To "e" or not to "e"harmonize???

So, someone I know is on eharmony (an online dating/relationship cite) so I said "hey...why not." I've only been for about two weeks or so, so no dates (when I do you'll know) but when you sign up you have to answer a ton of questions. They use this to "find your mate match" but also spit on a personality profile. It is unnervingly correct... who-da thunk. So here is it copied and pasted:

Agreeableness

You are best described as:

USUALLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS

Words that describe you:

Understanding Unquestioning Humane Selfless Gentle Kindhearted Gullible Indulgent

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances. But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush. You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you. But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light. Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds. All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs. Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Positive responses to you are likely to far outweigh negative responses. For many people, your genuine kindness will be an example of a way to treat others and a way we want others to treat us. They will see in you the traits of compassion and sympathy which they might want to focus on in the development of their own character. For those people you help you will be the friend they need, there at the right moment to help them when they've stepped into yet another thicket of pain or confusion. They will be grateful for your listening, for your straight talk when they need straight talk more than anything, and for the hand you extend so they can find their way, with your help, out of whatever tangle they've gotten themselves into.

On the Openness Dimension you are:

CURIOUS

Words that describe you:

Original Inventive Thinker Brave Eccentric Avant-Garde Out-of-Touch Unique

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences

You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking. You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking

You drive through life faster than the speed limit, and when you hit speed bumps, and you hit a lot of them with your mind distracted from the straight line ahead your wheels leave the ground. For people who like life at a safer speed, you move too fast and lose touch too often with the solid ground they prefer, hence their discomfort with you. As odd as you might find this, many people feel safe in the shelter of the world they already know. They like the familiar. They breathe easily and sleep deeply knowing with more certainty how the world works. So although they might enjoy your company and be curious about your latest notion of how to count backwards by threes, they can only take you in small doses. And they wish you'd quit trying to push the boundaries of their personal and social cosmos.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Even those whom you make uncomfortable know, as just about everyone does, that you're not a flake. You think well, and even your wildest fancies have their roots in the deep soil of sound ideas and tested beliefs. So even if some people don't want to drive at high speed with you, they will respect you for your courage as an innovative and unconventional thinker. You lend color and imagination to what would otherwise be the straight black and white lines of their work world and social environments. A few more daring people of your circle might even learn from you to take a risk they would otherwise never consider. As comfortable as they are on solid ground, they may be curious about what it would be like to go faster than the speed limit, or paint the living room two shades of blue, or question ideas or beliefs they've fingered like sacred beads since they were children. After all, they watch you do it, and you seem no worse for the risks you take. In fact, your eyes are wider and your breath quicker, and maybe they can find at least a bit of this for themselves. To be certain, they don't want their wheels to leave the ground, but maybe the next time they approach a speed bump they might just brace themselves and speed up just a little bit.

On Emotional Stability you are:

VERY RESPONSIVE

Words that describe you:

Emotional Insightful Perceptive Sensitive Self-conscious

A General Description of Your Reactivity

Each one of us encounters some hard times; we get caught off guard, or feel a sudden swell of emotion, whether from fear, joy, anger or sadness. Life is just like this sometimes. You know that because you are an emotional person. Some people go to great lengths to keep their emotions under wraps, to keep a stiff upper lip, to not let others know what emotions they are feeling. But that is not you. You embrace all of life's emotions, both the joys and the turmoil that life brings our way. When you're having fun with a group of friends you don't even try to contain your pleasure; you laugh hard and feel every moment of the conversation because of the joy that comes from the experience. You make very intense friendships; ones where all of the depth of emotions that you feel can be shared. Emotions are such an essential part of your everyday life. You may cry at intense movies or when watching a sad story on the evening news. You get angry, at others or at yourself, and you do not stifle it. Emotions drive your personality and your relationships - you simply are what you feel. You experience both the highs and the lows more profoundly than most. And you usually relish the intensity of your emotions. For sure you enjoy the positive times. There are those times, though, when your feelings get the best of you and you wonder how you will manage the moment. But because you are so in tune with all of your emotions you will experience something very pleasant and will be able to engage with that positive feeling to again enjoy the wonderful intensity that life brings you.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

If we were to ask you what negative reactions may result from your approach to your emotions, it would likely be that some people find it hard to deal with your strong feelings. They might think of you as emotionally "over the top," and wish you would be more like those who are always emotionally composed and less prone to fully engage their emotions.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Despite any negative reactions others may have toward you, many people will be grateful for your strong emotions and your willingness to experience these emotions. They will appreciate the candor with which you express even your deepest feelings, feelings they themselves might want to express but may find difficult to share. Your openness will be an encouragement to them as well. Still others may find your intensity compelling; they feel emotionally flat, and you could be a burst of passion in their dull worlds, and an encouragement to them to "get with" their own feelings. Any or all of these people will be grateful for a friend who is so emotionally present.

