Black people helping Black people…are they really?

A rant towards administrators in a program I was a part of. Why do we continue to privilege the black middle and upper class? I emailed this letter to them. This is most of the letter…

Dear Program Coordinators,

I have had a few thoughts about the organization while participating in the program and after graduating. I have responded to surveys, but wasn't quite sure how to formulate and present my discontent. However, after attending last night's project presentations I have realized my concerns.

What attracted me to the organization was five of the nine elements stated as the focus of the program: Identifying community needs and resources, ethics and values, grassroots organizing, relationship building, and wealth building and philanthropy. As someone who has worked in a variety of communities for most of my youth and adult life, I was eager to be a part of a program that would a) assist me in identifying the issues in the Columbus community, b) recognize resources to satiate those needs, c) be guided by a set of ethics and values that help in addressing those needs, d) create community-based relationships to form grassroots organizations that allows the community to solve its own problems and e) establish a community camaraderie that aids in personal and business wealth building that would ultimately be recycled in the black community that helped build the wealth. I don't feel as if these themes are present in the program. I thought that the organization would use participants' individual skills and expertise to assist and execute projects and form intra-community relationships but those ideas did not appear to be priorities. I am finding what appear to be some contradictions in the proposed themes of the organization and the actual execution of the themes. Therefore, I have revisited a text that you know well, "The Mis-Education of the Negro"

What I saw in this last group and in my own class, were mostly business-oriented projects dedicated to elevating the black upper and middle with the philanthropic elements targeting the low-income community as secondary. These projects appear to be a priority of the organization because they were either suggested as project by the organization's leaders and/or given as projects multiple times. These business rarely if ever discuss direct assistance to those not with in the middle and upper classes. What isn't being asked if how does this assist the black "under class" when arguably that element of our community are the ones that need our help the most? There have been at least two social workers who have graduated from the organization and work directly with the Black people who are in the most need. Have their expertise really been tapped into?

The only question which concerns us here is whether these 'educated' persons are actually equipped to face the ordeal before them or unconsciously contribute to their own undoing by perpetuating the regime of the oppressor…They are anxious to have everything the white man has even if it is harmful. The Mis-Education of the Negro (pg viii).

There is an intrinsic value in having Black-owned business, but ultimately how does that help poor Black people in Columbus? Although "building-up" a majority African American area is a great venture, how can we avoid black-directed and black-influenced gentrification? If the property value rises, won't the taxes, prices of house etc. rise as well? If the area will be the way many participants seem to be envisioning it, how do we avoid removing our own people who live there currently in lower-income homes? Ideas proposed are class-specific business oriented ventures. How do we assist the black people most in need?

Another goal was to create a African American business "conglomerate" if you will. As important as it is to have a liaison for Black-owned businesses, aren't we bifurcating the Black community by assuming African American business needs are different from Somalian businesses, or Ghanaians businesses, or Nigerian-owned businesses or West Indian businesses? And even if there are some business differences, isn't it to the entire race's benefit to better understand how a Eurocentric hegemony is oppressing all black people? Wouldn't it benefit us all to collaborate and assemble resources to help one another?

At present the Negro, both in Africa and America, is being turned first here and there experimentally by so-called friends who in the final analysis assist the Negro merely in remaining in the dark (126).

Why not align ourselves with other black-business liasons and see how we can create a Black (not African American) business liason? If the organization believes that African Americans need to be or are separate from the overall Black community then maybe the organization should redefine "Black community" and "race allegiance" because both terms encompasses all descendants from Africa. By assuming each group are separate entities appears to be out on sync with the mission and the general goal of Black studies. Why continue to perpetuate the intra-racial divide?

The small business formulation center is the third example. As stated in the presentation, other entities are doing just that and may or may not be running as efficiently or effectively as it could be. However, the presentation yesterday was not focused on how to assist the other entities, or how to work with other entities, rather it was focused on how poorly the participants thought the other organization was doing and how the new proposed business formulation center would position itself as a competitor of the other organization. It wasn't considered that both are targeting a relatively small pool of aspiring Black entrepreneurs.

…the highly educated Negro…becomes too pessimistic to be a constructive force and usually develops into a chronic fault-finder or a complainant at the bar of public opinion. Often when he sees that the fault lies at the door of the white oppressor[who has constructed the economic and social oppressive system we live in] whom he is afraid to attack, he turns upon the pioneering Negro who is at work doing the best he can to extricate himself from an uncomfortable predicament (4).

