The Obituary

On January 15 2005 at 10:35pm the strong black single mother disappeared without a riot or uproar.

Some say she died from being everything to everyone and nothing to herself.

From being a mother and a father and yet not enough
From working too hard to fulfill a child she’s afraid may grown up feeling empty.
From trying to raise a man but not having a good example
From relative hands up her skirt
From believing their was love at the other end of that fist
From attempting to give love and be loved but isn’t sure what it looks like.

She died from believing the lies and misconceptions about men that she learned from her mother and her mother learned from her mother.
She died from confusing domesticity and independence
She died from being too much for some men and not enough for others.
She died from suppressed dreams and unreached goals
She died from holding her child too tight and not holding God tight enough
She died from the persecuting eyes of elderly church-goers
She died from men saying her child was burden and not a blessing and believing them

And when she stood up in the face of adversity and spoke out against mannerisms of degradation, she suffered from standing alone and not being loud enough

She suffered from a lover not ready to be a father
She suffered from bearing pregnancy alone
She suffered from depression, guilt, regret and disappointment
She suffered from standing in WIC and food stamps lines and feeling sub-human
She suffered from not having money for an abortion, lacking maturity for parenthood, or the ability to give her baby away
And when she tried to get another spoonful from the giant bowl of strength she suffered when she reached and found it empty

The strong Black single mother is dead. Tired of judgmental eyes who looked at her pregnant belly and a bare left hand
Tired of man-bashing females thinking they are helping her cope
Tired of swollen feet and morning sickness on the days she has class
Tired of leaking breasts in grocery stores every time another baby cries
Tired of fainting in public because her body made the baby a priority
Tired of thinking about how it will feel when she spends 10 hours of labor alone in a cold hospital room

But while others showed signs of implosion leaving their babies in dumpsters and thrown in lakes some realized that this black hole of uncertainty and fear isn’t so deep
Some realized that the world will only conduct their lives if they let it
Some realized that their life experiences are merely lessons, meant to bring them closer to self knowledge and self love.
Some lived knowing that at the very least there is someone else they have to live for

She is willing and without regret to live as if her life is not just her own

She knows that love is a necessary gift and gives it without boundaries

She re-evaluates her life, morals, and actions because now she has someone watching and learning her every move

She cries when she isn’t sure what to do but laughs when he smiles at her in the mist of her confusion

She continues on although she is the last rung on the ladder climbing an uphill battle with her family in her belly the community on her back, her race on her shoulders with her head held high looking towards an unwritten future.

But the strong Black single mother is dead. But is she really? I know I am still here.