I’ve been thinking about writing this post for the past few days. Not quite sure why, but here goes. There was a guy I started seeing. I knew him since 2005. We were both in the same academic department at one time. We had the type of relationship where we would talk on and off for long periods of time. We would have a really long 2-3+ hour conversation and might not talk about for 3-4 months. Then the cycle would start again. Our conversation would be really fun. He is so funny and we both like to make jokes. It seemed like we would feed right into the other person’s joke.
One time about a year ago he was dating a female and he would talk to me about how he was in love with her. He made her out to be extremely ungrateful and using him. I didn’t know why he was still with her. Then the three of us went to a local bar for happy hour and I saw their interactions. She wasn't what I pictured. Well the way she acted wasn't what I pictured. He was being mean to her. His sarcasm went over-board with her. I felt kinda bad for her. She didn’t appear to be as comfortable with it as he was. She rarely had a comeback. She just kinda made a face or a sound or something. Their interactions were different than he and I’s. Although he is very sarcastic, with her it was a nit-picky playing type of sarcastic, “Dang girl, you don’t know how to drink out of wine glass? (Ha ha) you are so lower class. Let me teach you.” I think what made it awkward for me is that she didn’t know me so even if she was cool with this type of interaction constantly, its not something you do in front mixed company. I’m not sure why he didn’t take that into account.
Anyway, I hadn’t really thought about dating him and viewing that interaction made it go further from my mind. So, as our usual cycle, it was some months before we reconnected. By then the two of them broke-up and he was VERY adamant about NOT talking about her. I was silent and I let him talk. I just listened and we ended up talking about it anyway. So we talked for a while grabbed lunch a few times, his break-up taking majority of the conversation. I didn’t mind, I was willing to be an ear and an objective voice. Some more months passed and we reconnected. It was right after I came back from Caribana in Canada and my whole Miles situation. This time my relationship stuff was the majority of the conversation. And he, as I was for him, I listening ear and an objective voice. It was good to have a guy opinion. We went to lunch and for ice cream and Cold Stones. By the time we left the ice cream place it was dark. I think we went to his house and ended up talking to about 5am. We didn’t try anything. It felt complete platonic. I left to go home. This time around, the reconnection was longer. We hung out more and talked more often. Somehow his ex would still make her way into conversations and it wasn’t such a big deal. It started feeling kinda old though.
Then he told me over instant messenger that he liked me more than a friend. I still wasn’t sure how to respond to all of that. Not only because his ex was still on his mind but also I had seen the way he acts when he is in a relationship. He told me he was in-love with his ex after they had been talking or dating for a couple of months. Now I don’t really believe in instant love, I feel like it is usually something else like lust or a craving for romantic attention etc. Anyway, just because
I don’t, doesn’t mean other people don’t. But the problem with him and her is that he didn’t feel like the feelings were reciprocated, which means he is probably creating (or created a one sided relationship). Anyway, this was so clear when we would talk as friends and I saw the stop signs, stop lights and loud horns that said “Date him?! Hell NO!” So, I proceeded with caution or so I thought.
One night he came over. I think to add some programs on my computer or something. I thought we would probably watch TV, cuddle and stuff. Well, as you can expect, more happened. I was a little upset with myself. But he was my friend and I felt that even though we are attracted to each we would both agree that we were both in vulnerable places because we both were dealing with past relationships and coming to terms with them. Little did I know, this was the worst thing that could have happened.
It was like he did 180 turn in front of me. He became that guy at the bar that I saw with his ex-girlfriend. He was so mean. He would call it playing but I didn’t find it funny. It was a odd situation. He would be mean and on the brink of anger one minute then very nice, sweet and affectionate. Then back to mean again. Like at the bar with his ex. I don’t know what I expected or at least I didn’t think he would act like this with me. But also in the midst of all of his mean-nice cycles he would be very open with me. He told me that he suffers from depression and takes medication. He is an alcoholic. He has high blood pressure. She smokes/sniffs cocaine. He has tried to commit suicide. He doesn’t like (maybe at one point hated) his father. He loves his mother. Admires his oldest brother. Cherishes his niece. He loves design. Really appreciates his other older brother. His sister in law committed suicide. Most of his childhood he was teased. He has demanded attention from his family so much that he would be dismissed.
And as he would open up to me I was put in this awkward place. I didn’t trust him with my feelings because of his harshness towards me, but yet he was entrusting me with his. And when I did express myself, somehow the conversation always went back to his feelings and how I wasn’t supporting them. So I stopped sharing and instead listened. But what made this really awkward is that partly I thought it was my duty to listen as a friend but I was also very uncomfortable with the situation and wanted to leave completely. All our conversations turned into how he thought I was probably taking advantage of him and that he loved me more than I loved him and how he didn’t understand why I was still hanging around him. Yet I was asking myself the same thing. I wasn’t sure. Maybe hoping things would go back to “normal”. I wished things would go back to the way they were. As much as he said I was being selfish I thought he was being the most selfish. I would try to explain to him what I felt and I would be straight up with him but it didn’t matter. It was like I was engulfed in a cloud and I couldn't see my way out. Where as before, I felt like I was standing outside of the cloud and could see him inside and I’m trying to direct him out the cloud of emotional confusion. I walked in willingly thinking I could jump right back out with no problem. And as I write this I feel absolutely ridiculously. I SAW THIS COMING A MILE AWAY!!!
Is this
railroad tracks syndrome? I thought I was in the grass? But I thought all of that theory applied when the feelings are lopsided and I am the person who falls for people out to hurt me? I don’t think he was out to hurt me. I do think he can’t see anyone else’s feelings because he has so many cluttering his space that he needs someone to help him see....to save him from himself. Anyway, all of this happened over the span of about a month and half. I think, with most tumultuous, erratic, uncomfortable 6 weeks of my life. He was drunk about half of the time. Almost every time we were together he was drinking something. Wine mostly. So during this 6 weeks he left home drunk went to the bar, found some strangers and then “played baseball” or inhaled the smoke of burning cocaine. Was dumped in front of his home drunk and woke up in the grass of his apartment building. Told me he had AIDS then said he was kidding. And asked me to marry him....
