out she had a brain tumor; the doctors tried to remove it but she passed on the operating table. The same year my Jonathan’s had a tragedy in his family and after I met his uncle and cousin at the family reunion, they were hit by cars. Leaving one barely harmed and the other paralyzed.
After another week or so of pain a
nd bleeding the pain stopped and I decided to cut my hair off. I hadn’t permed my hair in a few months, masking the new grown with tight roller-set curls and hats when necessary. I had a little fro, I wasn’t a fan so put micro braids in my hair to let it grow out some.
By now my son is with my mom for the summer and Jonathan decides to treat me to a “Melissa Day” doing stuff that I wanted to do and a few surprises. I really wanted to go fishing so we did and I caught me first fish. We dressed up and went to a really nice restaurant and he surprised me with tickets to Cirque de Solie, a show I have been dying to see. A few weeks later, I started having pains in my stomach. I thought maybe it was because of stress. Other things were happening with my body. My face was breaking out, my weight was fluctuating, wasn’t sleeping well and I hair was breaking off. So after the pain became really bad I went to the emergency room, thinking it could be ulcers. It wasn’t and they weren’t sure what it was. Then a week later the pain became worse so I went in again. They ran numerous tests and still wasn’t sure what it was. Then one day in July I missed my period. I attributed it to stress and wasn’t too worried about it. But Jonathan was extremely nervous. While at his house, he decided to buy a pregnancy test. I tried to compose myself before testing myself trying to be mentally prepared for whatever results still thinking its was stress and my cycle would go back to normal any day now. After the applicator showed two very dark lines I was surprisingly calmer that I thought. Not particularly happy but calm. Jonathan, good at being composed, was quietly nervous but comforting. After counting the days back, it was the "Melissa Day" that did us in. I think I wasn’t upset because this situation was very different than it was with my son’s father. And so this pregnancy was a way to simply seal the deal on our life together. We told our parents. I told my mother via email. In retrospect not the greatest idea but my phone was still off and because my feelings on the matter were still on a balancing beam teetering between nervous breakdown and another baby blessing, I knew a bad reaction would send me towards the former. I sent to email to some friends and family to let them know that I was pregnant…again and that Jonathan and I were going to move in together. Later I discover that one of those people I called a friend announced my situation to others before even calling me to see if I was ok. Nevertheless, I longer speak to that person who I incorrectly deemed as someone who had my best interest in mind.
So now I'm pregnant and we are looking for two bedroom cat-friendly apartments that are cost efficient as to allow us to provide for our new little one. For some reason this adventure was fun and felt very “couple-like” looking for a home to raise our child. But the pain was still occurring consistently on a daily basis. One day the pain was so great I couldn’t sit of at my desk at work. I went to the emergency room and they confirmed my pregnancy and said I may be having a miscarriage but they weren’t sure. They said if I start bleeding more that an overnight pad an hour to come back into the emergency room. I later got an appointment with my physician who sent me to get a ultrasound. With Jonathan with me, we saw the heartbeat and got a picture of the small fetus. This was also fun. Maybe because with my son, I did all of this by myself with no family or friends around to help me. We started playing around with names and when to bring my son back up from Florida. We thought about how long it would take to finish our degrees and how we were going to plan our lives after we left OSU since I wanted to get my PhD after I finished my masters. Then one day I started bleeding but not that much. I wasn’t too concerned because my aunt bled the entire time sure was pregnant with my cousin and again it wasn’t that much, but the pain was getting stronger. Soon I bleeding about a pad an hour, more than my normal cycle flow. I was getting tired and woozy so he took me to the hospital again. They said I was having a miscarriage and there wasn’t anything they could do about it. It had to take its course. But the fetus was still there. We left the hospital sad, but interestingly (or maybe not THAT interestingly) more relieved. They told me I could continue to bleed for another 2-3 weeks or more on top of the two weeks or so I had already been bleeding. Then one day at my first job (working with high school students on campus) as I was taking the students to lunch I got really sick and the pain became increasingly bad. I felt nauseous so I went to the bathroom to vomit, but instead stood there dry-heaving. This felt very much like my first pregnancy but then I was vomiting constantly. The cramping continued and it was challenging to walk. So I made my way to the CVS next door to get a heating pad, which is what the doctor told me to do for the cramps outside of over the counter medication. I got into CVS and I couldn’t walk anymore. I called Jonathan who was down the street to help me find the heating pad plus I left my wallet in my car. He found me sitting, crying on the floor in the back of CVS and I couldn’t move. The pain was very intense. Soon a crowd of people stood and watched me cry after asking if I was ok. Jonathan took me to the employees' bathroom to try and put the heating pad on but it didn’t work and I could stand up for long. We sat there in the employee bathroom as he held me and a cried in excruciating pain. The pain slightly sub-sided and I thought that soon it would go away and I could go back to work. So he helped me walk next door which was the next stop for the students. We got there and I had to lie down again. The pain was back and the heating pad wasn’t doing anything. It was like delivering a baby with no anesthesia. After laying there awhile and the pain not going away he called the ambulance. I told them I think I was having a miscarriage and I was in really bad pain. Once we got to the hospital, to my surprise they sat me in the waiting room. Jonathan sat there attempting to comfort me and angry at the hospital as I tried not to cry out loud in public. Then I was nauseous again so he wheeled me into the bathroom where I vomited so violently then I urinated all over my clothes. Something else reminiscent of my former pregnancy. He asked them to give me some more pants and I new pad since I was still bleed profusely. After asking me questions about my insurance and I think I may have signed a few things they sent me back to the emergency room where I was quickly given an IV full of narcotics that eased the pain and put me to sleep. I woke up to find out that the fetus had passed, I will continue to experience cramps for another week or so, so they gave me a prescription to fill. After the hospital drug wore off the pain came back and Jonathan was there with me the whole time. During that time I would find out that a close family member died unexpectedly. She found out she had a brain tumor; the doctors tried to remove it but she passed on the operating table. The same year my Jonathan’s had a tragedy in his family and after I met his uncle and cousin at the family reunion, they were hit by cars. Leaving one barely harmed and the other paralyzed.