Wouldn't our community benefit from thinking of ways to assist one another rather than creating new ways of stomping out other businesses especially when the businesses are created, owned and/or targeting people who look like us? How is that race loyalty?

The same type of divisiveness is seen in the black merchandise and snacks idea. A store that sells Black merchandise is seriously needed, but why not construct ways to assist the venues that are already selling black art in expanding their store to sell additional materials for a market in search for Black Greek products (e.g. Black Art Plus on Parsons that sells Black art but also some Black fraternity and sorority items). There are already two Black-owned cafés (on the same street) and a black-owned bookstore (also on the same street as the cafes). Why not construct a project on how to franchise the existing stores and place them around Columbus and not just in the King-Lincoln/ Mt. Vernon area? White, Arab, and Asian people have been putting their businesses in our neighborhoods for years and taking our money back to their own community (e.g the Schottensteins), why shouldn't we do the same?

In schools of business administration Negroes are trained exclusively in the psychology and economics of Wall Street and are, therefore, made to despise the opportunities to run ice wagons, push banana carts, and sell peanuts among their own people. Foreigners, who have not studied economics but have studied Negroes take up this business and grow rich (3).

What about a black owned pharmacy that caters to Blacks with Medicaid and Medicare or without insurance? What about attracting Black medical doctors and dentists to the King-Lincoln/ Mt. Vernon area (or other areas with high concentrations of black people) that assist Black people with outpatient procedures not covered by their insurance (e.g. root canals on back molars that aren't covered by Medicaid)? Why not create plan for something we don't have like a black-owned grocery store were low-income people can get fresh fruits and vegetables from Black farmers and a store that sells individual items (like one stick of butter) for people who can't afford large quantities?

There have been some projects which target specific issues in our community, but they tend to be constructed by participants who are not invested in the project. That is one of the reasons why many people aren't continuing the projects they were given. If people of like minds and similar skills were able to create a project earlier in the program and speakers who came to the organization discussed matters regarding those projects, then people would possibly be more dedicated to their assignment. Granted, I learned a lot from my project. It is information that will never leave me. However, I could have learned this information on presentation day from another group that would have been more dedicated to the project. I would want to see my project come to fruition but it is simply not where my passion is targeted. Since there is an expectation for past participants to continue projects on their own time without compensation then they must be motivated by their love of the project. If we aren't given projects that we are dedicated to, then why is it expected that we continue it, especially when people create ideas they are often ignored? Giving people a project that forces them out of their comfort zones is a good learning experience; however it is very challenging for people to create an effective, convincing, and well-thought out presentation when their project is completely out of their field of knowledge. Participants could learn more by simply attending the project presentation days when the projects are given by people who are passionate and knowledgeable about the field on which they are presenting.

In sum, many of the projects seem to support and encourage divisiveness in our community and not assistance. Many of the speakers are not grassroots organizers or people who are "on-the-ground" handling and combating the political, social, and economic issues of the Black community. Rather we often hear from middle and upper class business-owners, administrators and political officials who often do not address the plight of the people in the black community who require the most assistance. Is there an assumption that the only relationships we need to form are of a certain class? If the organization is going to be business-oriented, black upper and middle class focused, assigning pre-formulated projects that may or may not take into consideration the entire Black community (regardless of ethnicity and class) or recognize participants' expertise, then it would be helpful to make those objectives more clear. I enjoyed the inspiration I received from the program administrators and many of the speakers, but I am sure that the oOrganization did not come into existence as just an inspirational forum. The organization has the potential to assist the entire black community which is why I continue participate and attend its functions while continuing my own community endeavors. It is my hope that the organization will create a forum or at least have one meeting a year that addresses questions, comments, and concerns of past participants so that we all can work together to make the organization a hub for political, economic and social growth for all black people in Columbus.

Sincerely.

More Weirdness. Different this time.

