Fortress People: A letter to my “landlord”

To my "landlord":

I'm not sure if another discussion about our interactions would be productive. But, I don't often leave situations without addressing them. If you were anyone else I would ask for us to have a discussion but instead I have opted to write this so that you may see where I am coming from. This is not to encourage a discussion, but if you find it necessary then I will participate.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. And those occurrences come about for us learn how to better understand ourselves and understand others, thus making our ways of maneuvering through this world easier and more productive. What has been happening is that I continue to come in contact with persons I have recently deemed "fortress people." These people are not people I simply pass by or a meet somewhere, each of these people has, in some form (been in a relationship with, lived with…something), has been a part of my intimate space: My son's father, Jonathan, and you. Because this continues to happen, God/the universe is telling me that I am supposed to learn something from each of these individuals and I need to learn how to deal with them, because there is something in my future where will have to intimately deal with a "fortress person": A future mate, a business partner, or my son. I pray to God it's not Langston or my future husband but that is more so for me to think about and find out, and not to discuss here.

So what do I mean by "fortress person" and what have I learned about them? Fortress people tend to be emotionally immature, in that they don't embrace all emotions and those that they do, they don't want to express or openly embrace the emotions' full capacity [they don't mind being sad but to be depressed (however you define it) is going too far. They don't mind loving someone but to be deeply in love may be disturbing]. In my experience, "fortress people" think a lot about their feelings and associate a set of logic that they feel should correspond with those feelings. They don't see thinking and feeling as mutually exclusive, rather the former being logical, rational, and "right" and the latter being illogical, irrational, and can leave one too vulnerable for decisions that may not be in their best "common sense" interest. They spend so much time and brain power separating the two, when in reality one drives the other. Often times that which they deem rational and logical is directly tied to what we feel. To give a somewhat drastic example, many thought it logical for blacks to be separate from whites. That "logic" was grounded in centuries of "scientific" articles experiments (eugenics movement seen in the US, Brazil and Europe, enlightenment theories, social Darwinism etc). There was plenty of "logic" that grounded those ideas but they were really driven by how people felt. How they felt about their social, political, and economic standing and how that would be troubled by other equally capable people possible impeding on their opportunities for success etc.

Although "fortress people" do think a lot about emotions, they tend to not do a few things. They think about their emotions on a very surface level. And when they do think about it, most of the thought is focused on how to stop feeling that way and how to not feel that way again. They don't really "sit inside" those feelings and pick apart the history that may be tied to them. Because they don't take the time to really shift through to get to a deeper meaning and they focus on trying to not feel that way anymore, their reactions or proposed solutions are quick for immediate gratification. Someone made them feel a certain way, so they do something to that person to make themselves feel better. An emotional bully. My mom used to say when I was in school "people pick on other people in order to make themselves feel better." So the bully picking on the other person had less to do with the person (they are just the bully's outlet) but more to do with the bully, whether the bully realizes it or not. So, the "fortress person" "lashes out" in some form. That form usually lies somewhere in a tangent from immature to malicious. The interesting thing about "fortress people" is that they don't see it that way. Their actions were really for them to feel better. But what they discover, is that there is another person involved and another set of feelings involved. Then when the other person's feelings, which are often negative (possible hurt), the "fortress person" has some type of revelation. As if they didn't realized their actions has an effect on other people. They then often feel some type of embarrassment or shame. Because at the time of their "bully-ing" the only person they were really thinking about was themselves. They weren't trying to be malicious, but that doesn't mean that aren't. If they took the time to dig deeper into why they retaliated (or why they retaliate at all) in such a way, then they would find more productive solutions. Often times it deals with a history (or a set of histories) that they may have never considered. These histories have laid the foundation for how they feel about themselves and how that determines (and compromises) how they operate within the world. For example, my son's father has treated me terribly. He has even said that I have done nothing to him but he continues to be rude, uncaring, obnoxious, and overall immature about being a father. Although it is difficult for me to not take his actions personally, I know his actions have less to do with me and more to do with him even though he doesn't realize it.