After another week or so of pain a
nd bleeding the pain stopped and I decided to cut my hair off. I hadn’t permed my hair in a few months, masking the new grown with tight roller-set curls and hats when necessary. I had a little fro, I wasn’t a fan so put micro braids in my hair to let it grow out some. 
Meanwhile, Jonathan and I had broken-up as a result of our tumultuous year and made up again realizing we needed each other during this healing process.
Now it’s August and my son is back from Florida. The plan was to let him stay in Florida until I finished my new program so that I could hopefully finish quickly but my mother said she was getting too old to handle his energy and was having trouble sleeping. So I scrambled to reinstate my son in his old daycare but they couldn’t take him until after Labor Day but I still had to work. So Jonathan, being the great boyfriend, says that he will watch him for the next two weeks or so all day until my son can go to daycare. During that time they bonded and I saw that Jonathan would be a great dad.
Later I was accepted into a local leadership institute led by the state senator, which met on Monday evenings and I had a late class. Instead of me dropping my class or declining my acceptance into the institute, Jonathan said he would pick my son up from daycare and baby-sit him until I came home. Then religion reared its head. We had been ignoring it and been preoccupied with other things that we hadn’t talked about it. I thought that we were close to being of one mind on the subject by come to find out we weren’t. We were at a cross-roads. It was either stay in a relationship knowing that we differ in how we view the world and how we were going to raise a family or end the relationship. After a long talk and a lot of tears a few weeks ago we decided to end it. He still baby-sits and picks my son up from daycare because he cares about us and is man of his word. It feels sad and uncomfortable. I really love this man. I’ve talked to a couple of people about their thoughts. One good friend, Yhanique, gave the advice I needed to hear which came straight from the Bible. Which basically says, a believer and an unbeliever can be married but it is going to be very difficult. The unbeliever may become saved but you never know when. It reminded me of my grandparents. My grandmother always went to church always called on God but my grandfather may have made appearances on Easter and Christmas if he wasn’t busy. After 50 years of marriage, God fulfilled His promise of giving us the desires of our heart and my grandfather was saved and attends church regularly. In the mean time all types of hell was raised in that household and I’m not quite sure if the two of them will ever be happy. I don’t want that to be me and Jonathan.
I feel like a piece of me as been broken off and I don’t know where it went or how to get it back. Jonathan stays over at least once a week but we don’t have sex. We don’t even kiss. Something we agreed upon. Which is a good thing given the circumstances. We need to spiritually break off from one another and sex and intimacy makes that difficult. It’s still sad though. Sad isn’t a good word. I do feel unstable. Like a leg of my chair has been removed and I trying to balance on the three remaining. I feel like he is becoming distant. I don’t know if it is his defense mechanism or if he is losing interest. Maybe he is dating or wanting to date someone else. I wont ask though. None of my business. But that feels weird since we were so open just a month or so ago. He reluctantly let me read his journals so that I could understand him better as I hesitantly let him read mine . We uncovered deep seated fears and exposed vulnerabilities. So much information exchanged to now abruptly halt it feels unnatural but probably necessary…given the circumstances. He said I am someone he would want to keep in his life as would want him in mine but I don’t know how that is going to work. Its like a friend said to me a long time ago about her last boyfriend, “I don’t want to take this friendship as a consolation prize for a failed relationship.” And I think we will always have that in the back of or minds what could have been. In practically every other way we worked except one and it wasn’t something we could work on. It just was. I think we are going to drift apart. I hope not. It’s going to hurt. It hurts now. But I would n't trade anything for it because I know now exactly what I want my husband to be and I believe the God will prepare me for him and our paths will cross. I don’t want to be sad about this anymore. I hope I get what I’m supposed to get out of all of this. We have a little over a month left in the year. Let’s see what else 2007 has to teach me.