My cousin came to pick my son up to take him to Florida before school started for me. I had told my cousin about him. She, my son, and I were going to get something to eat and something told me to go check on him. I went to his apartment to find his door open and his music loud. I knocked and he didn’t answer. I walked in and found him curled up in his bed asleep with the music loud. I woke him up and he was drunk. I asked him if he ate. Which he hadn’t. He never has food in the house except left over fast food so I told him he should come get something to eat with us. I picked a fast food Asian restaurant where he bought more alcohol. I discovered there is no successful way to not get him to drink so I stop saying anything. I didn’t know they sold alcohol. I soon wished we would have asked for it to go. He started acting funny because officers were sitting at a table beside us and he was messing with random patrons talking about “playing baseball” and how he was an ex-marine and saw people get blown up in the war. The days that followed that is somewhat of a blur.
Later he decided that we should no longer talk to each other. I told him that was a good idea. But I did not abide by that. Not sure why exactly since I knew how toxic this situation was. I could blame it on the cloud but I am not without agency. I think part of it is a yearning for the good times. Maybe hoping all of this goes away. Another part was that I was afraid for him. I think I wanted to rescue him. Something in me hoped that he would “snap out of it.” And maybe I was just the person with the right fingers. There is something self-righteous about that. Something in me was hoping that God would work through me and help him. But why did I want to be the “rescuer”? That is a taxing job. He would talk to me about God and his faith. So I hoped that I could help in the way of using biblical verses when he would give me rap songs and lyrics to express himself. Is this self-righteous? I felt like a teacher. Was he looking for a teacher was I looking for a student? Where we looking for each other? I made special effort to really think about what I am supposed to learn from this situation. Looking for him to impart some knowledge upon me but I didn’t feel that. I never got it. Was I not receptive? I would like to think I was. Did our toxic situation prevent me from really taking things in? I felt like so much of what he said was not to help me. It was not positive but negative and accusatory. And the more I tried to readjust my thought process (consciously not trying to be a teacher, a mother, a rescuer) the more I felt I made myself vulnerable to his attacks which led me to believe that I was not to receive what he was throwing at me. He could keep it. Time to put the armor on. It got to be too much and I needed a way out and I wasn’t really sure how to leave emotionally and physically.
A few weeks later his grandmother (and I think also his grandfather) died. I believe he texted the information to me. I asked him if needed to talk. But he was upset that I didn’t say that I was sorry for his loss. That just isn’t something that I say. I told him that I think death isn’t a lost and how back home (in the South) when people die we have home-goings which is a practice from slavery. It is based on the idea that people celebrate that a loved one is both able to live a carefree life with our ancestors and don’t have to deal with the hardships of this world. Transmigration. Why should we want someone who we love to remain alive when we can look at them and know that they are suffering? We can see that they aren’t really living but dying slowly. Is it that we want
them to feel better or is it that
we don't want to feel bad? Something is very selfish about that. It makes sense to cry about the times when they were able to love us they way they wanted to. On their terms. In their words. With their arms extended quickly without the illness deep in their bones. I tried to explain to him why I don’t say “sorry for your loss” because I’m not sorry rather I feel your sadness and I am here to support you and listen. But it was a waste of time. I should not have tried. I thought I was being nice but I can see how someone could see my thoughts as hurtful and maybe abrasive. But what am I supposed to say if it isn't something that I say? If I was raised to view death differently? Am I supposed to ask for a script? Am I supposed to assume what will and won’t offend? It’s not like I opened the conversation with “I’m not sorry for your loss but I will listen to your sadness.” So he got offended because I didn’t say what he wanted me to say and it was like that throughout the six weeks. He didn’t care why, I didn’t say it. Instead he said that I should die screaming (about 5 or 6 times on the phone and text messages). That was it for me as far as hoping that we would ever be friends again...hoping that maybe if I stick around long enough he will “snap out of it.” I wasn’t upset. Maybe more so relieved. He then texted me and left a voice mail saying that he was sorry. I thought we needed a break. Maybe after he dealt with his grandparents’ deaths and started focusing on himself more that we could at least be cordial. Not hang out or talk on the phone or anything, but if we saw each other he wouldn’t talk about me dying.
So some days went by and I was on facebook going through people’s profiles and I ran across his profile. I watched some videos he made a while back. I typed in the box beneath it that I liked it. He typed back “thank you”. I’m thinking this is good. I wasn’t planning on saying anything else in any form for a while. We hadn’t talked, texted, emailed or anything for at least a week and it felt good to not be arguing with anyone. Relieved. But little did I know that this would spark another tirade of text messages. I should have known. But I figured since he said he was sorry and all of that, that we could send a comment and it not spark something negative. My mistake. Anyway, he decided to tell me that he takes his apology back and said more mean things.
The rescuer in me kicked in and I called his mother hoping for some intervention. (He randomly texted me her phone number one day). Not sure why. She didn’t answer. But I guess he was there and flipped out. Called me a stalker. Said more mean things. So the whole hopeful friendship went out the window and all I had was the rescuer tendencies. And now those were gone. After a few days of random texts and death threats I called the police to file a report. I didn’t press any charges just did it to let them know.
Ok so what did I learn:
- Men can get just as emotional or more so about relationships as women stereotypically do. I don’t think I ever thought that could happen. Which leads me to the next one.