Ok. More weirdness. Different this time. No word for it. Just weird. I sent the post to Monk. I wasn't expecting a response. If there was going to be one, I figured it would be about how I was feeling. But in general wasn't expecting or looking for a reply. I just wanted him to know what I was thinking. My phone was on silent which it normally isn't. I went to bed late and I knew my friends were going out to breakfast and I knew they were going to call me at the buttcrack of dawn to ask me where I was. The phone would have woken me up, I wouldn't have been able to go back to sleep and I would have been grouchy. No fun. I knew I wanted to sleep in so I turned it off. I woke up. I saw that I had six missed calls and some text messages. I'm thinking, "Who is calling me?" Most of them were from Monk. Weird. I called him back. Found out that he wasn't interested in what I was feeling. Not necessarily trying to understand where I was coming from. But he wanted to express how he felt that my blog was solely about him and could affect his business. Also how mentioning a tragedy in his life was exploitative and "heartless". That threw me for a loop. I mentioned something he used to do (which I removed), that he said could negatively impact his business. At first I thought he might have given this blog too much power, but I understood what he meant. I mentioned, simply mentioned, that he told me about some personal circumstances. No details about it. (I changed it). And that, to him was heartless. I think that was pretty harsh. An inappropriate term. But that's the way he felt. Those are his feelings and I don't want to discount them. (Kinda like he did mine but, I'm not too concerned. He can't say he didn't know). Anybody who knows me, know that I'm not heartless. If anything, I tend to care too much and express too much emotion. But people will say, can say, anything when they don't know you. And we really didn't know each other. He believes I was out of line for even mentioning it. I guess, for him, that is a possible consequence for sharing information with someone you only intend on having a shallow interaction with. It wasn't my intent.

 

So since my phone was off and he couldn't wait for me to respond, he calls a friend of his and my friend to try to get a hold of me to discuss something none of them would have ever learned about if he hadn't called. Its kind of weird because if you don't want something to spread, why spread it? It defies my logic, but ok. He gave his justification. I can see how that is understandable to him. So, as we are talking I attempt to discuss the blog, my intentions, and my thoughts. But he was more interested in telling me how he felt. We were both trying to express our thoughts to each other but we both had our deflectors up. Don't think the conversation was too productive.

 

I express myself best through writing. More so, in situations where I have feelings I want to express and I want to make sure I am as clear as I possibly can be, I don't want to be interrupted, there can be no mistakes in what I said, and I can be held accountable (because they can always go back and refer to what I said). I really only use this method with people I am not close to. I think its because writing to someone is a distance way of interacting. It limits vulnerability. But its still direct and unassuming.

 

But what I am trying to muddle through is the exploitive uncaring "heartless" intellectual he sees me as. It's not because I believe it, or that it was a little hurtful, but more so because I'm interested in how me, a "heartful" person can be perceived a heartless? A tad intriguing I must say. I explained to him how I saw us functioning differently. He appears to regret sharing information with me. As if I didn't handle knowing that information properly. I equated the way he feels about how I "exploited" that information to how I feel about sex. (Its not a direct correlation, but I attempted anyway.) Meaning, he felt that I misused the information given to him. I had no qualms about how I discussed the information, at the moment I wrote it. I feel as though sex was misused in our interactions. Here is the difference. He told me he was going to misuse our sexual interactions. For me, misuse means engaging in sexual intercourse for mere shallow entertainment. Speaking of exploiting, is that not a form of exploiting women? Just because you tell someone that your only real goal is to have sex with them, doesn't mean it isn't a form of exploitation. We could get into feminist ideas of women's bodies but let's not go there. Anyway, back to the subject. I also allowed myself to be misused. The only way the two situations would be the same is if I told him, "hey, if you give me this information I might use it in a way that could hurt your feelings." But I didn't. I didn't because I didn't think it would and I never thought that information would be relevant later on. But interestingly he wanted me to be careful and hold sacred information about him, but he does not think to adjust his actions based on information about me? Which begs the question again, WHY did he disclose that information to me? During another conversation about this blog, he told me he is going through things, and disclosed yet another piece of information. Why are you telling me this? Now, often people share information with me. They feel that I am a safe space and can offer interesting insight. But ummm, I'm not sure that is what Monk was thinking. Weird. Isn't that something you share with friends? I'm having a hard time understanding the motives and actions of someone who only wants to establish a shallow interaction. Another element that makes this weird. And women are supposed to be confusing?

 

Because I perceive him as egotistical (he enters into conversations already believing he is right and wanting me to agree with him, feeling that people should acknowledge him for things he has done and not being a good listener) it makes sense that he will continually privilege his own thoughts. From our conversations, it sounds like he thinks he is the most "wronged" person out of this. Now…I don't feel wronged. Umm, that's not the word I would use. I have to think of one…And I'm not going to attempt to try to have him understand my point of view. Why put so much energy in someone who sees you merely as a shallow fantasy? He's not worth that much time. What IS worth the time is me figuring out why all this happened in the first place. Anyway…with the sex-personal info comparison, he somehow thought that I was equating my thoughts about sex to how he feels about his personal tragedy. Sigh, that's not what I was saying. But oh well. I tried.