Now it’s August and my son is back from Florida. The plan was to let him stay in Florida until I finished my new program so that I could hopefully finish quickly but my mother said she was getting too old to handle his energy and was having trouble sleeping. So I scrambled to reinstate my son in his old daycare but they couldn’t take him until after Labor Day but I still had to work. So Jonathan, being the great boyfriend, says that he will watch him for the next two weeks or so all day until my son can go to daycare. During that time they bonded and I saw that Jonathan would be a great dad.
Later I was accepted into a local leadership institute led by the state senator, which met on Monday evenings and I had a late class. Instead of me dropping my class or declining my acceptance into the institute, Jonathan said he would pick my son up from daycare and baby-sit him until I came home. Then religion reared its head. We had been ignoring it and been preoccupied with other things that we hadn’t talked about it. I thought that we were close to being of one mind on the subject by come to find out we weren’t. We were at a cross-roads. It was either stay in a relationship knowing that we differ in how we view the world and how we were going to raise a family or end the relationship. After a long talk and a lot of tears a few weeks ago we decided to end it. He still baby-sits and picks my son up from daycare because he cares about us and is man of his word. It feels sad and uncomfortable. I really love this man. I’ve talked to a couple of people about their thoughts. One good friend, Yhanique, gave the advice I needed to hear which came straight from the Bible. Which basically says, a believer and an unbeliever can be married but it is going to be very difficult. The unbeliever may become saved but you never know when. It reminded me of my grandparents. My grandmother always went to church always called on God but my grandfather may have made appearances on Easter and Christmas if he wasn’t busy. After 50 years of marriage, God fulfilled His promise of giving us the desires of our heart and my grandfather was saved and attends church regularly. In the mean time all types of hell was raised in that household and I’m not quite sure if the two of them will ever be happy. I don’t want that to be me and Jonathan.
I feel like a piece of me as been broken off and I don’t know where it went or how to get it back. Jonathan stays over at least once a week but we don’t have sex. We don’t even kiss. Something we agreed upon. Which is a good thing given the circumstances. We need to spiritually break off from one another and sex and intimacy makes that difficult. It’s still sad though. Sad isn’t a good word. I do feel unstable. Like a leg of my chair has been removed and I trying to balance on the three remaining. I feel like he is becoming distant. I don’t know if it is his defense mechanism or if he is losing interest. Maybe he is dating or wanting to date someone else. I wont ask though. None of my business. But that feels weird since we were so open just a month or so ago. He reluctantly let me read his journals so that I could understand him better as I hesitantly let him read mine . We uncovered deep seated fears and exposed vulnerabilities. So much information exchanged to now abruptly halt it feels unnatural but probably necessary…given the circumstances. He said I am someone he would want to keep in his life as would want him in mine but I don’t know how that is going to work. Its like a friend said to me a long time ago about her last boyfriend, “I don’t want to take this friendship as a consolation prize for a failed relationship.” And I think we will always have that in the back of or minds what could have been. In practically every other way we worked except one and it wasn’t something we could work on. It just was. I think we are going to drift apart. I hope not. It’s going to hurt. It hurts now. But I would n't trade anything for it because I know now exactly what I want my husband to be and I believe the God will prepare me for him and our paths will cross. I don’t want to be sad about this anymore. I hope I get what I’m supposed to get out of all of this. We have a little over a month left in the year. Let’s see what else 2007 has to teach me.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Moving away from the train and eating peanut butter and jelly :-)
I realize women continue to run back to horrible dudes that are always doggin’ them. Because it’s easier. Or at least in theory or in their mind its easier. Why easier? Bad relationships are like trains going full speed ahead straight for our hearts. We keep getting hit because it’s easier to brace for a train that you know is coming than to get hit out of no where. If she truly believes that most relationships won’t workout for her or that she will always be hit by a train, she might as well face the train that she can see coming since she will be standing on the tracks anyway. But why doesn’t she just get off the tracks and step into the patch of grass to the left of the train track? Because that’s unknown territory. All kinds of vehicles can drive on grass (cars, trucks, motorcycles, buses, four-wheelers etc.) She doesn’t know how to brace for those. And they don’t have a stable course like the train tracks. In this patch of grass the other vehicles can come from any direction at any speed, or multiple vehicles at time. Her fear is that she might come out worse in this space that looks so unstable. Why is that? Standing on the train tracks you are guaranteed only one train in a certain spot at certain time. It’s like a false sense of control. Most people think “All she has to do is step off the tracks and she won’t get hit.” The train won’t follow her, it will just keep going to hit someone else. There are no trees or anything to block her view of the train so she saw it coming a mile away thus she prepared herself, (or so she thought) for this blow head on. But what she never realized or even thought about while she was preparing for the train was that this whole time (minutes… hours…years…) she has been on these tracks waiting for the train and scared of the grass, she never saw a bus, car, motorcycle, bicycle, or four wheeler pass by, and even if they were to come and hit her it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as the train. And if they did enter that patch of grass, unlike the train, she could stop them; they could brake before they damaged her even more. She could have a chat with the driver and explain her fear of collision. He could then get off his bike and have a discussion about her past train wrecks because he could see her dismembered. They would discuss how he wasn’t trying to hit her while he was driving on the patch of grass but for some reason she made a point not to get out of his way. She would