- I should not have told him I loved him. Although I meant it when I said it, we conceptualized it differently. Clearly. He asked me “Do you love me?” It was a weird space. This is after he had told me “fuck you” numerous times then apologized. After I went and got him from the bar and whatever else that happened. At the time, I did really care about him. And was really worried about him but does that mean I loved him? I think I said it because I felt that he needed it. Plus what do you say to a depressed cocaine smoking suicidal alcoholic when they ask you if you love them? Do you say no? Won’t that perpetuate the problem? That was my thought then but the other way isn’t good either. The question just shouldn’t be asked. But since he was asking he was looking for positive reinforcement. I think I might have said it out of pity as well. I felt he needed to be rescued by something and maybe telling him that would help in some way. I felt like he needed to hear it. But it was not a good idea. Very bad idea. Because everything was based on that reply. Which leads me to the next lesson…
- Substance abuse it not something that I am mentally or emotionally equipped to handle. I need to run from it next time
- I am not and should not try to be a rescuer. I will pray for you a walk away.
- Sex with friends is probably THE WORST thing to do EVER.
- Sex changes things for men too. I thought the average man was ambivalent about sex. Especially if it’s someone they are not in a relationship with. For the first time I was the emotionally detached one. Meaning I was pretty sure throughout that this was a suspect situation and I wasn't tied to him in the same ways he was to me. I felt like I might have had a little more restraint than he did.
- I need to listen better.
Below is some correspondence. Maybe it will make sense. Maybe it won’t. I copied and pasted them for the most part and haven’t re-read over them. Not sure what all was said. It is somewhat of a blur of emotionally regurgitation.
9/17/08 To Todd:
I said before that this has the ability to get “messy” and I’m afraid it has. You said you are working on being honest, so I hope you can accept this honesty from me. Just as you feel comfortable talking to me about your ex’s (which I no longer feel is inappropriate given our current status) I hope you are ok with me drawing some parallels between me and a past relationship of mine. When Miles and I first met, he treated me so much better than my last relationship, we got along great and I just knew we would make the power couple. He recently got out of a long term relationship, but I didn’t pay too much attention to that because I knew I was different, I knew I wasn’t going to hurt him, and I knew I wanted to love him. On the contrary he was reserved. Although we spent (at some points) days together I still felt that he wasn’t “all the way” there. He wasn’t completely “there” with me. I didn’t feel as if he really wanted to love me the way I wanted to love him. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t. I am a good woman and a good girl friend. Always supportive. Willing to cook, clean, listen, discuss, care and everything else. I figured there must be someone else or something I’m unaware of. I became extremely frustrated. I felt stupid for giving him my heart. Trusting that he did or would loved me as much as I did him. I would tell him how I felt and all the things that he would do and say that hurt me and made me questions his feelings for me. I have realized that he didn’t love me the way I felt he SHOULD have loved me which is unfair. But in addition, I have recently realized that he was protecting himself. He was trying to ease into a relationship slowly, protecting his heart, while I had already made the decision to love him. I had already made the decision to be his woman and I was waiting for him to make the same decisions. And since he didn’t make them when I wanted him to I felt that there must be something wrong with me or there was someone else holding his attention. I needed him to declare his feelings quickly and with the same intensity as I did so I wouldn’t feel like I was out on a ledge by myself. I needed to know where I stood in his eyes so I wouldn’t have to second-guess his actions, his thoughts, his feelings (eventhough no matter how well I knew him I can’t read minds). I was looking for security. And because I had walked so quickly forward I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t hear him and therefore couldn’t determine his actions. So I decided, on my own, the reason(s) he didn’t act on “my” watch. I decided why he didn’t say what I wanted him to say when I wanted him to say them because if I didn’t answer the questions on my own, then I would be left in a state of confusion and worry, waiting for him to, essentially, do what I wanted him to do. Instead of us deciding that we were going to walk together, we chose our on paces that were fueled by our own separate agendas. Both on a mission to heal and generally feel better. We ultimately became separated, not understanding why the other was moving so quickly or so fast. However, because he was behind me, he could see all that I was doing. Evaluating my actions. But I couldn’t see his. He still cared for me. But I couldn’t see it. I could only see the movie playing in front of me that contained all the desired expressions of love that I wanted to execute. Many of them he was, but I couldn’t see them. I had my own agenda. I wanted him to protect ME, secure ME, help ME, and heal ME. I wasn’t thinking so much about how WE should think about the pace WE should walk or how WE should decide ahead of time what WE were both looking for and if either of us is willing to fulfill that role for the other. Subconsciously I said to myself, “Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.” That ended up translating to, “If I assume the worst rather than assume the best, then I can create and put on the most protective armor and protect myself, then I won’t get hurt and I will be prepared for any surprises.” That’s sabotage. The more and more I encouraged him to speed up, it only forced him to walk at an even slower pace. Less progress. More work. Meaning it was going to take even more time for us to reach common ground. We would argue, I would cry, I’d be angry, and he would say, “what about all the good that I have done? What about all of the good things I have done for you and with you?” I would push those things to the side. Too busy worrying about the surprises. The possible repeated unforeseen heartbreak. I felt that he broke my heart but we really did it to each other. We didn’t compromise. I see a lot of myself in you. I feel like the places are switched and you are me in the relationship with Miles and I (many ways not all). I feel like in many ways we are in the same place in regards to vulnerability, fear, and protective stances that are ironically for and against relationships. I have felt (and in most ways still feel) subconsciously that I needed someone who will remove me from my boxing ring and defensive stance in hopes that I will be able to relax in a way that I have never relaxed before. I wanted them, him, you to be my security blanket. You were right in that I do point out the negative and hold on to it. It’s a pattern that I recognize and that I am trying to stop. In addition, you are in the middle of a healing process that you may want to speed up and I seem to be the person to help you heal. But I am also healing. I am also trying to understand and correct my detrimental relationship patterns. With you I decided to walk slower. Take my time and be sure this time. I feel like you made a decision much sooner than I did and you were angry about it. Angry that I decided not to walk as fast as you. I do care for you and enjoy spending time with you. We have a lot of fun and I enjoy being your friend. I appreciate your kindness, helpfulness, lovingness, openness, and vulnerability. It makes you a wonderful man and I will always love you for that. You will be a loving husband and a loving father. You are a better man than you know.