Your approach toward your obligations is:

FOCUSED AND FLEXIBLE

Words that describe you:

Casual Informal Compliant Reliable Organized Solid Dependable Uncommitted Genuine

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

When you take on a task at work or at home, you are reliable; you get the job done. In an organized way, you define the goal, lay out a plan, figure how long the task will take, and get to work "solid and dependable you". But and this is important you're not a slave to the plan. You're committed to it, but not chained to it; the connection is more casual and informal. You know that sometimes "the best laid plans" fall off the tracks; when this happens, you clean up the train wreck and start over, undeterred. Though not happening often, when plans change, you're okay with it. In fact, sometimes you change the plan. It's too nice of a Saturday to finish organizing the garage. Let's go for a bike ride instead. True, the next rainy Saturday will likely find you back in the garage, but for now the work can wait. What an interesting combination of qualities in you're organized, but casual; solid, but compliant; and dependable, but informal. At home and at work, people know they can rely on you. You take great satisfaction in knowing that people think of you as disciplined and responsible, but you also know that you have something of a free spirit in you, and when this spirit moves you, off you go, following the impulse of the moment. You are rightly proud of your work ethic, but you also enjoy your willingness to lay the tools down, crank up the music and play like a child.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Some people live like Marines: duty-bound, disciplined and driven. To these people you might seem uncommitted; where they would never leave work for play or change plans in the middle of their life's forced march, you let the circumstance sway you and move in a different direction, and they don't understand. Others live like kites on a string, attached by thin threads to the solid ground of responsibility and are blown about by every gust of impulse or imagination. To these people you might seem too cowardly, like you'll flirt with your impulses but never give in fully, play on a Saturday but never blow of the entire work-week to "follow your bliss". While these Marines and kite-flyers might look down on you for your combination of focus and flexibility, others might be envious. They can't free themselves from a sense that they're not doing enough, or from the equally frustrating feeling that they're not free enough. And here you are with your accomplishments and your pleasures, getting the job done but also getting your hair blown back as you run with the wind. As far as these people are concerned, you're lucky you've got the best of both of the worlds in which they feel they fail.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

What a great life you have, and a great attitude to boot. You know when to buckle down and push ahead to get the job done, and you do it well. You know when to lay the tools of your trade aside, grab your kite and head for the meadow where you can run with the wind. Many people will see and admire in you this lovely combination of a person who can focus, but who is flexible enough to know when to let the spirit move you in some new and livelier direction. It's a life they aspire to, and they delight in seeing it played out in your life. They may ask your advice and turn you into a mentor of the full and balanced experience. They will want to know how you do it, what the costs are, and if you get frightened that you're not working hard enough or playing often enough. They may make you think about your own life more than you have, so you can share it with those who want to emulate this balance between flexibility and focus. They may be correct lucky you!

When it comes to Extraversion you are:

VERY OUTGOING

Words that describe you:

Sociable Outgoing Energetic Lively Communicative Warm Uninhibited Assertive Friendly

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

You are a very sociable person, enjoy spending time with other people, and seek their company. You are probably uncomfortable with an empty calendar or an empty house. You like coming home to your family or your roommate, but not to a dark living room when no one is there. You are very outgoing; you seek out other people, arrange activities, organize gatherings, anything that gives you an opportunity to be with your friends. And when you're with them, you are full of energy. You add liveliness to any situation. You talk and listen, participate in whatever the activity is "a sport or a party or a walk in the woods" and come away from such experiences pumped up by the time spent together. You especially like to talk with your friends. You bring energy and genuine interest to almost any conversation. When they speak, you listen; and then you are eager to have your say as well. You know how to connect in a conversation, using your energy, your vocabulary, and your genuine interest in being with the other person. You are at your best and are happiest in these experiences of real communication. One more thing about you. When you are in these experiences of real communication with others, you really know how to let yourself go. When you talk, when you play, when you participate in some activity, you are unrestrained. You give all that you've got to these moments, and because you like the experience so much, your warmth comes through. It is clear to whomever you're with that you're glad to be in just this situation. In these warm, wide-open moments, you are you at your best.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

Not everyone will enjoy being with you. Because you are so outgoing, those who want their share of the time in a conversation or who think their contribution is worthy of as much focus as yours my find you too much to take. "Talks way too much, and always wants to be the center of attention" is a phrase others may use about you, sometimes to your face, though more often behind your back. And some people simply might get fed up with you. Also, those whose personality is quieter, whose idea of a good conversation is more low-key, low-intensity, low-volume, may find they want some distance from you. For them, you suck up too much of the air in the room, and they need to walk away to breathe more comfortably. They might not say anything, after all, they're not as communicative as you are, but by their distance or their absence they'll let you know that sometimes you're more than they can or want to handle. How you choose to respond will likely depend on the situation but it is important for you to realize some people may have this sort of response to you.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

On the other hand, many people will enjoy your company immensely. Your warmth and liveliness will attract them to you, and your ability to communicate with such unrestrained energy will draw them in and keep them interested. They will appreciate your willingness to take the initiative in planning an event or leading a conversation, and because you come alive in a group you will make any social situation more fun and more interesting for everyone involved. If you sometimes go over the top: talk too much, insist too intently on your own opinions, get someone involved in an adventure that may be out of their usual realm of behaviors, people who know you well will probably cut you some slack because they understand that when you get wound up you sometimes don't stop. It's just lively, energetic, outgoing you who makes life so much more interesting for your friends.