say, she was only trying to get back to feeling the way she most prepared for…collision. She would then stop seeing these vehicles as modes of repeated emotional destruction but rather as modes of secure transportation. Ways of getting her as far away from the train tracks a possible. I recognize the train tracks in my space and I recognize the grassy patch full of opportunity. Most would stay on the tracks in fear of what lie in store for them just to the left of the railroad. But I would consider myself more adventurous, optimistic, and logical than that. I have hesitantly walked to the grass with extreme caution. With eyes wide open looking for something fast to come out of no where and knock my heart out my chest again. The guy I’m dating is like that passer-by that came out of no where on his motorcycle. He stopped, turned his bike off, and just so happened to have a nice bagged lunch for two in his bike compartment. We sit eating all the while I’m looking to see if the bike is going to fall on my leg or if there is poison in the peanut butter and jelly sandwich (lol) instead of relaxing in the grass and taking in the spring air. And when the meal is finished he could either say “It was nice having lunch with you” and drive away or he could ask and I could agree to hop on the back of the bike and ride away with him. Either way I didn’t get hit and I got a nice meal out of the deal. More than I could say I got away from the train. I could be concerned with my appearance because maybe just maybe if I look nice then the train or anything else would be less likely to hit me. But that isn’t logical. As if pretty women don’t stand on railroad tracks and as if trains would magically be able to not be a train and stop on a dime. They would still be an on-coming train and that would be expecting the impossible (although I’m still checking for moldy bread on the sandwich he brought to the grassy patch). I am trying to …I am enjoying the sunny day and the nice breeze. I hope that he is patient with me as I try to get to a point where enjoying his presence, the food, and surroundings become natural. I’m not trying to get back on the tracks nor am I looking for another cyclist. I’m recognizing the environment and eating slowly :-)
The Prophet...intro to spiritual literature
I love to read. Always have for as long as I can remember. But I have never met a man who enjoys reading just as much or more than I do. So I have been dating someone for the past few months. The first time I went into his house I looked to see if he had books. Most men I’ve don’t have books (and if they did I think they were just for show because they couldn’t talk about them) but he had some. All of them I have never read and most of them I have never heard of. I have a decent number of books. He has a few, but I was interested still. Most of my books contain either fun fiction or intriguing information but never have I read anything that was intriguing thought-provoking fiction. It seems that I should have discovered this “genre” of literature since I tend to be a person who contemplates their life quite often in order to squeeze every ounce of understanding, growth and knowledge from it. So the guy I’m dating gave me a book to read. I must say this has got to be the sexiest thing a man can do. Well sexy isn’t an accurate adjective. It’s very shallow and doesn’t fully encompass what I mean. It’s more than appealing or attractive. It’s more than any “game” any man can spit. But he didn’t just give me an interesting book, he introduced me to a type of book that I never read before. Spiritual literature.
The book is called The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, a Middle Eastern writer born in the late 1800’s. The book begins with the Prophet preparing to leave Orphalese on his way to Almustafa, the place of his birth. The townspeople are so dependant on his knowledge to get them through everyday life that they bombard him with questions before his departure. You begin to wonder if they are trying their best to keep him there or just trying to get all the knowledge they can before he leaves but since he has been their for twelve years one would think that they… never have taken advantage of his knowledge and never asked him direct questions before, have always asked questions but didn’t commit the lessons to memory and put them into practice, and/or have yet to sit down and think about the answers to their questions themselves so that they may reach the level of contemplation and revelation that the Prophet has. And it’s not like he is actually prophesizing. No one’s particular future is being told. He has studied the progression of people and nature within their given environments and gave his opinion and I think he is right on the money. The townspeople offer a series of questions (“Prophet, speak of…) and he responds:
Speak to us of Love…
When love beckons to you, follow him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north winds lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning…So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked…All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor.
Many people say love isn’t easy and use that as a reason to withstand an abusive and/or unfulfilling marriage but the character is speaking to the opposite. Who ever claims to love us should be capable of making us better people. And if we understand that, then we should allow that growth, but with growth comes growing pains. It’s challenging to look at ourselves spiritually and emotionally naked, when we are with ourselves in the quietest of times and recognize our faults. Those who love us should be able to help us shed that skin in a gentle and loving way so that we may become the people God has intended for us to be. Many of us want to “fall in love” with a relentless amount of unbridled pleasure without the quest for a deeper sense of self and the world around them. The prophet is saying true love, real love crowns us as kings and queens but with that crown come obligations to the throne. But not until we are about to truly take a strong and honest inventory of ourselves are we able to fully enjoy and appreciate the throne we sit upon or the person we are suppose to share a kingdom with. Also nakedness takes a grade of courage rarely seen in our pleasure-seeking world. As Adam and Eve worked to hide their nakedness so do those in fear of exposing themselves and the world to the possible ugliness we harbor deep within us. That which is pretty is relatively easy to present for that is what we are taught to do, “put our best foot forward” implying that anything that isn’t spot-free isn’t worth consideration. And if we believe that it isn’t worth addressing then we won’t. As the character says, “then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor” and miss all that love has to teach us.
