Re-lease PART TWO: Let go of feelings for people who were only suppose to be in my life for a season and allowing space for people who are suppose to be in my life for a lifetime

Someone told me you can't lose a friend. That really resonated with me. There have been four people who I have considered "friends" that are no longer in my life: K**dra, Ro, Miles, and Clarence (all in that order). With these four people, I am going to discuss the "friendship", why it ended, what I learned from it, how I feel about it now, and end with a proclamation.

Kendra's disappearance from my life wasn't all that upsetting. We knew each other in high school but were not that close of friends. Then one summer right before I left for graduate school we worked together and became closer. When I found out I was pregnant and moved back home she disappeared. I don't think she is/was very good in "crisis" situations. And me finding out I was pregnant was a crisis. We weren't close friends and, if anything, we were in the process of building a foundation for a friendship that maybe could handle a crisis. But at a time when I felt like I didn't have anybody, I thought then that it was pretty shady that she didn't call or come to see how I was doing. However, something I learned from her was her tradition of having theme songs. I still do that today. It seems minor but gets me through the day or trying times. For a certain time in my life I'll have a song that speaks to my situation. Examples of some songs are: "Right to Be Wrong" by Joss Stone, "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson, "Hate On Me" by Jill Scott, "Just Fine" by Mary J. Blige, "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield, and "I Don't Want To Be" by Gavin DeGraw. I don't feel all that upset about it. There is still something in me that says "she was wrong for that" but outside of that statement I believe I'm pretty free of it.

Proclamation: I am free of Kendra's choice to not be the friend I wanted her to be and I accept that she was in my life for a reason and a season. I should have standards for what I want and expect friends to do, but when they don't do them I need to re-evaluate my definition of friends and/or re-label that person as an associate and not a friend.

Rhuneisha was somebody that I hung out with a lot during the latter half of high school and then into part of my grad school career. As long as we knew each other I don't think our relationship had much substance. I don't think we really shared any deep feelings with each other. Everything we would talk the conversation would always be about her. If I started talking about something going on with me it (90% of the time) turned into a story about her. I asked myself sometime in undergrad "what is my role in this friendship?" I thought that maybe it was to be her sounding board. To let her release stuff. It often felt draining to me. Especially when I wanted to talk about stuff that dealt with me. I wanted an equal exchange but it didn't happen. One day she called me to tell me she was engaged. Mind you, she has always labeled me her "best friend" but I never hear about the guys she's with until they break-up or something. So she tells me about this new guy and I got a bad feeling about him. Something about this situation wasn't right. And I felt like I couldn't be honest with her. I couldn't tell her how I was feeling. So now I'm the maid of honor and I'm starting to plan her bachelorette party. A few months later after I had called a few times to ask her about the people she wants to attend and other things, she tells me the wedding is off. Not until later did I think about "well when was she going to tell me? After I spent money on reserved spaces and spending time trying to coordinate things?" But I told her how I felt about the guy since I figured it didn't matter now, and she tells me that she never told me about the guy because I'm not or haven't been a good friend to her. I'm thinking, really? I told her ok, bye and I hung up the phone. Not angrily but more so accepting the accusation and moving on. Oddly, I wasn't that angry. More shocked than anything else. I thought it was a little messed up that all this time I'm thinking I'm being a good friend by being her sounding board and simultaneously depleting my energy tank by spending energy on someone who wasn't very interested in the things going on in my life. I do think if I run into her, I'm not sure what I would say. I don't know what I would do, but I'm not worried about it. Things will unfold naturally.

Proclamation: I have learned that if a friendship is not fulfilling me and the energy is not being reciprocated then the relationship has the potential to become toxic and is doomed to end. I am free from Rhuneisha's accusation of me not being a good friend. I forgive Rhuneisha. I am no longer interested in maintaining this "friendship" that was not based on substantive feelings and interactions.