I don’t want to lose your friendship. I would like us to go back to being friends before we say or do something we each regret. I don’t want to remove you from my life. I care for you deeply and I want us to create a solid, sturdy friendship. Maybe we will stay there; maybe we will move on to something else, but at this point I can’t promise anything else. I’m walking slowly until a get the courage, and wherewithal to speed up.
9/21/08 To Todd;
I recognize I can be selfish. It has been a way for me to protect my feelings in the past. In the past I have held on to minor things( like, not getting a particular item I wanted thinking that meant that whomever I was dating wasn’t really listening to me). I recognize that I am protective of my feelings and heart and I am working to have a healthy amount of caution that doesn’t sabotage relationships. In the case of Todd and me I feel as if the things he has said and some of the ways he has acted were not incidents where I needed to create a story. The hurt instantaneously. I didn’t need to say to myself, “Since he bought me ‘this’ instead of ‘this’ he must not really be listening thus he must not really care.” I feel as if his negative actions were obviously hurtful. I can understand if many of his actions were unintentionally hurtful but I will not open myself to anymore “fuck you’s” or name calling in hopes of a more sensitive boyfriend. How can I be willing to get into a relationship with someone who gets happy/laughs about telling stories about how they hurt people hurt people? How they called their girlfriend a name, picked on her, or hurt her in some fashion? How can I be so quick to switch places with any of them when I can see how that name calling manifests itself? Who can I be certain that he will treat me differently when I still experience similar negativity? He said that I harbor on the negative. Maybe it is because the negative is so blatantly obvious in this case. It’s not minor. And the positive actions do not cancel out the negative ones. I think that he may (or may have) want to be with me, but he is (was) afraid. Maybe because I’m not so quick to deal with/ tolerate his anger like the others. Maybe I can see through his façade and it makes him uncomfortable, thus more vulnerable, thus more prone to get hurt. He may see me as a possible opponent and I see him as an obvious one. Although I wish we can be friends, its getting harder and harder to maintain that wish.
I gave mixed messages I accept that responsibility. I went too quickly into relationship-type actions when I wasn’t ready for it. Because I jumped the gun and went too fast, I tried to make up for it by attempting to back track which is usually unsuccessful in most cases. Messy.
I will continue to ask myself the following questions:
Is it selfishness when one withholds feelings and actions from someone they find emotional harmful?
Should I continue to put energy in a relationship, or try harder, when often times the good and the bad either feels to be equal or the latter feels stronger?
Since sex carries a lot of emotional weight why did I allow myself to become intimate with someone who I was unsure of their intentions with me and methods of handling my feelings and I was unsure of how to handle theirs?
How much energy am I suppose to invest in someone that I am unsure about?
In the future, how do I handle a friend who expresses their feelings for me and try to maintain a friendship while slowly discovering how it would be to switch gears into a relationship without the friendship going sour?
Much more thinking to do.
9/21/2008 To Me:
I'll forward this to Melissa. Do you know her? I can't seem to find her contact info.
9/21/2008 To Todd:
To be expected. Sarcasm trying to make a joke of me expressing my feelings. And you wonder I say I can't trust you with my feelings. You wonder why I was hesitate in entering a relationship with you.
9/22/08 To Me:
I want you to hear this.
Solider’s Dream by Mos Def
"Shame is a prison, you know.
Yeah? Well, discretion is a fortress.
You're staring, and looking too closely."
I'm not even gonna sing on this one
I'm not even gonna take it that far...
umm..
what's that term they call it
umm
post traumatic stress syndrome?
that thing that uhh soldiers be gettin.
I think a lot people get that.
its like when you experience something
and uhhh
it effects you for a long time afterwards.
I guess everything works that way.
certain things have more impact than others.
(IMPACT!)
sometimes it visits you in your dreams
or when you're quiet
or just at peace
or trying to be at peace.
a lot of soldiers get it.
a lot of common people get it.
most of the time common people are soldiers
that's...
that's just the way it works out.
this is a soldier's dream:
the other night...
I was tumbling towards an uneasy sleep...
where I had discovered myself atop the sweet, sticky firmament of my dreams.
daybreak came
and discovered me.
with my fantasies pasted to my face.
I can't look at you right now.
"show me your eyes," she says.
"later," he says.
"now."
"NO."
shame is a prison, you know.
yeah?
well discretion is a fortress.
you're staring, and looking too closely.
There's so much about me that I hide
that careful eyes would recognize...
If you look closely, you'll notice that the pattern on this soft, broad-cloth shirt is made of
working man's blood and prayin folks tears.
If you look closer...
you'll notice that this pattern resembles
tenement road houses
project high rises
cell-block tiers
discontinued stretches of elevated train tracks
slave ship gullies
acres of tomb stones.
if you look closer...
you'll notice that this fabric has been
carefully blended with a
advanced
new aged polymer.
(to make the fabric
light-weight, weatherproof, and durable)
all this
to give some sort of posture and dignity
to a broken body that is a host for scars.
I am the new landmark.
I am the museum of injury...
****martyr****
soldiers visit me
and admire me
quietly
and whisper amongst themselves.
you're no soldier.
your soft bright eyes
never have to survey the battlefield
much less its collective rellects, of which, I am one.
so...
my flesh
bullet ridden
remains hidden
underneath these soft fabrics
which I carefully select
that stand in
for
how I used to feel
for
how I remember feeling
for how I dream about feeling
for how I feel
about you.
and now
your curious fingers
want to search beyond
this tender armor
I can't
look at you right now.
your eyes are too careful.
collecting it all, arranging it all.
surgically.
robotically.
exactly.
I can't look at you right now
but that doesn't matter
because you can look at me
and the longer that I don't return your gaze
the harder that your gaze
starts to run across my back like
a nervous policeman's hands.
brisk.
intent.
anxious for discovery.
if discretion is a fortress
then you're threatening to destroy it
by simply
standing at the gates
and refusing to leave.
I can't look at you right now.
But you can look at me.
See me?