Speak to us of Children…
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends you with his might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness; for even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves also the bow that is stable.
Something to be put in the ears of parents. As a parent myself I have grasped the fact that my child(ren) will be an entity within themselves apart from others but with an influence from me that I pray will guide them along the path to wholeness. I don’t want another me. Because if I create another me I’m only dooming them to make the same mistakes I have. Nor do I want to command this without explanation as a means to prevent them from repeating my past. Rather I hope to present myself with vulnerability and integrity so that my children will learn from me vicariously. And through my openness I pray that they will be able to be just as open with me. This openness set fort through dialogue will be the foundation of the beginning to the preparation of setting the arrow on the bow. But as God the Archer and me the bow prepare to launch my children the arrows it’s necessary that the wood of the bow is strong and thread of the bow is tight. For how far will an arrow travel if its only mechanism for distance isn’t prepared for the job, even with an expert and brawny archer?
Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow…
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was often times filled with your tears… The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into you heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in you heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some say joy is greater than sorrow and others say nay, sorrow is the greater. But I say …they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon you bed… you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joys or your sorrow rise or fall.
I believe that joy can be every-present and all feelings are experienced with joy but joy allows us to overcome all unpleasant feelings. Yet I do believe that many times if we think of things that have given us sorrow we could realize they have also allowed us to maneuver through life with new-found emotional agility. My son has brought me both pain and heartache but he is also what allowed me to find joy. Because I was hollowed out with the knife of insecurity and burned in the potter’s oven of adversity I am a woman on a journey of growth doing my best to make my bow as strong as I possibly can.
Speak to us of Houses…
Have you peace, the quiet urge that reveals your power? Have you remembrances, the glimmering arches that span the summits of the mind? Have you beauty, that leads the heart from things fashioned of woods and stone to the holy mountain…Or have you only comfort, and the lust for comfort, that stealthy things that enters the house a guest, and then becomes host, and then a master? Ay, and it becomes a tamer, and with hook and scourge makes puppets of your larger desires…the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral. But you, children of space, you restless in rest, you shall not be trapped nor tamed. Your house shall be not an anchor but a mast.
Many people see their places of residence as a symbol of social and financial status. As owners of these symbols many of us will do our best to give the allusion of stability, control, intellect, and luxury. These exhaustive efforts anchor us in a state of living for those who visit or look upon our homes rather than for us the home owners. These efforts in the shape of puppets are vain and unsuccessful attempts to achieve a since of peace and pleasantry through material wealth. In our efforts to reach internal tranquility through material symbols our inner selves will die of asphyxiation from lack of pensiveness.
* Only about half way through the book. More to come…
The book is called The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, a Middle Eastern writer born in the late 1800’s. The book begins with the Prophet preparing to leave Orphalese on his way to Almustafa, the place of his birth. The townspeople are so dependant on his knowledge to get them through everyday life that they bombard him with questions before his departure. You begin to wonder if they are trying their best to keep him there or just trying to get all the knowledge they can before he leaves but since he has been their for twelve years one would think that they… never have taken advantage of his knowledge and never asked him direct questions before, have always asked questions but didn’t commit the lessons to memory and put them into practice, and/or have yet to sit down and think about the answers to their questions themselves so that they may reach the level of contemplation and revelation that the Prophet has. And it’s not like he is actually prophesizing. No one’s particular future is being told. He has studied the progression of people and nature within their given environments and gave his opinion and I think he is right on the money. The townspeople offer a series of questions (“Prophet, speak of…) and he responds:
Speak to us of Love…
When love beckons to you, follow him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north winds lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning…So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked…All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor.
Many people say love isn’t easy and use that as a reason to withstand an abusive and/or unfulfilling marriage but the character is speaking to the opposite. Who ever claims to love us should be capable of making us better people. And if we understand that, then we should allow that growth, but with growth comes growing pains. It’s challenging to look at ourselves spiritually and emotionally naked, when we are with ourselves in the quietest of times and recognize our faults. Those who love us should be able to help us shed that skin in a gentle and loving way so that we may become the people God has intended for us to be. Many of us want to “fall in love” with a relentless amount of unbridled pleasure without the quest for a deeper sense of self and the world around them. The prophet is saying true love, real love crowns us as kings and queens but with that crown come obligations to the throne. But not until we are about to truly take a strong and honest inventory of ourselves are we able to fully enjoy and appreciate the throne we sit upon or the person we are suppose to share a kingdom with. Also nakedness takes a grade of courage rarely seen in our pleasure-seeking world. As Adam and Eve worked to hide their nakedness so do those in fear of exposing themselves and the world to the possible ugliness we harbor deep within us. That which is pretty is relatively easy to present for that is what we are taught to do, “put our best foot forward” implying that anything that isn’t spot-free isn’t worth consideration. And if we believe that it isn’t worth addressing then we won’t. As the character says, “then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor” and miss all that love has to teach us.
Speak to us of Children…
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends you with his might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness; for even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves also the bow that is stable.