 

This situation is weird. I haven't been in a situation like this before. I am used to there being different feelings involved that may or may not equate to commitment. With Todd, Clarence, Miles, or Med, each of them I am not/was not committed to, thus the Nola Darling-ness, but I know our intimacy wasn't/isn't completely random and empty as mine was with Monk. The random-emptiness is what has me feeling weird. Not sad, but uncomfortable. Maybe a little disappointed in myself for giving energy to someone like Monk. The closest I have felt to this is my interactions with my son's father. But I went into that situation differently. I was getting out of a situation. I wasn't emotionally stable. With Monk, I was fully aware of the terms of our interactions. But I wasn't fully aware of how it was going to make me feel, or the assumptions and stories I was going to formulate in my head. He said, "did you really think that I wasn't having sex with anybody else?" Ehh… I didn't want to think about that. (And why would you ask that? No everyone has sex all that time as you imply you do.) I was having sex with other people as well. But my interactions with them were different. The me-and-Monk interaction is weird. I think it was/is a lost cause to try and explain to him what I was/am thinking, feeling. He doesn't listen. Thus, with our last conversation I simply replied to his statements with "Ok". I don't think he is trying to understand. Not sure why I wanted him to. He says I am asking him to validate my feelings. That's not what I am asking him to do. I don't need him to do that. And he continues to "give" me feelings and assume that he knows how to better articulate what I am trying to say than I can. Which is a tad frustrating. The only reason I sent him the post about my thoughts was because he mentioned that I was "acting funny" which said to me that he has decided the my behavior is unfavorable…funny. So I decided to tell him WHY, I was acting funny. Something he still has not addressed. Sigh, lol. Again, oh well. For him validation appears to mean hearing, listening, understanding coupled with having whatever he would call an adequate response. As he said, "what do I say to that?" (meaning my feelings) I AM NOT ASKING YOU TO SAY ANYTHING. Thus the reason for me not expecting a response. It would be interesting to hear one but I don't need it. I simply wanted to inform.

 

So that brings me to the question of the evening… why do I even care to share my thoughts? Why do I want him (and others I have addressed) to know especially since I'm not looking for a response? I don't want and never requested a relationship with Monk. My thoughts…I assumed that he is having intimate interactions with the female I saw him with. I'm pretty sure I'm right. But that ultimately doesn't matter. What matters is why did I jump to that conclusion and why does that make me feel…weird. Jealousy? Hmmm, if it is jealousy, it could be because I would like to think that he isn't interested in other women. But, I don't buy that. I don't think I'm thinking that. More thought on that. Ultimately it is a defense mechanism. The first mechanism was not thinking about the consequences of our interactions (how I am going to feel knowing that he is having sex with other people). The second is, creating a story (a set of assumptions like, that's his girlfriend) to help me figure out how I am going to deal with him and my feelings about the situation. I don't REALLY believe that's his girlfriend. I did, though, construct the story that he is intimately interacting with her. Again, I'm pretty sure I'm right, which is why I'm ok with this assumption. I'm sticking to it because, it makes me think about what I was attempting to ignore: Having sex with Monk was a really poor choice. And not well thought out. I excused it, ignored it because I made excuses for ignoring it because I was dealing with other things.

 

Still trying to solve this heartless thing… Don't think it can be solved because I simply don't believe it. My heart gets too involved at times, in every aspect of my life. It's unfortunate that he can't see that. It's unfortunate that he wants to believe that and… it is what it is. As predicted, when we talked again the conversation was not about what I'm thinking or feeling. Maybe heartless people don't think or feel. LOL. It seems pretty self-centered. Arguably my blog is self-centered but its my blog. It's supposed to be about me. He didn't make that argument but…sigh, just sayin'. I don't understand how a blog post that completely talks about my battles with intimacy, (or as he says "my tale of issues", …that was mean…and who's the heartless one? Sigh, people say the darndest things) can be seen as a rant about dissing him? Weird. Wow, that's got to be really egotistical. When, I'm talking about myself and my feelings and he only pulls out the information about himself. Interesting. He not a good listener. Attentive reader, rather. Obviously both. But I guess its understandable if his thought process during the whole time he was reading was this information was that he believed the post could damage his business or referencing personal information was being exploitive. (Don't people exploit people and things for personal gain? Umm, if the purpose to the post was to sorts out my thoughts and have him understand those thoughts then why would I use information about him, directed to him, for the personal gain of having him understand me? As confusing as that sentence was, lol, that how much sense his assumption doesn't make.) He has me all wrong. Oh, well. I have to give more thought to this…