Langston was not planned, and he and I were not in a relationship. This is not how he expected to have his child. So that made him angry. I didn't have an abortion like he wanted. He couldn't be in control. So he lashed out. But I didn't. His parents did not have a healthy relationship. And he has friends who, the mother of their child(ren), is using that child as a pawn to get more resources (money etc) attention etc. He also doesn't have a high self-esteem. His college education, his car, and his physical appearance is what he uses to feel good about himself and what he uses to attract people (women) to him. Therefore, his interactions with me are coming from an emotional place where he doesn't feel completely apt as a father because he doesn't feel prepared (emotionally, economically, geographically, etc) to be the father that he wants to be (and maybe never had). His limited interactions with positive independent woman forces him to only see me in a limited "my son equals a paycheck" type way. By getting to know me as the mother of his child and not some women he "got pregnant" will force him to interact with me in a way that may make him vulnerable and put him in a space that he isn't very familiar with. I have tried, to no avail, to do things that help him to change that perspective. To let him know that I don't operate that way in hopes of him trying harder to be a better father. I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't understand why he would continue to be crass and heartless. Then a met Jonathan and you and it became very clear.

Its important to really focus on people's history to put them and their actions into perspective. Things have happened in "fortress people's" lives that have made them question their worth. Made them feel bad as a person. And it started at a relatively young age. It can be anything from being picked-on in school to being in an abusive home (physically and/or emotionally/verbally abusive. It must also be noted that a lack of deep and sincere love by those who are said to love you the most, can be perceived as a passive abuse). These various forms of abuse troubles the fortress person's self-worth. Their negative experiences have made them think excessively about who they are, what they are in relation to these negative experiences. They have determined that they will never feel that way again. So fortress people move through life feeling very vulnerable. They often think of themselves as being more vulnerable than the average person. So its important that they protect themselves. That often manifests in being very controlling. They want to control their space and those who are in it. Which isn't too surprising that they often enter into occupations that offer them a sense of control (law, science and other empirical/positivist-like occupations). This false sense of control comes from the desire to control something because there are things or have been things in their lives that they felt they couldn't control. This lack of control resorted in, at best hurtful and at worst traumatic, outcomes. Therefore they have built a fortress. Not a castle. A fortress. What is interesting about a fort (like those made centuries ago) is that its purpose is to be a place to live but it purpose really is to protect those inside from battle. With a fort, everything is taken into account. It should be close to the ocean so attackers cannot sneak up on them. The attackers can't pull up to the shore because the boat is large and must anchor far away. The fort should have cannons all around the fortress especially facing the ocean just in case they do try to make in attack. The fort should sit on a hill so possible attackers can be seen far away. And just in case they do make it pass the cannons or they aren't seen from a distance, there is a deep mote that surrounds the fortress. Along with seven story walls made of stone and a gate with sharp large metal protruding cones to prevent anyone from using a log or bodies to break through.

In the same way, fortress people focus their energy on creating an emotional space that protects them. They tweak their personality that helps them ward off most people (consciously or subconsciously)… often time seen as (consciously or subconsciously) as potential attackers. Therefore, fortress people's controlling ways, dismissive attitudes, and selfishness feels necessary to them. And I use the word feel purposefully. The foundation of the fortress is made up of experiences and feelings produced by those experiences. Those experiences have motivated them to move through life in a way that they believe is logical and rational based on feelings that they haven't recognized or may know are there but don't' want to deal with. Feelings are ignored because a substantial part of their "feeling history" is not positive. Or at least they perceive it as such. Because that's to say that people who aren't fortress people haven't had unfortunate life experiences. They have. Most people have. But its about accessing the tools to deal with those experiences. And that can't happen while in the fortress.

So because "fortress people" perceive themselves to be vulnerable they are often hyper-sensitive to anything that makes them feel a way that they don't want to. For example, while in the fortress, the occupant hears something hit the wall outside. It ignites in them a series of emotions and questions: What's that noise? Whose outside? Why are they attacking me? They feel anger, confusion, worry, anxiety, frustration, concern…fear. They then deploy the cannon and kill/harm whoever whatever was outside. They see that the noise has stopped, so the fortress occupant feels better but they also see that the "attacker" has been harmed. It was the "logical" move. Now this "attacker" outside is yelling in pain because they have been harmed. You look outside and find out that it was some kids playing soccer and the ball hit the wall. Now the fortress-er feels bad. The fortress person had this reaction because they are… in a fortress. There is a certain mentality that accompanies living in such a place. Always ready and prepared for battle. Always on the look-out for things/people who may not make them feel secure. If they didn't feel that way, they wouldn't have built the fort.