Something to be put in the ears of parents. As a parent myself I have grasped the fact that my child(ren) will be an entity within themselves apart from others but with an influence from me that I pray will guide them along the path to wholeness. I don’t want another me. Because if I create another me I’m only dooming them to make the same mistakes I have. Nor do I want to command this without explanation as a means to prevent them from repeating my past. Rather I hope to present myself with vulnerability and integrity so that my children will learn from me vicariously. And through my openness I pray that they will be able to be just as open with me. This openness set fort through dialogue will be the foundation of the beginning to the preparation of setting the arrow on the bow. But as God the Archer and me the bow prepare to launch my children the arrows it’s necessary that the wood of the bow is strong and thread of the bow is tight. For how far will an arrow travel if its only mechanism for distance isn’t prepared for the job, even with an expert and brawny archer?
Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow…
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was often times filled with your tears… The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into you heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful, look again in you heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some say joy is greater than sorrow and others say nay, sorrow is the greater. But I say …they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon you bed… you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joys or your sorrow rise or fall.
I believe that joy can be every-present and all feelings are experienced with joy but joy allows us to overcome all unpleasant feelings. Yet I do believe that many times if we think of things that have given us sorrow we could realize they have also allowed us to maneuver through life with new-found emotional agility. My son has brought me both pain and heartache but he is also what allowed me to find joy. Because I was hollowed out with the knife of insecurity and burned in the potter’s oven of adversity I am a woman on a journey of growth doing my best to make my bow as strong as I possibly can.
Speak to us of Houses…
Have you peace, the quiet urge that reveals your power? Have you remembrances, the glimmering arches that span the summits of the mind? Have you beauty, that leads the heart from things fashioned of woods and stone to the holy mountain…Or have you only comfort, and the lust for comfort, that stealthy things that enters the house a guest, and then becomes host, and then a master? Ay, and it becomes a tamer, and with hook and scourge makes puppets of your larger desires…the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral. But you, children of space, you restless in rest, you shall not be trapped nor tamed. Your house shall be not an anchor but a mast.
Many people see their places of residence as a symbol of social and financial status. As owners of these symbols many of us will do our best to give the allusion of stability, control, intellect, and luxury. These exhaustive efforts anchor us in a state of living for those who visit or look upon our homes rather than for us the home owners. These efforts in the shape of puppets are vain and unsuccessful attempts to achieve a since of peace and pleasantry through material wealth. In our efforts to reach internal tranquility through material symbols our inner selves will die of asphyxiation from lack of pensiveness.
* Only about half way through the book. More to come…
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Escapist mode
Today I really feel like I’m in escapist mode. Escapism is a term in sociology that refers to a state of mind that allows one to “escape” from reality or current situation and into a fantasy world that doesn’t remind them or reference their current “real” state. For example, many say the news media is in escapist mode because we are in a war but the majority of the news topics are focusing on frivolous things like who is Anna Nicole Smith’s baby-daddy. Well my escapism is beginning to rear its ugly head because there are a lot of things that are about to come up and I have to get a lot done in a short amount of time and rather than dealing with it I’d rather go to a party, the movies or something other than what I need to do. I recently came to this conclusion today. I thought I was just tired but that isn’t the case only (because I am tired). What is it that is coming up you ask? Well, one of my thesis committee members wants me to have my literature review for my thesis done in two weeks. Now granted I had all quarter to do this but I JUST finish ALL the books he told me read and I have all of 1 ½ pages complete in a minimum 20 page paper. Next, I’m supposed to be going on the ski trip which should relieve some stress right? Well the travel company that is coordinating it is slightly boot-leg and unprofessional and I’ve been trying to straighten everything (as if I AM the travel company) so that all the people I asked to come and that are flying in from Florida, driving from Cincinnati, and DC will have a good time and won’t look at me like “this trip was slightly wack” and it wasn’t my fault but I will feel as if it is partially because I asked them to come. But even if everything goes well on the trip I have a final exam to take the day after the trip! I didn’t know this and couldn’t have known this before I agreed to go on the trip because I paid the non-refundable deposit before I even had the class I have now. So I have to bust my butt and study this week so I can be prepared once we drive back on the 6 hour trip. It doesn’t end there. The day of the test my cousin is flying in from Florida with my son. Now I want my so here and I asked her to bring him its just that my teacher decided to have the class presentation day the week after my cousin leaves my son here. Which means I have to either put this presentation before he gets here thus before the ski thus THIS WEEK along with studying for the exam. But in addition, I have been look for day cares for him when he gets here. Now this wasn’t as bad as it was the first time I did this but the daycare director was giving me a hard time about the times I need him to be there. I’m in a program in which the government helps with the cost of daycare and she said she won’t allow my son to come there unless he is there all day so it would be worth the trouble since the government will only pay like $.60 to $.40 on the dollar. I don’t want him in daycare all day so she said I could be there with him but he has to stay there all day. That’s a bit of an issue. Why? Because I can’t get anything done! Can’t work on my thesis cook or clean while he is asleep. But the only other option is for him to go part-time and I pay the regular price which is about $180 a week…yes I said a week and that is something I just can’t do. My professor said his daycare is like a second mortgage and he is right. Now, since my son is coming back up here I debated whether or not I should inform my son’s grandparents for his father’s side since they have been very nice to me and my son and wanted to see him. Now the fact that they want to see him isn’t the big deal it that the grandfather asked me how would I feel about my son’s father coming with the family. I told him I’d rather him not come but I said I would never say he couldn’t see his son so he is going to bring him. His father just brings such a negative atmosphere with him that I’d rather just not be around him and who knows what foolishness is going to come out of mouth that I have to hear.
