Boundaries

God is soo interesting. His precision and attention to detail and miraculous level of patience is beyond of comprehension…

For the past few months I have been watching Joyce Meyer’s show in the evenings before I go to bed. We studied one of her books in Sunday school (didn’t really read it…sorry). But somehow she stuck with me more than any other author we studied. During the end of her T.V. program she informed her readers of her latest book “Living Beyond Your Feelings.” Somehow, I can’t remember the name of any other book she announced but that book stuck with me. Something told me (the Holy Spirit) “You need to get that…” I passively agreed.

About a month later another one of her books “Battlefield of the Mind” happened to be mentioned in my bible study group. One member said to me “Melissa, you would like that book.” Out of however many books were mentioned, that stuck with me. I had an overwhelming urge one day to buy it. I prayed about it and fasted until I finished it. Seven intense days. Weeks later I eventually bought “Living Beyond Your Feelings” audio book. Our new Sunday school book is called “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.” I just finished the first two chapters and it has already blown my mind. These three books TOGETHER, being read consecutively has been a beckon of light. A continuous part of my self-revelation journey.

I recently left a relationship. By far the most difficult situation I have been in. Let’s call him Anthony. Although I do (and did in the relationship) place much blame upon him for our challenges, I must take responsibility for my thinking, feelings, and lack of boundaries.

1. Being nice out of fear isn’t working. At least once a week Anthony would be angry about something. He would yell, be frustrated, and once implied that he would do physical harm. Never did, but implied. Knowing his temperament I learned (for the most part) to be calm and quiet during these fits of rage. Also every holiday there was something he yelled about… Sweetest Day, Valentine’s Day, his birthday, I spent a decent amount of money on his birthday gift. At this point I paid my mortgage two months ahead so I had a little extra month to spend. I bought tickets to a show and jacket he selected. He yelled at me for spending too much money. I hoped in getting him tickets to something he liked and a jacket he picked would “smooth his edges….” Not so. I remember spending Mother’s Day in a nice restaurant after his fit of rage being silent most of the meal. Then being angry that my son had to see him talk to me in that way and me saying nothing about it in front of him. Once I rented a hotel room when we were living together, just to get out of the intensity of the house. I said we needed to live in separate spaces. He said we should break up if I am kicking him out, and I said fine. He later said during few emotional moments that he knew we were supposed to be together, he was sorry, and that we should be married. I wasn’t sure. I felt like “I could help him…this is what relationship work is…right?” Not so…

2. Self-control not “other-control.” Although I have consistently said I am not in the business of changing people, in this instance, I saw relationship work as an “Anthony Project.” And I thought it was ok since he said “You have to work on me.” But God tells us that we are responsible to others not for others. It is my responsibility to aide others within the boundaries God has set. God says “guard your heart with diligence for it is the well-spring of life.” I can’t “help” an enraged partner if it is abusive… If it doesn’t allow for me to guard my heart but only hurts it.

“Anthony Project” Theme Song: Adele “Make You Feel My Love”



3. Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries. In the “Boundaries” workbook it asks two questions: Where are you watering someone else’s yard while your own grass withers and dies? Where are you letting someone else water your yard? The “Anthony Project” would be me watering his yard. I would be giving him the love and affection he desires while white-knuckling through his verbal and emotional abuse in hopes that he would be loved so much that he would be a better person…which really meant, being the person I wanted him to be. Then all the stress and white-knuckling would have been worth it… right? Not so. Ultimately, his “change” would be so that he could water my yard upon command/request. I expected him to make me feel better when I didn’t. Whenever I was overwhelmed, tired, sad, had a bad day at school/work, with Langston or something I wanted him to be the cheerleader. Tell me everything is going to be alright. That I’m doing a great job and to help me wherever I needed him…making sure the house was clean, fixing dinner etc. Now, I do believe in helping each other. And I do very much believe that there were times when Anthony really should have done more BUT I should not have laid the burden of making me happy at his feet. Many times, I felt overwhelmed because I was simply doing too much and wasn’t managing my time well. He would say, “why do I have to clean up now just because you want me too?” “Or why do I have the responsibility of doing X,Y, and Z when you aren’t fulfilling your duties?” In his way, he was setting his boundaries. And although it felt unloving at the time (and still does), I have a better understanding. My challenge with his boundary setting is how he set them. To yell, “YOU shouldn’t have taken on so much! If you didn’t get dinner made and the kitchen clean that’s your fault!”is not productive or loving. As opposed to, “I will help you in x,y and z ways that I know will support you but I am not going to overextend myself because you chose to. I do want to help but let’s work on self-control when taking on new projects and some time management skills.” It may have felt harsh but it would have been true and I would not have been able to deny his caring gestures, ability to set his own boundaries, AND how I was not going to be enabled in continuing to keep an unhealthy busy schedule.