The difference in someone living in a house is that they hear a noise and ask, What's that noise? Whose outside? They may feel anger, confusion, worry, anxiety, frustration, concern and fear. … but they then go look. Its them facing their fear. Its making sure that a complete understanding of the situation is understood before any action is taken. Anything from "If you all need a place to play I would rather you all go to the back" to "Get outta my yard!" No one is hurt. For me that is the "logical" and "rational" approach. For me, deploying the cannon ball so quickly is an act of emotions. The very thing fortress people pride themselves on avoiding.

There is one thing that is different about the set of questions that went on in the fortress person's head and the person in the house. The fortress person asked Why are they attacking me? That is an automatic defense mode that, as we found out, didn't need to be charged. You thought I was being rude because I didn't put the computer back the way I found it. So to "get back at" me you created a situation where I couldn't use the computer. An emotional reaction. You deployed the cannon to make yourself feel better. A bully of sorts. From my perceptive, I saw that you have left the computer in two places: the living room and the office. So, in my mind, it didn't matter where I left the computer as long as it was left in places where you have left it. I would have thought it was rude if I used the computer and left it in my room, in the kitchen, in the basement or someplace where you wouldn't know to look for it. I thought I was being a responsible user of your things. Just like the kids thought they were being responsible and played soccer outside instead inside of their homes. But their decision cost them physical harm because someone deployed the cannon when that really didn't need to happen.

But what makes this odder and challenging for me to understand is that the fortress person, who wants to veer away from many emotions, often creates situations where they have to feel more emotions or address negative emotions more than they wish to. Now the fortress person (because they aren't intentional bad people) feels the need to go outside, face the little boy they just harmed, help him, take him to the doctor, apologize etc. All of that could have been avoided if the fortress-er reacted to the noise differently. Just looked outside to see what was happening. Fortress people avoid fear. Fear of being hurt, possibly feeling the hurt they once felt before.

I feel as though I can safely say I'm a good person. And I give people chances. Give them the benefit of the doubt. But in my experiences, giving fortress people such considerations does not result in anything productive. When I did want to continue a friendship with Jonathan, I felt myself having to build that same fort because who knows what he is going to say. I was then wondering when is he going to say something hurtful not if. I'm done with dodging cannons deployed by people who react to situations that I didn't even know existed. Me thinking to myself "How is putting a computer back where she puts it something rude? How am I being rude to her if I have my paper neatly stacked in a communal space that she rarely uses and she deliberately leaves communal spaces untidy (i.e. the blankets in the office, told me about a loud party last minute when I had work to do, the spaghetti sauce all over the stove that I cleanup and didn't say anything about) but I'm being inconsiderate?" So, for me, interacting with fortress people is much like playing Russian roulette. It has the ability to build anxiety in me that I don't need or want because, even though I have an understanding of where fortress-ers are coming from, that doesn't mean the canons hurt any less or make situations any more comfortable for me, and doesn't make their actions any less immature or malicious (regardless of whatever they perceive their intentions to be). So, as I said, I don't think a discussion is going to be productive because I belive that, at best, there will be acknowledgement that the canon shouldn't have been deployed and thoughts or promises of working on not reacting in such away in the future will be said, but its inevitable that it will. Canons will stop being deployed when they come out of the fortress and that is a life changing experience. I can't change anyone's life.

It's not fun living as if you're in a literal fortress/prison, it's no fun living in anxiety, and it not fun living in a space where you feel unwanted. So, I am doing my best to leave as soon as possible, to stay as low key as possible, and to use a little of your things as possible. I hope that this keeps the peace… or at least some semblance of it.

Thanks for reading,

Melissa