 

SIDE NOTE RANT: "Did you really think I was only having sex with you?" What was the purpose of the question? I already told you I didn't want to think about it and when I did it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Why bring it up? Even more so, when I attempted to answer it you really weren't looking for an answer. I am attempting to reconcile these feelings of weirdness without thinking about that so why rub it in my face? Hmm, weird. If you read the blog post then you would have seen my thoughts about intimacy and you would have known that saying that is heartless, uncompassionate, and thoughtless. But, just as I can't expect you to think about how I am going to feel about things you say and do, why do you expect the same consideration from me? I'm the one who feels uncomfortable about the situation. Maybe you feel uncomfortable too, (not talking about the business concerns) but honestly. Do you think I have the energy, when interacting with you, to keep my defenses up, deal with this regret, all the other things in life that don't deal with this situation AND be sure to adequately deal with your feelings? For real? That's might be a lot of expectation from shallow interactions. That's selfish. Especially sense you have yet to address the purpose of the post. Sigh… end of rant. Moving on…

 

So why would I want him to know how I feel if I'm not interested in being with him or interested in attempting to provoke a response?

I don't like being misunderstood. For situations like this, the biggest deal is that the other person understands what I am thinking about or how I perceive the situation. I wanted him to be clear about how I felt. So then… why do I care about whether or not he knows how I feel? Hmm, after a two hour conversation with Clarence, it has been determined that my ego involved. Me? Ego? Lol. I guess. Makes sense. I want the other person to know what I'm thinking so that they are clear about how I feel about them. I don't want Monk. He probably thinks I do. (And at one point I was interested in getting to know him, but it stopped there). I continued to get my point across in our conversation NOT because I'm trying to convince him to be with me. I want him to know what I am thinking. So then… why do I want to be understood? Why can't I settle on the fact that maybe he (and other people of have written to) doesn't and won't ever "get" what I am trying to say. Hmm, have I ever felt in the past that I was misunderstood? Are my current interactions some type of compensation for those times? Not sure. Need more thought on that. So IF my ego is involved, then I may feel like my insight in valuable. So valuable that it needs to be shared even when the sharing has not been provoked. Not asked of me. To miss out on my insight is to miss out on a lesson for you to learn. Hmm. Possible. I'd rather not think of it that way, but we shouldn't only think about things that make us comfortable. So I need to investigate whether or not I'm more egotistical than I would like to think.

 

So, I had sex with him for a few reasons. 1) Hopeful translation of new idea of intimacy 2) felt that I needed that translation because I was in escapist mode. 3) I convinced myself that if we were intimate, it would lure him into wanting to or learning by default, things about me that are interesting outside of the sexual. Number threw sounds absurd. Well I could see how someone could make that a logical strategy, but… still absurd. That was absolutely not a conscious thought. Something I sat down and said would work. As I write it, it doesn't make sense. I shouldn't dismiss it though. It may be more possible than I would like to think. Of course, all men, good or bad, all want to sleep with attractive women. Getting to know them may be a thought after they have decided the woman is attractive and they want to sleep with them. If the difference between a Good Guy and a Bad Guy is that the Good Guy wants to get to know the women before having sex and the Bad Guy could careless, then Monk would be a "Bad Guy." The Good Guy, as Clarence says, lol wants "sustainable sex." The Bad Guy just wants sex in some form, with little work, which is rarely sustainable. Somebody's feelings are going to get involved. The Bad Guy isn't interested in the woman's feelings. He is interested in what he wants out of the deal and won't make any special efforts to do something that is in her best interest. Like, having platonic interactions with the woman after she has expressed her uncertainty about their sexual interactions. A Good Guy, would be more patient and interested in making sure the woman is comfortable. Monk tried that once when I was over his house. He stayed at his computer as I sat on the couch, but …it was inevitable that he would attempt to have sex. Sigh… Anyway, back to number 3. Me wanting him to NOT be the person that he is at this moment in his life (only wanting shallow meaningless interactions of women), would mean that I am trying to change him. Hmm, profound. Didn't think of it that way. I want him to be the Good Guy. I want him to be Miles or Clarence or Todd or Med. He's not them. He's not a nice guy. And its not that I didn't know this. It was very clear. I thought I could change him. Again, not a conscious thought. Because I am not interested in changing people. I stand pretty firm on that. At least consciously I don't want to. Apparently there is some subtext, some subconscious thought occurring that contradicts that.