4. God designed a world where we all live, “within” ourselves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up “us.”
a. “Victims of physical and sexual abuse often have a poor sense of boundaries. Early in life they were taught that their property did not really begin at their skin. Others could invade their property and do whatever they wanted. As a result, they have difficulty establishing boundaries later in life.”
b. “Our desires lie within our boundaries. Each of us has different desires and wants, dream and wishes, goals, and plan, hungers, and thirsts. We all want to satisfy ‘me’…Part of the problem lies in the lack of structures boundaries within our personality. We can’t define who the real ‘me’ is and what we truly desire. Many desires masquerade as the real thing. They are lusts that come out of not owning our real desires…sex addicts are looking for sexual experiences, but what they really desire is love and affection”

Anthony and I have experienced some form of physical or sexual abuse in our childhood. Also, both of us have looked to intimacy as a physical form and primary display of love. I believe, as adults, our boundaries were not firmly established and our way of defining and expressing love were not healthy. Because I have come to new understandings of love, I thought that I could shed some light on Anthony during the “Anthony Project.” But we must be “responsible for the things that make up ‘us’”, including how we respond to past abuse, our feelings, reactions, and how we abuse other people. Only he can take responsibility for his past, his boundaries, and his soul. And I…mine.

Responsibility Theme Song: India Arie “Get it Together”



5. They give not out of their heart and free will, but out of compliance, and they resent us for what they give. Neither one of us comes out ahead…Making decisions based on others’ approval or on guilt breeds resentment, a product of our sinful nature. We have been trained by others on what we “should” do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion. I think Anthony and I held (holds) resentment toward each other. I felt like I was holding my tongue at times not because I wanted to or felt it was best, I just did it because I didn’t want an argument and I wanted to avoid more negativity. He felt like he was making changes in the way he would act and talk to me but it wasn’t because he felt the need to change. He still believes that this is just how he is and being controlled by his feelings is normal. He felt like he was trying to change for me and I didn’t appreciate it. We were both changing our behavior not out of love for each other, but out of compulsion. It was a “duty” and not acts of love, support, or self-reflection.

6. We need self-control without repression. Although I am pretty outspoken, I need to exhibit more self-control when responding to my emotions. And Anthony who has challenges communicating, needs to figure out a way to not repress his feelings.

7. Feelings are immature and will always be irrational. What signals maturity is how we handle our feelings and how we are able to voice our feelings. I believe this is key. I am pretty good at expressing how I felt but Anthony found this to be a challenge. So, he reacts and lacks self-control. This is where the rage comes but he doesn’t seem to be getting a hold of it. As long as people allow him to act that way without consequence he will continue. As long as I enter into relationships in an emotional-drought or feeling overwhelmed by life circumstances, I will continue to give people too high expectations when it comes to who is responsible for my emotional health. I must be aware of my feelings, desires and needs as I choose to enter (or choose not to enter) into my next relationship.

8. Our loving heart, like our physical one, needs an inflow as well as outflow of lifeblood. And like its counterpart, our heart is a muscle, a trust muscle. This trust muscle needs to be used and exercised; if it is injured it will slow down and weaken. I think Anthony and I have given others the responsibility of making us happy too many times. And every time those people have failed us. Why? It not their responsibility! They are merely humans and they are going to fail us in some way. But they will ALWAYS fail us when we give them expectations not person can meet. Our “trust muscles” have weakened and will continue to if we continue to trust people with our hearts too quickly. Ultimately we are wanting to be loved but not doing all the self-work needed to guarantee healthy interactions.

More reading to come… until then…

Healthy Relationship Theme Song: India Aire “Can I Walk with You”

“Role Revolution” in Relationship: Are Women Becoming More Masculine?

Insert Chaka Khan here… “I’m every woman! Its all in me!”


Women's roles are evolving. Many contemporary women want to embrace both traditional and modern roles and want to be recognized by her male counter-parts as having both. "I'm every woman!" But black men’s roles are not evolving at the same rate. Therefore, many contemporary women are moving through their dating lives with modern/traditional “double-consciousness” and asking men to satiate their desire to fulfill the demands of both roles. But many men are still socialized to perpetuate traditional notions of black masculinity. Many of those notions of maleness conflict with a modern understanding of her place in society.

