"Fuck You": An introspective poem...rant...thoughts

Lover,
I realize that this letter may be more for me than you but part of this is about me sending this to you. Do with it what you will.

I daydreamed that you stayed after you dropped off the vacuum cleaner. We continued the phone conversation we had earlier today and I ended with, “I don’t care about your feelings and I don’t care about you so get the fuck out of my house!”

A big part of me still wants to say that.

But people can’t be angry or show strong emotions towards something or someone unless they care. Only thing is, I’m not sure if my “care” comes solely from me caring about you, me caring about my pride, or both.

I feel like a good deal of it is from me feeling like I loved you in vain. Me feeling like I genuinely…genuinely loved you completely for no reason.
And when I say “love” it isn’t just a romantic love.
It’s a love that means I care about this person’s well-being.
I care if they are happy or sad.
I care about their feelings.
I’m hurt because it doesn’t feel like you care about mine.
My feelings.
I’m hurt because I feel like you didn’t consider me in your decision making.
"I have to remove you in order to get over you."
Should I feel good that I need to be "gotten over"?
Does that say something about your feelings?
Maybe. Possibly.
But if I think about that to long I will just get confused. Sad. More angry.

A big part of me wishes I hadn’t met you.
A big part of me wishes I didn’t ever have to see you again.
A big part of wishes I could see you hurting, because it looks to be so easy for you to not be.
I wish people would stop asking for you.
Stop looking out the window and in the bed for you.
I wish people would forget you...us
I want to forget you.
I want to hate you but I can’t.
I won’t.
That’s unproductive and it’s just my feelings talking.
My anger talking.

I want to say “get the fuck out of my life!” But I’m sure I would regret it later.
The tone and the expletive more than the actual request.
I don’t want to love you and I wish I didn’t anymore.
Right now I’m upset.
Angry.
Partly at myself for allowing myself to welcome you into my life and my heart and partly at you for willingly removing me from yours.
I love you now but it doesn’t matter. It will go away.
My feelings for you will taper as it sinks in that you removed me which makes you undeserving of such affection.
Such mental time.
It will sink in that you probably didn’t love me. At least not enough.
It will sink in that you are a nice guy that met a nice girl; it didn’t work out so you kept it moving.
It will sink in that all of this happened for a reason.

Maybe that which is suppose to sink in is what I have manufactured to believe.
I have manufactured...
Because if you did love me then your actions don't make sense.
Or maybe they don't make sense because it isn't what I want. What I envisioned. Maybe you real do love me. Did? Do.
But I can't think about that.
I will just get confused. Sad. More angry.
If you did love me, you would be figuring out how to not hurt me. Right? No. Maybe.
It sounds good at least. It helps me at least.
If you tried to not hurt me then I wouldn't feel so bad but maybe to your detriment.
Maybe. No. Possibly. I don't care. Whatever. No, not whatever.
Confusion comes from pain, from disillusionment.
Self-defeatist? Self-fishness?
That's unfair.

Manufacturing...
Why manufacture the thoughts and feelings of someone else?
Why manufacture thoughts and feelings that make me less than I am worth.
Why make myself believe that you "didn't care anyway"?
Aren't I worth carrying about?
Couldn't the feelings you say you have be real?
Why can't I, won't I, choose not to believe that?
But I can't think about that. I will just get confused. Sad. More angry.
But maybe I should think about it.
Pain.
Disillusionment.
History.
Family.
Men.
Hurt.
Abuse.
Disrespect.
Pain.
Worthy.
Worthless.
Mattering.
Not mattering.
History.
Present....
Present.

There is a reason I feel like this.
There is a reason I offered myself to you regrettably.
I hate regret. Such a stupid feeling. A worthless feeling. Can't do anything about the past except accept it
But a sense, an emotion a feeling none the less.

I feel like you don’t have to worry about me wanting to speak with you or hang out with you, because right now I wish I didn’t know you.
It will be nice when this all goes away.
Maybe I care more about caring and being cared for.
Maybe this isn’t about you and it never was.
Maybe I don’t love you and I’m just more interested in loving and feeling as if I was being loved. That makes this easier.
Now I don’t have to figure out if you really did care about me or if I just happened to be a nice girl that was available for a relationship.
That’s a bad path anyway.
How could I ever get or accept the real answers if I think I know them already?
Creating my own answers. That's easy. Then I can guide my own feelings and actions based on judgements that I have made whether they are false or not.
Then I can dismiss you with ease.
Maybe.
At least that's what I will tell myself.

But I am still upset.
Angry that you have hurt me.
You have hurt me and I have done nothing to you but love you. How do I deserve this?
What did I do?
Maybe that part is about you and I didn’t do anything, but I’m still hurt none the less.
A feeling no less.
So should I end this a “fuck you get out of my life” rant?
No. Not becoming of me.
But more importantly I think it is already happening.

Good Bye Lover.