Miles was an ex-boyfriend of mine. When we were together in undergrad, I thought I was deeply in love with him but now I realized that I was more so attached to him. For a while I have allowed men to help create my identity and to "fill my tank." Whenever I was distraught, upset, angry, sad… something, I wanted to go to Miles' house to feel better. We watched TV, cuddled, had sex, something to take my mind of whatever was going on with me. Me being attached to him and thinking (or hoping) that he was attached to me, had me believing that we were going to be together forever. I thought that since over four years or so we had been together, we had met all of each other's families that everything seemed good. I just knew we were going to continue this. But once I said I was going to move to Ohio for graduate school, he said that he had been in a long distance relationship before and it didn't work out. He didn't want to try it again. He told me this in the very beginning of the relationship but I wasn't listening. I was so hurt. He said he wanted us to remain friends and visit each other on holidays and call each other to stay in contact. That seemed to make the hurt worse. I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore. I said I didn't want to see him again. He was upset and angry. He didn't understand why I couldn't be friends with him. We continuing to interact only reminded me of what I thought we could have. What I wanted us to have. I felt like if he really loved me he would still be with me and we would make it work. I felt like I would do whatever I needed to, to make it work and he wasn't, therefore he must not really care about me. Today, I don't feel like that is the case. I feel as if it was his way of protecting his heart the best way he knew how. His last relationship with someone he really cared about failed because of the long distance so why do it again? That just doesn't seem smart to repeat a mistake. But I felt like he should have loved me enough and want to be with me enough to jump leaps and bounds for me as I felt I would for him. That wasn't fair for me to ask that because I have a stopping point, just as anyone else. I say I will do anything, most things, but will I? It sounds good but when I truly feel my heart is on the line and I feel that it had a 90% chance of getting smashed would I really still lay on the train tracks? I can't fault him. Maybe I can see that he did care. The fact that he was angry that I wanted to break contact and that he still attempted to communicate with me after I tried to end it, shows that he might care more that I wanted to believe. I feel as if I was immature in that stage in my life. I wasn't sure and couldn't articulate what I wanted out of our relationship. I wasn't clear and wasn't ready for a man who knew himself better that I knew myself. I had some growing to do (still growing), and I recognize how he has helped me to do that whether he knows it or not. I tried to call him recently but found out he was out of the country. I'm not trying to reignite anything. I do want to be clear about my actions in the past (and recent history). Feel like I owe him that. Or I owe myself that. I want to make sure I am clear and make sure my past is as orderly as possible even if I have to retract some statements. I should not have cut him off like I did. He treated me with the utmost kindness, love and respect and I appreciate him for that. In my head it seems nice if we could start again as friends. Not quite sure about that though. But if not, I know that I can close that chapter knowing that I recognized my faults and did the best I could.

Proclamation: Although some of Miles' actions towards me were hurtful, I could see that they were logical to him. He was very clear about what he would and would not do in a relationship but I decided to ignore that in hopes that I would be the exception to his rules. I will not expect people, men specifically, to bend over backwards for me when I know they are liable to get hurt. It is not fair, it is selfish, and it was my conscious or subconscious way of trying to confirm his love for me. This method is detrimental and unsuccessful. I will measure someone's love and care for me by how their words and actions help to fill my emotional and spiritual tank. I release the anger and disappointment I had for Miles in regards to not being the partner and friend I wanted him to be.

Jonathan is an ex-boyfriend. This is the situation that spawned this entry. There seems to be much more emotion behind this re-lease than any of the other ones. Probably because it is the more current. What is interesting about this situation is that I feel like it is the reverse of me and Miles' situation. So Clarence has removed me from his life because he said that it hurt too much. We both decided to break-up but during our relationship we thought we would always be friends. He said, I remind him of what we could have been. He said we need time away from each other. We need some "space." Which sounded a lot like "I don't ever want to see you again…at least not for a long time." That really upset me. Maybe partly because I felt like I was being blown off but more so because I felt like he was my closest friend. I felt like we went through so much together, revealed so much to each other, and felt so strongly about each other that we were bound to be, at least, friends for life. I think that it is that very glue that I thought would keep us together is what has drove me away from him. With Miles, I felt like, "if only he would change his mind. If only he would come live with me in Ohio. If only he could love me that way I want to be loved then everything would be fine. Great even." It's pretty big deal for someone to change. It's worst when we expect them to change for us. If Clarence is thinking, "if only Melissa would change her mind. If only Melissa would except my non-religious ideas and become 'fog' like me. If only she would change and be the woman I want to be with, then everything would be fine…great even." But I'm not going to change. And maybe Clarence feels a lot like I did with Miles. And maybe my anger and confusion are similar to how Miles was feeling. Clarence's reactions are similar to mine with Miles and my feelings and actions fall in line with Miles'. What is the lesson here? Is this pay back? Is God punishing me for being mean to Miles? I don't think so. I was protecting my heart the best way I knew how as well. Was this situation with Clarence a way for me to better understand Miles and his feelings so that we can start anew? Hmm…I don't know. I still think there are some additional issues that Miles and I didn't tackle when we were together that still would need addressing. I'm not sure what the lesson is. If Miles and I are suppose to be together that would be interesting. It doesn't seem like that would be the answer. We would still be long distance and…well, I'm not going to harp on the "maybe's". What I will do is send Miles and letter and whatever happens from there happens…or doesn't happen.