 

 

So…small recap: 1) Our conversation seemed geared towards how he thinks I'm, being selfish, how I should see things his way, I got the nature of our relationship wrong and how I'm trying to vent about my feelings for him and all of that. Sigh, again, not about any of that and…again, he is a horrible listener. Its more so about me expressing my thoughts so that he is clear about what I am thinking and that I am understood. Still have to figure out why I need to make sure certain people understand me even when if it isn't clear that they are even trying to understand. More thoughts on that later…possibly. 2) Need to check the ego. Figure out what's going on with that. Wanting to say "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!!! I'M ME M*TH* F*CK*!" is nice, but really. Should I really EXCEPT all people to appreciate me and want them to be intrigued by all that makes me…me? Ehh, it would be nice but that's not the case. (A little ego peaking through? I don't think it's a bad thing to think that I have great things to offer, its just a problem when that gets out of control and that has not happened). There are multiple reasons why people do the things that they do and it doesn't necessarily have to do with how great they think I am or am not. He has some personal issues going on. Understandable. And it is possible that even if he didn't have person issues he would still be a man searching for shallow interactions with women. That makes him…him. And as cool as I think he might be outside of that, does not change who he is and it definitely does not make him who I wanted him to be. IF the ego is involved, then that may mean that I want to make him a better man than he is. Or I want him to be a better man than he is. Good men don't use people.

 

I guess this means I won't get my song list. Oh well.

Emotive Food Poisoning – A stream of conscious

These are weird weird feeling. Somewhere between wanting to cry and throw up. But the feeling is so low in the pit of your stomach that is hasn’t come to the surface for either reaction to come to fruition. To manifest. This is what regret feels like. Don’t normally feel this. Even when I make mistake I always get some lesson out of it. Then I know it all happened for a reason. This is weird. I lowered my standards for someone who says they don’t have a girlfriend, doesn’t want a girlfriend and then next day I will see him with “twenty others.” His words not mine. Weird. I have been trying to figure out how to handle this weirdness. I don’t want to be that jealous chick. Looking broads up and down. That’s not me and it’s never cute. I don’t want to be the mad chick. Also not me, it’s out place, and still not cute. On one hand I want to tell him how I feel because, I just want him to know. On the other I’m not sure he cares to know. Knowing me, I’m probably going to tell him anyway. Or at least send him this post. We’ll see what happens. So there is this guy. Let’s call him, Monk. I’ve noticed him about five years ago, 2004. (Wow have I been in Columbus that long).He seemed cool. The first girl I met when I came to grad school liked him. I never approached him. Not really my style. Figured if I was supposed to meet him I would. No big deal. He always seemed to always have a party going on. He was somewhat ubiquitous. Was bound to run into him. I met guys, dated, had a son, etc etc etc. Fast-forward to fall 2008. I needed his expertise to coordinate something. I got Monk’s number and I called him. He helped us out. We had sporadic conversations. Then we had one really long conversation. Lasted about 6 hours. About 80% of it had to do with sex or something about sex. That should have been my clue. But I called myself having a crush on him so I guess I ignored it. Wrote it off as fun flirtatious banter. He said he found me attractive. Said I was unicorn. Something about my beauty, stature, shape, etc being unique. Different. In a good way I suppose. Still don’t know how to feel about that. On one hand it’s a compliment; on the other it was the external part of me that made him want to pursue a sexual interaction with me. Purely sexual as oppose to initially finding someone attractive, approaching, then becoming interested in who they are. He said he wasn’t like other dudes and I needed to stop putting him in a box. But the stereotypical dude wants sex without commitment. Something most women do not want. That’s the box I wanted to put him in. That’s the box he needed to be in, but at his request I hesitated. Thinking I might be wrong. Why did I do that.