9/22/08 To Todd:
So what do you want me to do? Stay at the gates of your fortress? I'm there because I want to come inside but not only are you nervous about me standing there but your are violently telling me to leave while asking me to stay. You want me to stay on the battlefield and risk being a wounded soldier myself or retreat while my body is still in tact? I feel like if I stay at the gates it will prove to you that I am sincerely interested in coming inside but I feel like the fact that I came to the gate in the first place is proof enough. How much do you want or expect me stand? For me, friendship is standing at the gates without the violence and a relationship is letting me inside. But you seem to either want me to withstand the violence or retreat. I'm am not interested in the former. I dont want to build another fortress.
9/21/08 To Todd
Van Hunt - Down Here In Hell
I really love it when,
I love it when we make mistakes.
Because once again,
it gives me a reason to complain,
I love the battled lines,
the battled lines we draw when crossin the mud
Ooo I love it when we fight,
standing on the verge of breaking up or making love
(Verse 1)
What would I do if we were perfect,
where would I go for disappointment.
Love without pain would leave me wonderin why i stayed.
(Chorus 1)
I think of saving myself,
but with nothing to complain about up in heaven,
what will I do
I think of saving myself,
but I really wanna work it out
down here in hell with you
(Hook)
Magic carpet ride
See it don’t have to last forever
I know we shouldn’t fly so high
But the closer to the sun… the better
See I wanna make you feel the fire,
while I burn you with my bad days,
Ooo wanna be unsatisfied, (sure)
you can fell the heat comin from me...baby.
(Verse 2)
What would I do if we were perfect,
where would I go for disappointment,
words without hate would leave me nothin else to say.
(chrous 2)
I think of saving myself,
but with nothing to complain about in heaven,
what will I do
I think of saving myself,
but I really wanna work it out
down here in hell with you
(hook)
I think of saving myself,
but with nothing to complain about up in heaven,
I think of saving myself,
but i really wanna work it out
down here in hell with you
(Hook)
Down here in hell with you
(Repeat 4)
9/21/2008 Instant Messenger conversation
so you keep others out in hopes that you wont feel the way you felt when you the person close to you before you built your fortress left. you dont want to feel the way you felt when you decided that the person you loved didn't love you as much as you loved them.
You hope for marriage because for you it is the physical representation of feeling fortress-less. the way you once felt. Im knocking at the gate but i cant promise that I will be apart of the manifestation of your fortress-less desire. All I can do is say that I am interested in wahts inside. I will look and inquire and receive the visuals and answers with care and respect. I'm not going to ask that you to remove the gate. I'll will do is tell you what I'm willing to do and what I am not willing to take. I think I understand you more than you know. Therefore I understand how volatile this situation can be. Its up to you trust me to either stand at the threshold of a gate-less fortress or let me in. Otherwise, I am inclined to walk away and only pray that you finally see that the fortress is ultimately hurting you are preventing you from acquiring the love you desire. possibly the love you never felt before. I refuse to be another one of you casualties. How ever I am open to helping you removing the bricks of the fortress one brick at a time. but you have to unlock and remove the gate first. I cant help you there.
Melissa
September 21 at 11:07pm
Entire reply:
not sure if you read what I wrote before....well, right now im torn between standing at the gate a little longer or completely retreating.
either way you get hurt or uneasy. Like a nervous policeman's hands. or hurt that the self-made fortress kept another out.
the problem is that your gate is comprised of verbal attacks.
hey keep people from entering
but im not willing to stay in front of the gate the boards your vulnerability and the battlefield because it hurts
the only way im am willing to stay is if the very thing that keeps me out disappears and your torn
torn between letting me in and risking damage, heartbreak
keeping me at bay like all the others
r risk me leaving.
i can be open to loving you but i need to see the loving part of you and thats inside. beyond the gate. we can could agree that the proverbial gate is removed. whether its there or not i cant walk in unless you let me. you cant look me, you say that the gate in an ingrained part of your personality and I wont stand in the battlefield any longer. the gate isn't really an ingrained part of your personality. it just feels like it is because its been up for so long. so what are we to do?
Am i selfish for not wanting to stand in the battlefield receiving the daggers? The kindness you have shown to me i have seen by getting so close to the gate that I see glimpse of the beauty inside. but i had to lean against this hot gate and get burned in the process.
You are telling me to or allowing me to stand there but there is a huge price. Me getting hurt in the process. And as I tell you about my burns I'm deemed selfish by you when the one could argue that the very erection of the gate itself is a type of selfishness.
you can't hear me because you are trying to keep the gate in tact. as im standing there you are hammering and screwing in reinforcements because im too close and risk knocking it down.
once upon a time there wasnt a gate or fortress
and some people in your space took advantage of you softness, kindness, vulnerability
as a result you built a fortress as many people have done
you could choose to create your gate out of various materials.
people use the materials in their environment.
your environment consisted of verbal abuse.
so you used what you knew and erected a gate with said materials
it felt right and comfortable because youve seen it used before with your mother, father and possibly others
although you saw that it was detrimenal you still used the materials because it was all you knew
maybe you saw the verbal abuse in your physical home made you uneasy.
maybe your physical house represents your fortress
Todd is no longer online. The following was not sent:
and in it are the people who are most dear to you. you mother and maybe others. (send as a message)
10:43pmTodd is online.
10:43pmMelissa
and in it are the person/people who are most dear to you. your mother and maybe others.
10:44pmMelissa
the verbal abuse signaled the way to keep and get people to leave. like your father.
10:46pmMelissa
you picture him as some one who left you and hurt you. coincidentally he was also in your fortress at one point
you may see him as someone who took advantage of your feelings or at least didn't care for them the way you would have liked.
so you keep others out in hopes that you wont feel the way you felt when you the person close to you before you built your fortress left. you dont want to feel the way you felt when you decided that the person you loved didn't love you as much as you loved them.