Proclamation: I understand Clarence's actions more than I thought I did. I'm still not sure if him removing me from his life makes us friends on some weird break from each other or we were only suppose to be in each other's life for a season. I release any harbored anger and resentment I had for Clarence. Me allowing him the rent space in my mind is not beneficial to me. I was hurt that I had to find out through someone else that he was in an accident and in the hospital. If we were friends wouldn't he have called me or something? Especially since I had talked to him since then? I will not allow his ambivalent interactions with me to carry so much emotional weight. Me allowing him to rent space in my mind has become toxic. His payment to my spirit is anger and resentment. As much as I think I understand his actions, I can no longer consider understanding them and trying to interpret them my goal. The time spent on him is of no benefit to me. I release Clarence and the thought that we would be, could be, should be lifelong friends. I now make room something new.

PART ONE: Who and what do I need to re-lease?

Re-lease: acknowledging that our minds are occupied by things. People, events and emotions towards those people and events. We allow these occupatants to "lease" space in our minds, hearts, and spirits. Just as any other leasing agreement, the leasing or renting comes at a cost. Those occupatants pay our bodies in either positive or negative ways. One negative manifestgation is anger. That anger can then manifest itself in bitterness and poor relationships. So we have to ask ourselves, "who are we allowing to lease space in our minds and how are they paying us? Who or what needs to be re-leased?"

Re-lease 1: The ideal image that I want my mother to be
My mother isn’t perfect. I don’t think anyone is. But for some reason I want her to have all the answers. I think it is because of selfish reasons. I selfishly want to be able to call her, tell her my problems and her pull out a remedy from her back pocket. It could be because searching for answers is challenging. Self-work is a laborious tasks and I want someone who can give me the cliffnotes version and solutions to my circumstances. I have been angry at her because of this. For the past few years I have felt like the parent. I have felt like some of the decisions my mother makes and has made have been detrimental to her emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically. The decisions seem to be glaringly obvious. And when I point them out it seems that I only make things worse. Often times I feel alone in my laborious task of self-work. Alone in the sense that often times I feel as if I don’t have someone to say what’s going on with me and they offer possible solutions and I am that a “solver” for many people. I can call my mother about something and the traditional response is, “I don’t know what to tell you Missy.” And it’s not that she doesn’t care or this is a response for me to leave her alone, rather I believe she genuinely doesn’t know what to say. I’m not sure why she doesn’t know what to say. I think she doesn’t know what to say to me because, maybe she hasn’t or isn’t used to asking herself questions and analyzing her life and life choices. Maybe she would rather push all the emotions down and trying to forget about them, rather than exploring them. Maybe I’m supposed to help her through that, but its challenging when we have our own issues between the two of us. I talked to her last night about the women’s retreat I went to last weekend. The conversation turned into how I have discovered that I still feel hurt by how she hasn’t protected me. By family members who have disrespected me verbally and physically and how it seemed as if she has sat back and tolerated it. This isn’t a new conversation. I have said this to her before. And she always says, “How do you know I didn’t say anything?” But if she was genuinely was hurt, angry, and was really as protective as she claims she is, why hasn’t she disassociated with molesting family members? Why does she tell ME to apologize to people who have hurt me? Why does she tell me to change my behavior towards the perpetrators or go out of my way to be nice to someone who kicked me and my son out of their house? Its like the stories of little girls who have been raped by their uncle and the little girl is punished and the uncle is still invited to the family reunion. Isn’t that a slap in the face? Then the little girl asks her mom “why didn’t you stand up for me” and the mom says “I told uncle so-and-so that what he did was not very nice, then I took him to go get ice cream.” Yeah the mother said something but how serious was she? If the disrespect continued to happen then she apparently was not taken to be very seriously. My mom is so focused on wanting people to liking her that she makes all these extra efforts towards people who are undeserving of her extra attention. She is so focused on the fictitious dream of a tight family that she dismisses the times when family has turned on each other. It’s as if she doesn’t know who to pledge her allegiance to: Her daughter or other family members? She chooses neither in hopes that it will all blow over. But what happens is her lack of a strong stance for me translates into no response. A lack of care, not acknowledging my feelings and silencing me.

PROCLAIMATION:
I release the fictitious protective image of my mother that has constantly disappointment me when I needed someone in my corner. I release my anger that has manifested itself from that disappointment. I release the duty I have given myself to point out the decisions I believe to be spiritually, emotionally, and physically damaging and allow her to choose her path however painful I think it is. I release the take-charge, all-knowing, spiritually supportive mother character that I have been praying for my mother to be. I release the boundaries that have ignored my mother’s greatness and only focused on her weaknesses. I release the “heightened-sense” that points out her faults and not acknowledging her triumphs. I release these actions because they were my subconscious way of trying to hurt her as much as I have been hurting because of what I viewed was her fault. I release placing blame on my mother. I release the anger-boundaries that haven’t prevented me from loving my mother completely. The way she deserves to be loved.

To my Langston...

I miss you honey. When times got tough thank you for saying "no crying mommy!" and "you do good job mommy." Mommy will always remember even when you forget. I love you more than you can ever know.





See you soon,