Theme song "Alright" by Ledisi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqsc3ih3_Po
I have noticed a trend in much of my adult life. Being an activist at heart is a rewarding burden. Having an emotional attachment to things you want accomplished and people in your life you can also be over-whelming. But only at moments. Specific moments. For now, we will call them "eruptive moments/periods." Those moments are when you feel like you are being pulled in one thousand different directions and everyone needs, requested, and has some piece of you. Some of those people ask for that piece because they choose me and believe I can be of some assistance. Others ask, or I make a decision to give of myself, because I placed myself in that position of responsibility. A characteristic of that "eruptive moment" is that I want the emotional need to be reversed. Meaning I feel so spread out, so need someone to focus on me for the time being. In these moments, there is a bubbling over of "over-whelmed-ness" that has a direct connection to my love life… but only when I am not in a relationship. I have had a few eruptive periods…and each of them manifested differently and lasted about a month or two. The most challenging one was when I left home to come to graduate school. My mother was marrying a man that we all knew was not a good choice, there was a lot of tension at home, I was moving over 1,000 miles away from everything I knew, and my boyfriend throughout my undergrad and I were breaking up (and I just KNEW we were going to get married…but I realized that I was in my own fantasy. I was young…I learned…). So what happened? Subconsciously I was looking for someone to replace him…quickly. For years (up until now) I blamed it on that post-breakup "rebound stage" but it was much more than that. So I met my son's father. He looks good on paper but if I was not in my "eruptive moment" I would not have interacted with him. We are just… different people. I realized it really wasn't about my son's father when I would do things like call him by my ex's name or I would think it weird when he didn't do certain things that my ex would do. As I type this I'm thinking "that doesn't make much sense Melissa, why would you expect someone to be someone else?" Well…I did. So out of this "eruptive moment" I become pregnant. Oddly enough having my entire life change because I was bringing another life into this world didn't propel me into another "eruptive moment" (per se) but made me think "whoa…what just happened?" Its like the fog was cleared. And there stood a man (and not a very nice one) that I really didn't know, a pregnant me in my first year of grad school in a place where I knew almost no one. Mantra to self "TIME TO TOUGHEN UP MELISSA!" And I, with the grace of God, did. My son has been my propulsion for the last five years.
So fast forward a bit.
I know that I make poor choices in men when I am stressed. So, when I recognize that I am in a stressful period, I pretty much avoid men. But I'm not always successfully at it. Because for some reason someone (or many) pop-up at the wrong time. So recently I have found myself in an eruptive period. But, to start, there has been some recent successes. I wanted to buy a house and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done (that is a long story for another time). But we are in our new home and it's great. My educational career was taking odd turns and I wasn't sure what was going to happen. But I LOVE my department and I can't imagine myself anywhere else. On another note, I am building a school in Ghana and it is not moving as fast as they (or I) would like. In order for me to take advantage of many monetary opportunities for the school I need to get a 501 c (3) status which I am in the process of doing. I volunteered at my church's pantry, realized that they needed some assistance, found out they needed a director, and I became it. Realizing that more African Americans need to visit Africa and knowing it's a way to fundraise for the school, I have linked up with my church's missions department (which I am now a member of) and I am coordinating a trip for my church along with my Ghanaian host family for next year. After making all of these connections I realized that I could offer The Black Graduate and Professional Student Caucus my resources, so I was elected president. I want to do a community mural project with students in the Linden area and have been blessed to have very influential institutions excited about the project. So now its about grant writing and meeting these organizations to get stuff done. In not so great news…my son's father is trying to sue me for visitation rights (which he already has) so had someone try and hunt me down (unsuccessfully) to serve me papers. So I had to write to the judge blah blah blah… I think that's over now but who knows with him. Franklin County has denied my son child care benefits (which should have been approved and I had to figure out how to pay $165 per week for pre-school) but I have a rude and terrible caseworker and now I've been told by local people and leaders of social justice organizations that I have to appeal and request a state hearing. So since this affects the women I work with at my job (non-traditional female students, many with children), I have taken this on as a legislative project. On a positive note, deans and administrators (who have a direct connection to governing bodies because OSU is a land-grant public institution) are noticing that this is an issue to pay attention to. A professor stole merchandise from me (over 400 books that I collected to be donated to the HIV/AIDS orphans I worked with in Ghana) and have realized that I have entered into the "good ole boys club" of academia and have been pointed an numerous directions to have meeting with everyone from one up and down the bureaucratic ladder. I think that they think I'm just going to give up and not pursue it any longer…but they don't know me very well. And to top it off, Langston got bit in the face by a dog. Thank God, in the mist of my son screaming a bleeding I got him taken care of and had the where-with-all to get the man's name and number. I talked to Langston about how there are SOME mean dogs and SOME nice dogs and he doesn't appear to be traumatized and the dog had all of his shots. This, of course, doesn't take into account day-to-day things like getting dinner done, bills paid, bedtime stories read…oh and I'm taking three classes this summer and my work hours doubled this summer. So this is prime opportunity for an eruptive moment. 90% of the time I feel like I've got it together. I have my handy Black/crackberry. Got my calendar. I know where I need to be and when. Got my to-do list scratching things off. You know, getting it done. But sometimes its a bit much and often, on cue, a man appears (It's the devil I just know it! Lol! Or God helping me understand knew things about myself). On the surface it seems like the right time "oh here is someone who will distract me, treat me, and make me feel calm and relaxed." But in reality, it's a terrible time. More so because that is a lot for expectation for a new person.
