“Fuck You”: A poem retracted…kind of

Dear Lover,
I meant what I said before. I meant it in the sense that it was raw, pure and honest emotions.
Today I talked to my mother and she got me to thinking.
Thinking about what you might be thinking…feeling
About what you have said
She said that maybe you genuinely are hurting
Maybe we being friends only reminds you that you want more
A friend once told me that she didn’t want a friendship as a consolation prize for a failed relationship
It was a power statement when she said that to me
Maybe that’s how you feel
Maybe, for you, it hurts more to be friends where for me being friends hurts less
Maybe there is not a compromise and someone has to get their way
It wasn’t me
My mom said “maybe you two are suppose to be together but there is some internal, individual, personal, introspective work that needs to happen before you all can unite…”
That sounds good, and it just may be true but I can’t think about that
I can’t think about when maybe, possibly at some time, we might live happily ever after

Now I don’t know how to feel about all of this
She threw a wrench in my thoughts
I was ok with thinking that you might have simply stopped caring or you didn’t care enough
I was dealing with simply chalking it up to my bad judgment
I am not angry anymore
There are negative feelings there but to call them “anger” would be an erroneous label
I feel twisted
But I’ve been feeling twisted for the last week because of other things, events, circumstances
But this has definitely made my knots tighter…my body doesn’t handle stress well

The “uncomfortableness” makes me want to forget you
Knowing I can’t go to you for comfort, laughter, small talk makes me wish I could forget you
Knowing that my mother could be wrong and I am right makes me need to forget you
Your feelings, your wants won and now I feel like the loser of an unfair game

Because I care for you, I want you to be happy and if us being friends makes you feel the way I feel when we aren’t, then I don’t want you to feel that way
But I still can’t help but feel upset that there weren’t accommodations made for my feelings
Maybe you tried. I guess we did try.
Is that selfish? Me wanting accommodations for my feelings?
Aren’t your actions selfish?
A defense mechanism?
I have been selfish
I didn’t give you the room you asked for
I’m sorry for my selfishness
Did I force you to make such a decision?
I guess I didn’t help. I didn’t give you the space to “get over me”
I don’t think I wanted you to
I don’t think I wanted to get over you

So I know the “Fuck You” poem made you upset with me…I could tell in your response
Your reaction makes sense because I was upset with you
But I don’t want us to end on a bad note so know that…
I love you
And to some degree I always will
You have added more to my life than you will ever know
I truly wish all the best for you
That’s how people feel when they love someone

Sincerely…