But of course that isn’t all. My rent is going up at my apartment complex so I didn’t renew my lease. I found out about this program for single parents in which the state will help them may for housing is certain areas. Some of these areas are what some affectionately call “the projects”, some are decent housing and others are regular housing that simply accept the voucher from the state. I found out that one of these places is family housing on campus. I was very excited about that since all the other places were suspect at best. So I call campus a few months ago to find out if they had any openings. They said that they don’t have any two bedrooms but they do have a bunch of one-bedrooms so no big rush to sign up for one since so few people request one-bedrooms. I was thinking my son and I can make it in a one-bedroom. So I said I would sign up a little later since my lease didn’t end until the beginning of March. I then went across town to sign up for this voucher program. They said it is a 60-90 day waiting list but the lady said it maybe on 30 days for me, maybe since where I was asked to live wasn’t “the projects” which has a long waiting list. Well that was the beginning of January and its almost March and I’m still not even in the system to be place on the list to be given a voucher. I can’t renew my lease and just move when I get the voucher, because, ahh, I signed a lease! The only option was is to move in to the one-bedroom and pay full price until I get the voucher. So go I to sign up for housing on campus and they ask me if I have any dependants I say yes, they then say I can’t get a one bedroom for an adult and child people because its Ohio law, I have to get a two-bedroom. Well that wouldn’t be a big deal if the two-bedroom waiting list wasn’t 5 months long. So what to do. I have to move out of this apartment and into something in two weeks with my son. I could sneak and live in a one bedroom with my son and put myself on the waiting list for the two-bedroom and move when the two-bedroom in available and no one ever knows (FYI a little illegal …don’t know the repercussions). Or move into the one-bedroom send my son back to my mother get on the waiting list for the two-bedroom move into the two-bedroom fly back and get my son from my mother and have my voucher. That’s what it looks like I have to do. Oh yeah I forgot I have to find a date for all of my thesis committee members to meet with me so that I can tell them what I have done, what I am doing, and what I am going to do in regards to my thesis. There has yet to be a date that they all can met and doesn’t interfere with class. Another presentation to prepare. And I can’t foget that I told the middle school students that I was going to have a summer animation camp for them at the ACCAD center on campus which I must organize. I found funding which is the hardest and I have a basic agenda, I just need solid volunteers the help out. The good thing about this is that I don’t have to worry about this too much until spring quarter.
So let’s recap…
1) Final Exam
2) Final presentation
3) 20 pages literature review
4) Move from this apartment
5) Move into another apartment
6) Day care
7) Son coming
8) Ski trip
9) Thesis presentation
All to be done in about 2 weeks. It can be done. Its just all a little overwhelming at times… like right now when I have actually written it down. I’ll see how it pans out.
But of course that isn’t all. My rent is going up at my apartment complex so I didn’t renew my lease. I found out about this program for single parents in which the state will help them may for housing is certain areas. Some of these areas are what some affectionately call “the projects”, some are decent housing and others are regular housing that simply accept the voucher from the state. I found out that one of these places is family housing on campus. I was very excited about that since all the other places were suspect at best. So I call campus a few months ago to find out if they had any openings. They said that they don’t have any two bedrooms but they do have a bunch of one-bedrooms so no big rush to sign up for one since so few people request one-bedrooms. I was thinking my son and I can make it in a one-bedroom. So I said I would sign up a little later since my lease didn’t end until the beginning of March. I then went across town to sign up for this voucher program. They said it is a 60-90 day waiting list but the lady said it maybe on 30 days for me, maybe since where I was asked to live wasn’t “the projects” which has a long waiting list. Well that was the beginning of January and its almost March and I’m still not even in the system to be place on the list to be given a voucher. I can’t renew my lease and just move when I get the voucher, because, ahh, I signed a lease! The only option was is to move in to the one-bedroom and pay full price until I get the voucher. So go I to sign up for housing on campus and they ask me if I have any dependants I say yes, they then say I can’t get a one bedroom for an adult and child people because its Ohio law, I have to get a two-bedroom. Well that wouldn’t be a big deal if the two-bedroom waiting list wasn’t 5 months long. So what to do. I have to move out of this apartment and into something in two weeks with my son. I could sneak and live in a one bedroom with my son and put myself on the waiting list for the two-bedroom and move when the two-bedroom in available and no one ever knows (FYI a little illegal …don’t know the repercussions). Or move into the one-bedroom send my son back to my mother get on the waiting list for the two-bedroom move into the two-bedroom fly back and get my son from my mother and have my voucher. That’s what it looks like I have to do. Oh yeah I forgot I have to find a date for all of my thesis committee members to meet with me so that I can tell them what I have done, what I am doing, and what I am going to do in regards to my thesis. There has yet to be a date that they all can met and doesn’t interfere with class. Another presentation to prepare. And I can’t foget that I told the middle school students that I was going to have a summer animation camp for them at the ACCAD center on campus which I must organize. I found funding which is the hardest and I have a basic agenda, I just need solid volunteers the help out. The good thing about this is that I don’t have to worry about this too much until spring quarter.