He came over my house a few times. Talked about random stuff mostly. He talked about his some personal concerns. I wasn’t sure if that meant anything. The sharing. It could have meant that I felt like a safe place for him. It could be something he tells most people. It could have been some weird “game” (I’ve seen it before). I told him I don’t have casual sex. Even if I am intimate with someone that I’m not in a relationship with, there are mutual feelings and respect for one another and we care about each other. That is not what was going on here. I was genuinely interested in who he was as a person and I think he was mildly interested in what I do and want to do with my life. Somehow, I didn’t want to believe that. Or I just ignored that. He was very clear that he didn’t want a relationship. Said he was still dealing with a failed relationship. I don’t believe that. Meaning I don’t think that would prevent him from entering into a relationship if he met the person he wanted to be with. Either way it didn’t matter to me. It was a cute crush. Like high school or something. One day he was going to come over. It was late. We talked for a while. Kissed. And I led him to the bedroom. (Why did I do that.)We ended up having sex. Sigh. Not sure why. Did I want him to like me more? That’s dysfunctional. I have to think about that some more. If that’s the case that is pathetic. Why would I do that? More thought…I know that I often make poor judgments when I am under stress and this year has been particularly stressful. Finishing the MA, applying for PhD programs, taking the GRE, serving on various e-boards, coordinating programs, grant writing, preparing to travel across the world alone, getting the money to do so, completely the fundraising project for the orphanage, working on my oil painting show, missing Langston, paying $300 in daycare, child support no longer coming, getting second job, finding funding for next year, finding a job for the summer, finding a headstart program for Langston, finding a new place, preparing for and going to conferences, writing a thesis… it think I’ll stop there.

He flat out told me he wanted to have sex with me and somehow that didn’t turn me completely off like it has with other people. I was in escapist mode. Wanting something/someone to help me forget about the things that I need to think about. We had sex. He said he had to leave. I felt like meat. It was bad. No passion. Just sex. It took my mind off the things I didn’t feel like thinking about it but it gave me something else to think about. I chose not to think about it. We continued to talk on and off. I asked him one day if he was sleeping with other people. He asked why but never answered. I took that as a yes. But chose not to think about it. Got to push forward. Too many things to think about already. Then one day a friend and I went to an after work event. He was outside talking to a female. I remember because she had one some cute shoes which I complimented her on. Didn’t think too much of it. He talks to a lot of people. My friend and I went up stairs, he sat and talked with us for awhile. It ended. He invited us to a spot to eat. We went by, left and went home. Another day some friends and I went to a club. I saw the girl again. She seemed to be by herself. He danced with her. Again not too big of a deal. Then there was a concert, she was there again. Again she didn’t look as if she came with friends. She stood off to the side with him. It was then that the weirdness started. Slightly. I made an excuse to go over to where they were. I kinda owed him $5 for something he gave me. But not really. Not sure why I wanted to say something to him. It was like I wanted to emotionally barf on him. But not at the same time. I made my way over there. He wondered why I was giving him the money. He said he didn’t ask for it and I was making the situation a bigger deal than it was. I said half-joking “maybe I’m a little salty because you are over here with your girlfriend.” And he said, “I don’t have a girlfriend and the next time you see me I’ll be with twenty others.” He started to say something else and then I interrupted and said bye. Twenty others. Wow. There was heaviness in the pit of my stomach. Something between wanting to cry, scream, and vomit but its was too low in my gut for any reaction to manifest. Like having an emotional stomachache…emotive food poisoning.

A couple of friends and I went to an after-work spot to celebrate them successfully passing their defenses. We were having fun. I saw him. Said hi, hugged. Then I saw her again. The weirdness came again. Went to a party. A friend and I were standing in line. I saw him. I looked at him but didn’t think he saw me. My friends said to call him and ask to skip the line. I said I didn’t want to ask him for anything. We got to the door. Said hi, hugged. He said I should have called him so that we wouldn’t have had to wait. I told him something. I don’t know what though. Anyway, we went in my people and I were chillin’. We go to get some air in the hallway and who do I see. Her again. Standing with him. She seemed to be standing there the whole night. Weirdness again. For somebody who doesn’t have a girlfriend, he definitely has ONE girl directly attached to his hip. Weirdness. As we left he said

“Next time be sure to tell me you’re coming so you won’t have to wait. Stopping acting funny.”

I told him “its hard to not act funny.” As a glance at the girl who had her back to me.

“Why, are you feeling me?”

“I was.”

“Don’t act like that we family.”

We family? What does that mean? Family? I threw up a little bit… in my mouth. Feel a little emotional residue on my palate. What was I thinking? Why lower my standards?