Historically black women have been forced into positions traditionally reserved for men. During U.S. slavery (contrary to Michele Bachmann), many black women were often left to be single mothers due to their husbands and male partners being sold, killed or escaping as runaways. They needed to maintain emotional, spiritual and physical strength to endure rape, children being sold, challenging physical labor, and other detrimental effects of a bonded existence. Media outlets during World War II may have focused on encouraging white women to join the work force in sacrifice of their domestic duties, but black women were also encouraged.

After this massive and influential campaign, we find that white and black women no longer saw their societal roles the same. During the U.S. Civil Rights Movement black women were at the forefront of landmark demonstrations such as the Montgomery Bus Boycott but The Women’s Political Council becomes absent from history, Rosa Parks the educated community organizer becomes relegated to a seamstress who is simply tired or being sick and tired.



Through women’s desire for credit for their abilities and the demands for equality through education and the workforce, the modern woman is able to be independent. Contrary to the traditional social structure where women had limited access to education or lucrative employment, today, women have access. Women no longer need men. Yet many women want men. Therefore we need a “Role Revolution.” Via the Feminist/Womynist Movements women have demanded and are taking on more traditionally masculine roles but there has been no movement where men are requesting to be more feminine…especially black men.

A friend of mine, black woman, is a lawyer, has her own firm, and recently ran for judge. Her husband has a degree in history and wished to be an educator. By the time baby number three came along, they realized that it didn’t make fiscal sense for both of them to work. He quit his job and became a “house-husband.” We can easily see a woman making the choice to be a housewife but a house husband feels awkward…sounds awkward. I think what makes my friend’s situation unique is that her husband is white. Traditional masculinity is grounded in the ability to provide (monetarily), protect (physically), and procreate (creating a legacy). But with more black men disproportionately given felonies, longer sentences, targeted by law enforcement, more likely to have a subpar education, and less likely to attend college we find a sizable black male population who find it incredible challenging to fulfill all of the facets of traditional masculinity. Mostly likely, the average black man will make less money and have less formal education than black females yet, many women uncompromisingly want their “equal” and many men do not wish to play second fiddle to a successful wife.

Arguably, there has been a change in how white men have defined power. From power as demonstrated by force (i.e. physical sports, conquering lands and people), to power demonstrated by access to resources (i.e. business acumen, acquisition of money and assets) (see previous post) so how will black men change their definition? Can black men be like my friend’s husband and be willing to take on more traditionally feminine roles without believing it compromises their masculinity? How will black women alter their roles and their requests of black men? What is our reasoning for holding on to traditional roles? Are we grounding too much of our identity in however we may be defining “independence”? Masculinity? Femininity?

“Role Revolution” First Rule of Engagement and Take-Home Activities

I’ll start with our first rule of engagement in modern dating. Feel free to add new rules, complete activity suggestions and share as we build on ideas of relationships

Rule #1 Going Dutch: Let’s consider how black women’s modern/traditional double-consciousness effects how we want our knight and shining armor to manifest. Often times, it doesn’t compliment us in our entirety. For example, traditionally, men demonstrated their abilities to provide and protect during the courting stage in an effort to show the lady that he is capable of taking care of her. But, if needing to see the plentitude of his pockets is no longer the goal, then should we consider Dutch as an option for the first three to five dates? In this way, as equals, we are both investing in the possibility of a future and we both have something to gain (or lose).

Activity #1 Media Influences:
a) List the songs throughout the years that have encouraged women to take on traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine roles. Listen to the words. Are these songs encouraging a modern/traditional double-consciousness in many women? Are there any songs that encourage men to assume a similar modern/traditional double-consciousness? What are they?




b) List movies where women are revered for their ability to be traditionally masculine and feminine. What are the character’s traits? Are there similar movies for men?



Activity #2 Using the Feminine to Demean: Note how often friends, family, media, (or you) use words often connected to femininity to demean a man: “Don’t be a pussy.” “Stop bitchin.’” Consider how these interactions effect how men construction masculinity as something in opposition to femininity. As something they should avoid…As something “less than”, bad or dirty. How might that encourage or discourage some men to reconsider their societal roles?



Now granted, I love being taken out, wined and dined…thus I’m not saying I’m against it. I’ve definitely had some really good black men in my life who have been able to strike a good balance. But, how might our expectations of each other be too idealistic? How might the construction of our identities be detrimental fabrications?