So let’s recap…
1) Final Exam
2) Final presentation
3) 20 pages literature review
4) Move from this apartment
5) Move into another apartment
6) Day care
7) Son coming
8) Ski trip
9) Thesis presentation
All to be done in about 2 weeks. It can be done. Its just all a little overwhelming at times… like right now when I have actually written it down. I’ll see how it pans out.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
30+ things to do before I'm 30!!!
I saw this lady on the Rachel Ray show a few weeks ago and she made a 30-things-before-I'm-30 list and I thought, "What a great idea!" So I'm going to start it now. I'm sure I have 30 things to-do things maybe more!
1) DONE! Get my Masters, Spring 2010!
2) DONE! Have a garden - summer 2007...but no pics. Another to come!
3) Be the founder of a non-profit
4) Make a snowman
5) Own some stock and have a better understanding of the stock market
6) DONE! Own some property - Own a house , closed May 27th 2010!
7) Be a card-carrying member of my son's PTA-He's not even in school yet but he will be in a few years
8) Be a professor at a university and/or and art teacher at a middle school for a few years
9) Visit Africa DONE June 13th - July 4th 2008, Ghana West Africa 
10) Go white water rafting
11) DONE! Go Skiing March 3rd 2007 Lawrenceburg, Indiana
12) Go to a professional basketball game
15) DONE!!! Attend/be in a Caribbean festival (in Trinidad, Haiti, Jamacia, St Lucia etc one of those) Attended Caribana (July 31-Aug1 2008 Toronto, CA! Was IN the Miami, FL carnival Oct 12th 2008...close enough :-)
16) Run a 1/2 marathon
17) Go hiking in some exotic place
18) Fly somewhere first class
19) Take a pole dancing/stripper class
20) Create an art camp for young black students DONE July 7- August 8th 2008 Creative Journalism Newspaper with Africentric school
21) Take a picture of or with 10 famous people 
1. Bobby Seale of Black Panthers and my boobs (bad photographer)
2. Sonia Sanchez, activist, poet
3. Harold Ford Jr. former congressman
4. John Legend
5. Finesse, comedian and writer
22) Publish two articles
23) See The Lion King live
24) Catch a fish/Go fishing DONE Summer 2007
YAY I caught one!
1) DONE! Get my Masters, Spring 2010!
2) DONE! Have a garden - summer 2007...but no pics. Another to come!
3) Be the founder of a non-profit
4) Make a snowman
5) Own some stock and have a better understanding of the stock market
6) DONE! Own some property - Own a house , closed May 27th 2010!
7) Be a card-carrying member of my son's PTA-He's not even in school yet but he will be in a few years
8) Be a professor at a university and/or and art teacher at a middle school for a few years
9) Visit Africa DONE June 13th - July 4th 2008, Ghana West Africa
10) Go white water rafting
11) DONE! Go Skiing March 3rd 2007 Lawrenceburg, Indiana
12) Go to a professional basketball game
13) Wear a size 12 
14) See the Color Purple Play - Done 2009
15) DONE!!! Attend/be in a Caribbean festival (in Trinidad, Haiti, Jamacia, St Lucia etc one of those) Attended Caribana (July 31-Aug1 2008 Toronto, CA! Was IN the Miami, FL carnival Oct 12th 2008...close enough :-)
16) Run a 1/2 marathon
17) Go hiking in some exotic place
18) Fly somewhere first class
19) Take a pole dancing/stripper class
20) Create an art camp for young black students DONE July 7- August 8th 2008 Creative Journalism Newspaper with Africentric school
21) Take a picture of or with 10 famous people
1. Bobby Seale of Black Panthers and my boobs (bad photographer)
2. Sonia Sanchez, activist, poet
3. Harold Ford Jr. former congressman
4. John Legend
5. Finesse, comedian and writer
22) Publish two articles
23) See The Lion King live
24) Catch a fish/Go fishing DONE Summer 2007
YAY I caught one!
25) Learn how to drive a motorcycle/ or just ride on one
26) Read the bible from cover to cover
27) Drive in another country on the left side of the road
28) Learn how to ballroom dance
29) Ride an elephant
30) Pet a dangerous animal
DONE Spring 2007 rattle snake...I think.
26) Read the bible from cover to cover
27) Drive in another country on the left side of the road
28) Learn how to ballroom dance
29) Ride an elephant
30) Pet a dangerous animal
DONE Spring 2007 rattle snake...I think.31) See Earth Wind and Fire/Frankie Beverley and Maze in Concert DONE! Cincinnati Jazz Festival July 2008
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