My facebook status for a few days was Melissa “is feeling a little Nola Darling/Lovely-ish.” Both Spike Lee movie references. Nola Darling is the star of “She’s Gotta Have It.” A film many feminist film critics say was a misguided attempt at displaying black women’s sexual liberation. Nola has three men in her life. Each very different. And neither one she wants to commit to. I also have men in my life who I won’t commit to for a variety of reasons. In a nut shell it comes down to religion and culture. Great men. We have great fun together. Great conversations. I would like them to be in my life in some capacity for as along as they are supposed to. I know they will do anything for me and they know I have their back. But there are some road blocks. Lovely is the “stage name” of Judy in Spike Lee’s “Girl 6.” Judy is a wanna be actress who finds herself employed as a phone sex operator. She gets this one caller. I forget his name. I think its Joe or something. Anyway, he is her regular. The other women tell her not to get evolved with the callers. She is just there to fulfill their fantasy. Which they are each explicitly told is a white woman. Of course Judy and many of the other women are black or of color. She sets up a date with Joe for Coney Island. She waits. And waits. And waits in the foggy empty park on a bench., until a white gentlemen in a business suit walks by. She calls out to him. Again and again. He doesn’t turn around. He doesn’t acknowledge her. We, the audience, don’t know for sure of its Joe because throughout the film his face hasn’t been completely clear. But we assume it is him because anyone else would have at least turned around even if she called the wrong name. She wasn’t his fantasy or she became too real. Lovely gets wrapped up in the fantasy world and never escapes. She leaves for LA or New York to pursue acting but we don’t get a sense that she has learned her lesson. My Lovely-ishness is that I wanted Monk to be someone that he wasn’t. He is the stereotypical dude, at least when it came to me. I wanted him (whether I thought this consciously or subconsciously) to assist me in my escapism. I wanted intimacy that made me feel safe. Intimacy that said, “everything is going to be fine Melissa. You are doing a great job. Just relax.” But I didn’t relax. I got more tense. More things to think about.

I had a long talk with my ex-boyfriend about intimacy. I told him that he was the first person that made me feel like intimacy was not a bad thing. Not an uncomfortable thing. It can be safe. Nice. Comfortable. Safe. Sex was not initially presented to me in that way. So sex as something that is not negative/completely comfortable was relatively new to me. I feel like I expected that new found feeling to translate over to Monk and our intimacy would help me cope with reality. In reality, Nola was compensating for a liberation denied to her and those before her. In reality, Lovely was an out-of-work actress who dressed as Coffey Brown and Dorothy Dandridge and got too close to those who were only there to be the receivers of her fantastical persona. So close that after Joe, her closeness with another caller almost cost her, her life. Monk saw me as some sort of fantasy. A unicorn. Some fantastical creature. He wasn’t really interested in me. Just as Joe wasn’t really interested in Judy. He wanted Lovely. The persona. No commitment. Monk wanted a little bit of unicorn. No strings attached.

So what is the lesson learned? If I know that, then I think the regret will go away. 1) The feeling that I had with my ex-boyfriend was special and can only happen with him or other people how invest their energy in me and I in them. Just because I no longer see sex as necessarily needing to be a bad thing, doesn’t mean is translates into being a good thing with everyone. Its bad with the wrong person. 2) Escapism is dangerous and I need to be more cautious and aware of my thoughts and feelings when I in it. 3) Its nice to be admired and found attractive, but if my guts says this person is bad news (for me emotionally) I need to seriously follow that and disregard whatever it is they are saying. Ultimately they aren’t concerned about how I feel at the end of the day. They are most concerned about fulfilling their fantasy. 4) I know that I have much more than my body to offer. I’m worth more than being someone’s unicorn. I’m a good woman. Any man I’ve dated will tell you that. They continue to tell me that. And I feel that. I know that. Granted, being someone’s unicorn does not take away from who I am and how I define myself. Again, its nice to be admired. Its flattering. But it must stay there. Stay as something simply flattering, if their intentions are not in my best interest. All of this sounds nice. I just need to make sure I remain conscious and aware of my thoughts, feelings, and stress level. And then I will be continue to be fine. God willing. Writing has loosened the weirdness. It also weakened the already decrepit attraction I had for Monk. He is still interesting. If I have a question about music I’ll probably send him an email. If I plan to attend his party I might send him a text. But that will probably take a while. Not sure. The weirdness hasn’t gone away completely yet. But it will.