I think it sucks when you are interested in someone and it feels like they are not as interested in you as you are of them. My opposite-sex interactions usually fall in these categories a) they are interested in me by I am, at most, lukewarm about them, b) I am interested in them, they are interested in me, and we date or hang out and really enjoy each other's company, lastly c) I am interested in them and they appear to be, lukewarm about me. D*mn that sucks. There is this guy who I find attractive and he finds me attractive. We have talked on the phone for hours before and we have hung out once. He's like a new toy (not trying to say that he or any other man are comparable to disposable inanimate objects but just roll with me for the analogy). You get this new toy and it looks great, the highlighted features are in bold bright letters on the box and you imagine the fun times you could have with this toy. This guy is attractive, he appreciates art, he loves music, and his field of work is directly connected to my research interests. But he doesn't appear to be as anxious as I am to get to know me. I guess what I need to ask myself is why am I so anxious? My first thought is that I enjoy interesting people and it is cherry on the cake if they are attractive and they are attracted to me. My second thought is that I already see some huge (and not so huge) stop signs that tell me that a relationship would not work. A) He is homophobic. Now, he won't it admit it, he says "I'm not homophobic I just don't like gay people" which, if I'm not mistaken, is the very definition of homophobia. I'm not gay so his feelings about gay people aren't particularly aimed at me however; it's a turn off, annoying and offensive to be around someone who isn't more accepting of different lifestyles. B) He says he not looking for a relationship (this would be the HUGE stop sign). So what that seems to translate to is he is looking for a f*ck buddy. Friends with benefits. Whatever you want to call it. I think I am trying to convince myself that he could be or is interested in me because I am, in general, an interesting person. Maybe I'm in a dream world. Probably am. I am interested in him because he is interesting. I guess everyone isn't me. But I could have ulterior motives as well. I might not be overtly looking for a sexual partner but, subconsciously I probably am. What I mean is I rarely yearn for sex itself. I often yearn for intimacy. Cuddling, kissing, touching etc. I am most comfortable in this foreplay mode if I am comfortable with the person. I become comfortable with the person after I've gotten to know them and I feel like they have my best interest in mind. I can relax. Sometimes that leads to sex, sometimes it doesn't. (I've had sex when I wasn't completely comfortable with the person and it is a very bad idea and often the sex sucks so I avoid it. It ends up being pointless and anticlimactic). It appears that he, and maybe many other people, don't need this pre-sex, platonic interaction. This was most obvious when he came over my house, we talked for some hours (after we had talked for 5 hours on the phone), we kissed, then he preceded to attempt to undress me and himself. I feel like I want to block out or push to the side his sexual motives and focus on our interesting conversation. Is it unfair to want him to push aside his sexual motives as well? Hmm, maybe unfair isn't the word. Infeasible? Unlikely? After our interaction, interest could either go to a higher level or plummet. I think we each took two different road;s mine up, his down. Mine went up more so because of the conversation. His down because we didn't have sex. Now, I feel like I should be grateful. Why continue to interact with someone who probably only wants to have sex with you? Again, I'm trying to block that part out. Probably because interesting attractive people don't often come in the same body and we get excited about them. I get excited about them. He said we appear to be coming at this interaction from two different "paradigms." He says he simply wants me. Point blank and I am thinking this too much. Well, I think that he isn't thinking enough. Guess that is two different paradigms. So back to the toy. So you get this new toy, you mother gives you batteries, and you play with it all day. You figure out the different mechanisms and start trying out all the different gadgets. Then the batteries die and your mother doesn't have any more. You're disappointed. But what can you do, you don't have any batteries. You look in your other toys for batteries but they are the wrong size for the new toy. You are disappointed for a little while longer (a day or two) and then you go play with a different toy. Maybe a month or so later, your mom remembers to pick up batteries from the store for you so that you can play with your new toy but the novelty has worn off. You don't use the new batteries. The new batteries get stored away for something else.