Emotional Maturity and the Importance of Communication

Theme song: "Melt My Heart to Stone" by Adele

I never considered myself much of a writer. Not a bad writer, just never thought of it as something I would do often or how important it would be in my life… to my growth. My catharsis. I would consider myself an emotionally mature person. Meaning, I have the ability to articulate my thoughts and feelings especially if I have been given some time to dwell on them. But even if I haven't, I am able to say, "I'm not sure how I feel about that. I need to think about it more." For me, that is the easiest thing to say. I'm pretty comfortable with my feelings… emotions. So if I am in a space where I need to express them I will do so. And I will ask for a response. Feedback. What do you think? How did what I say make you feel? Tell me something? This usually happens when I sense a problem between someone and I. Tension that I feel needs to be fleshed out.

An ex-boyfriend and I have been battling how to successfully execute a friendship. We have not successfully done so. I had a discussion with someone who proclaims to hate emotions but has recently come to, at least, attempt to embrace them…from a safe distance. My ex-boyfriend has the ability to be very cold. Emotionless. So I went to them to seek some insight. His coldness seems to happen when there is a circumstance that creates a flood of emotions that overwhelms him. Emotions that he can't control. That he may not quite understand. But he seems to take that out on me.

My anti-emotion confidant said, "is it that he is being mean, or is it that he is offering you the type of response he is emotionally capable of?" That gave me pause… The confidant continues, "I used to hate emotions, I still don't like them so I can understand where he is coming from. You are more emotionally mature than he is. You can handle your emotions differently. I don't think he is out to purposefully hurt you, I believe all he is doing is what he can do. He is responding the way he can, the way he is capable of responding." This may be true, but I am having an issue with not seeing many of his actions as mean and emotionally abusive. A coldness that I don't deserve. I'm working on understanding or embracing that.

So it made me ask myself why am I, did I, put so much energy in this man even after I broke up with him? He can be very loving. And we have both said we are each other's best relationship. And he is someone I would always want in my life because I know he has great value. But I also don't think he really knows, appreciates, and/or values his worth. I say to myself, "does he REALLY know how great of a man he is? He has no idea what he is capable of doing!" As a friend, I want to be his encourager, his cheerleader, his reassurance… but why? Does it really matter if he doesn't see it himself? Does it matter how many times I forgive him or assist him through stopping his emotional wall-building if he continues to see me as an intruder? Someone who can and will hurt him? He says that he says things that he doesn't mean and then takes them back but can you really? Out of this I have realized a few things. I can see all the potential in the world in someone but if they are too afraid, to concerned about how much they can or can't control the outcome, there is nothing I can do but be available when they decide they are no longer afraid. But if they have fought me for so long I can't say how willing I am to be there. And maybe I'm not supposed to be. Maybe its my fault for pushing for him to stay. This is him pushing back. I have also realized the importance of my mate being emotionally mature. Being able to handle emotions and articulate them. He doesn't seek to withdraw but rather engage. If I have hurt him, I need him to not lash out or say things he doesn't mean in order to hurt me, to make himself feel better like some type of emotional bully. But rather takes some silent time and addresses the issue and WE seek solutions. He wasn't like this when we were together. That shouldn't happen in any relationship whether its loved ones, friends, or romantic interactions. If we care about each other then we should care about the success of this relationship. But he and I have not successfully established what that friendship is going to look like and it appears that he has ruined any possibility of us having such a friendship.

Maybe the way I handle emotions is too much for him. Or he doesn't like it. Or doesn't think its appropriate, or what have you. Maybe… But that me. And his method of handling emotions… that him. It's things like this that lets you know how people are and who your real friends are. Maybe we will be apart long enough where we can try again. Maybe not. But I feel as though I have put in my fair share of love, forgiveness, and caring. At some point we have to decide who is really worth our time and if they even really want us there.

He was the focus of my "peanut butter" post. He was my friend. He is my first "grass" incident. (Accident?) It had its great and not to great moments. I have found myself going back to the tracks sense our break up. Then re-remembering why I left in the first place. I am no longer asking him to stay and keep me company on the grass or requesting another sandwich. Instead, I'll let him leave on his motorcycle. Say thank you for lunch and continue to enjoy the breeze and sunshine that doesn't leave just because he is gone. I've lost my friend. His presence brought comfort to this new place, but it isn't comfortable anymore. He's no longer a friend. I have a nice blanket in my backpack and some cool jazz on my ipod. I think I'll do just fine.