You hope for marriage because for you it is the physical representation of feeling fortress-less. the way you once felt. Im knocking at the gate but i cant promise that I will be apart of the manifestation of your fortress-less desire. All I can do is say that I am interested in wahts inside. I will look and inquire and receive the visuals and answers with care and respect. I'm not going to ask that you to remove the gate. I'll will do is tell you what I'm willing to do and what I am not willing to take. I think I understand you more than you know. Therefore I understand how volatile this situation can be. Its up to you trust me to either stand at the threshold of a gate-less fortress or let me in. Otherwise, I am inclined to walk away and only pray that you finally see that the fortress is ultimately hurting you are preventing you from acquiring the love you desire. possibly the love you never felt before. I refuse to be another one of you casualties. How ever I am open to helping you removing the bricks of the fortress one brick at a time. but you have to unlock and remove the gate first. I cant help you there.
To Todd:
Tue 9/23/08 6 Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." Genesis 4:6-7
the Other side of town
I'm from the other side of town
Out of bounds
To anybody who don't live around
I never learned to share
Or how to care
I never had no teachings
About being fair
Even though I walk
through the valley through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me. Psalms 23: 4
Depression is part of my mind
The sun never shines
On the other side of town
The need here is always for more
There's nothing good in store
On the other side of town
It's hard to do right
In this filthy night
Just plain simple comfort
Is completely out of sight
8 "But if I go to the east, he is not there;
if I go to the west, I do not find him.
9 When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.
10 But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
My little sister she hungry
For bread to eat
My brother's hand me down shoes
Are now showing his feet
I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. 27I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. 29Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn? 2 Corinthians 1, The apostle Paul speak to the church of Corinth
Ghetto blues showed on the news
All is aware
But what the hell do they care
You across the track
Completely relaxed
You take a warning fact
Don't you never come back
Mos Def A Soldier's Dream Lyrics
(Mos Def speaking)
I'm not gon sing a song or nothing.
Um, what that term they call it post traumatic stress syndrome? That thing that
uh, soldiers will get. I think a lot of people get that. It's like when you
experience somethin and uh, it affects you for a long time afterwards. I guess
everything works that way. Certain things have more impact than others.
Sometimes it visits you in your dreams or when you're quiet or just at peace or
trying to be at peace. A lot of soldiers get it. A lot of common people get
it. A lot of the time common people are soldiers, that's just the way it works
out.
This is a soldier's dream
The other night I was tumbling towards an uneasy sleep
When I had discovered myself
Atop the sweet sticky firmament of my dreams.
Daybreak came and discovered me
With my fantasies pasted to my face.
I cant look at you right now.
“Show me your eyes” she says.
“Later” he says. “Now, now.” “NO!”
8 You have not handed me over to the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.
9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my guilt,
and my bones grow weak.
11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors;
I am a dread to my friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.
12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
13 For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me
and plot to take my life.
14 But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."
15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
17 Let me not be put to shame, O LORD,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and lie silent in the grave. Psalm 31:8-17
Shame is a prison you know.
Yeah, well discretion is a fortress
You're starin and lookin too closely.
There's so much about me that I hide
That careful eyes will recognize.
If you look closely you'll notice
That the pattern on this soft cloth shirt
Is made of workin men's sweat
And prayin folk's tears.
If you look closer you'll notice
That this pattern resembles
Tenement row houses, project high rises,
Cell block tiers,
Discontinued stretches of elevated train tracks,
Slave ship gullies, acres of tombstones.
If you look closer, you'll notice
That this fabric has been carefully blended
With an advanced new age polymer (oh man, that's nice)
To make the fabric lightweight
Weatherproof, and durable.
All this to give some sort of posture and dignity
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;
-Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:10-18
To a broken body that is a host for scars.
I am the new landmark. I am the museum of injury.
3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer. Psalms 32:3-4
Soldiers visit me and admire me quietly,
Whispering amongst themselves. You're no soldier.
Your soft bright eyes never have to
Survey the battlefield,
Much less its collected relics of which, I am one.
So, my flesh bullet-ridden remains hidden
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. James 1:2-8
Underneath these soft fabrics
Which I carefully select
That stand in for how I used to feel,
For how I remember feeling,
For how I dream about feeling,
For how I feel about you.
And now your curious fingers want to search
Beyond this tender armor.
I cant look at you right now
(This is my rifle there are many like it but this one is mine) 2x
Your eyes are too careful,
Collecting it all arranging it all;
Job 10
1 "I loathe my very life;
therefore I will give free rein to my complaint
and speak out in the bitterness of my soul.
2 I will say to God: Do not condemn me,
but tell me what charges you have against me.
3 Does it please you to oppress me,
to spurn the work of your hands,
while you smile on the schemes of the wicked?
4 Do you have eyes of flesh?
Do you see as a mortal sees?
5 Are your days like those of a mortal
or your years like those of a man,
6 that you must search out my faults
and probe after my sin-
7 though you know that I am not guilty
and that no one can rescue me from your hand?
8 "Your hands shaped me and made me.
Will you now turn and destroy me?
9 Remember that you molded me like clay.
Will you now turn me to dust again?
10 Did you not pour me out like milk
and curdle me like cheese,
11 clothe me with skin and flesh
and knit me together with bones and sinews?
12 You gave me life and showed me kindness,
and in your providence watched over my spirit.
13 "But this is what you concealed in your heart,
and I know that this was in your mind:
14 If I sinned, you would be watching me
and would not let my offense go unpunished.
15 If I am guilty—woe to me!
Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head,
for I am full of shame
and drowned in [a] my affliction.
16 If I hold my head high, you stalk me like a lion
and again display your awesome power against me.
17 You bring new witnesses against me
and increase your anger toward me;
your forces come against me wave upon wave.
18 "Why then did you bring me out of the womb?
I wish I had died before any eye saw me.
19 If only I had never come into being,
or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave!