I have recently found myself doing just that. I met someone. I was being pursued. I thought he was interesting. Found him attractive and found myself wanting to speed things up. Wondering about commitment. My mom said, "you are making this guy out to be much more serious than he needs to be." I said, "You're right but I don't know why…" I look at the calendar and say "umm, wait a minute Melissa. Its only been like three-weeks." But it didn't feel like three weeks it felt like an eternity. "Why?" I asked myself. And "why THIS guy?" So this guy is generally a cool guy. And after much thought I realized I was ignoring some red flags (i.e. spitefulness, among others things). But, in reality, I don't really know him. And that is normal when you are getting to know someone. That is normal when you are just kickin' it. Taking it easy. But when I am feeling over-whelmed that is almost impossible. Those three weeks felt like an eternity because I was feeling the strain of feeling myself being depleted. Running on "e". And if you ever been about to run out of gas, that trip to the gas station is full of anxiety. "God I just need to make it to the gas station." And somehow it seems further and further away. So as I feel myself being pulled a numerous directions, as I feel myself running out of gas, I am subconsciously looking for a gas station. A permanent gas station. That I know I can run to, who can hold me and say, "Its going to be fine. You're strong, you got this. It will be over soon, you will be a better woman because of it and other people will benefit too. It's going to be ok." Then I stand up, brush myself off, wipe my face, and finish marking things off the to-do list until its done. Then I can really relax. So when I began to wonder about commitment it was really about wanting a permanent gas station of my own. And in eruptive periods I'm in the car on a long trip driving 80 miles an hour and frequent trips to Mobil becomes a must. A found myself trying to speed up the "getting to know you"/realtionship process cause I felt like "I don't have much time to take in the scenery, I have to get to a gas station." This, on so many levels, is a problematic way of handling stressful times.
So then the question I posed to myself is, "am I detrimentally emotionally dependant on people when I am over-whelmed?" A VERY uncomfortable "AHHH!!!" is my response. "Not me! Not independent-I'm going to change the world- people look to me-I get stuff done ME! No way…right?" I'm ALL about discovering uncomfortable things about ourselves (myself) picking it apart, analyzing it, then growing from it. But it's a dirty job. But who else is going to do it? So, always working to be solution-oriented, I ask: How do I build my own gas station? What does it look like? What does it consist of? And how can I better figure out when I will need one before its too late? I'm pretty good about doing stuff for myself and relaxing when responsibilities creep up, but sometimes I let it creep up to far. How do we make sure we don't get burned out? Maybe occasional burned-out-ness happens, but its about how we deal with it. How we recognized how we operate in those moments and how we can create solutions so that we don't find ourselves in those eruptive moments and bring people in our lives who do not have a long enough track record with us…who don't have enough miles in your car (or you in theirs) to expect them to fill you up. I made a list a while back of the things that bring me joy. I revisit that list when I feel I need to slow down. But, it's when I feel like I can't afford the time to slow down that eruption occurs.
So, in my newfound "gas station" revelation I am making a commitment to toughen up to relax. What does that mean? I'm still working through the word "tough"… because I don't want to be hard or jaded. But there is a need to not give in and of myself too quickly… I will have to think about it some more…A man presents the opportunity for me to be weak. To relax, to not be strong for the moment and just be held, or talk or be quite or just be. To stop, turn my car off and be filled up…to be my gas station. I still want to be able to do that but there is a time and a place for that…an established relationship. In a relationship, its ok to have a moment of selfishness because you have been with each other and have established a track record of reciprocation. He has given, I have given, and now I really need him to give and them I'm ready to really give to him. And, of course, there are more moments of us just "be-ing" and appreciating each other that are in states of anxiety. I have had the opportunity to have great men in my life. But I have also learned to not to assume everyone is capable of that greatness. For me to expect that from a new person, makes me appear terribly needy and selfish and that's not me at all. It's often my self-lessness that makes me have an "e" tank. To "toughen up" is more about not getting to "e", so we won't be so weak, so depleted that we let in the wrong people, so we can be beneficial to ourselves and those who needs us.
The learning process continues…I feel better now.
This quote spoke to me...
"You aren't going to be my first, my last or my only... I've cared about someone else before, and I will again, but if I care for you now, what else matters? I'm not perfect, you aren't either, and the two of us will never be perfect... but, if I can make you laugh at least once, hold on to me and give me the most you can! I'm not going to quote poetry, I'm not going to be thinking about you every moment... BUT, I will be giving you a part of me I know you can break. So, don't hurt me, don't change me and don't expect more than what I can give you… Don't analyze me. Smile when I make you happy, yell when I make you mad and miss me when I'm not there... Who knows? I may turn out to be the ONE. But, if not, I may be the one to help you find your ONE."
Peace.
