Moving away from the train and eating peanut butter and jelly :-)

I realize women continue to run back to horrible dudes that are always doggin’ them. Because it’s easier. Or at least in theory or in their mind its easier. Why easier? Bad relationships are like trains going full speed ahead straight for our hearts. We keep getting hit because it’s easier to brace for a train that you know is coming than to get hit out of no where. If she truly believes that most relationships won’t workout for her or that she will always be hit by a train, she might as well face the train that she can see coming since she will be standing on the tracks anyway. But why doesn’t she just get off the tracks and step into the patch of grass to the left of the train track? Because that’s unknown territory. All kinds of vehicles can drive on grass (cars, trucks, motorcycles, buses, four-wheelers etc.) She doesn’t know how to brace for those. And they don’t have a stable course like the train tracks. In this patch of grass the other vehicles can come from any direction at any speed, or multiple vehicles at time. Her fear is that she might come out worse in this space that looks so unstable. Why is that? Standing on the train tracks you are guaranteed only one train in a certain spot at certain time. It’s like a false sense of control. Most people think “All she has to do is step off the tracks and she won’t get hit.” The train won’t follow her, it will just keep going to hit someone else. There are no trees or anything to block her view of the train so she saw it coming a mile away thus she prepared herself, (or so she thought) for this blow head on. But what she never realized or even thought about while she was preparing for the train was that this whole time (minutes… hours…years…) she has been on these tracks waiting for the train and scared of the grass, she never saw a bus, car, motorcycle, bicycle, or four wheeler pass by, and even if they were to come and hit her it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as the train. And if they did enter that patch of grass, unlike the train, she could stop them; they could brake before they damaged her even more. She could have a chat with the driver and explain her fear of collision. He could then get off his bike and have a discussion about her past train wrecks because he could see her dismembered. They would discuss how he wasn’t trying to hit her while he was driving on the patch of grass but for some reason she made a point not to get out of his way. She would say, she was only trying to get back to feeling the way she most prepared for…collision. She would then stop seeing these vehicles as modes of repeated emotional destruction but rather as modes of secure transportation. Ways of getting her as far away from the train tracks a possible. I recognize the train tracks in my space and I recognize the grassy patch full of opportunity. Most would stay on the tracks in fear of what lie in store for them just to the left of the railroad. But I would consider myself more adventurous, optimistic, and logical than that. I have hesitantly walked to the grass with extreme caution. With eyes wide open looking for something fast to come out of no where and knock my heart out my chest again. The guy I’m dating is like that passer-by that came out of no where on his motorcycle. He stopped, turned his bike off, and just so happened to have a nice bagged lunch for two in his bike compartment. We sit eating all the while I’m looking to see if the bike is going to fall on my leg or if there is poison in the peanut butter and jelly sandwich (lol) instead of relaxing in the grass and taking in the spring air. And when the meal is finished he could either say “It was nice having lunch with you” and drive away or he could ask and I could agree to hop on the back of the bike and ride away with him. Either way I didn’t get hit and I got a nice meal out of the deal. More than I could say I got away from the train. I could be concerned with my appearance because maybe just maybe if I look nice then the train or anything else would be less likely to hit me. But that isn’t logical. As if pretty women don’t stand on railroad tracks and as if trains would magically be able to not be a train and stop on a dime. They would still be an on-coming train and that would be expecting the impossible (although I’m still checking for moldy bread on the sandwich he brought to the grassy patch). I am trying to …I am enjoying the sunny day and the nice breeze. I hope that he is patient with me as I try to get to a point where enjoying his presence, the food, and surroundings become natural. I’m not trying to get back on the tracks nor am I looking for another cyclist. I’m recognizing the environment and eating slowly :-)