20 Are not my few days almost over?
Turn away from me so I can have a moment's joy
21 before I go to the place of no return,
to the land of gloom and deep shadow, [b]
22 to the land of deepest night,
of deep shadow and disorder,
where even the light is like darkness."
where even the light is like darkness." Job 10:14-20
Job 11
1 Then Zophar the Naamathite replied:
2 "Are all these words to go unanswered?
Is this talker to be vindicated?
3 Will your idle talk reduce men to silence?
Will no one rebuke you when you mock?
4 You say to God, 'My beliefs are flawless
and I am pure in your sight.'
5 Oh, how I wish that God would speak,
that he would open his lips against you
6 and disclose to you the secrets of wisdom,
for true wisdom has two sides.
Know this: God has even forgotten some of your sin.
7 "Can you fathom the mysteries of God?
Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
8 They are higher than the heavens—what can you do?
They are deeper than the depths of the grave [a] —what can you know?
9 Their measure is longer than the earth
and wider than the sea.
10 "If he comes along and confines you in prison
and convenes a court, who can oppose him?
11 Surely he recognizes deceitful men;
and when he sees evil, does he not take note?
12 But a witless man can no more become wise
than a wild donkey's colt can be born a man. [b]
13 "Yet if you devote your heart to him
and stretch out your hands to him,
14 if you put away the sin that is in your hand
and allow no evil to dwell in your tent,
15 then you will lift up your face without shame;
you will stand firm and without fear.
16 You will surely forget your trouble,
recalling it only as waters gone by.
17 Life will be brighter than noonday,
and darkness will become like morning.
18 You will be secure, because there is hope;
you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
19 You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid,
and many will court your favor.
20 But the eyes of the wicked will fail,
and escape will elude them;
their hope will become a dying gasp." Job 11: 1-20
Surgically, robotically, exactly.
I can't look at you right now
But that doesn't matter because
You can look at me and the longer that
I don't return your gaze,
The harder that your gaze
Starts to run across my back
Like a nervous policeman's hands:
Brisk, intent, anxious for discovery.
If discretion is a fortress
Then you're threatening to destroy it
By simply standing at the gates
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4 Free me from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
Psalm 31:1-4
And refusing to leave.
I can't look at you right now,
Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him. Psalm 32: 9-10
22 In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help. Psalms 31:22
But you can look at me. Do you see me?
Nas Lyrics
Thief's Theme Remix Lyrics
(feat. Rising Son)
[Intro: Rising Son]
Yo
Ha, Ha, Ha
DPP
Check, one two, one two
Who got more style than Son do?
None do (that's official)
Yeah, this is history right here (history)
Yo, Nas, Rising Son
Queensbridge to London
Let's go..
[Verse One: Rising Son]
Yo, Yo
This is the Thief's Theme
For the underground criminal street teams
Street dream chasing young hungry thugs that seek cream
Crack fiends and hatch schemes, knife-point robbery
Broad day blindeys, night-time thuggery
Sun down shinanigins, move without shadow...
...like ninjas, cat burglars, no fiasco
No commotion, make moves like locomotion
Crack-sport ambush, get the man bringing the coke in
Warehouse crime rate, mans throw they vans up
Bang job, "Freeze, everybody put your hands up"
Cash is nightmare, gun in ya faceplate
"It's not even ya money, don't make me put one in ya face, mate"
Thieves running this place, world trade, eight fare
Slave rift flashbacks; Bush killer, hate Blair!
Wish Mars was a mile away, cos I would escape there
On a Skyway railroad, to stick you from my tray fair, bitch...
Yeah, you know like when you kill somebody in Street Fighter
Uah, uah, uah, uah [fades]
[Re-Intro: Nas]
One, two
Check, one, two
One, two, who got more style, the son do
[rewind]
One, two
Check, one, two
One, two, who got more style, the son do
Check, one, two
[Verse 2: Nas]
Yo I'm hot like 95 Fahrenheit
On a summer night, tight spot where bodies rot
Rats drink from water drops, in the streets niggaz
Little kids scared cops, wit red dots
Philosophical gangsta, wit violent priors
Goin back like black and white TV's wit pliers
Leanin on broke down cars, wit flat tires
Flash iron, anybody tryin on, the blocks I'm supplyin on
Madicon, my peeps, tie ballons up
And swallow 'em and the P now got goons, lots of 'em
Cops see them and run, don't want no drama
Certain parts of the streets, the beast don't want a part of
Martyr, hood haunted like the Dakota
Where John Lennon was shot up, but he sang for peace
He begged for freedom, hanged wit wild Jamicians
From Kingston, who drink Irish Malts
Listenin to Peter Winston, Machintosh
Lightning hits the top of the church steeple
When I'm writin, semi-automatic no hyphen
It's frightening....
7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:7-12, 15-17
Sometime between after the lights went out and the end of sept he goes to the bar by my house about midnight after he got upset that I wouldn’t stay in the restaurant with him because I wanted to but Langston to bed. I go get him from the bar.
9/29/08 Try to find a counselor for him
9/30/08 Cousin comes and Todd is drunk
Had a feeling to go to go to his house to ask to eat and his door is wide open and he is drunk and asleep in his bed.
To me:
10/08/2008 After so much of being subjected to this twisted and contradicting logic, Joseph begins to feel like a fool. Could she be laughing at him behind his back? Maybe his innate distrust and contempt for her isn't so unwarranted after all.
To me:
10/08/2008 Or maybe Joseph is just paranoid. With conclusions and suspensions based on all of these could be's and maybe's and not fact he will always have distrust. Mary can't do anything about that and is frankly getting tried of it. What does Mary have to do? Mary is over it. She is just going to be her and Joseph can believe her or not. Joseph doesn't want to believe her? Mary says, "Ok." Joseph is boxing, Mary is exiting the ring.