He was a new toy. The type of toy you hear about (attractive, smart, charismatic etc). But somehow he lost his batteries. He shut down and didn't want to play anymore. He wanted this cake I baked because he said I didn't get him anything for his birthday (a joke of course). He said he was going to come get it at a certain time but didn't come. SIDE NOTE: Now, while being in the mid-west I have discovered that the mid-west is not in the special class of "southern hospitality" people such as people like me from the south. "Special" meaning, it feels like social interactions happen differently with people from the south, or rather, raised in a particular way. I have noticed this from men mostly in friendships, romantic situations, and professional settings. If you are going to do something, then do it. If you are going to be late, call. If you are not coming, let someone know. I've been taught that to not do this is rude and inconsiderate. I have not gotten this from men from the south (whether I was located in the south or men interacting with me in the mid-west who are from the south). I don't know what it is. Must be something in the water. Anyway, he didn't come, he didn't call, and all of this was yesterday. So part of this is that I think it was somewhat rude and inconsiderate but more so the frustration is fuel by disappointment. Boo, this sucks. But I assume he is saying the same thing, "Dang, I told her she was attractive, I talked with her all day, kissed her, touched her, and she still won't give it up." Oh well. Such is life. Me wanting him to come get this cake last night was probably an attempt to recharge his batteries. "Hey look, we can be friends, we can be cool and not have sex. See we are eating cake and having fun." LOL. Am I really in dream land? If I am what is the dream if we are really after the same thing just going about it in different ways? Maybe the dream is that I think or at least hope my way can be applicable and accepted in all situations. Him not coming or calling last night is making him lose his novelty. If he has given up because I'm not offering what he wants then why aren't I so quick to give up since he isn't offering what I want? Well, the anxiety is slowly (but surely) diminishing. It feels like I'm in elementary school or something. Looking forward to him calling. More so yesterday that today. Well, I foresee our interactions being minimal. Maybe we will talk every now and then or we will run into each other on occasion and catch up a little. (The batteries will eventually get stored). Not sure if a large bulk of this is from me being really attracted to him or me yearning for affection from somebody like him? Gotta put some more thought into that one.
SIDE NOTE: I was told that " a 'good man' is hard to find". I was also asked, "shouldn't it be?" And what exactly is a "good man"? Do we assume that he (whoever "he" is) has some universal all-encompassing characteristics? And why should we be looking for these "perfect" characteristics when we know we aren't perfect ourselves? Actually we understand that we are so vulnerable that we create an unlimited amount of unattainable standards as a false way to protect ourselves from being hurt again. So when we leave a failed relationship, we can say that person clearly wasn't for us because they didn't live up to "the list". So instead of doing some soul searching, we instead place blame and ultimately repeat the same mistakes as before not realizing that the common denominator is us. Change up the fraction in hopes of getting a whole number. Negative digits aren't always so easily divisible. But, on the other hand, we can't or shouldn't always place the blame on ourselves, the "what's wrong with me" mentality. Sometimes there are some self-adjustments we have to make or at least re-visit often but sometimes blame shouldn't be placed on anyone. I also don't like the word blame. It suggests that if a situation that doesn't work out as we hoped then it's a bad thing. Maybe we shouldn't have been hoping for it in the first place. Maybe we were a part of it for the wrong reasons. Maybe if it did happen we would have been worse off. If the situation doesn't work and we've examined our actions and combed through theirs and realize that there was nothing to change then we have to chalk it up to incompatibility. Nothing wrong with them, nothing wrong with you, just two goods don't always make a right. Don't take it personal. It happens. Disappointment happens too. That's the result of us maneuvering through life, actively or passively, looking for a mate. We hit cul-de-sacs. There is nothing inherently wrong with dead ends it's just that our goal was to continue to move forward in ways that the street, the house, the trees won't allow. So we can either park the car in hopes that the houses and trees move so that we can continue through, or turn around and go back to the street we turned off of. Sometimes this is painstaking. Sometimes it's just uncomfortable but always it's a time for reflection. What we should not do is drive in reverse, steady yelling at the unmoving structures then run into oncoming traffic then be in worse shape than before. The house, the tree, the men in the cul-de-sac aren't bad people. There is a car, a women, who will turn down their street, park in their garage and they will happily ever after. Maybe. But that car isn't you and its ok. We often wish for a relationship mapquest or some emotional GPS system so we wouldn't have to turn down so many streets but that isn't the nature of life and human interactions. Hopefully, as we drive we get to better know our cars. Understand how it drives. Know that it can't fit in everyone's garage or the suspension can't handle or won't handle the pot holes on some people's streets. Maybe you shouldn't be on that person's street because they need to do some asphalt reconstruction. Maybe you are supposed to drive down that street at a later date. Maybe not. At the end of the day, we could see these interactions as a laid back cruise enjoying the scenery and utilize this time for reflection or we could be leaning forward with our hands white-knuckled on the steering wheeling driving 100 miles an hour bitter with road rage. I chose the former. I like trees and scenery. And road rage gives me a headache. It only really affects us. The other drivers just ride by and look at us crazy. That can't be fun.
In the mean time, I'm probably going to give this cake away. Can't eat it all myself. Must maintain my girlish figure, LOL.