To Todd
10/10/2008 For me its not that simple. I have an issue with you getting angry in the first place. I have an issue with the way you made your inquiry. Your demands. The laugh wasn't so much that it was funny (ha ha type funny) but funny like "you can't be serious" type of funny. You state you have an issue with what happened after that. After your inquiry. If you dont want us to communicate anymore thats fine. You keep putting out this threat of ending communication which feels like a way to illicit some other type of response from me. I could be wrong. Im being straight up. If you dont like that then I understand. You make the decision on how you want to interact with me. You making these demands as if we are in a relationship and I have been trying to tell you that the most I am open to doing right now if date you. Taking it slowly. But you dont want to here that apparently. I told you there is a personality clash which makes it challenging for me to see a relationship happening soon. However it would be nice if we could take a step back and be good friends. Im not too big on announcing that I'm not going to or not going to talk some one so I'm not. Mostly because I'm not interested in all of that. I think once you think about what was going on in your head when you saw the toiletries in my bag. what assumptions and questions occurred in your head and realize that you were NOT just angry when we got down stairs, then we can get to something. But all of this explaining of myself is something that I'm not interested in. Its feeling like alot. More than I'm willing to do right now.
To me:
Date: Thu, 9 Oct 2008 11:58:39 -0400
LISTEN.
(or, "READ" rather)
I need the following:
When I say something, believe it.
Don't try to interpret the meaning and/or cause of it. It is what it is. Thus, if I say, "I am upset because of [this]," don't try and convince me that I'm really upset because of something else. That's unfair. It also lets me know you're not listening to what I'm saying. Its as if you have this movie playing in your mind of which I need to stick to the script. Any deviations from this script should be corrected immediately.
Work with me, not against me.
If you see that you're doing something that upsets me, it is only human to stop doing whatever it is you're doing. Simple as that. Split hairs if you want to, but that's the bottom line.
Don't make me into the fool.
If one is upset about something, how on God's green earth could anyone find this amusing (specifically, anyone who claims they "love" the other)? How would that make you feel if the one you love looked on in amused contempt and pity, discounting your feelings to jealousy and paranoia?
If these (ALL of these, not one or two) are not things you can/will offer, do not feel obliged to continue our interactions and communication. However, please let me know either way so that I am clear on our direction.
Note for clarification: continuation does not necessarily mean an official romantic relationship.
To Todd: Thu, 9 Oct 2008 00:12:51 +0000
You know these interactions with you become more and more interesting. LOL. You got upset today. Why? Because you, once again, created a story in your mind based on virtually no information then, formulated a set of emotions in regards to this fictitious story you created, then decided to act negatively in response to it. I had a man’s toiletries in my purse. You choose to think what? That this person was someone I was messing with? If it was just soap and you didn’t hear or see any signals that it belonged to a male would have gotten just as upset? What is the basis of the thinking? I forgot I had to give them to him until you reminded me. So I called to try and meet him. You demanded that I tell you who the owner of this deodorant was, which I had a large problem with. Not only did you do it in hearing distance of the people in the computer lab, but you acted out in front of people in the breezeway of the science and engineering building. I told you I would tell you on the way. But you refused. Interestingly, if I were you and I really wanted to know what was (or wasn’t) going on between me and the owner of the deodorant, I would have went with me. I was going to meet him. If I was trying to hide something, why would I invite you along? I rub it in your face? Well, if I was, at least you would have proof. On the way you would have found out that he went to the conference with me last week, and he couldn’t take his toiletries on the plane because of the liquid rule and didn’t want to pay the baggage fee. So since I had to pay it because I couldn’t take my bag on the plane, he put his items in my suitcase. But you left before you could hear that story. It is so interesting that you get mad a stomp off on very little information, but you out-right tell me you went on a date with an ex-girlfriend who you said was interested in you, and I simply tell you that I am interested in hearing about it when you are ready to tell me. I didn’t get mad. I didn’t demand anything of you. You don’t trust me yet you say you’re in-love with me? You don’t trust me yet you ask me to marry you? This lets me know that either the feelings you expressed are false or are built on a fantastical foundation that has very little to do with reality. The reality that distrust and jealousy permeates any possible erection of a building of a romantic relationship between you and I. I’m not upset, so please don’t place a tone on the letter. However I am a little annoyed. This is a game. You are playing games and I’m not interested. You have jealousy issues so you want to make me jealous. Misery loves company. You want me to be upset and flag you down after you stomp away? I’m not interested in that. I’m also not interested in giving my power away to negative unnecessary and detrimental emotions, like jealousy and anger. You want to continue to perform? Find a new audience. I’m not interested in fighting for your friendship. I’m not interested in trying to convince you that I’m not playing you. Because as long as you decide to perform, you will always be on the stage by yourself with the audience willing and able to leave when the show is too, tiring, annoying, childish or just too much. Everybody is not out to hurt you. The only person who is hurting you is yourself. When are you going to decided to stop.
10/16/08 Call Me Craxy...mp3 (606.4 KB)
until you realize how much you upset me, we're done.
***feel the sorrow baaaaaaabe***
10/18?To me:
Die screaming
10/19/2008 To me:
Yo I don’t know if you’re getting these messages or not but I wanted to tell you I’m sorry for acting foolish, all those things I said, I didn’t mean. I’ve been using my grandparents’ passing as an excuse. Sorry I pointed this in your direction
To me: 10/25/2008 4:32am “some of these chics need to watch they mouth shorty, I’m outside; ya baby pops ain’t out. He don’t bang like them gangstas bang when them shots ring out
To me: 10/25/2008 4:33:53 am Please disregard last msg. Mistake
To me: 10/25/2008 4:33:55 am Please disregard last msg. Mistake
To me: 10/25/2008 4:36:02 am Seriously, my bad
To me: 10/25/2008 I will be civilized in public but you should stick to your word [he’s talking about the facebook comment]
To me: 10/25/2008 Do not make extra effort to contact me
To me: 10/25/2008You are so full of shit. Can’t believe I was so into you. Funny. But I won’t keep blowing you up cause I know your bill is so high
To me: 10/26/2008 2:43:01 pm I shouldn’t have apologized to your inconsiderate ass for what I said last week. You had/have absolutely no consideration for how I felt so fuck your feelings.
